i feel like this blog has just come down to a summary of how things are. that's not at all what i intended it to be. this is supposed to be a place to journal, to vent, to express myself and really, it's just (lately) one big apology letter for forgetting about it. that stops today.
these last few weeks have been very hard. i'm trying to be very open with my friends now - the ones i trust - to let them know where i am really at as much as possible - to be vulnerable enough to allow in the care that i so desperately need.
my one friend who i stay with for t, she knows i have "a dissociative disorder" but not that it's DID. DID is scary. The name is scary. The situations are scary. Everything about it is scary - at least to me. i so so so dont want to lose her.
and then all of the stuff lately. parts acting up, coming out, being so needy. flashbacks all over my days... and nights. nightmares of bizarre things like my mother being angry or my father trying to drown me (which really happened), or my friends getting angry or scared and running away. and of course the always repeating dream of the police chasing me down to kill me...
i dont even know why i'm writing this anymore. my head is so full and going so every which way, i guess this is going to be a "stream of consciousness" entry. confusing as all get out for anyone but me, but enough of a vent for me that i'll feel better when it's over.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the main flashback i've been having lately is driving me crazy. i was 12 or 13 and we had just moved in to the new house, not the one with the sra, but the one after, where he stalked us. i still had boxes everywhere and was going thru them when my dad came in angry as all get out and scary scary insane looking eyes. he threw me across the room onto my bed where i fell backward onto the mattress. bad bad bad. i forgot to apologize and i was in a bad position for this anger to be released on. i fought back. i thought i was fighting for my life. bad bad bad. fighting back is bad. he had my hands held down over my head and managed to get in a blow to my belly that was so hard it left me seeing stars and unable to move. before i knew what was happening, he'd taken my clothes and had me cowering under his anger. stupid stupid face. his stubble burning my skin as he hurt me. next thing i knew he had a knife. a madman with a knife. my father. oh god. he weilded the thing like crazy and before i could take a breath, he had it on my private parts. cutting them and causing awful pain. he was trying to hurt me bad bad bad. he was going to carve out my clitoris. stupid stupid stupid. nothing stopped him and i couldnt fight it hurt so so badly. idk how it ended. like most of my memories it cuts off there. i likely switched to deal with it. idk. but it freaks me out.
body memories. pain pain pain. miserable and fear like crazy.
idk. i have to stop now.
sorry.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
nightmares
overall my nightmares are getting better. more able to distinguish them as dreams and much less vivid and real... but they are mostly right now of me being crazy angry at my mother. last night i caused her physical harm in my dreams. levels like that of anger really scare me a lot. this is NOT me. not at all. and i see no need to manifest anger toward her. idk. now that i'm writing this out it seems so stupid but it really IS bothering me.
shutting up now. sorry.
shutting up now. sorry.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
update
ok - still suffering a huge lack of words but it's time to do what i can to update you all on where i am at...
finally got angry. still misplaced anger but at least its present and not aimed at myself.
in the process of dealing with the anger, i discovered something wonderful. it finally made it from my head to my heart that all the stuff they called me were lies. that i really am a human being and a real person who has a right to exist and to feel and to be.
unfortunately the breakthru didnt last long... four days.... and then the flashbacks came back with a passion and another big deal problem, one i dont feel comfortable revealing here... but that my t says is "normal". anyway, i've been in a very bad place and have been very self destructive. the pain is incredible inside and i've just not known what to do to make it so i can breathe thru.
so i'm back to treading water.
sorry the news couldnt be better,
me
finally got angry. still misplaced anger but at least its present and not aimed at myself.
in the process of dealing with the anger, i discovered something wonderful. it finally made it from my head to my heart that all the stuff they called me were lies. that i really am a human being and a real person who has a right to exist and to feel and to be.
unfortunately the breakthru didnt last long... four days.... and then the flashbacks came back with a passion and another big deal problem, one i dont feel comfortable revealing here... but that my t says is "normal". anyway, i've been in a very bad place and have been very self destructive. the pain is incredible inside and i've just not known what to do to make it so i can breathe thru.
so i'm back to treading water.
sorry the news couldnt be better,
me
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
ok - here's what's new
telling has been extremely difficult. i still lack many words but it is better now. have had a couple of major breakthrus. will share in detail when my words return.
Friday, May 13, 2011
lack of words
lacking a lot of words at present. feeling like i could type a huge blog about it but yeah, no words... flashbacks are very in my face. anticipating "telling" at t on Monday. i know in my head she won't hate me for it, but my heart is very afraid.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
ok so here's what's happening
so the tsunami is over... for now. i managed to forgive little luv for being who she is and dealing with what she did in the way that she did. it occurs to me i had to do this with Rosie also, not too long ago. i'm wondering if there's a pattern here. ie - let me count the ways i hate myself and one at a time learn to forgive me for being the stupid whatever that i am and someday i'll like myself? idk.
anyway, i went to therapy on monday and talked to my t about all this. she said that all parts need a voice even the ones who dont have pleasant things to say and that i should let them talk. at first i was very afraid of that - who knows what they might say or do? - but she assured me that therapy is the place to work those things out so i, for the first time, let my guard down enough for her to meet them. and meet them, she did! they came out hollering and yelling and crying and throwing fits. they came out in all sorts of ways - and luv came out too. she came out curled up in a ball, trying not to suck her thumb and bawling and crying and very insecure and afraid. she was last and it took a long time till i was able to come back and take over. and when i did i was hyperventilating too and not being able to deal with all that happened.
we talked a long long time - had time to go over a lot - that extra half hour meant so much and we used it well. by the time it was over i'd done everything from flailing and stomping to curling up tiny and tight. i was physically, emotionally and spiritually worn out. but better.
a whole lot more peaceful and such anyway. and not a silent head but certainly one with much much less noise.
since then it's been up and down. the tsunami of flooding of emotions may have passed but the waves are still very large and the wind is still moving fast.
i was in crisis mode last night and talked to everyone who would lend an ear but Darin. i still dont think he gets it. anyway all that ended about midnight or so and i was just beginning to collapse into the pillows when my cell rang and it was Robin - one of the people i'd talked to earlier. she had taken the only audible phrase i could remember recurring and googled it.
some black magick group that works with masons and does awful things. she kept reiterating that this was real and not imaginary. i'd have reacted more awfully afraid but i was on my sleeping meds and so it was all i could do to stay awake to listen. it's really hitting home now (13 hours later).
it was real. it was ALL real. and there are others who have this awful past too. THEN i get confirmation from a different friend that she knows someone who was abused by this same group and they even have same specific symptoms and sounds in their heads.
omg. i feel so unsafe now.
anyway, i went to therapy on monday and talked to my t about all this. she said that all parts need a voice even the ones who dont have pleasant things to say and that i should let them talk. at first i was very afraid of that - who knows what they might say or do? - but she assured me that therapy is the place to work those things out so i, for the first time, let my guard down enough for her to meet them. and meet them, she did! they came out hollering and yelling and crying and throwing fits. they came out in all sorts of ways - and luv came out too. she came out curled up in a ball, trying not to suck her thumb and bawling and crying and very insecure and afraid. she was last and it took a long time till i was able to come back and take over. and when i did i was hyperventilating too and not being able to deal with all that happened.
we talked a long long time - had time to go over a lot - that extra half hour meant so much and we used it well. by the time it was over i'd done everything from flailing and stomping to curling up tiny and tight. i was physically, emotionally and spiritually worn out. but better.
a whole lot more peaceful and such anyway. and not a silent head but certainly one with much much less noise.
since then it's been up and down. the tsunami of flooding of emotions may have passed but the waves are still very large and the wind is still moving fast.
i was in crisis mode last night and talked to everyone who would lend an ear but Darin. i still dont think he gets it. anyway all that ended about midnight or so and i was just beginning to collapse into the pillows when my cell rang and it was Robin - one of the people i'd talked to earlier. she had taken the only audible phrase i could remember recurring and googled it.
some black magick group that works with masons and does awful things. she kept reiterating that this was real and not imaginary. i'd have reacted more awfully afraid but i was on my sleeping meds and so it was all i could do to stay awake to listen. it's really hitting home now (13 hours later).
it was real. it was ALL real. and there are others who have this awful past too. THEN i get confirmation from a different friend that she knows someone who was abused by this same group and they even have same specific symptoms and sounds in their heads.
omg. i feel so unsafe now.
Friday, April 22, 2011
i am so awful
ok so peace is over. it lasted three wonderful weeks - 23 beautiful days.
my t said i was "stable" (NOT!), so we started the "telling" phase of therapy last week (that's step 2 of 3, impressive)... ok so i told the tiniest piece. told how his face keeps coming up in mine. told how he used to be at bathtime. told how he'd scrub me raw inside and out with a bottle brush - at three years old - and make me beg him to forgive me for being bad. And how i wasnt allowed to cry and how i had to deal with the inspections and stuff... just that. that's it.
of course it would have to be in the midst of still moving, less than a week following my car wreck that totaled the car and sent my son and i to the ER... in the midst of flashbacks and nightmares and such. so.... neeedless to say it's been awful since then. back to panic attack world. chest pains and all.
the emotions have been super strong and the flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks relentless. got to the point where i could barely get out of bed again and i felt like i was back to square one. not good.
t said to use my binder and try ALL the coping skills till i found something that worked. so i decided on writing. not sure if that was a good idea, it DID help me come to a solution but i KNOW the solution is probably one of the least healthy things i can do...
i stared at the picture i have of luv for a long long time. and i gave her the pen and let her use it to express her feelings (i wrote what she said). again, very strong feelings - that of a three yr old that understands nothing - and flashbacks and another panic attack.
so i let my other parts speak next. and what they said made so much sense. basically it boiled down to that luv was spoiled rotten and didnt have to go thru nearly anything in the horrible list of stuff we've been thru. she also got to sleep EVERY NIGHT and play carefree EVERY DAY. the only time she ever had to deal with any of the pain was at bathtime and then it was so minor in comparison to the rest. she was so spoiled. she had it so good.
so i decided to abandon her again. to mark her pain up to spoiled brat tantrum overreacting and excommunicate her from us.
and you know what? it surprised me but the minute i decided that and did it, i was filled with such a peace and calm. i hadnt' cut or anything else unhealthy, and suddenly the pain was gone anyway.
so here i am in the numb of it all, enjoying the break and the peace and sleeping even. i know i made a terrible decision and i'm told i'll pay for it threefold. but wow. why should i feel bad - the argument makes so much sense. i know it's all over when i go back to t on Monday but in the mean time no more luv. and it feels so good.
how awful does that make me?
my t said i was "stable" (NOT!), so we started the "telling" phase of therapy last week (that's step 2 of 3, impressive)... ok so i told the tiniest piece. told how his face keeps coming up in mine. told how he used to be at bathtime. told how he'd scrub me raw inside and out with a bottle brush - at three years old - and make me beg him to forgive me for being bad. And how i wasnt allowed to cry and how i had to deal with the inspections and stuff... just that. that's it.
of course it would have to be in the midst of still moving, less than a week following my car wreck that totaled the car and sent my son and i to the ER... in the midst of flashbacks and nightmares and such. so.... neeedless to say it's been awful since then. back to panic attack world. chest pains and all.
the emotions have been super strong and the flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks relentless. got to the point where i could barely get out of bed again and i felt like i was back to square one. not good.
t said to use my binder and try ALL the coping skills till i found something that worked. so i decided on writing. not sure if that was a good idea, it DID help me come to a solution but i KNOW the solution is probably one of the least healthy things i can do...
i stared at the picture i have of luv for a long long time. and i gave her the pen and let her use it to express her feelings (i wrote what she said). again, very strong feelings - that of a three yr old that understands nothing - and flashbacks and another panic attack.
so i let my other parts speak next. and what they said made so much sense. basically it boiled down to that luv was spoiled rotten and didnt have to go thru nearly anything in the horrible list of stuff we've been thru. she also got to sleep EVERY NIGHT and play carefree EVERY DAY. the only time she ever had to deal with any of the pain was at bathtime and then it was so minor in comparison to the rest. she was so spoiled. she had it so good.
so i decided to abandon her again. to mark her pain up to spoiled brat tantrum overreacting and excommunicate her from us.
and you know what? it surprised me but the minute i decided that and did it, i was filled with such a peace and calm. i hadnt' cut or anything else unhealthy, and suddenly the pain was gone anyway.
so here i am in the numb of it all, enjoying the break and the peace and sleeping even. i know i made a terrible decision and i'm told i'll pay for it threefold. but wow. why should i feel bad - the argument makes so much sense. i know it's all over when i go back to t on Monday but in the mean time no more luv. and it feels so good.
how awful does that make me?
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