ups and downs

'nother update. still riding the emotional roller coaster. just is less chaotic. had a good day yesterday and am still doing better today. the new meds they put me on are helping me to be more myself and allowing me to sleep at night and it's making a wonderful difference.

still struggling during down times but regardless, am still doing better than before.

praise God

her

her. the other side of me. little me. no - no - no - no - not me! HER.

i can see her in my mind's eye. she has brown, straight, shoulder length hair, big brown eyes and a child's body. about 7 years old. she is sleepwalking. standing at the foot of her parents' brown wood waterbed. i have no memory of this. simply a picture and an explanation - a story i was told that i now repeat. but the face in the picture - it's hers. mine from then. staring blankly off into space.

she doesnt know. she is oblivious to the world. just there. red velvet robe. i remember that robe - its soft texture and the silly way the zipper didnt go all the way to the bottom like a regular robe, you had to step into it. long soft sleeves with ruffles on the shoulders. typical for the early 80's. she is unaware she is to fall in love with a puppy only to lose it. she is unaware of anything. she's sound asleep. yet walking.

i want to holler at her. to scream, to yell, to shake her. wake up! wake up! but she doesnt have a clue. she doesnt know. i am jealous of that deep sleep - walking or not, as i sit here after midnight typing thoughts instead of catching z's. been thinking a lot tonight. mainly how different and separate we are - she and i.

my son is 8 now. just had a birthday - only slightly older then she was - right about there anyway. god, i know the expectations i put on that little girl are outrageous. a dear friend of mine that's also a survivor, talking to her about the same issue in her life, made me realize how much i expected is unreasonable and what a terrible position for someone so young to face...

yeah, i know... am rambling... just using this safe place to vent again. to think.

what do i want from her? i want her not to have endured that. i want the memories of that awful table to be gone - for it not to be real. and so i fight this war. i am so so so so so so so angry with her for surviving, for doing whatever it took to live but never making it stop or getting help. and she returns that anger with child like indignation only a little kid can muster. i left her. i left her there on that table. with the shadow people. or on the bathroom floor at home. i left her. i threw everything on her shoulders and headed out and left her alone to face it. face him. them.

we both want one another dead. got me a trip to the hospital last week. yep. psych ward. no - not kidding. turned out a lot of the problem was my meds. they changed them up 'cause i had a bad mix. but still - even now, her weakness still is costing me time, energy, help and hope. i cant feel anything good for her because all i see when i look at her is a mousey, quiet, weak little girl who complied without question and never stopped it.

god, it was awful. so so much to go thru. i know the next step in the journey is accepting her. just have no clue how. i see with my logical head it was him but when it all comes down to it, i still hold her accountable.

how could she possibly have allowed it?

ugh. i hate her.

what a difference

been a while since i posted. been battling hard. wont' lie - the suicidal and self harming urges kind of kicked my butt for a while. was sinking down and sinking fast. friday a week ago, i finally got the courage to tell my therapist how bad it was getting. but she didnt understand, i dont think, because i didnt get the help i needed from her. i left her office very frustrated and went straight to the store to buy me another blade (i had given the first one away to a friend because i didnt feel safe from myself after i told so much in therapy the week before). anyway, intent was to use it to express the extreme levels of emotions i had going on because i was just flat out overwhelmed. did NOT use it tho. :-)

battled HARD HARD HARD all weekend. talked to friends. prayed. slept. anything i could think of to keep safe. managed, but still was hurting super super bad. was like being sucked down into quicksand. the harder i tried to get free, the worse it got. by tuesday it was so bad i found myself formulating a plan to end it all. just couldnt see or think straight i hurt so badly. so i finally told my husband and a couple of close friends. ended up going into the psych hospital on suicide watch. this was a HUGE step for me because i was deathly afraid of those places. kinda seems silly typing it, but it was real and terrifying to me. was believing what my abusers said - if i ever told i'd get locked away in a hospital where awful things happen and where bad people have all the control. to me, going to the psych hospital was equivalent to walking back into the abuse.

but, praise God, it wasnt true. they took good care of me there. i told them how afraid i was. i told them how desperately i needed help. God gave me the courage to tell them straight up how much i hurt and what all i was going through. turns out that what was happening wasn't what i thought. turns out that i had a bad mix of medicines and that THAT was what was causing so much of the problems i was dealing with. so they took me off the one med that was causing so much of this and put me on a different one that still had the effect i needed but also worked to combat the spiral i was dealing with.

feel so much myself again. have slept through the night three nights in a row now. the world is no longer spinning out of control in my heart or screaming so loudly in my ears. i can breathe again. and best of all, i feel more myself then i have in ages. have only had a few of flashbacks since i started it on Wednesday (before, i was having them up to 3 or 4 in an hour). have had zero nightmares and also no panic attacks. is incredible the difference.

the best part? i am me again. i can think clearly. i can feel the good things again. i can be myself and not be crushed by all of the pain so much. yeah, i still have a lot to deal with, and i will continue to push on. but its just so so good to not feel like its all taking over anymore. watched a movie with my kids and didnt' black out once. am typing this post and havent lost concentration or needed to break down and cry... just amazing the difference. AND... turns out people don't hate or judge me for feeling so badly. those who know are so so supportive.

so - have faced a huge phobia due to the lies i was told, and won. have gotten the help i needed so much. have put husband on the same page as far as what am going thru. and have found my old self again. even praying is easier. hope abounds.

so praise God! He is so so faithful!

just wanted to update everyone. love to you all and thank you so much for your prayers.

the sad

i lack the word to describe the emotion in my heart
"tell how you feel, in one word" cant be done tonight

the sad is descending again.
like a heavy lead blanket
weighing me down
making it hard to move or think

how can my daddy hate me like he did
why could i not earn his love
what makes an infant deserve to be banished
or a child worth betraying

why do people not understand
"shake it off," they say,
"change your thoughts"
"busy your hands"

...nothing works
still the sad is pressing
pushing
weighing
crushing my heart
making even breathing difficult

sad is such a puny word
seems so small and simple
this is so much more than that
but i lack the word to say

and so i sit
alone
hiding
wishing for a 3D friend
someone - just one
that would really understand
and listen
and know
and hold me while i cry
while i try to release just a few of these tears
that erupt from my soul every time i turn around
that betray me when i say "i'm fine"
to those who insist i pretend

even if i had that friend, though
with arms that hold me tight
i dont know that even that
could change it
or make it go away

it's just become a part of me
a terrible part i cant name
and don't want
and yet its there
so i just call it
the sad
:(

wow

so - been a ridiculously hard week. here's what's new... had a failure in the si (self injury) department on monday. took a lot out on me and pretty badly - enough to not be able to hide. made seeing the dr on thursday even more scary as she was previously unaware of the si and was very afraid of the consequences for that even beyond the fear of the ordeal of the point of the double appointment as well. was a blubbering mess. shaking and crying and such so badly that she just did the procedure necessary quickly to help me get past it and calm down. was so upset that it inadvertently served as a distraction and she never even noticed the cuts, scabs scrapes, scars and bloody places or if she did she didnt say anything. in the discussion of meds (which she had no trouble adjusting - the need was obvious), she had to ask the obligatory questions, which include if i am having thoughts of harming myself. i managed to be brave and tell her about the si. certainly not in any detail that might get me locked away, but at least i was able to say so now i dont have to hide it from her and i can have more accountability and help to overcome this. truly, that is the goal. anyway. have followup appointments to check both on the medications and the cysts. so will be looked after, but for now am just way way glad that's done.

yesterday was therapy. and yes, am a glutton for punishment. went there too. as i told y'all, last week i confronted my counselor about a need for a new direction. she responded so well. i showed up with my homework (a list of things i felt needed to be covered) and she kept her end of the deal and immediately got to the point when i came in, letting me take the lead yet still helping me deal with what i had to say in a somewhat saner manner. somehow overcoming the dr thing thursday made me feel more empowered and i got a boost of courage and followed thru on what i needed to say. that is - finally beginning to reveal the darkest parts of my story. told her things i've never told another soul... certainly by no means have it all on the table, but got a lot more out there then i thought i could ever accomplish, and did it in such a short amount of time. just opened my mouth and suddenly so much came pouring out of me...

am kind of in a state of shock now. her response was very different then i anticipated. good, but still different. first off, she didnt call me a liar, run screaming from the room or call the men in the white coats to lock me away. irrational, i know, as its her job NOT to do those things, but it's a phobia i have, so it was a huge relief to see not happen. more importantly tho, she listened. she asked relevant questions. she validated my feelings and experiences. and where i had bits and pieces that made no sense at all, she helped me come to understand how such terrible things could come to be. the one thing i was not prepared for tho, was the label she attached to it all, and that she had suspected that what happened to me might fit such a label before i ever opened my mouth. i hesitate to say it, because it hurts my heart so unbearably to admit... but the point is to face and heal so, i guess it's finally time to say it...

i am a survivor of sadistic ritual abuse.

and it hurts. dear Jesus, it hurts. but i am determined not to let them win. so much so that, in order to avoid punishing myself for telling, i had friends stay with me when i was home alone last night and way tempted to do something stupid. and i gave them my blade so i cant use it again. and i've promised myself i am not going to go out and aquire another. its time for the cycle to end. i am getting help. it hurts like crazy - but it hurts even when i hide - so i might as well make progress.

alright. so that's what i wanted to say. going back to bed now. i am wiped out.

soooooooooooo tired......

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.

tired of the nightmares. tired of the flashbacks. tired of fighting battles. tired of having to pretend to be "fine" for the world in general - but even more so for my church. just tired of all of it.

doctors appointment to get meds adjusted thursday but have to deal with an ordeal in order to afford it. feels like everything in the world i do has to be hard.

tired of people seeing me as one big bummer pity party person. i know i'm no fun to be with - heck, i don't want to be with me! - but PLEASE WORLD! i am SO not living this nightmare ON PURPOSE!

there IS one piece of good news. finally got to desperation point, and with the help of a very good friend, managed to tell my therapist what she needed to know to get us both on the same page. so we are starting a new direction in counseling on friday. i know its going to be really hard still, but at least we'll be on the same page and working in a way that meets my needs better.

anyway, guess i just wanted to whine a bit about feeling so isolated at church and so frustrated with the whole "gotta pretend to be fine" game i feel so forced into. bad enough to battle the constant flashback memories and horrific nightmares and exhaustion and depression, but to have to look "fine" when i feel this way? it is just more than i can tolerate right now. :(

trying to cope...

having even more trouble coping. losing it to the point people are making comments about it. even acquaintences. so...finally managed to tell my counselor. her advice has been to get up out of the bed and push myself to function regardless of how i feel and also to see my doctor about an adjustment in my medications. sounds so simple. not so simple to live. have spent the last four days giving the advice my all - have run my little heart out the last four days. keeping commitments, doing chores, being social, all the things i did when i was well. but no. nothing. no change. if anything, at the end of the day i am having LESS hope and LESS ability to cope - feeling WORSE. takes tremendous amounts of energy to act fine when you truly aren't. urges to hurt myself growing stronger with the downward spiral. still fighting but wont' lie - it's harder every day. just dont know how much strength i have left. soonest i can get in to see my dr is a week from thursday so ive got to keep up some semblance of hope "as is" till then - they will not adjust meds over the phone.

anyway, this is where i am. losing my grip. clinging to the rope with all the strength i have left but am down to the knot. crying out for mercy. could really use some help.

sorry

ok, so have decided not to delete this blog. am currently in the midst of some seriously heavy stuff, and was tired of whining, and feeling very much that what i need to vent is not ok to vent here. but i do still need the prayer covering. more than ever. so. gonna just give y'all periodic updates, for now.

sorry for the craziness.

why bother?

considering deleting this blog.

pain just continues forever. progress is made only to slip back. things get better only to get worse.

writing is not happening because of a problem with my extended family.

just not seeing the point anymore.

appreciate the prayers, everyone, but maybe they'd be better used on someone who actually is going to get better.

i'm so sorry.

just stopping in

just stopping in to thank y'all for praying. survived the anniversary day.

exhausted so much and feeling like i just survived a war, but still here.

will post more when i get my breath back, for now i'm just holding on to the shore and being glad not to be drowning.

thanks again to all of you for praying. so much. i mean it.

(crying)

ok so i brought yesterday's post to therapy yesterday. been three weeks since my last appointment due to the flu. felt unable really to speak because of all the emotion, so i just printed and brought it to her.

now reeling. here's her reaction:

she said, based on what she knows of my story and such and my descriptions of my dad, that she (a phd in pyschology) believes that my father was a sociopath on the same level as the man who held jaycee dugard captive all those years. she said that she's glad to finally see me stop pulling punches and trying to protect him and really seeing things as they were. she expressed how proud she was of me for the conclusions i've reached and has just encouraged me to spend the next week reinforcing those realizations.

i left my appointment empowered and feeling strong. enjoyed almost a whole day of good stuff before her comments sunk in.

a sociopath on the same level as the man who hurt that little girl for 18 years. i don't watch the news so i googled her story. spent the next several hours and half of today sobbing my heart out. how could my daddy be that bad?

it HURTS!

but she's right. this man took that little girl and kept her captive and did awful things and fooled the world. held orgies. had men lined up to take turns with her. no, my dad didn't steal me - i was his to begin with. but he DID keep me under his violent thumb. he did bind and harm me. i had no tent compound but i had a table in the woods. and he did have friends and they did take turns. he met every diagnostic criteria for sociopath - self centered, lacking empathy or self control, obsessed with causing fear and pain, hurting animals and putting on a face to the world that was very different than the one behind closed doors. wow.

and she's got such a point. why was he enabled to hold her for eighteen years? because people just can't fathom that these things happen under our noses - that these things exist. why would they not think to look for the compound? because who fathoms that such places exist in our neighbors backyards?! so where is the hope for kids who live through that - things like this happen a lot more often than we think or want to believe.

and for the reporters? i know why she never cried out for help. why she didn't try to escape. why she bonded and became loyal to her captors. when you are entrenched in a way of life that includes extreme torture and fear and awful horrible things that the world doesn't believe are true, it's very easy to be convinced that YOU are the crazy one and that really things are "normal" and you have no room to complain. and that if you do, you'll pay DEARLY. to the point that a spirit is broken and you cease to even try because it's been proven it's pointless. and when they twist the world to make it seem like you really are the bad one and they are the hero - and you are forced to serve in order to survive, yeah, pleasure will naturally come from when those people view you positively. after years and years, it's difficult to distinguish that from love. i loved my dad. even to the point of literally offering my life to save his face. and no - i never dared say a word - no matter HOW bad it got.

amazed to consider that i fit in this category. broken. crushed. shocked.

next week friday is the anniversary of the worst of the worst and also of his suicide. i don't know what to feel. i want to hate him. but right now all i feel is grief for the loss of the hope that i will ever have something positive to think about my dad. i wanted a daddy. all i wanted was a daddy. i know i'm 36, but i still have that hole left behind. i lost my dad. i lost hope of ever having one. i deal with guilt because on the one hand, his death was a relief for me, but on the other hand, he was still my dad. who in their right mind can rejoice that another suffers? especially death at their own hands? and then there's the blame game. suicide makes things so much more complicated. and letters left behind leave so many messed up twisted questions. what do you do when so many opposing emotions run so strong all at the same time?

i'm still fighting. i'm still working. i'm still pushing. i won't give up.

at the same time, i'm so tired. and all of this is so unbelievably difficult.

IT HURTS.

Defeating the Why's (long!!!)

MAJOR WARNING!!! (uncensored processing of really hard stuff!!!)

ok - so until now, my healing journey has been drowning in the why's.... why was i ever born. why did my daddy never protect me. why was he instead the one i needed protection from. why did he do those awful things. why did his friends not only approve but participate. why did my mom never protect me. why did she never take the time to see the pain i was in. why did things get progressively worse on such a huge scale. why did everyone hate me. why didn't he kill me. why didn't i kill me. why does life have to hurt so bad. why can't i get free. why do i continue to live under his orders. why can't i shake this. and why do people bother to care about me if i'm such scum... why, why, why, why, why... too many why's...

this week, in the midst of all of the flashbacks, i had an awful glimpse into how he saw me. how sick my father really was. how he was so stuck in his own sexual addictions and perversions and need for dominating control that i was not a person in his eyes. for just a moment, i saw the situation from his point of view. he was trying to be all powerful. and proving that power by degrading and controlling me. i was not his daughter. i was not even a child to him. i was his animal – a dog. his scapegoat. his proof of his power. nothing more. his motivations were not because of hatred or even revenge on me - simply domination, degradation and control. his anger was not because of my misbehavior. and no amount of love or obedience or apologies could ever have satisfied him. what he wanted was total and complete control of my life - even down to my bodily functions. what he wanted was to raise and own his own single minded robotic slave. what he wanted was for me to play out his fantasies and cease to exist for anything else. it had nothing at all to do with me. only his own self-centered, sadistic addictions. and really - even if i had figured out how to be his perfect slave - i don't know that even then he would have been satisfied - it probably would only have made his thirst for power and pain larger. realizing this...it was devastating. i don't know if i've ever felt that low - that awful - that... that... degraded... humiliated... even when i was living it. because although i lived it then, i didn't fully understand the implications of it. seeing it for what it really was... there just aren't words for the emotions swirling through me.... HE WAS MY FATHER!!! MY OWN DADDY!!! truly. it started when i was maybe 4?! dear God!!!

while coming out of the shock of it, i had a second glimpse. this time into my own heart. and i've realized some things i never considered before. as i've pondered them, and allowed them to sink in, i was thinking that maybe they might cement better if i shared them. so here goes:

after all this hit, when i got my breath back, all i wanted to do was hide in the closet in my head. no human contact. no kind words. no positive reminders. no hugs or sympathy. i wanted no niceness at all. it almost hurt more to hear expressions of love then it did to sit with the pain. and now i understand why.

all this time, i've never let anyone in because i have been afraid that if anyone REALLY knew the real me that they would truly be repulsed and run away in sickness and hatred or if they stayed it would only be to cause pain because that was all i deserved. because truly underneath, i believed that. i see that i've kind of held in my mind two identities - the one i show the world of this kind person who cares and obeys and always tries to do the right thing, and the one i feel inside of who my daddy made me. and i've believed that the real me is who he said i was. and that after all he did, and all he made me do, that it was cemented in stone and that's that. that no matter how much i was good on the outside, it would never overcome the filth on the inside. that i would never cease to be what he made me - what he called me... a rotten, filthy, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless b****.

i am beginning to realize now that it's not true. that i am not what he said. that all that he said and did and made me do and say and believe... all THAT was the lie. his lie. i was not his slave, not his prostitute, not his property. i was not, nor am i now, an animal... a dog. i am a human being. i was a child. i had no choices in what my life was like then. nothing was within my power to change. and try as i might, there was no way i could have defeated him in the ways that i've been trying. BUT! i DID defeat him. part of the reason he was always so mad was because i didn't behave like his little sex slave. much as he tried to program me to obey without question, and even when i did those things, it was NOT a definition of who i was. i could not have satisfied his needs because i was not able to think or conceive of his sexual or sadistic fantasies. i was so little. it just was not in me. I WAS A CHILD! I AM A HUMAN BEING! HE CANNOT OWN ME!!! much as i did not have choices then, i cannot be defined by the choices that were made for me. i am reading and re-reading this as i write it because i know i have to get this into my head - i know if i can understand this - really believe this - really know this is true - if i can do that, then i can beat him. i can quit being his victim and become my own person - a survivor. i can define for myself who i really am. i like that. i never imagined that i would be allowed that option. free to be who God intended and clean and whole and accepted as such – washed of the filth and horror.

here is the picture in my head that is helping me to win back this perspective:

if i were driving down the road and someone jumped in and hijacked my car and forced me to drive them to the bank, this would not make me a chauffer - even if i participated in the act. if that person took me inside and forced me to hold up the bank, it would not make me a bank robber. not the bankers, nor the customers, nor even the courts would hold me liable as my life was at stake and i was no longer in control. being a child forced into the things i was does not make me liable to the labels for them either. although i was drugged, i do not label myself a user of drugs. neither should i allow myself to accept the other labels forced upon me. they are not who i am. and i did not chose them for myself. and i do not assume those labels with my actions now, either. if i choose, as an adult, to allow myself to enjoy my husband, this does not prove or reinforce any of the things either - just as if the scenario above was true about the robbery - if i go into that same bank withdrawing my own funds from my account there, even with a man at my side, i am still not a bank robber - just because the two acts have things remotely in common, does not make them the same. i need to get this into my head.

i declare this day my independence from the world of why's and of labels and of shame. i finally see his why's for the sick excuses they really were. and my why's for the painful responses that they are. and choose this day to take back this ground - my identity - as my own. i realize that i am in the midst of a war to establish this, but i choose to wage it. i choose to allow myself to be worth the fight. i choose to believe these new realizations - that i CAN be a real person and that I AM NOT what i was labeled so long ago.

even though this is the middle of the worst month of the year for me, my new life starts TODAY!!! I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH MY FATHER'S GARBAGE ANY LONGER!!!

i am Angie a real live person. and i will allow myself to be loved. and to give love. and to feel it. from my husband. from my children. from my confidant's. and eventually, from others later as i choose to let them in.

i hope this helps in the long term as much as it's helped me to put it into words.

looking at the world through newly human eyes,
Ang

i hate this month

alright, for the record, this is the worst month of the year for me. this is the time when things were worst - this is the time of so many painful anniversaries - and i am struggling hard again.

so. for the record, i'm renaming this month. i'm no longer calling it S*****ber, it is now "Nine". It's a socially acceptable alternative. People call things by date numerically all the time. so this is now the month of nine. and that's given me the strength to get thru the first three days. yeah. twenty seven to go.

prayers appreciated. and patience if i don't write a lot. or if i whine more. or whatever it takes to get thru. especially as the eighteenth draws nearer. the whole month is bad, but that one is the worst. anniversary both of the last rape and of my father's suicide.

just really feeling the loss right now. and going through some things i just don't know how to put into words.

sorry. :-(

:-)

learning more and more and getting stronger and stronger...

self-harming urges still up and down but am now on two days without major problems.
talked again today.

AND!!!!!!

NO FLASHBACKS TODAY!!!!!!!!!! NOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHOO!!!

(doing a little dance and grinning so big)

things beginning to make sense!!!

still here. so sorry. battling like crazy. but finally seeing real progress.

things finally starting to make sense. and the voices in my head are losing their power. and because of that i'm beginning to see me gaining mine. don't feel quite comfortable telling details of my story here - just too graphic - but needless to say that i'm beginning to understand more and more - things are making sense. and in my support group, i broke my silence today. just a piece, but it's a start.

also, my self harming urges are backing off, as i'm realizing just how small and powerless i really was - am forgiving that little girl and learning to have mercy on her and be gentle with myself.

just wanted to let y'all know. Praise God! we may just do this yet!

Made A Decision

Have been in hiding. Have spent the last few days praying and pondering over things, seeking God for clarity and progress. Just HAD to do SOMETHING... had bad reaction to sleeping medicines that have had me having seizures as of late and the idea of fighting without sleep sent me into desperation mode at God's feet.

Made a decision. Basically, if i'm going to be miserable anyway, i'm going to go down fighting. enough is enough. it's time. realized that all of the things going thru my head over and over - the messages pounded into me over the years - none of it is doing me any good at all and running in fear of it isn't either. i have to get free.

until now, i realize i've still been running from it - yes, letting a select few people know about my pain - but still running from it. my mantra, so to speak, has been "how in the world do i live with this..." this changes now. now, i fight back. i stop running. i stop hiding behind my pain. i stop hiding, period. how in the world do i live with this? i don't know. i have absolutely no idea. but it's time to try.

praying now over a battle plan, as i KNOW this is going to be a battle. began with being honest with my therapist today about some things i'd been very afraid to say. and also with my dr, since i had to see her about the seizures anyway. together, God is directing the three of us about how to win this battle. but battle i will.

i have made a decision. i will no longer hide. it's time to fight. i WILL be free!

Sad, Scared, Confused

I am battling so many emotions right now. In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, a very, very dear friend of mine that shares a similar background to mine was found again by her dad and attacked pretty severely. I encouraged her to go to the police (this would be the first time she's done so) and she did. So now it's been almost 18 hours since I've heard from her and it's getting really hard to think that she's okay. I know logically they've probably got her in some kind of shelter so she can't communicate (to keep her safe) but it's so hard to not know.

I'm holding on and being strong. Another dear friend, was so smart, she knows that weekends are hard on me, told me to write myself a note after Friday's therapy session to remind me to hold on and be strong. I'm holding on to that and reading it and doing my best. She's right, it IS helping, but it's still so hard.

If any of you think to pray for her, please do. There are two little girls and one young lady at risk here - pray God keeps them safe please.

Thanks,
me

Praise God for progress!

last night i told a friend. the worst details. the newest memories. i told her and she loved me anyway. i finally let it be true - including the most horrible parts. and i discovered what i never thought possible... i discovered that it IS possible to let it (the event) be true AND still combat it (the lies)... just have to separate them from each other and have courage enough to look at it long enough to do so. so grateful my friend helped me and loved me through it... truly was worried i'd lose her telling her what i did. amazed me when i didn't.

anyway, an even more amazing thing happened after i did that. i actually SLEPT. i've been having nightmares for months - and terribly awful ones for weeks. i finally escaped in my dream and got away from the people hurting me. i lit the house (in the dream, not for real) on fire that they were in and i ran far far far away. far enough away to find the safe place where the other kids were playing. the place where no bad guys can go. and little me actually smiled. they invited her to play. and although she was awkward in how to do that exactly, she felt safe enough to join in.

and today i finally feel better. it's like the war in my heart is quiet. i'm so glad. and i had to share it with you. Praise God!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, thanks for listening and praying. Praise God for progress!

So Confused...

i am so confused. so so confused. i hate little me. i hate her and blame her for everything. she's the only one i've ever been allowed to be mad at so all my anger goes there and i'm VERY VERY VERY angry. pardon me for not being pretty about this but i've got to figure this through so i'm just going to let it all spill out so i can sort it out.

i hate her. i wish she'd never been born. she was stupid. stupid and weak. if she'd fought him harder. or resisted him more. or been able to go away in her head better. if she'd not succumbed to his tactics. something... something... none of this pain would be if it weren't because she was too whatever to make it go away.

don't even start with me on the "none of this was her fault" bologna either. i've heard the arguments - he was bigger, he was stronger, he would have killed her if she'd done those things... don't you think i know that? that was life and death! she had the gall to be born, why didn't she have the gall to end it? it WAS to the death, but she caved. and now this pain is killing me and it's all her fault. if she'd fought him, he would have killed her - good - end of pain. if she'd dissociated better, i'd be still buried - good - end of pain. if she'd not succumbed to his tactics and believed his lies, i'd have the strength i need to finish this and heal. every time i hurt, it's because she did it wrong. i hate her.

but then you get the arguement - she had no choice. she was so small. she did the best she could with what she knew. that hurts. it's true. it really was. but until now i had her locked in that closet all safe and tucked away - they couldn't hurt me any more. she demands to get out - to be part of me... that's not fair. i'm an adult now - don't i get a choice?! do you think i WANT to live with those labels? to live with that past? PEOPLE!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but then...if i keep her locked in that closet... i'm doing the same thing my mother did. denial. her idea of healing is closing the door - locking it like a gazillion times - barracading it - bricking over the barracades. sheetrocking the brick. painting over it. putting furniture in front of it. pretending it never existed and calling that healed. dear God, that's exactly what i've been doing... this is NOT healed... not even close.

so what am i supposed to do? "face it" they say. "face it in all it's awfulness and accept it for what it was and move on"... so stinking easy to say. feels so impossible to do. because if i face it i have to live with it. forever. have to live with those labels i never wanted.
I CANNOT BE WHAT HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NOT BE WHAT HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's so much pain. so much awfulness. so many horrible things that i don't want to be a part of me. things i don't know how to live with that happened. and that little girl... little me... she was made to believe all that. to behave based on all that. to... no no no no no no no no no... it's like asking me to jump off a cliff... nobody seems to understand the consequences. everyone thinks this is just a little hop...that i'm being so stubborn because it's like 3 feet down.
IT'S MORE LIKE THREE MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't know how to do this.

if i accept her, i accept him and all that he was. all that he did. all that he said. all that he forced her to be. and i accept this world as a place to be utterly alone - a place where there's really no rescue and bad people can do whatever they want - a place where even mommies look the other way - a place where "free will" means no one is safe... not even the kids i minister too... not even my own children. this is like a mini multiple personality thing. as long as i hate her and keep her at arms length, i continue to hold some semblance of control - it all happened to HER. the minute i allow her to be me - it happened to me, too. who in their right mind volunteers for THAT?! i am so sick of trying to explain to people the enormity of that. i just dont know how to explain it in a way people understand without using the words that say it all... this is MY blog... maybe i will...

or maybe i won't. saying it only makes it real. makes it hurt more. makes it harder to run from. harder to hide from. harder to figure out.

i'm so confused...

NEED PRAYER!!!

he doesn't go away. he never goes away. it just keeps getting harder. i know it sounds crazy but i swear he's trying to kill me.

had a long talk with my therapist and with a couple of very trusted friends... everyone said the same thing. this is not a battle with my father. yes, the memories exist. yes, the abuse was horrendous. but he is dead. he cannot come back and "haunt" - this is flat out a spiritual battle. and i can't fight it alone. something big must be at stake because there are no stops pulled here...

i won't lie - the nightmares and flashbacks are the worst i've ever had. i'm truly unsure that i'm up for this task. at the same time, i'm so thankful that i have promises to stand on - God says that He is faithful to complete the work he started, that all things work for good to those He calls, and that His calling is without repentance... so I'm calling out and hanging on and calling in the troops for support. Please, everyone, please pray hard right now?

last night, during one of the really, really bad nightmares... i managed to squeak in a word - just one - Jesus. He stopped the dream. But left me with a realization of how bad it was - what my father did - a reality check. And a breaking heart for what happened. i'm exhausted. i'm confused. i'm battling to the death. but i'm not giving up. please hang with me, ok? this has to end eventually, right?

a letter of venting

from little ang... (yeah, it's both very raw and very long - sorry - had a lot i needed to say)

daddy

GO AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GO AWAY!!!

i'm so tired, daddy. i'm so tired of living in this closet. i wish you would go away and leave me alone. i'm so so so so tired... i hate that you make me hide in this closet. i hate that you torture me day and night. i hate that you sneak up on me every time things are good. i hate that you won't let me rest. i'm exhausted. please... please leave me alone, daddy. please? please go away?

i did everything to please you daddy. i made you the center of my world to earn your love. i did anything and everything for you. things a little girl should never have to do. i even tried to DIE for you, daddy. it's time to let me go. i can't please you. i can't do it. i just don't have it left in me... i can't be your slave anymore. please, please, please... let me be free.

you hurt me. you hurt me real bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you hurt me really bad… you’re a very mean daddy. a mean daddy that makes me feel sick. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. it makes me feel yucky and bad.

you never let me say no. NO! NO! NO! i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? i want to cry out loud - to scream - to be allowed to show this pain - it hurts and i am so afraid… i am so so so afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i wish you would go away and leave me alone...

you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m bad. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. i’m so so so so sorry – i promise i’m really, really sorry… all i want to do is be good. i’m trying – i’m trying so hard! but i don’t know what i’m supposed to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make anybody mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i just don’t know how…

daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that even in your dying words, you lied. that i am not a bad girl. that you are not dead because of me. i get so confused. i want to be good. i don't want to believe you anymore. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i wanted to please the most. but you lied to me, daddy! now i just want you to go away!

i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so the people won’t see my tears. so they won’t see my fear. so they will love me. so i can be good… i’m trying SO HARD to be good… but nothing makes sense. it never makes sense. i don’t understand… i can’t make it work – i try so hard – i promise I do… i want to be good, i really do!!!

why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because you proved I’m stupid? you LIE – i’m NOT stupid – you MADE me do those things… you are so MEAN… you gave me no choice and you called me stupid for it!!! do you smile because i’m finally sorry enough? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i ever wanted to do was make you happy… it’s NOT FAIR!!! IT’S SO NOT FAIR!!!! my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to go away? because i wish you were dead in my head like you are for real? you broke me, daddy! you broke my heart and my will and just plain ME and it wasn’t fair!!!! not even close to fair… you are a mean, mean man…

i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don't know how...i don't know how... nobody tells me how! i don't know how to get free. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to make my owies heal... how to make you go away and leave me alone. i’m afraid to come out. i am afraid to let people see me - i'm afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid they'll hurt me too. that they’ll hate me too. that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love who i really am because i can’t do anything right, ever. what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust? i'm so scared... i’m so so so so scared.

i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…please. please, i need you to go away from me, daddy. please go away and leave me alone, daddy. please. please, i want to be free. i can't ever get free if you keep me trapped in here. please, daddy, please - please leave me alone. please go away!

i’m mad with you, daddy. i am SO, SO mad. in my head I have bad thoughts. i wish i could do bad things to you too, sometimes. i am trying so hard to forgive but being trapped like this makes me really, really mad. i don’t want to be like you, daddy. i don’t want to fall into your trap and be a mad monster like you. i try to make this mad go away. it scares me like crazy. but I’m very mad at you. what you did was not fair… NOT FAIR!!!

(she curls up tiny in her closet behind the boxes, and blankets, and clothes – crying hard, silently screaming and desperately trying to swallow the pain and the mad and make it stop… that’s all she can say for now...)

A Weird Blog

Okay, this is a blog that has nothing to do with anything. Simply a funny blog to make a good friend of mine smile on a special day.

So, in honor of my friend, I challenge everyone to go outside and smell the roses or dance in the rain or howl at the moon. Better yet, go play practical jokes...

Dear one, in your honor, a practical joke has been played on my husband. While he was waking up from surgery and heavily on pain meds last week, i treated him to a pedicure...complete with bright red toenail polish. His toes are quite pretty.

Love ya! Hope you like your special treat! (grin)

Not a good candidate for therapy?

okay, so i've been with this new counselor for about 3 weeks and she told me today that she thought i was not a good candidate for therapy. she said that she thinks i prefer to do things alone since i'm so hesitant to open up and because i freaked out about two weeks ago over something she said and went to someone else and followed their advice instead. it wasn't another therapist - it was my pastor. her comments had set off a major trigger and i was struggling with her advice so badly that i got myself into a major crisis... scary... but i was too afraid of the consequences that she could make happen if i told her so i never told her why... anyway, she still doesn't know and now i fear i've gotten myself into a situation i don't know how to make it out of... when she said that, i started crying really hard. i tried to stop myself but it just took over. i begged her not to give up on me and she looked at me like i was misunderstanding her again... i don't know what it is that she wants from me. i promised her that i'd do whatever she said if she would just not quit seeing me. she said she had no intention of quitting seeing me but that she wanted me to have more insight into my own self so i can work toward healing and not keep up all these walls that keep people out... seems to me a very cruel way to point out my shortcomings... i'm trying very, very hard not to wear my feelings on my shoulder but i'm being very vulnerable with this woman, i think it's fair to assume she can hurt me pretty easily? as far as not opening up, although verbally i've not been able to be real revealing, i have given her a written copy of my story that only one other person on the planet has even an idea it exists... this is huge for me...

i dunno. maybe i'm just stupid and immature and don't really understand how this counseling thing works...

and then she also repeated somehting i've also heard from countless non-survivor friends recently... that all of this pain, all of these feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, all of the flashbacks, nightmares, everything - that all of it is in my head and if i'd just figure out that i hold the power over it and decide to excercise that power (like Dorothy clicking her heels to leave Oz) that i'd be free and life could be good again.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN? I DON'T CHOOSE THIS AS A LIFESTYLE FOR KICKS! I WISH MORE THAN ALL OF THEM COMBINED THAT I COULD BE FREE!!!!! DON'T THEY REALIZE THAT?!

Why does the world think i'm stupid and stubborn? Am i really? If so, how come i can't figure this out? Is this really all there is... it's just up to me to figure it out on my own? If so, what's the point in therapy to begin with - just to jerk us around and give us false hope? just to talk us out of all the awful things that go thru our heads until we knock sense into ourselves? i wish i had a way to understand. am i doing this wrong? am i stupid? i am soooooooooooo confused....

if she was trying to provoke me, it worked. but i have no clue what i'm supposed to do. i already know that i'm a failure as a person, that i can't figure things out the way i should and that i don't interact with people the way i should. i already know that i don't measure up and that i can't do stuff right. why does everyone have to keep pointing it out? am i really that worthless?

not a good candidate for therapy. golly!!! .... didn't realize i had to be perfect for that too...

Progress

Okay - so I prayed hard over all the advice I was given regarding forgiveness... my decision at the end is to continue to take all of my issues and lay them down at God's feet as many times as it takes. Regarding the whole idea of asking God to have mercy on my father... well, I decided to lay that down at His feet too. Being completely honest with God, I wept and cried and told Him that this is something that I know I fall short in and that I totally do NOT want to be displeasing to Him. I asked Him, since I am not sure that He requires that of me to please have His will be done. I figure: 1 - if He does require that, He'll work on my heart and get me there. 2 - same thought, if this IS a requirement, then being willing to leave it in His hands is a good first step. 3 - if it's NOT a requirement, it's certainly NEVER bad to put things in His hands and let it go into His will. and 4 - if He doesn't, then simply having been willing to submit will be pleasing to Him.

Putting feet to that, I prayed over meeting with my mother and had a very good conversation in which the Lord allowed me to pour out my heart and to listen to hers. we do still both stand with very different viewpoints but i feel better having been able to express my heart and hear hers and have some reconciliation. we still disagree but we do so peacefully and i believe that is tremendous progress. until now, i never in a million years would have been that brave to meet with her and say the things that i needed to say, and i truly don't believe she would have been nearly so accepting of that either, so it's definitely a God thing. Praise God.

Today where do i stand? well, am still battling hard. Wont' lie, spent about three hours at a park this week contemplating suicide. God gave me a good friend who was willing to just listen and pray until i felt better and God intervened and brought peace and strength to keep going. i did not come out unscathed, i cut about a four inch slice into my left arm, which, yes, i am answering for. i am still struggling deeply. But God is bigger and i'm just taking things one minute at a time. it's taking a lot more medication and prayer to keep me stable, but i am still holding on. For now, i think that's really all i can expect.

Appreciate everyone's prayers. I'm sorry for not updating this blog more often, but truly, i've spent so much time in battle that it's kind of taken the back burner for the time being so that i can focus on getting myself to a place where i can breathe again... not to mention all of the preparation work for my husband's gall bladder surgery the day after tomorrow... so please forgive me for being a bit absentminded for the time being....

Exhausted, but hanging on as tight as i can,
AngieSue

Questions of the day

okay - been a while since i posted. Quick update. DID give my story to my new counselor. DID live through it and not tear myself into too many pieces before and after. And she DID NOT freak... in fact she barely reacted... that was weird. Also survived the crazy saga with my folks for those of you who know what was happening regarding their new living arrangements - we've come to a compromise that's liveable so... life goes on... :-(

So today's Questions of the day...

My friends at church have taken it upon themselves to pull me aside (i've been having panic attacks at church so it's kind of hard to hide i'm going through stuff...) and pray over me. I appreciate the concern (even if it is embarrassing) and the love but am unsure what to do with the advice... they are suggesting that this is a forgiveness issue and enemy attacks. i understand about needing to forgive and, to be honest, it's what i've been praying about all weekend regarding my mother and step-father but the way it was worded is a way i've never heard before and i'm not sure i can do... they said that i should do like Jesus on the cross and ask God not to hold their sin against them. This i can do for my mother and also my step-father but for my abusive dad... i'm not sure that it's the right thing... do they know what they ask? not even. is that a Biblical request? i'm not so sure. i understand forgiveness and i understand leaving it in God's hands and completely agree with those and am working that way... but is it not okay to be glad that God is a just God and ask Him to take care of things with my very sick father? does Biblical forgiveness actually require me to go to the extent that i'm required to ask God to let him go scot-free? that just doesn't seem right...

i know my friends mean well. they have no clue the extent or even the nature of my abuse - only that my father was abusive and that i just can't vocalize more... but regardless of that, God's commands are God's commands - I don't believe they are conditional. If it applies to small things it also applies to large things... does He require this of me? If so... HOW?

This isn't even the question i wanted to post. I'm also struggling with their second suggestion - that i need to just stop thinking about this stuff and let life go on... this is absolutely situational and a lot easier to set aside and chalk up to their lack of understanding. they have no clue what a flashback is really like - as evidenced by their advice for how to handle them (just choose not to think about it - go do something else instead. ha! if it were that easy i'd have done it long ago, people!!!!) and they also apparently have never dealt with stuffed emotions either because i know my counselor would NEVER tell me to go back to all my old coping mechanisms of distraction and ignoring of all of it. spiritual warfare? yes. filling my mind with scripture and Godly things? yes. lots of prayer? absolutely. doing things that are productive and help me feel good instead of intentionally causing myself injury to cope? yep. but distraction and pretending that it's all good even when it's not? i don't think so. that's kind of what got me here to begin with...

so here's the other question and i'm not sure it has an answer today: How IS life supposed to go on after all this stuff? How in the world am i supposed to just accept a past like this one and then go back to being who i was before? And if i let it re-define me... wow... what am i supposed to do with this?

So, the recap in a nutshell:
1. forgiveness - am i really supposed to ask God to let him off the hook?

and 2. getting a life - hmmmmmmm - nope, not ready for a nutshell yet, i think this one just has to sit and percolate a little longer...

did it!

went to counseling today with a printed copy of my story (the whole thing)and gave it to her. it ended up being 8 pages long. she said she'd read it over the weekend and then talk with me about it on Monday. I'm very nervous about that, but at the same time so proud that I did it.

wow...

it inspired the little Angie in me to draw a picture of feeling hope. thought I'd share:

Accomplishment

Okay - i have completed a huge hurdle today. finally was able to finish something i've been working on since mid March... have been writing out my story in full. all of it. and then this week my new therapist asked me to try to reframe my perspective around this new information and so, since i was just about finished anyway, i went ahead and took a few hours and did that too...

am completely exhausted and am battling and struggling quite a bit as a result but at the same time - this is a huge accomplishment for me - getting it all out.

so - praise report that it's done. and prayer request for the battle to be free from it that is now ensuing in full force.

one other thing - y'all have ALL been so supportive lately and careful to reply to every post and remind me that i'm going to get thru this and that y'all are praying and stuff... just had to say thank you. i don't know if you're aware how much of a difference that makes. it's huge. thank you.

alright, time to pass out - it's almost 2:30 am...

*hugs*
Ang

Considering...

Okay, so i'm still processing all this info. had counseling again today and really kind of overwhelmed still at all this so we're kind of camping here until i can get past this... my homework still remains the same - try to absorb the information and re-frame my past based on it.

In a nutshell, basically she said that he was a sociopath and that his entire life centered around this plan to satisfy this passion. that i never meant anything more to him than simply being a convenient way to get his next fix... wow. so i asked her today, then that means that everything i did to try to earn his love was all for naught? none of it mattered? she said it mattered between me and God - in that i did my best with what i had - but that no, he was not capable of relating on that level...

this is an awful lot to process. that in all reality, i was nothing more than a puppet in all of it. no love, no hate, no meaning - just a puppet and a puppeteer. the things he said, the things he did, the way life was... all of it simply a setup to get what he wanted. like The Truman Show - the lines and plot designed to get the one unsuspecting character to do as you please and none of it is real...

i'll say it alleviates an awful lot of guilt, seeing it that way. truly, there was absolutely NOTHING i could do to not be in that situation and i can see where he choreographed even my reactions and needs to his liking...

it makes me very, very sad.

but also confused. if this is true, how much of who i am is "programmed" and how much is really ME? it makes me question anything and everything i ever did or thought or anything...

what is my identity? how much of me is really ME?

A Lot to Think About

had counseling again today. the homework (see previous post) was a very difficult thing to do because all of that was in relation to what was bugging me the most, which was the worst part of the abuse that's been flashing over and over... so i had to give her a bit of background in order for her to understand the answers to her questions in that context.

got very, very, very stressed going in expecting her to want to hear a lot of the story and her reaction surprised me. she didn't push for any more details than i wanted to volunteer but she gave ME a lot more information than i expected.

i came in with my own set of questions, as my obsession lately has been to understand it and she was the first one who didn't just blow that off entirely and say "you never will" but sit down and say okay, let's look at this... part of her doctoral studies was a requirement to spend a period of time studying people who perpetrate these types of crimes and how they think and work and such and she actually was able to answer quite a bit of how it worked...

tonight i'm just sitting here floored and trying to process this very different point of view on how life was in my family growing up... so pardon me if i'm quiet for the next couple of days as i have a lot to re-frame... so many of the things i thought i understood i now see in a completely different light and conversely some of the things i thought made no sense at all are now more clear. i am beginning to see things from an outside adult rather than from a child in the midst and it's a huge change of perspective.

wow.

homework

okay - so first paragraph is for my readers: i'm still alive. still here. not in the hospital. told my husband what was happening. he called all around and looked at everything and sought professional advice. in the process we discovered that we knew a psychologist who would be willing to give a professional opinion and we asked her. she said that i am not crazy, have not gone off the deep end, am actually not in need of inpatient care just some better coping skills, new meds and real counseling (my old counselor was a volunteer with some training but nothing formal). so she agreed to see me for free or cheap and get me on track. i am on the new meds, which i am disappointed that they don't work the way i wanted them to, but they ARE helping and she's seeing me every day or two so i can learn to cope. when i get out of crisis we'll back off to less, but for now we both agree that this is better. she's also working with my doctor on the med situation. i go see my dr today to get that adjusted. thank y'all for praying. please don't stop. this is amazingly hard.

the rest of this post was supposed to be for me. to try to do my homework for my new counselor. to sort things out. she wants me to make peace between the adult side of me and the kid side of me. not like a multiple personality thing but more like the adult is the rational, left brained, in charge, out front portion of who i am and the kid is the afraid, abused, hiding in the closet and covering her head, emotional, right brained, behind the scenes part of who i am. they are currently opposing one another and that's part of the issue. i'm supposed to find out what it's going to take to make peace so i can do like the Bible says and love my neighbor as myself because i don't love myself at all. i'm supposed to figure out how to make the adult part more nurturing and how to find out what it is that the kid part needs in order to get un-stuck and have permission to come out of hiding and be okay again.

you know what though? i've been working on this for an hour now. i thought if i brought it to the blog i could tone it down a bit to sort it out and this is just not working one bit. i'm just getting more and more upset and i have to set this aside before i hurt myself again. this is just too much. my head is screaming so loud. i think i need a break. sorry all.

so for now, it's enough that you know that i'm okay but still struggling big time. i'm going to have to find a different outlet for this assignment than simple words because... well i do.

please keep praying all. i really need it.

thanks,
me

what have i done?!

okay - realized what an issue this is. admitted it. told my husband. now things are spiraling around me and i have no idea what is going to happen. we're talking doctors, hospitals, refuge centers... i don't know where they're going to send me or whatever. my mother in law is here taking care of details for two weeks and then she'll take the kids with her when she leaves so that i can have the space i need to recover...

wow. what have i done?! is it really this bad?!

help! please pray! i'm so afraid about what's going to happen!!!!

What is up with that?!

Okay, this blog is about venting and figuring things out and i have intentionally given myself permission to be ME here again - honest - not worrying about what other people think. so here goes. wow.

alright, been struggling with self injuring. not really admitted it much to anybody. not leaving marks unless they look accidental - mostly damaging areas where most people would never see - covered by clothing... except for one really bad mark i left before my surgery but then i (sorry) lied. told people it was a bad scrape... i was too afraid if they knew i did it because of the stress that i'd wake up after surgery in the psych unit... and i just couldn't handle that. have major issues about that. confinement is a major issue for me because of my past... anyway. but it's been more and more of an issue of late. usually just something i do unconciously during the flashbacks - effects of trying to fight them off... but the worst by far are the extra bad days - like yesterday when i cried out on here for help. feeling the need to go to extremes. i will report to you that i DID make it through this time without giving in to it, but that has not always been the case.

anyway, it's weird when it hits. it's like this heavy, lead blanket that comes on me. like physically, tangibly heavy. i can tell you it hit thursday night about 5:30 pm and lifted friday about 7 pm. it's tangible. it's specific. it's very, very heavy. the feeling is beyond hopeless - it's like the word, 'hopeless' is not strong enough to describe it. more like despair. like truly i'm being pulled under and drowned and there is no point in fighting it because i can't get free...ever. it sucks the life right out of me. my husband says i loose the color in my face. i have no strength physically, emotionally, spiritually... none. and i feel this compulsion - this drive that says i am bad beyond bad. worthless. and that nothing matters. and no one cares. and i deserve nothing but pain. and that's all i'm made for. and that healing applies to everyone else but me and that i'm somehow different and no way can i ever heal - i don't deserve to heal. because i'm bad. bad beyond bad. and that all i deserve is death and pain and suffering. and i want to hurt myself. horrible, awful things go through my head - not stuff like take sleeping pills or drive in front of a bus or get ahold of a gun - but bloody, painful, terrible things. like i not only deserve to die but to do it in the most painful, awful way possible. and it's crazy exhausting trying to fight it because i truly feel like there is no way to stop it. i have to go find people to be around because the one guarantee i have is that i will not do it unless i'm alone - so i just choose not to be alone - it's the only guarantee i have that i won't go into some weird flashback mode and do something before i realize i'm doing it... i don't want to do it - i just feel oddly compelled to - like it's impossible not to - it's just weird. and scary. very, very scary.

anyway. wow. i admitted that. i actually admitted that. and i'm going to post it too. wow. but first, i need to keep typing because it's these thoughts that i'm having about all this NOW that i need to process...

people have suggested to me that these periods of intense heaviness are spiritual - like a demonic thing - or physical - like a genetic thing (my father dealt with depression). i wondered for a while if i was going to just go insane and become like my dad. i am, after all, the same age at present that he was when he "snapped" and got really, really violent... but neither of these explanations feel right. like i haven't put my finger on it yet...

i recently joined an abuse survivors support group site - needing to talk to other people that have similar experiences and struggles and discovered some things that i had not expected. number one, my abuse was severe. this is weird for me. i grew up thinking that this was "normal" and i was just a whiner and a bad kid for being so miserable. but what i experienced was FAR from normal - even for survivors of abuse. when i tell pieces of my story, especially the recent pieces i've remembered - the reactions have been that this was tantamount to actual torture, and that this was one sadistic, sick man, my father. and because i was required to behave as though all of it was "normal," this is confusing to me. i see, in my head, his reactions, hear his words, his descriptions, his eerie calm and his terrifying smile and nothing makes sense. his explanations for what was happening are so contrary to what i am trying to understand now... i find i relate most to the people whose stories fall into the ritual abuse category and that my symptoms most closely match theirs rather than those who were abused less severely... this scares me. it scares me a lot. number two, the information that i read on RA (ritual abuse) tell me that those who perpetrate these awful deeds tend to use coercive persuasion/mind control to "program" their subjects to "self-destruct" if these memories come to light... i have no memory of such a thing but at the same time these periods of heaviness - oh so much heavier than the depression i deal with on a regular basis - these walls of hopeless utter despair that hit and the compulsions that come with them... it makes me afraid of what i do not know. what i do not want to know.

in the beginning of healing, i prayed that my memories would come to light. that i would have answers as to why i was the way i was so that i could heal and be free of this pain. but those memories that came back have done the opposite to date - they have made me feel so much more deeply the pain and the loss and the betrayal and the fear and all of the rest that comes with this... i am not only not freed by remembering, i am that much MORE hurting... i find myself wishing that i had never prayed that prayer for God to show me why i was like this. so i in no way am asking God to tell me more. i just wish i knew how to survive it. because whatever it is that is hitting me is stronger than i am... so much stronger... and i DO NOT want to lose the battle. I WANT to heal and live and grow and finally live in victory... i'm just so not sure how to get there...

i'm not entirely sure that the "programming" idea applies to me either. it also doesn't quite fit right. but it's the closest fit yet. because i DID make a connection this weekend thinking and praying over this problem and noticed that every single time that I've dealt with this terribly heavy whatever-this-is, it without fail follows one of two things: either a breakthrough of healing where i've come to remember or understand an abusive event or a time when i've shared a piece of one of those times with someone else. it ALWAYS follows one of those two things... i'm not trying for another label or more sympathy or anything like that. i'm just desperately trying to understand what is happening so that eventually it can be completely defeated and broken and i no longer have to live in fear that i will die at my own hand when no one is looking... i want to beat this. i want to live.

the Bible says that the truth will set us free. I believe God's word is true. and, when not under that blanket of heaviness, i also know that it applies across the board - without exception - to all of us - including me. Please, my prayer partners, please will you pray with me that God will help the truth about what to do about this to come to light so that I can be free? I'm finding myself now shrinking back from doing things to heal because I don't want to set off another episode. This is a stumbling block. This is not a positive thing. This is an obstacle that I need to overcome. Please pray that God will send the wisdom I need to figure this out - whatever that means.

Thank you.

PS - any other ideas you want to share would be great too - if God whispers something in your ears... you could reply here or email me personally... just in case...

thank you for praying

doing better today. still hurting, but better.

thank you for praying.

HELP!

Hey all - if you get a chance, please, please pray today - i am sinking fast - managed to catch myself in some kind of quicksand and i am in crisis at present. i don't post this lightly. PLEASE intercede that i can hang on because today i...

i need help.

thank you.

dear daddy

haven't been posting because i'm afraid. now that i have readers, i'm afraid of what y'all think. this blog hasn't been serving it's original purpose as a vent because i'm thinking about trying to be all neat and tidy for y'all - it's become an update tool instead of the vent that i needed. my dear friend D called me on that and reminded me that i NEED this blog to be a vent. so i'm going back to posting what i need to say and not looking over my shoulder when i do. so please forgive me if i offend you. i need to get this stuff out...


Dear daddy,

you hurt me. you hurt me really bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you made me hurt so bad…

mean daddy. mean daddy made me hurt. mean daddy. fingers don’t go there. not clean. this is not how you wash, daddy. soap doesn’t go there. i hate bubbles inside. they make me feel sick, daddy. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. makes me feel yucky and bad.

why do you have to look inside, daddy? why? mommy doesn’t do that. crawling on the floor, face on the ground. this hurts to be like this… it hurts to push my face in the floor and put my bum in the air so you can check me… i don’t like this, daddy. i promised i was still when you washed me – isn’t it clean YET?

you never let me say no. i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? it hurts and i am so afraid… i don’t mean to make you mad when i go slow, i’m just afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…

you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i want to do what you want… why won’t you tell me? why do you hurt me instead?

i hate my stupid button. i hate you know about my stupid button. i hate that you use it to make me do bad things. i don’t like how it makes me feel. good is bad. bad is worse. i don’t understand. bad daddy. mean daddy. bad, mean daddy. don’t hurt me, daddy. please?! please stop, daddy. please, please, please stop daddy.

you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m a bad girl. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. all i want to do is be good, but you never tell me what it is i need to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make you mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i don’t know how.

daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that i am not a bad girl. i get so confused. i want to be good. i want to believe you. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i want to please the most. why would you lie to me, daddy? why would you hurt me like that if i didn’t deserve it? what made you a bad daddy – a mean daddy? why won’t you love me?

i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so you won’t see my tears. so you won’t see my fear. so you will love me. so i can be good. nothing makes sense to me. it never makes sense.

why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because i’m finally sorry? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i want to do is make you happy…

my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to love me?

i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t’ know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to do this thing called “heal” that my new friends tell me will make my owies better. i’m afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love me because i can’t do anything right, ever.

what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust?

i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…

i’m not going to sign this letter, because i’m afraid if i do then i’ll be bad for writing it…

teddy bear, teddy bear, tell me please…
will it ever stop, will i ever get free?

Mothers' Day

Ugh. I knew the pain wouldn't stay away long. I had a fantastic break - 36 hours or so this time - they are getting longer. But I'm in another hole.

Processing another difficult series of memories. Realizing that now that I have readers, it's probably a bad idea to post even what i did last time, so i'll just say: Please pray. please, please, please...

thank you.

HUGE PROGRESS!!!

Okay, this will get intense, but the memory ends in such a victory, and y'all have been so supportive lately, I just HAVE to share. I know, I know... I have a long way yet to go - but today I celebrate. :)


I have been struggling with a lot of guilt lately. Feeling like it was all my fault. I know that there was no way I could have fought my father off - he started when I was soooooooooooooooo little and it just got progressively worse - I was completely powerless - but yet I have felt major guilt pangs with each and every terrible flashback and they've been VERY bad lately... also, those I vent to have been getting upset with me because everytime I go through one of my episodes I've apologized like crazy without being able to stop and it drives them crazy when i do that - they keep reminding me it wasn't my fault but i just haven't been able to believe it... to the point that the majority of my anger has been at my childhood self rather than at my father... can't even look at my own face without boiling over with anger and pain... it's been bad.

well, i finally figured out what was the problem. in the recovering of my memories, i had another new one today...(here comes the intense part, if you can't handle details, i need to warn you to stop reading now.)


when my father abused me, most of the time he would tell me, "you're a bad little girl. a very, very, very bad girl. if you were a good girl, this wouldn't happen to you. you are a bad girl. this is what being bad feels like." And he would grab a very personal part of me that is incredibly sensitive and pinch and twist and cause enough pain to make me see stars and not be able to fight back. These memories have been very vivid and have come back in a major way... but today, today the memory continued beyond that point. Before, I would never get past that moment, just be overwhelmed with severe pain and go into a panic attack and such and find myself running full force away from it. Today, it continued to what happened next. He was grabbing and causing severe pain and he put his face in mine, and with clenched teeth, pinched harder to where i could barely breathe and said, "when you are bad, you have to say your sorry. say your sorry for being so bad." and he forced me to say it. i had no choice. i had no option. it hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I had to. I had to say it. I had to say, "I'm sorry for being bad, Daddy. I'm so sorry." and keep apologizing until he thought it was enough or he wouldn't stop hurting me. Suddenly, I realized that he did that A LOT - I just hadn't been able to face that part until now.

I really can't say WHY that's so relieving, just yet. I just know that now I have a reason why I've felt so guilty for so long. Why I've felt like I was responsible. Why I feel the urge to apologize nonstop when I feel threatened or flash back, even if I've done nothing wrong.

And today, for the first time, I looked at a picture of me as a kid about that age and actually felt happy to see her. I saw her as sweet and good instead of evil and bad. Instead of wishing I could kill her, I actually wanted to hug her. This is HUGE!!!

I don't know if it will really make any difference to any of you... but it's HUMONGOUS for me - so I just had to share.

I've changed my avatar from the tears picture to the picture i saw today of me, so you all can see her too. I'm allowing her to come out of hiding, because I've finally realized it really IS NOT her fault.

And that is SUCH a relief.

Thanks for letting me share,
AngieSue

A huge concept to consider...

Okay, coming here to hash out a concept a friend of mine just said to me. It makes a lot of sense but it's difficult to wrap my brain around. So I thought if I came here to blog about it, maybe it would become more clear and absorbable. It's very good.

Let me just begin by saying that this last week has been very intense as far as flashbacks and such go and more than incredibly difficult - there are not words to describe how hard it's been and how painful. If my counselor and my good friends that know better about these things didn't keep telling me otherwise, I'd say I was completely going off the deep end. It's been really bad.

Part of my difficulty has been that my counselor tells me so adamantly that the only way to overcome this stuff and get past it is NOT to fight the flashbacks - to let them come and to feel every bit of everything associated with them so it will come OUT and be done with. Makes logical sense. But NOT to fight flashbacks of the most traumatic things you can imagine?! Easier said than done.

So I was talking with a friend from the online support group that I joined and she said something that made me think. She said that I have the ability to fight back in a different way - that there is a power I hold that he never could. Of course, she had my full attention with that kind of announcement...

"Love" she said. She went on to explain that it's obvious that all the things he said about me and called me were very wrong and that it could be proved in my life now. That proof of that was in the fact that God trusted me with a family and children and friends and a church and a calling and so much more. That God's love and the love of those around me could be used as proof to defeat all of my father's lies and to restore my heart.

I'm still not entirely sure how that will help me through the flashbacks and such in a practical way, but I sure do like the concept. So I'm just getting it down here so that:
1 - I can reinforce the concept in my head.
and
2 - So I don't forget.

I have a feeling that if I can really wrap my head around this one, that we're in for some MAJOR progress...

Praise Report

I am learning to be thankful for the little things - they are all I have right now. So here is a praise report for something that most people would seem small but it's a big deal for me:
I actually slept last night - 7 1/2 wonderful hours.

It's been far too long since that happened. I really needed it. So I just had to share. Praise God!

Alone

How could anyone understand?
I don't even get it.
How do I expect anyone to believe me?
I don't want to believe it myself.
How does something like this happen?

How do you pick up the pieces?
How do I recover? How is that possible?

They tell me that I will heal.
That this can be overcome.
I don't see how.
The pain is so intense.
The rejection still defines me.
I am defiled. I can't get clean.
Logic doesn't help.

I know all the "right" answers.
But when it all slows down
And I'm all by myself
I am so alone.
It all floods in.
reminding me of how
hopeless it all is.
And no one understands.
And I'm right back where I started.

The progress I so long to see has got to happen.
God promises it.
I just can't wait until it also applies
when I'm all alone.

Feeling Stupid

Have you ever been conned? I'm realizing right now that I was. And it feels pretty terrible. Especially since I should have been able to trust the person that conned me.

It's like the frog in the pot. You turn up the heat slow and they never jump out because they never realize what is happening and suddenly their a willing participant in their own destruction. What a terrible thing to do. What an awful, horrible, terrible thing to do.

Man, this hurts.

Justice

My church is part of a neighborhood watch group. The neighborhood it is located in is in a rough part of town. We allow the people who live closeby to use our building to meet and discuss keeping the area safe. Recently they had the local police involved in an issue and it got me to thinking...

There was an issue with drug dealers in this one house. The cars were in and out of that house faster than a fast food place at lunch time. People all the time coming and going. It was obvious even to the most naive person what was happening there. The neighbors were irate at the police. The officers were well aware of what was happening and yet it seemed that nothing was being done. Time and again the people would call and ask for the place to be cleaned up and taken care of and yet they saw no action at all, not one arrest, the police would rarely even make an appearance if at all.

But I was privy to the behind the scenes. My Pastor is also a chaplain with the sherriff's department, so he called in to see what strings he could pull to care for the people we are trying to reach. The answer astounded me. The police were indeed very aware of what was happening. Unlike appearances, they had been watching that house for a long time and were very astute as to what was happening. Taking license numbers, photos, documenting who came and went. Watching. But they were waiting. They were aware of the bigger picture. They understood our court systems and the criminal minds and the way the whole thing works. They weren't in it just to catch the druggies coming and going, they were waiting so they could nab the source of the problem and shut it down completely. They understood that with patience they would be able to make a much larger difference and possibly shut the operation down entirely rather than simply causing it to relocate to another neighborhood. It was important, though, that no one knew about their research. So the neighbors had to be left in the dark, thinking they were abandoned and forgotten, because if it became known that undercover cops were in the area then the bust would not be effective.

Because I've been so sick, I don't know if they ever finished the job. Being out of the loop lately, I don't know. But I was reading my Bible this morning. Praying about my issues with God and my father and abuse in general and how He can let it happen. Psalm 97 says that righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne and that He guards the lives of this faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. And I was asking God, how this can be true and yet so many innocent people, especially children, suffer for years and years without relief... how can this be just?

And He brought to mind the situation with the police. He is indeed in charge. And those who oppress will indeed be brought to justice. We see the temporary. We see the "right now". It is very sad that people have to suffer the way that they do. And I may never have an answer as to why life on this planet has to be the way that it is. But God IS just. And we all will have a day when we stand before His throne and answer for our lives and our choices. I have to trust that He is working behind the scenes and that, even if it is not until eternity, He WILL set things right. His name is Emmanuel - God with us - He has not abandoned or neglected or turned away. I have to trust in that. Even when I can't see it.

This is most definitely easier said than done. But necessary nonetheless as I, too, will stand before Him and have to answer.

God,
Help me to grieve and cry and pour out my pain on your altar. Help me to heal. Help me to let it out. But also, please help me to keep my own heart right in the process and to trust You regardless. As I seek to put together the broken pieces, may they fall into the order that YOU have planned so that I need not be crushed again.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Sad

Haven't disappeared, y'all. I know it's been a while. Just overwhelmed with the sad of it all. Trying to pray and hold on and walk it one breath at a time, but it's left me with little to say - I'm just sad.

The Silver Lining

Ah, our Sweet God has finally shown me the silver lining...

The silver lining is the part that makes the pain worth it. So I have a silver lining to my belly pain - and it's wonderful. :-)

All this time with all this emotional pain, I've kind of isolated myself from everyone around me but tried to keep up with the daily demands and hectic schedule that is my life - tried to juggle all of it at once. Hard to make progress running like that. It occurred to me that this belly pain was timed perfectly to carve out the space and time I needed in order to process the memories that have recently hit and all of the emotions that have come with them. I don't know that I ever would have done that for myself on my own... so I can praise God that He had a purpose in it. And I figure, even if they didn't find anything this surgery, that this means that God really does have a plan in this. For the first time, I actually have peace about whatever happens next.

Praise God!

Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming...

Some days I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo" - always ending up in the same place over and over. This has been an incredibly long week. Belly pain aside, even if it were gone, it's been awful.

Still dealing with all the memories and the feelings. I'm sure people are sick of how long this is taking. But it was horrible. And I've run from it my whole life. For good reason. And there is an awful lot of emotion that I have to clean out. And those who have not walked this path, just could never understand that.

In the beginning, all the blank spots (which really was most of my childhood) really bothered me. I wished I knew why they were missing. I wished I understood what happened. I wanted to know. I figured it was like that old cartoon, "knowing is half the battle!" All I had was one awful night, a lot of doubt and a truckload of questions. I figured if I had the answers, I could close the book and be done. Sounds logical, right?

WRONG CITY!!!! Totally wrong. Uh-uh. Not even close. Wrong-O! Absolutely not. Dead wrong. Dory was right. Maybe there really is something to being blissfully oblivious...

So I've been going through counseling. Been doing all the homework assigned. Answering all the questions. Doing everything expected. Going above and beyond doing research. Trying to find the best way to do this. Wanting to get well with all my heart. Coming to grips with that night. Working through the feelings. Dealing with the flashbacks. Coping with the nightmares. Making progress. And it's been REAL progress. I've come a long way. A really long way.

But recently... like in the last two months... my counselor says it's because I've done so much work and I feel safe, that it's a good sign... but it sure doesn't feel good... I've been discovering what was in the missing parts. Getting answers to my questions. Answers I never wanted to hear. And most of it has fallen on my head in the last week. Hit hard. REALLY, REALLY HARD!

I feel like Dory. Here I am again. Back where I started. All that progress out the window. Completely forgotten.

Don't get me wrong, I'm holding on tight to what God has done. And praying my heart out not to lose it. But WOW IT HURTS!!!!!!

It's thrown my whole world for a loop. And the emotion that is coming with it is as if it happened just now. My heart is raw. My brain is fried. I am totally wiped out. I'm floored. And I'm really having a hard time coping again. breathing. anything.

I have my answers. And they are terrible.

God,
Help me hold on!

Always gotta be a price...

This past weekend's victories were incredible - the stopping of a flashback, the diagnosis of my problem... great stuff.

I knew it wouldn't last forever. I knew the other shoe would drop. I just didn't count on it being a size 573 and dropping right on top of me. Been dealing with MAJOR flashbacks and such the past two days - can't hardly even breathe they're coming so fast.

Pardon me for not posting until it's over - please pray!!!!!!

Answer

They finally found an answer to my belly pain!!!!! Saw my husband's walk in clinic dr today and told him the whole story and he absolutely agreed that this is a hernia - the rare kind we thought - he agreed that they are both very painful and very hard to diagnose - and also said he'd have me in to a surgeon THIS WEEK!

Praise God!

Please pray now that the process runs smoothly. If uncomplicated, this is a very simple procedure that can even be done outpatient. But untreated, it can be life threatening because they believe my intestines may be caught in the hernia. Just pray please that the doctors and hospitals involved quit with the mumbo jumbo and just finally let me get well. If they operate this week, Medicaid will cover ALL of it. If they wait for April, we have to start the process all over again. (even if we do, at least we're on the right track - but it sure would be nice not to lose our house to pay for the surgery...)

Anyway, praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will keep y'all posted,
AngieSue

Guess what... :-)

Alright, it's been an incredibly hard week. Haven't posted because it's been hard enough I needed not to say what I felt... Couldn't have concrete black and white proof out there for the men in the white coats to stumble over...it was that bad. Just had to work through some things and try to breathe again. Kind of got sucked under with the low and just needed to survive a while.

Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I'm still struggling but I had a breakthrough last night that I just had to share. This is HUGE!!!

Last night, for the first time ever, I was able to stop a flashback.

I don't know really if y'all totally understand how incredible this is. I've never been able to stop them before. Ever. I've just re-lived the memories over and over and not been able to do anything about it when they hit. Last night, I had the power to say no. I have some control over what's happening to me now. I have the ability to stop what I never could stop before.

Guess my words are failing me. It sounds so lame reading it and it's such a huge thing. I wish I could describe better how fantastic a victory this is. Just take my word for it, friends, it's HUGE!!!!

Praise God!

Better

Praise God He doesn't leave us at the bottom for long.

Still dealing with the physical issues. Nothing has changed there. But my dear friend D reminded me to read again what I wrote when I was feeling better - the post about breathing and about how all this is worth it. Funny, it was like reading someone else's words but it did help me remember how much hope it gave me and most importantly, that it IS possible if I'll just hold on.

So I'm doing better today. I found a way to get to church (and not have to drive dui with the meds) and even though my congregation has no clue whatsoever why this health issue is so huge for me (because of the gyn issues and the abuse), they wrapped their arms around me (literally) and let me cry and loved me anyway. That was huge. So huge.

So now Darin and the kids have gone to watch the shuttle launch and I'm sitting at home alone and hurting, but it isn't like it was 24 hours ago. I don't feel as hopeless. And that's better.

Holding on. Praying. Making it through one moment at a time. But at least I am making it. Praise God.