Crying Out...

Okay, God - You and me - right here - right now. I NEED YOU!!!

The Bible calls You my Protector, my Shelter, my Comforter, my very present Help in time of trouble... I'm crying out for that. Calling out for that. I NEED YOU!!!!!

God, hear my prayer, please hear. I'm beyond tired. I'm exhausted. I've got nothing left. I've run and run and run and run and it finally comes down to this - I've got nothing left. I collapse at Your feet, crying for mercy.

Please God, do something. Everywhere I turn, people remind me of Your victories, Your love, Your faithfulness. But I'm so alone. So broken. I'm glad You are there for them - but I cry out for You for me, too! Just can't see how I'd be worth Your time. Still feeling like a pile of refuse at Your feet. Please have mercy, God, I don't want to be what I am. Please be for me what You are for Your people. Be my Shepherd. Find me here in my hiding place and rescue me from my pain. Pour Your healing oil on my heart and bring me back to the land of the living. Let Your word come alive for me again. I need to feel Your Spirit. I need Your Strength to go on. It says in Your word that You care for us equally - if that's the case then You've got to want me whole... I need You, God. Please. Please help. Please!

Please don't leave me alone another day - I NEED YOU!!

Question

Okay, don't know if this question is answerable but I have to ask it anyway.

Been struggling with belly pain for 11 days now - severe in the last 5. Been to both the ER and the regular dr. No one can figure out what's the problem. Everyone wants to pawn me off on someone else. The answer for now is "wait and see" because there is nothing more they can do to help other than treat the pain until we know WHY it hurts and my body isn't yet telling it loudly enough I guess.

Maybe it's the pain meds or the duration, I don't know, but I'm beginning to see parallels from my physical pain to the pain in my spirit. Hurts like crazy. No one can fix it. Very isolating. Hard to function. Got to wait it out...

Guess my question is: are both of these something I just need to learn to live with? is it that the only way to get over them is to find a way to cope through them for indefinite amounts of time?

I know God will eventually heal. I also know my heart will never be as though it never happened. Maybe acceptance is something I need in both places? Just accept it and live with it. Just sounds like such a bummer solution, you know?

I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I want it all to be over. Both physically and in my heart. I'm so tired.

Come on, God. Where are You? Is this really what You want for me?

I will yet hope...

Just sitting down to vent today - so frustrated - been sick and in pain without remedy and overwhelmed in my heart with trying to accept what was - and this message of hope shows up in my email inbox - God's timing is perfect.

Holding on to hope based on that message. My victory WILL come.

I will yet hope in Him, My Savior and My God.

Watch this space - I'm waiting for that victory...

The Work Always Continues...

I told him, I did. Mentioned that in the last blog - the one I posted for everyone that reads this now - suddenly I have an audience - I'm getting self-concious about this thing now... (note to all y'all who read this: this is the one place I can vent - don't hate me for being candid, but I can't be polished for you - I need this little blog. I need to be me here. And I need to not care what you think and just be able to say whatever I need. Take what you want from it, but I don't write it for you - this is my space to think. Just needed to say that. Thank you for understanding....)

But I told him. And the world didn't end.

The question my counselor asked, and then my best friend asked, "Do you feel better now?"

Well, it's complicated. Yeah, I'm relieved not to feel like I have to pretend or hide at home anymore. And I'm glad he doesn't hate me. (Although, for the record - he's the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful guy you ever met so that really wasn't going to happen...) So yeah, I feel better about those things. Of course. Do I feel better from the pain? No. No, I don't. Admitting that everything I never wanted is what IS - it hurts. Accepting that the worst possible thing really did happen and that it can never be undone is HARD. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

If my stomach didn't hurt so bad today, I'd be sobbing up a storm.

I sure hope my poor husband knew what he was in for. It's about to be the weekend and I'm a basketcase and he's going to be home for it and if I'm not hiding anymore... this means quite the surprise for him. But I'm glad I don't have to be alone when I cry. I hope he can handle it because I need those big arms and shoulders of his today.

I wish this would end. I really do. I wish this pain would stop. I wish I could just be a regular person. I wish life had a fast forward button and I could just skip all this pain and go straight to the healing everybody talks about. I wish it were over already. The road is long. And I'm tired. I'm so tired.

Guess that's all I have to say. I've got to go rest a bit. My belly is declaring war on my body. Gotta go see if I can get it to calm down.

Okay, I did it

I'm late for counseling this morning - but i just had to note that I talked to my husband last night. And the world didn't end.

Praise God.

How do I do this?!

Ugh. I know what I have to do. I just don't want to do it. My heart is screaming. 3 people this week have reiterated it. But I still feel the need to run.

I have to tell my husband more than he knows. I have to tell him what really happened. But doing that means admitting once and for all that it was real - and it wasn't just a bad dream. And that it really was as bad as I'm being bombarded with remembering it.

Admitting that I was trash. At least to my father, I was.

It's killing me. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to have this past. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know that I can live with the label forevermore. I can't. It's like letting him win. Succumbing to him being right about me.

It sounds stupid, but I went off to college thinking I'd just make a new identity. No one knew me. No one knew my family. I could be anything I wanted. No one would ever have to know the difference. It's the only time in my life I was not afraid to make friends. I decided what I wanted to be and people liked me and life was good. I laughed, I played, I fit in. I never wanted this to catch up with me. I liked my new life. I just thought if I did a good enough job at creating the new me, I could make it go away and it would never have to be an issue again. That's not so bad, right?

Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I can't disappear. No matter how much I run, it catches up with me. This is all I'll ever be.

I wished it was all a really horrific nightmare - just a bad dream. I wished it so hard that for a long time I didn't know what reality was anymore. I did a good job. I did it so well, that I still wonder. But as I sit here and type this, and think about how I've agonized over telling - thinking that if I was wrong and it was a bad dream that God would make me burn in hell for lying and the whole world would hate me - I realize that the lie was that it didn't exist. The lie is this facade I've worn for so long while I've run.

But I like the lie better. I don't want what I was. I'd rather be happy and well adjusted and fit in. But I can't keep it up anymore - the pressure is killing me there, too. As much as I want that, I'm not that.

Telling my husband means making a commitment to a decision - which side of the line am I committing to... there will be no going back. I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life - sitting there beside him knowing he knows what I really am and that I can never, ever, ever make it go away again. Unlike a counselor or a friend, who might go away or be scared off, this is the man who committed his LIFE to me - he's not going anywhere. There's no going back. No more hiding. No more running. It becomes reality. The battle is lost. Forever.

Ugh! I know what I have to do. I just don't want to do it.

Not Done Yet

My head is spinning. My heart is so overwhelmed. The thing in my gut is back. I'm flashing again. It's been a desperate week. I've been fighting the hopelessness that makes me want to just curl up and die. I won't give in, but I won't lie and say it hasn't been a battle and a half...

God is intervening - He had more people hug me and express love today in church than I thought possible. The timing was incredible - they had no idea because I don't let on how badly I hurt - I can't let on - not yet - I wanted to - I almost said something - but I couldn't - but it meant the world to me nonetheless. There has to be hope if God can cause all these people to care all at the same time.

I don't know why I can't grasp this help He sends. I'm trying - I really am. So many people keep saying, "Just let it go." But they have NO idea. If I could simply put it down, I'd have done it years ago. It's not that simple. It's who I am. I'm trying not to be defined by it, but it's defined me for so long - this is why I run so hard - this is what I've run from for as long as I can remember - I just don't know how to change. how to quit. I'm afraid to stop running - it's too huge. too painful. too aweful.

I don't want this to be my past. I don't want to be the one they threw away. I don't want to be so worthless that even my father couldn't care. I don't know how not to be afraid, not to be worthless, not to be miserable, not to feel worthy of the hell in my heart because of what happened.

God, here I am again - same place, same problems, different day. I cry out for mercy AGAIN. I pray You don't get tired of hearing the same thing so many times. I thank You that You understand I'm just dirt. Please help me. Please rescue me. Please show me the way out. Take my hand and drag me - carry me - whatever it takes - make it better, God - please?

Unbelievable Grace

Okay, I'm definitely digging out. My heart hurts like crazy and my head is screaming and I'm dead tired but I'm definitely moving forward.

Praise report #1 - not one complete flashback since the dream. only partials and they're getting rare. this in and of itself is a miracle of God. It's been over a week - AMAZING. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. Praise God.

#2 - things are beginning to make sense. finally began to accept my past as it was this week - quit running, quit trying to change it, quit trying to deny it or wish it away. Just sat down with God and cried over it. Mourned for it. Gut wrenching days of sobbing but honest tears instead of fear and confusion and fighting the truth - just honest grief. painful as it is, I've never been able to do that.

Part of accepting it also came with having to accept my need to be loved. I never got to feel like a real kid. To rejoice in the simple stuff around me and to just relish life. I never got to know what it's like to be loved and accepted and treasured just for being me. My whole life (Christian life included) has been centered around trying to make everyone else happy - to meet everyone else's needs - to be invisible. I've wished for far too long that I was never born - or worse. Felt like half a person with no right to be alive unless I was earning that right by doing stuff for everyone else. I had no right to have needs. But I'm realizing that it's okay to have needs.

It's okay that I'm tired and worn out and need to heal. It's okay that I need friends. It's okay that I need God to love me. And it's also then, okay that I needed a Dad - that I, as a little girl, desperately sought his attention, and that I, as an adult, still have a hole left by the lack of it. And if it's alright for that need to have been valid, then it's also okay to ask God to fill it. He frees me to no longer feel worthless because I'm not perfect - He gives me permission to relish His amazing love and incredible grace... and take the time I need to bask in it and absorb it and not feel guilty for it.

This is a major change in life view for me. Everything to this point has all been about running, earning, doing... never say die - never show fear - never be vulnerable - never have needs - anything less than perfect is unacceptable. Push harder. Do more. Why can't I be enough? No one can live up to that. And I've hated me for it. Hated the little girl inside me for it. And this isn't the way God meant for it to be. And I'm finally realizing that.

Got a long way to go. I still hate that little girl. I want to forgive, I do. But the pain runs so deep. so very deep. I'm asking God for help here because I know that's the next step. finally letting her be. finally letting it end. It sounds stupid, but I have no idea how to do that. I see the truth. I understand it with my head. I know in my heart where the guilt lies. But changing a lifetime trajectory is not an easy task.

I praise God for taking me this far. For being so patient. For carrying me thus far through the hardest thing I've ever done. The progress to now alone is miraculous. I know I couldn't be here without Him. But I can't stop here. I know the trajectory is still messed up. I'm not done yet.

God, help me forgive. Help me to put things in order in my heart. Help me to forgive little Angie, to forgive my father, and to forgive the other people who have hurt me or contributed to it. Help me to complete this journey. I know You have so much more for me. I want to live the life You intended. I want to help other people do the same. I want to breathe and dance and sing and live. I want to share and love and help others. I want to be honoring to Your glory with my whole being. Please give me the strength, courage and wisdom to finish the course. In Jesus Name!

A Message of Hope

Finally feeling some real hope - not just a glimmer but I really believe that things are getting better and will continue that way. I can see healing as a real possibility for me. I'm so impressed at what God is doing.

Couple of days ago, had a series of really bad nightmares - several bad nights in a row but the last one was REALLY bad. Normally the flashback nightmares are once through the awefulness and then I'm awake and out of there and I just find a way not to go back to sleep until it has passed. This time (it was a daytime nap after a hard night), it was several bad ones back to back without being able to wake up in between - the last one was full flashback in vivid detail - when I'm in the midst of it, I can't tell it's not really happening - it's really, really bad. But the ending was VERY different.

God was there. He just suddenly was there. And He cut me free. He had some kind of big soft blanket to scoop me up in and cover me. He wrapped me up and took me up into His lap. I was so small. He was so big. Big enough I could lay down while He held me and have as much room as my bed. I was terrified and overwhelmed from what all just happened and He just held me. The feeling of being safe was tangible. Even though I was so emotional from all I had just experienced, it was like I was saturated with His safety - like warm oil flowing through me inside and out - tingly and good. He just held me and let me cry in His lap for I have no idea how long. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was still crying when I woke up - my pillow was wet with tears. It was intense.

It affected me in a really big way. At first it was just the left over terror of the dreams. But it's been two nights since then and I have not had another nightmare. Now the reality of it is starting to sink in.

I keep thinking of the scripture, "when my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." (Ps 27:10)

I think this is my answer about how things can go on after this. I've been so stuck on the thought that there's just no way that I can recover from a wound this deep - that I've been damaged beyond repair - that somehow I am the exception to God's mercy. But God is not rejecting me. He sees me like the Bible says and not like I thought. And He CAN take me out of it and turn it around. I figure if He can take me up - literally - even after all I endured - and hold me instead of throwing me away like my dad did, then there has to be hope that He'll finish the work and heal my heart.

And the hope inside me is growing now. First, it was a passing thought through the emotion of the nightmare - trying to process the ending. Then, it was a "hey, that's good." Today, I actually believe it. Really. In my heart.

I know I have much more mountain to climb, but I feel like I'm finally making some real progress - it finally feels do-able.

Praise God!