trying to cope...

having even more trouble coping. losing it to the point people are making comments about it. even acquaintences. so...finally managed to tell my counselor. her advice has been to get up out of the bed and push myself to function regardless of how i feel and also to see my doctor about an adjustment in my medications. sounds so simple. not so simple to live. have spent the last four days giving the advice my all - have run my little heart out the last four days. keeping commitments, doing chores, being social, all the things i did when i was well. but no. nothing. no change. if anything, at the end of the day i am having LESS hope and LESS ability to cope - feeling WORSE. takes tremendous amounts of energy to act fine when you truly aren't. urges to hurt myself growing stronger with the downward spiral. still fighting but wont' lie - it's harder every day. just dont know how much strength i have left. soonest i can get in to see my dr is a week from thursday so ive got to keep up some semblance of hope "as is" till then - they will not adjust meds over the phone.

anyway, this is where i am. losing my grip. clinging to the rope with all the strength i have left but am down to the knot. crying out for mercy. could really use some help.

sorry

ok, so have decided not to delete this blog. am currently in the midst of some seriously heavy stuff, and was tired of whining, and feeling very much that what i need to vent is not ok to vent here. but i do still need the prayer covering. more than ever. so. gonna just give y'all periodic updates, for now.

sorry for the craziness.

why bother?

considering deleting this blog.

pain just continues forever. progress is made only to slip back. things get better only to get worse.

writing is not happening because of a problem with my extended family.

just not seeing the point anymore.

appreciate the prayers, everyone, but maybe they'd be better used on someone who actually is going to get better.

i'm so sorry.