marriage counseling?

desperately wanting to make my marriage better, i made an appointment for marriage counseling for today. husband had me cancel it. am disappointed and frustrated with this as it means that, again, progress will be slow. he seems to think we dont need it but i know we do. to be blunt, things are bad in the bedroomm. also, finances are tight, making alternatives for therapy even more elusive. but.... (praise God for but's) it DID end up in a long into the night conversation where i felt we were both able to be much more honest and open then we have been before and finally put away the swords enough to hear each other. again, we are kinda figuring this out on our own if there's no counselor, so the progress will be slow but at the moment any progress is good. i wish he had someone to talk to who has successfullly supported someone thru a journey like mine but again... some things seem to be just too much to ask... just pleasse, those who pray, please pray. we needd progress here and idk how much i can stand of the inch by inch method. thanks.

i'm alive!

inspired by a friends blog post of a recent victory in her life, i just wanted to post myself also. i am thankful to have made it through last week and not have done something stupid. i am grateful for my life and for the progress i've made in healing thus far. it may not be the glorious victory she posted about quite yet, but for the first time in a long time - i am truly grateful for my life and that in itself is a good thing. i know you all know this, but i wanted to say something else... just to test the waters. i am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse. and i am ok. what a concept. :)

it's ok

only have a moment to write as i am currently evacuated from my home due to tropical storm debby - just wanted to post - God provided (as He always does) the break i needed from the pain. i have a safety plan in action and am doing much better. so so greatful for therapy and therapy friends who care enough to help me through the worst of things. ttys, angie sue

grrrrrrrr

i hate my dad and his people. they hurt me so so bad. it's driving me crazy!!!! i hate them ----- i hate them ----------- i hate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more new memories - just cant take much more of this... aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

another fight

fighting with husband again. started out as cuddling but he wanted more and i just wasnt up for that. i hate that he gets attitude when i tell him no. i NEED the space to be able to do that... especially when i've been flashing back a lot and i feel small. just drives us both crazy. but then there's this big old wall that comes up and we just end up both mad and sulky. sometimes, marriage really stinks.

another stupid memory - TW

TRIGGERING they were intent on breaking my spirit. nothing was sacred. even my bodily functions were not my own. stupid enemas. stupid cramping. forced emptying of my bowels until i was curled in a little ball on the filthy shower floor above the drain. feeling like i was going to die. jeered and poked and hit and kicked. when will it end?

wow it's been a while! sorry!

wow, it's been quite a while since i posted much - but that's due to good things, for a change. i have a new support group online - a christian one for DID survivors and it's been very good - it's answering a lot of my questions and addressing a lot of my issues. i have a book i found that i've not read in a very long time that's helping me with some of my why's and stuff too. AND - the strain on relationships is lessening too. i'm learning how to communicate more effectively and more positively and it's making a big difference... and for my readers that pray for me, thank you - truly God is at work. if you would please pray specifically for me to make more solid friendships where i live now, that'd be great because i soooooooooooooooo want to be more grounded here and i believe it will help my hubby too as he has been very concerned of late about that specifically. thanks again everyone for your patience. i'm learning to "get a life" and it's a very good thing. ttfn, AngieSue

progress

can't comment specifically because the issues are very sensitive and personal to others - but i am definitely seeing progress in my relationships to dearly loved ones. just realized i rarely post the good stuff here so had to put something.