update

still having the chest pains. still recording high blood pressure with it. so my doctor says we've got to get that under control even if we dont know what's causing it. she is slowly weaning me on to two new meds to take care of this.

meantime, i'm exhausted as all get out. sleeping like a late term pregnant person but without the baby. still taking it one day at a time.

from home

all tests came back normal and good. whatever the pains are caused by, they are NOT my heart. my heart is healthy.

i was released from the hospital as soon as the last one came back.

am glad to be home. will followup with my dr on thursday

from the hospital

so i'm writing this from my hospital bed. chest pains and spiked bp landed me here yesterday. they are testing like crazy. blood every couple of hours, chest xray and halter monitor... and praise God so far every one has turned out well. this morning i have a stress test and then (i hope!!!) i'll be allowed to go home.

on the memory front, i had a HUGE breakthru. on saturday (my worst day), i took an old photo of him, nailed it to a piece of wood (oh that felt good), burned the wood (safely) four different ways (let's say all that was left was ashes, hehehe) then buried it and desecrated the grave the best i knew how. it threw me into dissociation but regardless, i managed to do SOMETHING to take my power back and reclaim the day. since then i've kinda been a walking zombie - so so soooooooooooooo exhausted - but better.

that's about all i have to share as i am waiting any minute for the person with the wheelchair to arrive to take me to my test. will post again when it's over and tell you how it went. hopefully with good news.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i found myself very emotional today. the tears began before 9:30am. all the pain of my past - the need to tell my story - the need to get out the nasty details - and trying so hard to hold on to the progress made tuesday and wednesday... i just couldnt manage - i fell apart. it's so so hard to consider that MY VERY OWN FATHER could be a sociopath to the point he literally held no empathy or remorse for his actions... i mean, for seven years i was his stupid playtoy for finding out just how much pain a human being can tolerate without tears... and in the end - just to do what i couldnt handle on my own - he drugged me and did all he wanted anyway. and then put pressure on ME to disappear and when i couldnt (because i was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD) he threatened the two most precious things in my life - himself and my mother. and then after watching me mess up big time and be a failure at disappearing - even to the point i was willing to give my own life in exchange for his - he killed himself and put the blame for it on my shoulders through a letter he mailed the day before he did it. and he never cared about me or my feelings or my wellbeing. ever.

i'm angry yes, but i'm also in pain because of it all.

guess i just needed to vent these feelings. tomorrow is the day of the anniversary both of his final rape - with the drugs - and also of his death. and i'm drowning in the pain.

Good News and Bad News

Good news is i've finally broken through whatever it was in my heart that kept me from seeing the truth. from believing it. finally, i've learned to see that i was never at fault for any of the awfulness. including his suicide. i've stopped being angry at me and begun to feel the anger that God intended - righteous anger at my father for what he did. who he was to me. this is a huge huge huge obstacle to overcome and i'm thrilled to say i'm here. feels so freeing - so good. i wouldnt say yet that i have peace exactly, but a sense of validation - being glad i exist instead of wishing not to is a wonderful change.

so mentally and emotionally, i'm in a good place right now. except...

Bad news is i'm having chest pains. they're scaring me quite well thank you very much. i went to the dr today and had an ekg but there are still more tests to do as they dont know the cause of whatever it is that's happening. i have testing this week, a change in meds, and two more appointments next week. have also been told that if it gets worse or changes in a way that causes me concern, that i should go straight to the emergency room.

anyway. please pray. i promise to update as soon as i know something more concrete. thanks in advance.

so i ended up sick when i skipped church - good thing i didnt go, i didnt realize it yet and was contagious so it was good i stayed home.

since then - had a good saturday and a terrible rest of the time including today.

found myself today a basketcase and ended up opening up and sharing things i've not shared before AT ALL... EVER... with a new friend. am praying now she doesnt end up not liking me because of the huge levels of pain and ignorance i showed.

tomorrow is wednesday and i have to work. please pray that i have some semblance of sanity and self control to do so without falling apart again.

guess that's all i can handle sharing tonight. headed to bed.

goodnight, world.

Goodbye August...

the month of Nine is here again. i got out of bed and went to work today but not willingly. i wish i stayed in bed. nothing about the day was redeemable.

skipped church tonight - too exhausted to go.

this is not a good beginning.