Okay, this is a blog that has nothing to do with anything. Simply a funny blog to make a good friend of mine smile on a special day.
So, in honor of my friend, I challenge everyone to go outside and smell the roses or dance in the rain or howl at the moon. Better yet, go play practical jokes...
Dear one, in your honor, a practical joke has been played on my husband. While he was waking up from surgery and heavily on pain meds last week, i treated him to a pedicure...complete with bright red toenail polish. His toes are quite pretty.
Love ya! Hope you like your special treat! (grin)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Not a good candidate for therapy?
okay, so i've been with this new counselor for about 3 weeks and she told me today that she thought i was not a good candidate for therapy. she said that she thinks i prefer to do things alone since i'm so hesitant to open up and because i freaked out about two weeks ago over something she said and went to someone else and followed their advice instead. it wasn't another therapist - it was my pastor. her comments had set off a major trigger and i was struggling with her advice so badly that i got myself into a major crisis... scary... but i was too afraid of the consequences that she could make happen if i told her so i never told her why... anyway, she still doesn't know and now i fear i've gotten myself into a situation i don't know how to make it out of... when she said that, i started crying really hard. i tried to stop myself but it just took over. i begged her not to give up on me and she looked at me like i was misunderstanding her again... i don't know what it is that she wants from me. i promised her that i'd do whatever she said if she would just not quit seeing me. she said she had no intention of quitting seeing me but that she wanted me to have more insight into my own self so i can work toward healing and not keep up all these walls that keep people out... seems to me a very cruel way to point out my shortcomings... i'm trying very, very hard not to wear my feelings on my shoulder but i'm being very vulnerable with this woman, i think it's fair to assume she can hurt me pretty easily? as far as not opening up, although verbally i've not been able to be real revealing, i have given her a written copy of my story that only one other person on the planet has even an idea it exists... this is huge for me...
i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid and immature and don't really understand how this counseling thing works...
and then she also repeated somehting i've also heard from countless non-survivor friends recently... that all of this pain, all of these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, all of the flashbacks, nightmares, everything - that all of it is in my head and if i'd just figure out that i hold the power over it and decide to excercise that power (like Dorothy clicking her heels to leave Oz) that i'd be free and life could be good again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN? I DON'T CHOOSE THIS AS A LIFESTYLE FOR KICKS! I WISH MORE THAN ALL OF THEM COMBINED THAT I COULD BE FREE!!!!! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT?!
Why does the world think i'm stupid and stubborn? Am i really? If so, how come i can't figure this out? Is this really all there is... it's just up to me to figure it out on my own? If so, what's the point in therapy to begin with - just to jerk us around and give us false hope? just to talk us out of all the awful things that go thru our heads until we knock sense into ourselves? i wish i had a way to understand. am i doing this wrong? am i stupid? i am soooooooooooo confused....
if she was trying to provoke me, it worked. but i have no clue what i'm supposed to do. i already know that i'm a failure as a person, that i can't figure things out the way i should and that i don't interact with people the way i should. i already know that i don't measure up and that i can't do stuff right. why does everyone have to keep pointing it out? am i really that worthless?
not a good candidate for therapy. golly!!! .... didn't realize i had to be perfect for that too...
i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid and immature and don't really understand how this counseling thing works...
and then she also repeated somehting i've also heard from countless non-survivor friends recently... that all of this pain, all of these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, all of the flashbacks, nightmares, everything - that all of it is in my head and if i'd just figure out that i hold the power over it and decide to excercise that power (like Dorothy clicking her heels to leave Oz) that i'd be free and life could be good again.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN? I DON'T CHOOSE THIS AS A LIFESTYLE FOR KICKS! I WISH MORE THAN ALL OF THEM COMBINED THAT I COULD BE FREE!!!!! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT?!
Why does the world think i'm stupid and stubborn? Am i really? If so, how come i can't figure this out? Is this really all there is... it's just up to me to figure it out on my own? If so, what's the point in therapy to begin with - just to jerk us around and give us false hope? just to talk us out of all the awful things that go thru our heads until we knock sense into ourselves? i wish i had a way to understand. am i doing this wrong? am i stupid? i am soooooooooooo confused....
if she was trying to provoke me, it worked. but i have no clue what i'm supposed to do. i already know that i'm a failure as a person, that i can't figure things out the way i should and that i don't interact with people the way i should. i already know that i don't measure up and that i can't do stuff right. why does everyone have to keep pointing it out? am i really that worthless?
not a good candidate for therapy. golly!!! .... didn't realize i had to be perfect for that too...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Progress
Okay - so I prayed hard over all the advice I was given regarding forgiveness... my decision at the end is to continue to take all of my issues and lay them down at God's feet as many times as it takes. Regarding the whole idea of asking God to have mercy on my father... well, I decided to lay that down at His feet too. Being completely honest with God, I wept and cried and told Him that this is something that I know I fall short in and that I totally do NOT want to be displeasing to Him. I asked Him, since I am not sure that He requires that of me to please have His will be done. I figure: 1 - if He does require that, He'll work on my heart and get me there. 2 - same thought, if this IS a requirement, then being willing to leave it in His hands is a good first step. 3 - if it's NOT a requirement, it's certainly NEVER bad to put things in His hands and let it go into His will. and 4 - if He doesn't, then simply having been willing to submit will be pleasing to Him.
Putting feet to that, I prayed over meeting with my mother and had a very good conversation in which the Lord allowed me to pour out my heart and to listen to hers. we do still both stand with very different viewpoints but i feel better having been able to express my heart and hear hers and have some reconciliation. we still disagree but we do so peacefully and i believe that is tremendous progress. until now, i never in a million years would have been that brave to meet with her and say the things that i needed to say, and i truly don't believe she would have been nearly so accepting of that either, so it's definitely a God thing. Praise God.
Today where do i stand? well, am still battling hard. Wont' lie, spent about three hours at a park this week contemplating suicide. God gave me a good friend who was willing to just listen and pray until i felt better and God intervened and brought peace and strength to keep going. i did not come out unscathed, i cut about a four inch slice into my left arm, which, yes, i am answering for. i am still struggling deeply. But God is bigger and i'm just taking things one minute at a time. it's taking a lot more medication and prayer to keep me stable, but i am still holding on. For now, i think that's really all i can expect.
Appreciate everyone's prayers. I'm sorry for not updating this blog more often, but truly, i've spent so much time in battle that it's kind of taken the back burner for the time being so that i can focus on getting myself to a place where i can breathe again... not to mention all of the preparation work for my husband's gall bladder surgery the day after tomorrow... so please forgive me for being a bit absentminded for the time being....
Exhausted, but hanging on as tight as i can,
AngieSue
Putting feet to that, I prayed over meeting with my mother and had a very good conversation in which the Lord allowed me to pour out my heart and to listen to hers. we do still both stand with very different viewpoints but i feel better having been able to express my heart and hear hers and have some reconciliation. we still disagree but we do so peacefully and i believe that is tremendous progress. until now, i never in a million years would have been that brave to meet with her and say the things that i needed to say, and i truly don't believe she would have been nearly so accepting of that either, so it's definitely a God thing. Praise God.
Today where do i stand? well, am still battling hard. Wont' lie, spent about three hours at a park this week contemplating suicide. God gave me a good friend who was willing to just listen and pray until i felt better and God intervened and brought peace and strength to keep going. i did not come out unscathed, i cut about a four inch slice into my left arm, which, yes, i am answering for. i am still struggling deeply. But God is bigger and i'm just taking things one minute at a time. it's taking a lot more medication and prayer to keep me stable, but i am still holding on. For now, i think that's really all i can expect.
Appreciate everyone's prayers. I'm sorry for not updating this blog more often, but truly, i've spent so much time in battle that it's kind of taken the back burner for the time being so that i can focus on getting myself to a place where i can breathe again... not to mention all of the preparation work for my husband's gall bladder surgery the day after tomorrow... so please forgive me for being a bit absentminded for the time being....
Exhausted, but hanging on as tight as i can,
AngieSue
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Questions of the day
okay - been a while since i posted. Quick update. DID give my story to my new counselor. DID live through it and not tear myself into too many pieces before and after. And she DID NOT freak... in fact she barely reacted... that was weird. Also survived the crazy saga with my folks for those of you who know what was happening regarding their new living arrangements - we've come to a compromise that's liveable so... life goes on... :-(
So today's Questions of the day...
My friends at church have taken it upon themselves to pull me aside (i've been having panic attacks at church so it's kind of hard to hide i'm going through stuff...) and pray over me. I appreciate the concern (even if it is embarrassing) and the love but am unsure what to do with the advice... they are suggesting that this is a forgiveness issue and enemy attacks. i understand about needing to forgive and, to be honest, it's what i've been praying about all weekend regarding my mother and step-father but the way it was worded is a way i've never heard before and i'm not sure i can do... they said that i should do like Jesus on the cross and ask God not to hold their sin against them. This i can do for my mother and also my step-father but for my abusive dad... i'm not sure that it's the right thing... do they know what they ask? not even. is that a Biblical request? i'm not so sure. i understand forgiveness and i understand leaving it in God's hands and completely agree with those and am working that way... but is it not okay to be glad that God is a just God and ask Him to take care of things with my very sick father? does Biblical forgiveness actually require me to go to the extent that i'm required to ask God to let him go scot-free? that just doesn't seem right...
i know my friends mean well. they have no clue the extent or even the nature of my abuse - only that my father was abusive and that i just can't vocalize more... but regardless of that, God's commands are God's commands - I don't believe they are conditional. If it applies to small things it also applies to large things... does He require this of me? If so... HOW?
This isn't even the question i wanted to post. I'm also struggling with their second suggestion - that i need to just stop thinking about this stuff and let life go on... this is absolutely situational and a lot easier to set aside and chalk up to their lack of understanding. they have no clue what a flashback is really like - as evidenced by their advice for how to handle them (just choose not to think about it - go do something else instead. ha! if it were that easy i'd have done it long ago, people!!!!) and they also apparently have never dealt with stuffed emotions either because i know my counselor would NEVER tell me to go back to all my old coping mechanisms of distraction and ignoring of all of it. spiritual warfare? yes. filling my mind with scripture and Godly things? yes. lots of prayer? absolutely. doing things that are productive and help me feel good instead of intentionally causing myself injury to cope? yep. but distraction and pretending that it's all good even when it's not? i don't think so. that's kind of what got me here to begin with...
so here's the other question and i'm not sure it has an answer today: How IS life supposed to go on after all this stuff? How in the world am i supposed to just accept a past like this one and then go back to being who i was before? And if i let it re-define me... wow... what am i supposed to do with this?
So, the recap in a nutshell:
1. forgiveness - am i really supposed to ask God to let him off the hook?
and 2. getting a life - hmmmmmmm - nope, not ready for a nutshell yet, i think this one just has to sit and percolate a little longer...
So today's Questions of the day...
My friends at church have taken it upon themselves to pull me aside (i've been having panic attacks at church so it's kind of hard to hide i'm going through stuff...) and pray over me. I appreciate the concern (even if it is embarrassing) and the love but am unsure what to do with the advice... they are suggesting that this is a forgiveness issue and enemy attacks. i understand about needing to forgive and, to be honest, it's what i've been praying about all weekend regarding my mother and step-father but the way it was worded is a way i've never heard before and i'm not sure i can do... they said that i should do like Jesus on the cross and ask God not to hold their sin against them. This i can do for my mother and also my step-father but for my abusive dad... i'm not sure that it's the right thing... do they know what they ask? not even. is that a Biblical request? i'm not so sure. i understand forgiveness and i understand leaving it in God's hands and completely agree with those and am working that way... but is it not okay to be glad that God is a just God and ask Him to take care of things with my very sick father? does Biblical forgiveness actually require me to go to the extent that i'm required to ask God to let him go scot-free? that just doesn't seem right...
i know my friends mean well. they have no clue the extent or even the nature of my abuse - only that my father was abusive and that i just can't vocalize more... but regardless of that, God's commands are God's commands - I don't believe they are conditional. If it applies to small things it also applies to large things... does He require this of me? If so... HOW?
This isn't even the question i wanted to post. I'm also struggling with their second suggestion - that i need to just stop thinking about this stuff and let life go on... this is absolutely situational and a lot easier to set aside and chalk up to their lack of understanding. they have no clue what a flashback is really like - as evidenced by their advice for how to handle them (just choose not to think about it - go do something else instead. ha! if it were that easy i'd have done it long ago, people!!!!) and they also apparently have never dealt with stuffed emotions either because i know my counselor would NEVER tell me to go back to all my old coping mechanisms of distraction and ignoring of all of it. spiritual warfare? yes. filling my mind with scripture and Godly things? yes. lots of prayer? absolutely. doing things that are productive and help me feel good instead of intentionally causing myself injury to cope? yep. but distraction and pretending that it's all good even when it's not? i don't think so. that's kind of what got me here to begin with...
so here's the other question and i'm not sure it has an answer today: How IS life supposed to go on after all this stuff? How in the world am i supposed to just accept a past like this one and then go back to being who i was before? And if i let it re-define me... wow... what am i supposed to do with this?
So, the recap in a nutshell:
1. forgiveness - am i really supposed to ask God to let him off the hook?
and 2. getting a life - hmmmmmmm - nope, not ready for a nutshell yet, i think this one just has to sit and percolate a little longer...
Friday, June 5, 2009
did it!
went to counseling today with a printed copy of my story (the whole thing)and gave it to her. it ended up being 8 pages long. she said she'd read it over the weekend and then talk with me about it on Monday. I'm very nervous about that, but at the same time so proud that I did it.
wow...
it inspired the little Angie in me to draw a picture of feeling hope. thought I'd share:
wow...
it inspired the little Angie in me to draw a picture of feeling hope. thought I'd share:
Accomplishment
Okay - i have completed a huge hurdle today. finally was able to finish something i've been working on since mid March... have been writing out my story in full. all of it. and then this week my new therapist asked me to try to reframe my perspective around this new information and so, since i was just about finished anyway, i went ahead and took a few hours and did that too...
am completely exhausted and am battling and struggling quite a bit as a result but at the same time - this is a huge accomplishment for me - getting it all out.
so - praise report that it's done. and prayer request for the battle to be free from it that is now ensuing in full force.
one other thing - y'all have ALL been so supportive lately and careful to reply to every post and remind me that i'm going to get thru this and that y'all are praying and stuff... just had to say thank you. i don't know if you're aware how much of a difference that makes. it's huge. thank you.
alright, time to pass out - it's almost 2:30 am...
*hugs*
Ang
am completely exhausted and am battling and struggling quite a bit as a result but at the same time - this is a huge accomplishment for me - getting it all out.
so - praise report that it's done. and prayer request for the battle to be free from it that is now ensuing in full force.
one other thing - y'all have ALL been so supportive lately and careful to reply to every post and remind me that i'm going to get thru this and that y'all are praying and stuff... just had to say thank you. i don't know if you're aware how much of a difference that makes. it's huge. thank you.
alright, time to pass out - it's almost 2:30 am...
*hugs*
Ang
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Considering...
Okay, so i'm still processing all this info. had counseling again today and really kind of overwhelmed still at all this so we're kind of camping here until i can get past this... my homework still remains the same - try to absorb the information and re-frame my past based on it.
In a nutshell, basically she said that he was a sociopath and that his entire life centered around this plan to satisfy this passion. that i never meant anything more to him than simply being a convenient way to get his next fix... wow. so i asked her today, then that means that everything i did to try to earn his love was all for naught? none of it mattered? she said it mattered between me and God - in that i did my best with what i had - but that no, he was not capable of relating on that level...
this is an awful lot to process. that in all reality, i was nothing more than a puppet in all of it. no love, no hate, no meaning - just a puppet and a puppeteer. the things he said, the things he did, the way life was... all of it simply a setup to get what he wanted. like The Truman Show - the lines and plot designed to get the one unsuspecting character to do as you please and none of it is real...
i'll say it alleviates an awful lot of guilt, seeing it that way. truly, there was absolutely NOTHING i could do to not be in that situation and i can see where he choreographed even my reactions and needs to his liking...
it makes me very, very sad.
but also confused. if this is true, how much of who i am is "programmed" and how much is really ME? it makes me question anything and everything i ever did or thought or anything...
what is my identity? how much of me is really ME?
In a nutshell, basically she said that he was a sociopath and that his entire life centered around this plan to satisfy this passion. that i never meant anything more to him than simply being a convenient way to get his next fix... wow. so i asked her today, then that means that everything i did to try to earn his love was all for naught? none of it mattered? she said it mattered between me and God - in that i did my best with what i had - but that no, he was not capable of relating on that level...
this is an awful lot to process. that in all reality, i was nothing more than a puppet in all of it. no love, no hate, no meaning - just a puppet and a puppeteer. the things he said, the things he did, the way life was... all of it simply a setup to get what he wanted. like The Truman Show - the lines and plot designed to get the one unsuspecting character to do as you please and none of it is real...
i'll say it alleviates an awful lot of guilt, seeing it that way. truly, there was absolutely NOTHING i could do to not be in that situation and i can see where he choreographed even my reactions and needs to his liking...
it makes me very, very sad.
but also confused. if this is true, how much of who i am is "programmed" and how much is really ME? it makes me question anything and everything i ever did or thought or anything...
what is my identity? how much of me is really ME?
Monday, June 1, 2009
A Lot to Think About
had counseling again today. the homework (see previous post) was a very difficult thing to do because all of that was in relation to what was bugging me the most, which was the worst part of the abuse that's been flashing over and over... so i had to give her a bit of background in order for her to understand the answers to her questions in that context.
got very, very, very stressed going in expecting her to want to hear a lot of the story and her reaction surprised me. she didn't push for any more details than i wanted to volunteer but she gave ME a lot more information than i expected.
i came in with my own set of questions, as my obsession lately has been to understand it and she was the first one who didn't just blow that off entirely and say "you never will" but sit down and say okay, let's look at this... part of her doctoral studies was a requirement to spend a period of time studying people who perpetrate these types of crimes and how they think and work and such and she actually was able to answer quite a bit of how it worked...
tonight i'm just sitting here floored and trying to process this very different point of view on how life was in my family growing up... so pardon me if i'm quiet for the next couple of days as i have a lot to re-frame... so many of the things i thought i understood i now see in a completely different light and conversely some of the things i thought made no sense at all are now more clear. i am beginning to see things from an outside adult rather than from a child in the midst and it's a huge change of perspective.
wow.
got very, very, very stressed going in expecting her to want to hear a lot of the story and her reaction surprised me. she didn't push for any more details than i wanted to volunteer but she gave ME a lot more information than i expected.
i came in with my own set of questions, as my obsession lately has been to understand it and she was the first one who didn't just blow that off entirely and say "you never will" but sit down and say okay, let's look at this... part of her doctoral studies was a requirement to spend a period of time studying people who perpetrate these types of crimes and how they think and work and such and she actually was able to answer quite a bit of how it worked...
tonight i'm just sitting here floored and trying to process this very different point of view on how life was in my family growing up... so pardon me if i'm quiet for the next couple of days as i have a lot to re-frame... so many of the things i thought i understood i now see in a completely different light and conversely some of the things i thought made no sense at all are now more clear. i am beginning to see things from an outside adult rather than from a child in the midst and it's a huge change of perspective.
wow.
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