trying again

Dear mom, I don’t get it. I have no clue how a person can disown her own child. Her firstborn. How in the world could you ignore my pleas for help? Why did you not pay attention?! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you Loving you is so so so so hard i am crying. you are not worth my tears and yet this pain still wracks my heart. i dont have words for the obscenities i'd like to shout. i dream about taking out all of my anger and frustrations on you. about bludgeoning you - pummelling you with my fists - pounding until blood spurts, bones break and more importantly, your heart begins to be affected by these levels of pain... why could you never see how much this pain bludgeoned ME? i was 2 - TWO!!! - only two years old and yet you turned deaf ears. i used the only words i had - i told you what was happening to the best of my ability... IT WAS YOUR JOB TO LISTEN AND HEAR! YOU DIDNT DO YOUR JOB. Now you want to move away. to make our visits more difficult. i know my heart should be breaking at our distancing but even when i share the same town as you, i avoid you. i NEED the distance. you dont even know the levels of pain and despair that you contributed to. i hate you. i HATE you. I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to hate you. i dont hate you. i love you. and i hate you for that. that i cannot even have the freedom to scream the words that i wish would break your heart. you broke mine. i just have no concept how you could have abandoned me that way. i need you to know that.

angry letter

i was going to write a letter to my mother with all the anger i am feeling at her at the moment but so many feelings are contradictory and i dont think i'm ready. to those that are reading, yeah, i'm struggling again, but it's that time of year and the month of nine is around the corner. i will survive. i will beat this. but at the same time, i am struggling.

Look Out!!!

ok so i am feeling the strongest and most empowered i have ever felt. i believe i am ready to speak. here goes... the rapes began when i was 2. at first it was digital and objects. it was full on by the time i hit kindergarten. by first grade he was sharing me with friends. this went on until seventh grade. there was psychological, emotional, physical, sexual and every other kind of torture that exist to my knowledge. i've called it molestation, rape, abuse, SRA... trafficking, even. but i never understood really what was happening until now. it was all about power, sexual climax, pain, sadism and profit. it was never about me. never was i allowed to exist. it all stops now. i have finally come to the point where i feel empowered and strong and human and well and good and powerful myself. i choose to spend the rest of my life helping others recover from such histories. i am ready to speak. to go back to school. to learn. to grow. to be an adult. i want to find my niche in fighting human trafficking. as far as i am concerned, i'll save as many as i can. like the starfish story. i am human hear me roar - look out world - i'm ready!

Declaration of Independance

I declare this day my independance from all the stupid people who hurt me. My name is AngieSue. I am a survivor of a horrific past. I am a person with a tremendous future. Including the ability to help others in need. Look out, world, here I come!!!

update

doing well. feeling good. things are peaceful at the moment. am busy enjoying the break. will post more if i get some time but just wanted my faithful followers to know that the quiet this time is for good things happening, not for bad. :)