Happy Thanksgiving

Okay, regardless of how melancholy I feel inside, it's thanksgiving. If I didn't post a thankful post, it just wouldn't be right. And after the last thankful list, I believe I need to have put a wee bit more thought into this one... So here goes:

1- I'm thankful for the family I have left. Even if things are tense with my step-dad, I am still in such a better place than I used to be. I'm very thankful for that.

2- I'm thankful that in the recent losses of family and friends, none of them died in trauma and all of them left peacefully and went on to be with Jesus. Although I miss them, they went the way God intended and they are all sitting at a much better table today.

3- I'm thankful that I can finally see the progress I'm making. My most recent bout with panic attacks and nightmares and the like only left me paralized a couple of days - this is much better than the months (or rather, years) on end that I've battled before. I can breathe today. That's progress. And I'm very thankful that I'm moving forward through this pain to a positive end. The light at the end of the tunnel is NOT another train.

4- I'm thankful I live in a place where I can have the space I need to work things out. My church family is willing to work around not having me running for them like I used to, my physical family is also doing their best to do the same, our finances are in a place where we can still eat if I don't work this month, and I have been blessed to live near a place that is donating the counseling I need to move on.

5- I'm thankful for my support system. I'm not alone. God has blessed me with several very good friends that are lifting me up in prayer daily and that encourage my heart no matter how discouraged I get. And so far, not one of them is screaming that I'm driving them as crazy as I feel like I am. It's like I have my own cheering section. That is an amazing gift.

6- Yes, 6, it's thanksgiving and this is the most important one and it can't be left out...I'm thankful for my God. He loves me regardless. He goes to great lengths to show it. And He has carried me so patiently my whole life. He never tires. He never complains. He always loves and always sends hope. He never gets frustrated because he knows I'm just dust and I'm doing my best. And He sees the end and has already set up the future to bring me there. Above all circumstances, He has my best interests at heart and actually has the power to set things right. I choose to trust Him regardless of what time and space constrict in my viewpoint. He is worthy to be not only trusted but PRAISED.

What more could I ask for? I'm blessed. Which leads me to the last one:

7 (yes, 7!) - I'm beginning to see it. The darkness isn't as dark as it was.

Time for an update

Don't really know what to say here. I just realized tonight I've not updated this in a while. It's been a crappy week and it's only Tuesday. Just been trying to hide under a rock - my goal in life has been to keep breathing. Such a sorry goal, but that's the best I could do this week.

Continuing to process the anger. Unfortunately, haven't done so well at managing the anger at me. Haven't cared so much about being angry at anyone or anything else, although my counselor says I should be focusing it on where it belongs and seeing that I don't deserve blame. I know it academically but feeling it is a whole other thing.

Decided last night that this was taking me far from where I really want to go. Things were just getting far to dark for the level of depression I'm fighting. Not safe. Taking a break from all of it this afternoon and finding distraction. Have a better day planned for tomorrow too.

Will be so glad when Thanksgiving is over. Not that I'm not thankful, but that I'm not looking forward to the motions of the holiday. It's going to be very empty this year with the last of my grandparents gone and most of the family out of town. So just my parents, Darin & I and our kids. This means my step-father gets to do his control thing and focus on us since there won't be a crowd to disappear into - I just really would like to skip that part, especially this year. I'll be glad when it's over.

Besides all that, life is okay. My thankful list is shallow today because I'm just too tired to give it much effort. I'll get past this, I know. I just need some space right now to work it through...
1- I'm thankful that it can't stay this dark forever.
2- I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is only one day.
3- I'm thankful that I have stuff to do to keep distracted.
4- I'm thankful that my dogs know just when I need a snuggle.
5- I'm thankful that it's time to go back to bed.

Discouraged...

I'm tired tonight. Tired of working. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything. Just flat out tired.

It's been a long week with lots of heavy issues. My head has stopped throbbing but my heart is way raw. I see that progress is being made but I'm very discouraged. I just don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard.

No, I'm too stubborn to give up. I won't quit. I can't. I'm just tired. I wish there were an easier way.

Progress is slow but sure

Just a quick post so y'all don't think I've fallen off the planet. I'm still making progress - it's slow and painful but I am still moving.

I'm thankful for weird things today. Thankful for my 6 day migraine so that I could receive the revelations I have this week, thankful that I've been strong enough to face them, thankful that there are good truths to replace the lies I've believed so long, thankful that God allows anger when it's on the path to healing, and I'm thankful that my husband is willing to put up with my attitude through this pain so that I can get well - I don't mean to be grumpy but I know I'm not easy to live with when I hurt this badly.

Back to work

Thankful for the victory on Friday. It's giving me the strength I need to get back to battle.

I'm not blogging specifics tonight because the emotions are running too high to get them started again. This is heavy stuff. My journal will hold the intensely personal details until I process enough to feel comfortable posting online. Right now, I'm taking a couple of hours off. It's been so intense that it's given me a 4 day migraine. But I'm making progress. Can't say it feels worth it now, but I know it will be in the long run...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us...

That's all for now.

My thankful list is like I said above. Thankful for the victory, the strength it gave me for the present fight, for hope in the battle, for God's help as I make progress through it and for the promise of a time when this difficulty won't even compare to how great the good will be. It's pretty dark right now, but it won't always be. I'm hanging on to that.

Undeniable Victory

Okay, it's very late so this post is going to be short but I just had to get down for the record (before it disappears) that God smiled at me today.

There won't be a thankful list at the end because it's very late and this whole post is a Praise Report. I'm thankful for the whole evening.

I went reluctantly to a ladies night at my church tonight. I was fighting the beginning of a migraine and had a hugely emotional counseling session this morning and I just wanted, honestly, to go back to bed. But I went anyway simply because I had already made the arrangements to go and was on that end of town - thought I'd pop in, stay a short time and pop out and go crash.

But the headache faded and the evening turned out to be fantastic.

I laughed - really laughed - for first time in a very long time. Not just an obligitory laugh or a laugh at a joke or comment but an "I'm having a good time" laugh. And I didn't have (praise God!) an ounce of guilt for it.

They gave me a prize for best pajamas at the meeting (it was movie and pajama night) and I genuinely felt the love my church family offered. And didn't feel guilty for that either.

And by the end of the evening, I actually even got a little silly/giggly.

Praise God!

Thank you, Lord for smiling my way! You know how much I needed it!

Back as promised with today's list

Okay, I've had some cool down time. It's been a bad day. But I have to keep my promise and post today's thankful list. And I do have some good things to be thankful for.

1- I'm thankful that God understands my anger and that He is willing to let me walk it through to get to the other side.

2- I'm thankful there's another side to get to.

3- I'm thankful that God is holy. That He is NOTHING like my dad.

4- I'm thankful that I have the ability to walk away and process. When I lived in the midst of it all there was no break. I have options now.

5- I'm thankful that I survived. I never knew then how different life could be.

Bonus:
6- I'm thankful that since #5 is true, I can look forward to life continuing to improve. There will be good in my future. God promised.

The Tickle Game

Working on a project for my brother with old photos. (Don't ask my why I get myself into these things - I'm just stupid I guess...) Scanning the pictures in and fighting the memories as they flood in...

My father had this game he'd play with us when we were kids, my brother and I. My brother seemed to like it. I HATED it. We'd be walking by and he'd reach out and grab us to tickle us. Sounds harmless enough.

But it went beyond what's okay. He wouldn't let up. Wouldn't let go. When it ceased to be fun and the laughter turned to tears, he'd still be laughing and wouldn't quit. I remember getting REALLY mad and screaming at him, "Don't!" "Stop!" And he thought it was funny. He'd say, "Don't stop? Okay!" And keep it up. When he finally did let go, I'd be steaming mad and have to run away somewhere to hide and cool down. Some game.

I'm so angry at him. I can't understand why being cruel to someone else is funny. One time he threw a wet towel on me while we were splashing at a lake. Everyone thought it was a riot. But the towel was wet and heavy and I was little and I remember being underneath it, it so heavy over top, and I couldn't get up. He held me under long enough for me to think I was going to die. And then it was over and I was free and everyone thought that was so funny. Oh man, I was mad. Found a picture of that today. Somebody actually took a picture of that. I could spit just thinking about it.

Why is it funny when someone else suffers? Why was my anger brushed away? I see his face in those pictures and I could scream. It's not fair. Why didn't I get to be a person too? Why did it hurt me so much and nobody else even noticed?

I'll get to the thankful stuff later. I've got to go cry this out and walk it off...

Thinking about stuff...

Oh so much to think about.


Had a fantastic weekend but only had it that way because I chose to escape my problems and pretend they weren't there and just take time off from all the things that remind me of all the work I'm doing to recover. Guilty pleasure. I admit, the break was sooooooooo needed, but it just made getting back to everything this morning all that much harder...


The counselor wants me to repeat specific "affirming statements" several times a day to combat the lies my father instilled in me for so many years. I've done well with them until now. Hard but overcomeable. This last week, I couldn't do it. The task was to say "I am clean" five times a day. Couldn't get it out once except to confess at the end of the week that I couldn't do it.


I feel so filthy. And the flashbacks have been so real today that they are hugely nauseating. Specific to one of the the worst parts of the whole event. I don't know what's acceptable for a blog or not, but let's just say that choking on nastiness in my mouth and overwhelming textures and odors were involved. And I can hardly breathe when I think of it. And no matter what anyone says - THAT WAS NOT CLEAN!!!!! And I can't clean myself of that memory. Or of the sickeningness afterward. And it's overwhelming.

My counseling homework this week now is about letting go of shame. Very appropriate. But such difficult timing - all I want to do is run from it.

My friend that I confide in asked me today about what I was struggling over. When I told her, she said that no one looks on me with that filter. That there's not a person in the world that would put any bad on me at all about what happened. She said I'm beautiful and clean and a loveable person that people would only want to protect not condemn me.

So then, why can't I rid me of it? Why can't I wash enough, pray enough, clean enough, organize enough, run enough, or anything else enough to get past this? Why do I feel like such a stupid, retarded idiot that people are only friends with out of pity or obligation? Why can't I feel clean? whole?

I'm confused. And I don't know how to get it into my heart. Or even how to let myself believe it. I so see the polar opposite of that in me. I CAN see that it was not my fault - totally his choice to do what he did - but that doesn't make me whole or clean - I'm still defiled. And I still don't know how to make it right. I hate it. It's sick. Just plain sick.

So those are my thoughts today. I have no answers. I'm just still thinking... pondering... trying to get a grip and catch my breath. Trying very hard to focus and work on the task at hand and not run away.... just trying...

I have no "in conclusion" to wrap it up. Sorry. Wish I did...

Okay - thankful stuff - this is a tough assignment today:

1- I'm thankful my kids don't have to go through this.

2- I'm thankful ... (God, this is hard!) ... thankful I'm not alone. Regardless of the reason, I do have people that I can confide in and trust.

3- I'm thankful I don't ever have to see my father again. (is that bad?)

4- I'm thankful for the holidays coming. Happy traditions will help.

5- I'm thankful (yes, it's shallow, but I'm grasping here) for chocolate. It never loses it's happy moment regardless of circumstances.

Alright, enough for today... off to other things...

Today's List

Today's list of 5 things to be thankful for:

1- Interpretations of what people say can be wrong. Perspective can change everything. I was given a new outlook on hope today through a misunderstanding. I'm glad my friend clarified my error.

2- I'm glad for the freedom to process things on Fridays when I'm done with counseling. Not having to rush home right away is a good thing.

3- I'm glad God gave me a good friend who is willing to let me just go to her house and do nothing when I can't stand to be alone. Even if I don't even have the energy to tell her what's really going on, she still cares. Wow.

4- I'm thankful that even though my past holds so much pain, and even though my heart is overwhelmed at how much effort it takes to breathe, I don't live in the midst of it anymore. The memories are simply memories and are not current events for me anymore. (And I pray for those that have not yet experienced that change...which leads me to #5...)

5- I'm thankful that this world cannot continue to inflict it's wrath forever. Eventually, Jesus WILL come back and it will all end. Even if it's not in my lifetime (athough I certainly would love to go right now), just knowing that there is a promise that it WILL end is good. It's hard to look at the evil in the world and all the things that mankind can do to harm, maim and crush it's children. It's good to know that there will be an accounting. Justice WILL be served - even if it's not happening right now.

Feeling Alone

My heart is so heavy. I'm so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to play anymore. Go away, world, leave me alone!


Twice this week I've been invited to go out for lunch with friends. Yes, I did go even though I soooooooooo don't feel social. It was good to get out of the house and away from everything for a while but I found I come home feeling more empty than when I left. Pretending to be okay takes so much energy. And it just leaves me feeling guilty for not being myself in the first place. But that person is so broken right now. I'm shattered inside. And that's not what people want to deal with at a social gathering.


Does that make me a liar and a coward? I hope not. I'm not trying to lie by faking it - I'm just trying to be loved and keep my end of being a pastor's wife and go out when they ask. Years ago, I stayed home and was called a snob for it. (They so got that one wrong!) It's been pointed out to me how lucky I am to have people that care. I'm thankful they do. I realize I'm lucky. But it's just not as simple as it seems... The coward label comes in here. It's just that my issues are huge and very personal - the pain is way intense - and I'm afraid that if people knew who I REALLY am inside, if they found out what was done to me and how difficult it is for me to cope - if they saw me as I see me, they'd have nothing at all to do with me and I'd be completely alone. And I'm already so alone even in their midst... I don't know if I could take that.


The few people who have a clue about my battle keep telling me I'm so strong and making such great progress. But it hurts MORE not less. I don't get it. Maybe they just don't see what I'm battling. Or how much I'm torn up in the battle. Maybe I'm too good at hiding, even from them. Maybe, like everything else, progress must be paid for with pain and tears. I just wish it didn't cost so much simply to breathe... This makes the most sense, but I wish I understood why I have to pay so dearly just to exist. Does the rest of the world hurt like this? If they do, they're much better actors than I am, that's for sure. I just wish I could find the truth.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. I will have to go out again for a meeting tonight, so I'm going to sign off and try to get a little rest to prepare for it.

Per recommendation from my friend, D - here is a list of 5 things to be thankful for today:
1- I'm thankful that I don't have to work everyday while I go through this.
2- I'm thankful that I do have a few friends that know and they still love me anyway. Even though I feel so alone, I'm really not.
3- I'm thankful God sent me a way to get the counseling I need to recover and still feed my family. It's proof there must be hope for recovery.
4- I'm thankful that God finds a way to send people to me when I'm having trouble holding on. I was without hope yesterday and God timed TWO phone calls perfectly in order to get me through the wave until I could breathe again. More proof that God is bringing me through.
5- I'm thankful that even though I can't see the light at the end of my tunnel, that others can and they remind me of it regularly.

Back in battle

Not doing well this afternoon. Back in battle.

Pray.

Sweet Victory

Had a breakthrough today. Believe I broke something in the stronghold over my heart in this battle. Found the strength to fight back.

And fight I did. I'm exhausted but it feels good.

Not going into huge detail because I my "to do" list awaits, but just had to put on here that I'm in victory today.

For the first time in I can't remember how long, it's quiet inside my head.

I'm enjoying the peace while I can and catching my breath.

There's more battle to do, but I can taste victory. And I'm stronger today because of it.

Praise God.

Why is this so hard???

This sounds so simple - so easy - just understand a couple of really basic things: I matter. I'm not defined by this. I'm worth being cared about. Almighty God says so. And He backs that up with action... He loves me.

So, why is it so hard to get in my heart?

I understand it with my head, but it all comes down to what I REALLY believe and no matter how hard I try, I always find myself sitting on the floor, all alone, crying my eyeballs out, feeling worthless and hopeless.

Why can't I get it?