ok so here's what's happening

so the tsunami is over... for now. i managed to forgive little luv for being who she is and dealing with what she did in the way that she did. it occurs to me i had to do this with Rosie also, not too long ago. i'm wondering if there's a pattern here. ie - let me count the ways i hate myself and one at a time learn to forgive me for being the stupid whatever that i am and someday i'll like myself? idk.

anyway, i went to therapy on monday and talked to my t about all this. she said that all parts need a voice even the ones who dont have pleasant things to say and that i should let them talk. at first i was very afraid of that - who knows what they might say or do? - but she assured me that therapy is the place to work those things out so i, for the first time, let my guard down enough for her to meet them. and meet them, she did! they came out hollering and yelling and crying and throwing fits. they came out in all sorts of ways - and luv came out too. she came out curled up in a ball, trying not to suck her thumb and bawling and crying and very insecure and afraid. she was last and it took a long time till i was able to come back and take over. and when i did i was hyperventilating too and not being able to deal with all that happened.

we talked a long long time - had time to go over a lot - that extra half hour meant so much and we used it well. by the time it was over i'd done everything from flailing and stomping to curling up tiny and tight. i was physically, emotionally and spiritually worn out. but better.

a whole lot more peaceful and such anyway. and not a silent head but certainly one with much much less noise.

since then it's been up and down. the tsunami of flooding of emotions may have passed but the waves are still very large and the wind is still moving fast.

i was in crisis mode last night and talked to everyone who would lend an ear but Darin. i still dont think he gets it. anyway all that ended about midnight or so and i was just beginning to collapse into the pillows when my cell rang and it was Robin - one of the people i'd talked to earlier. she had taken the only audible phrase i could remember recurring and googled it.

some black magick group that works with masons and does awful things. she kept reiterating that this was real and not imaginary. i'd have reacted more awfully afraid but i was on my sleeping meds and so it was all i could do to stay awake to listen. it's really hitting home now (13 hours later).

it was real. it was ALL real. and there are others who have this awful past too. THEN i get confirmation from a different friend that she knows someone who was abused by this same group and they even have same specific symptoms and sounds in their heads.

omg. i feel so unsafe now.

i am so awful

ok so peace is over. it lasted three wonderful weeks - 23 beautiful days.

my t said i was "stable" (NOT!), so we started the "telling" phase of therapy last week (that's step 2 of 3, impressive)... ok so i told the tiniest piece. told how his face keeps coming up in mine. told how he used to be at bathtime. told how he'd scrub me raw inside and out with a bottle brush - at three years old - and make me beg him to forgive me for being bad. And how i wasnt allowed to cry and how i had to deal with the inspections and stuff... just that. that's it.

of course it would have to be in the midst of still moving, less than a week following my car wreck that totaled the car and sent my son and i to the ER... in the midst of flashbacks and nightmares and such. so.... neeedless to say it's been awful since then. back to panic attack world. chest pains and all.

the emotions have been super strong and the flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks relentless. got to the point where i could barely get out of bed again and i felt like i was back to square one. not good.

t said to use my binder and try ALL the coping skills till i found something that worked. so i decided on writing. not sure if that was a good idea, it DID help me come to a solution but i KNOW the solution is probably one of the least healthy things i can do...

i stared at the picture i have of luv for a long long time. and i gave her the pen and let her use it to express her feelings (i wrote what she said). again, very strong feelings - that of a three yr old that understands nothing - and flashbacks and another panic attack.

so i let my other parts speak next. and what they said made so much sense. basically it boiled down to that luv was spoiled rotten and didnt have to go thru nearly anything in the horrible list of stuff we've been thru. she also got to sleep EVERY NIGHT and play carefree EVERY DAY. the only time she ever had to deal with any of the pain was at bathtime and then it was so minor in comparison to the rest. she was so spoiled. she had it so good.

so i decided to abandon her again. to mark her pain up to spoiled brat tantrum overreacting and excommunicate her from us.

and you know what? it surprised me but the minute i decided that and did it, i was filled with such a peace and calm. i hadnt' cut or anything else unhealthy, and suddenly the pain was gone anyway.

so here i am in the numb of it all, enjoying the break and the peace and sleeping even. i know i made a terrible decision and i'm told i'll pay for it threefold. but wow. why should i feel bad - the argument makes so much sense. i know it's all over when i go back to t on Monday but in the mean time no more luv. and it feels so good.

how awful does that make me?