so confused - trigger warning!

so lately i've been dealing a lot with my littles. luv and rosie mainly. there may be another 5 y/o but i'm not sure. they are so so so confused. nothing is making sense and it's bleeding into my own world as well. anyway, i needed to type a little about how luv is feeling but that includes some history about what happened. dear, precious survivor friends, this is where you check out and stop reading - TW!!!

she was 5. the "molestation" had been going on for 3 years already. idk that even that word is acceptable because some people tell me it counts as rape if penetration happens - even with fingers and/or objects. in her case, both. since day one. the worst was the soap because it burned and left "bubbles" up inside. she tried to explain this very uncomfortable feeling to her mother but nothing came of it. which only led to more confusion. how can this be happening? is this ok? it sure feels wrong and dirty... but it's my daddy and daddies are supposed to be good and right. daddy is ALWAYS right, even when she is wrong, because the pain. god, he could make it hurt bad. in so many ways. slamming her head to the floor and pushing it into the ground hard hard hard. she was sure one day her head would pop like a grape. or using her stupid button. it proved she was stupid. but the people at school said she was smart...ugh. nothing ever made sense anymore. since this whole thing started, nothing made sense. frustration and anger were high, but not allowed. it just made her feel more how she was bad and not enough. life was hard.

pardon me - i'm a mess

please forget the last post. it was all a huge misunderstanding.and we've worked it out since then. i'm just an emotional mess.

sorry

maybe i should disappear

this is one of a very few places i can just be myself. i've just been told i'm ruining someone elses life by being honest on one of the other places. feeling so very insignificant and stupid and worthless. if i cant use my voice, and have to go back into silence, i'll explode. maybe i should just delete everything and disappear.

Angry

omgoodness is this a difficult topic. i have so much anger inside that it surprises and scares me. what happened was so so so so so so so so so so wrong. and bad. and mean. and intentional. deliberate. planned out. sick. as much as it's been so hard to believe that it really was, there's really no arguing that now. not with the explanations and memories and everything. it just was. which means... it was NOT me that caused it. that changing of perspective is very disturbing to me. it's so hard to be angry with him (my dad)... to try to understand with my head how a father could be capable of that level of sickness at all, nevermind with his own firstborn - his daughter... it's very hard to accept. but if i do, wow, have i been wronged. how to cope... idk.

i am realizing this is a lot of where the si is coming from. this ambivalence about blame and the conflict inside that follows. and having the anger erupt... well, let's just say it's very good i didnt act on my urges today or i'd have been in the hospital...

i hate anger. so so so very much. i wish i had a clue how to deal with this besides just "containing" it until t...

am weeping now... gotta go.

trigger warning

just have to do something to get these stupid memories out of my head... note to my survivor friends - dont read if you arent in a safe place... i'm trying to be vague but the triggers are huge for me, so i cant compare to see if its safe for anyone else...

i never knew a safe time. ever. the rages began the moment he first laid eyes on me. and the only reason i can think of that the abuse didnt start before it did was because he was in the navy and not around. sad but true. so no, i never knew a safe way to feel emotions. been messed up my whole life.

at any hint of resistance, much less real emotional outbursts like tears or anger, he would smash my head to the floor and... gosh this is hard to say... and cause blinding pain in bad ways while forcing me to apologize over and over and over and over again until he felt i was sorry enough for the punishment to stop. even a single tear running down my face would cause this. i was required to remain emotionless except for terror and submission.

over and over and over...

never safe. that's why i dont feel safe now. i know it. but i dont know how to make it stop in my head. ugh.

the screaming and emotion in my head are sooooooooooo loud... and i feel very unsafe. not been out of bed except to bring kids to and from school for days...

will i EVER get better?

i hate my father

trying so so hard to put the blame where it belongs. anger is so very very difficult but i've got to rescue the little ones. i hate how his actions make me feel. i hate being so alone and small. i just really need to hate my dad today.

better and better

ok so i'm improving. i'm diary-ing this blog again (ugh!) but i AM improving.

had a major lightbulb moment the other day about the source of some MAJOR fears i'd been struggling through. it finally made sense why i was afraid and where that came from, so then i was able to see that the fear was irrational (seeing with head AND heart is rare - lol) and able to dismiss the fear.

not ready to share because of the person it involves would be mortified if i shared my issues with them online. but suffice to say, things will be much better as soon as i get the courage up to voice my concerns. just searching for the right words now.

anyway, that was a HUGE victory. besides that - still going thru all the standard stuff - nightmares, flashbacks, etc. just realizing it's been awhile on the panic attacks tho - wahoo!

hope and light in the tunnel today - so glad.