okay - so first paragraph is for my readers: i'm still alive. still here. not in the hospital. told my husband what was happening. he called all around and looked at everything and sought professional advice. in the process we discovered that we knew a psychologist who would be willing to give a professional opinion and we asked her. she said that i am not crazy, have not gone off the deep end, am actually not in need of inpatient care just some better coping skills, new meds and real counseling (my old counselor was a volunteer with some training but nothing formal). so she agreed to see me for free or cheap and get me on track. i am on the new meds, which i am disappointed that they don't work the way i wanted them to, but they ARE helping and she's seeing me every day or two so i can learn to cope. when i get out of crisis we'll back off to less, but for now we both agree that this is better. she's also working with my doctor on the med situation. i go see my dr today to get that adjusted. thank y'all for praying. please don't stop. this is amazingly hard.
the rest of this post was supposed to be for me. to try to do my homework for my new counselor. to sort things out. she wants me to make peace between the adult side of me and the kid side of me. not like a multiple personality thing but more like the adult is the rational, left brained, in charge, out front portion of who i am and the kid is the afraid, abused, hiding in the closet and covering her head, emotional, right brained, behind the scenes part of who i am. they are currently opposing one another and that's part of the issue. i'm supposed to find out what it's going to take to make peace so i can do like the Bible says and love my neighbor as myself because i don't love myself at all. i'm supposed to figure out how to make the adult part more nurturing and how to find out what it is that the kid part needs in order to get un-stuck and have permission to come out of hiding and be okay again.
you know what though? i've been working on this for an hour now. i thought if i brought it to the blog i could tone it down a bit to sort it out and this is just not working one bit. i'm just getting more and more upset and i have to set this aside before i hurt myself again. this is just too much. my head is screaming so loud. i think i need a break. sorry all.
so for now, it's enough that you know that i'm okay but still struggling big time. i'm going to have to find a different outlet for this assignment than simple words because... well i do.
please keep praying all. i really need it.
thanks,
me
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
what have i done?!
okay - realized what an issue this is. admitted it. told my husband. now things are spiraling around me and i have no idea what is going to happen. we're talking doctors, hospitals, refuge centers... i don't know where they're going to send me or whatever. my mother in law is here taking care of details for two weeks and then she'll take the kids with her when she leaves so that i can have the space i need to recover...
wow. what have i done?! is it really this bad?!
help! please pray! i'm so afraid about what's going to happen!!!!
wow. what have i done?! is it really this bad?!
help! please pray! i'm so afraid about what's going to happen!!!!
Saturday, May 23, 2009
What is up with that?!
Okay, this blog is about venting and figuring things out and i have intentionally given myself permission to be ME here again - honest - not worrying about what other people think. so here goes. wow.
alright, been struggling with self injuring. not really admitted it much to anybody. not leaving marks unless they look accidental - mostly damaging areas where most people would never see - covered by clothing... except for one really bad mark i left before my surgery but then i (sorry) lied. told people it was a bad scrape... i was too afraid if they knew i did it because of the stress that i'd wake up after surgery in the psych unit... and i just couldn't handle that. have major issues about that. confinement is a major issue for me because of my past... anyway. but it's been more and more of an issue of late. usually just something i do unconciously during the flashbacks - effects of trying to fight them off... but the worst by far are the extra bad days - like yesterday when i cried out on here for help. feeling the need to go to extremes. i will report to you that i DID make it through this time without giving in to it, but that has not always been the case.
anyway, it's weird when it hits. it's like this heavy, lead blanket that comes on me. like physically, tangibly heavy. i can tell you it hit thursday night about 5:30 pm and lifted friday about 7 pm. it's tangible. it's specific. it's very, very heavy. the feeling is beyond hopeless - it's like the word, 'hopeless' is not strong enough to describe it. more like despair. like truly i'm being pulled under and drowned and there is no point in fighting it because i can't get free...ever. it sucks the life right out of me. my husband says i loose the color in my face. i have no strength physically, emotionally, spiritually... none. and i feel this compulsion - this drive that says i am bad beyond bad. worthless. and that nothing matters. and no one cares. and i deserve nothing but pain. and that's all i'm made for. and that healing applies to everyone else but me and that i'm somehow different and no way can i ever heal - i don't deserve to heal. because i'm bad. bad beyond bad. and that all i deserve is death and pain and suffering. and i want to hurt myself. horrible, awful things go through my head - not stuff like take sleeping pills or drive in front of a bus or get ahold of a gun - but bloody, painful, terrible things. like i not only deserve to die but to do it in the most painful, awful way possible. and it's crazy exhausting trying to fight it because i truly feel like there is no way to stop it. i have to go find people to be around because the one guarantee i have is that i will not do it unless i'm alone - so i just choose not to be alone - it's the only guarantee i have that i won't go into some weird flashback mode and do something before i realize i'm doing it... i don't want to do it - i just feel oddly compelled to - like it's impossible not to - it's just weird. and scary. very, very scary.
anyway. wow. i admitted that. i actually admitted that. and i'm going to post it too. wow. but first, i need to keep typing because it's these thoughts that i'm having about all this NOW that i need to process...
people have suggested to me that these periods of intense heaviness are spiritual - like a demonic thing - or physical - like a genetic thing (my father dealt with depression). i wondered for a while if i was going to just go insane and become like my dad. i am, after all, the same age at present that he was when he "snapped" and got really, really violent... but neither of these explanations feel right. like i haven't put my finger on it yet...
i recently joined an abuse survivors support group site - needing to talk to other people that have similar experiences and struggles and discovered some things that i had not expected. number one, my abuse was severe. this is weird for me. i grew up thinking that this was "normal" and i was just a whiner and a bad kid for being so miserable. but what i experienced was FAR from normal - even for survivors of abuse. when i tell pieces of my story, especially the recent pieces i've remembered - the reactions have been that this was tantamount to actual torture, and that this was one sadistic, sick man, my father. and because i was required to behave as though all of it was "normal," this is confusing to me. i see, in my head, his reactions, hear his words, his descriptions, his eerie calm and his terrifying smile and nothing makes sense. his explanations for what was happening are so contrary to what i am trying to understand now... i find i relate most to the people whose stories fall into the ritual abuse category and that my symptoms most closely match theirs rather than those who were abused less severely... this scares me. it scares me a lot. number two, the information that i read on RA (ritual abuse) tell me that those who perpetrate these awful deeds tend to use coercive persuasion/mind control to "program" their subjects to "self-destruct" if these memories come to light... i have no memory of such a thing but at the same time these periods of heaviness - oh so much heavier than the depression i deal with on a regular basis - these walls of hopeless utter despair that hit and the compulsions that come with them... it makes me afraid of what i do not know. what i do not want to know.
in the beginning of healing, i prayed that my memories would come to light. that i would have answers as to why i was the way i was so that i could heal and be free of this pain. but those memories that came back have done the opposite to date - they have made me feel so much more deeply the pain and the loss and the betrayal and the fear and all of the rest that comes with this... i am not only not freed by remembering, i am that much MORE hurting... i find myself wishing that i had never prayed that prayer for God to show me why i was like this. so i in no way am asking God to tell me more. i just wish i knew how to survive it. because whatever it is that is hitting me is stronger than i am... so much stronger... and i DO NOT want to lose the battle. I WANT to heal and live and grow and finally live in victory... i'm just so not sure how to get there...
i'm not entirely sure that the "programming" idea applies to me either. it also doesn't quite fit right. but it's the closest fit yet. because i DID make a connection this weekend thinking and praying over this problem and noticed that every single time that I've dealt with this terribly heavy whatever-this-is, it without fail follows one of two things: either a breakthrough of healing where i've come to remember or understand an abusive event or a time when i've shared a piece of one of those times with someone else. it ALWAYS follows one of those two things... i'm not trying for another label or more sympathy or anything like that. i'm just desperately trying to understand what is happening so that eventually it can be completely defeated and broken and i no longer have to live in fear that i will die at my own hand when no one is looking... i want to beat this. i want to live.
the Bible says that the truth will set us free. I believe God's word is true. and, when not under that blanket of heaviness, i also know that it applies across the board - without exception - to all of us - including me. Please, my prayer partners, please will you pray with me that God will help the truth about what to do about this to come to light so that I can be free? I'm finding myself now shrinking back from doing things to heal because I don't want to set off another episode. This is a stumbling block. This is not a positive thing. This is an obstacle that I need to overcome. Please pray that God will send the wisdom I need to figure this out - whatever that means.
Thank you.
PS - any other ideas you want to share would be great too - if God whispers something in your ears... you could reply here or email me personally... just in case...
alright, been struggling with self injuring. not really admitted it much to anybody. not leaving marks unless they look accidental - mostly damaging areas where most people would never see - covered by clothing... except for one really bad mark i left before my surgery but then i (sorry) lied. told people it was a bad scrape... i was too afraid if they knew i did it because of the stress that i'd wake up after surgery in the psych unit... and i just couldn't handle that. have major issues about that. confinement is a major issue for me because of my past... anyway. but it's been more and more of an issue of late. usually just something i do unconciously during the flashbacks - effects of trying to fight them off... but the worst by far are the extra bad days - like yesterday when i cried out on here for help. feeling the need to go to extremes. i will report to you that i DID make it through this time without giving in to it, but that has not always been the case.
anyway, it's weird when it hits. it's like this heavy, lead blanket that comes on me. like physically, tangibly heavy. i can tell you it hit thursday night about 5:30 pm and lifted friday about 7 pm. it's tangible. it's specific. it's very, very heavy. the feeling is beyond hopeless - it's like the word, 'hopeless' is not strong enough to describe it. more like despair. like truly i'm being pulled under and drowned and there is no point in fighting it because i can't get free...ever. it sucks the life right out of me. my husband says i loose the color in my face. i have no strength physically, emotionally, spiritually... none. and i feel this compulsion - this drive that says i am bad beyond bad. worthless. and that nothing matters. and no one cares. and i deserve nothing but pain. and that's all i'm made for. and that healing applies to everyone else but me and that i'm somehow different and no way can i ever heal - i don't deserve to heal. because i'm bad. bad beyond bad. and that all i deserve is death and pain and suffering. and i want to hurt myself. horrible, awful things go through my head - not stuff like take sleeping pills or drive in front of a bus or get ahold of a gun - but bloody, painful, terrible things. like i not only deserve to die but to do it in the most painful, awful way possible. and it's crazy exhausting trying to fight it because i truly feel like there is no way to stop it. i have to go find people to be around because the one guarantee i have is that i will not do it unless i'm alone - so i just choose not to be alone - it's the only guarantee i have that i won't go into some weird flashback mode and do something before i realize i'm doing it... i don't want to do it - i just feel oddly compelled to - like it's impossible not to - it's just weird. and scary. very, very scary.
anyway. wow. i admitted that. i actually admitted that. and i'm going to post it too. wow. but first, i need to keep typing because it's these thoughts that i'm having about all this NOW that i need to process...
people have suggested to me that these periods of intense heaviness are spiritual - like a demonic thing - or physical - like a genetic thing (my father dealt with depression). i wondered for a while if i was going to just go insane and become like my dad. i am, after all, the same age at present that he was when he "snapped" and got really, really violent... but neither of these explanations feel right. like i haven't put my finger on it yet...
i recently joined an abuse survivors support group site - needing to talk to other people that have similar experiences and struggles and discovered some things that i had not expected. number one, my abuse was severe. this is weird for me. i grew up thinking that this was "normal" and i was just a whiner and a bad kid for being so miserable. but what i experienced was FAR from normal - even for survivors of abuse. when i tell pieces of my story, especially the recent pieces i've remembered - the reactions have been that this was tantamount to actual torture, and that this was one sadistic, sick man, my father. and because i was required to behave as though all of it was "normal," this is confusing to me. i see, in my head, his reactions, hear his words, his descriptions, his eerie calm and his terrifying smile and nothing makes sense. his explanations for what was happening are so contrary to what i am trying to understand now... i find i relate most to the people whose stories fall into the ritual abuse category and that my symptoms most closely match theirs rather than those who were abused less severely... this scares me. it scares me a lot. number two, the information that i read on RA (ritual abuse) tell me that those who perpetrate these awful deeds tend to use coercive persuasion/mind control to "program" their subjects to "self-destruct" if these memories come to light... i have no memory of such a thing but at the same time these periods of heaviness - oh so much heavier than the depression i deal with on a regular basis - these walls of hopeless utter despair that hit and the compulsions that come with them... it makes me afraid of what i do not know. what i do not want to know.
in the beginning of healing, i prayed that my memories would come to light. that i would have answers as to why i was the way i was so that i could heal and be free of this pain. but those memories that came back have done the opposite to date - they have made me feel so much more deeply the pain and the loss and the betrayal and the fear and all of the rest that comes with this... i am not only not freed by remembering, i am that much MORE hurting... i find myself wishing that i had never prayed that prayer for God to show me why i was like this. so i in no way am asking God to tell me more. i just wish i knew how to survive it. because whatever it is that is hitting me is stronger than i am... so much stronger... and i DO NOT want to lose the battle. I WANT to heal and live and grow and finally live in victory... i'm just so not sure how to get there...
i'm not entirely sure that the "programming" idea applies to me either. it also doesn't quite fit right. but it's the closest fit yet. because i DID make a connection this weekend thinking and praying over this problem and noticed that every single time that I've dealt with this terribly heavy whatever-this-is, it without fail follows one of two things: either a breakthrough of healing where i've come to remember or understand an abusive event or a time when i've shared a piece of one of those times with someone else. it ALWAYS follows one of those two things... i'm not trying for another label or more sympathy or anything like that. i'm just desperately trying to understand what is happening so that eventually it can be completely defeated and broken and i no longer have to live in fear that i will die at my own hand when no one is looking... i want to beat this. i want to live.
the Bible says that the truth will set us free. I believe God's word is true. and, when not under that blanket of heaviness, i also know that it applies across the board - without exception - to all of us - including me. Please, my prayer partners, please will you pray with me that God will help the truth about what to do about this to come to light so that I can be free? I'm finding myself now shrinking back from doing things to heal because I don't want to set off another episode. This is a stumbling block. This is not a positive thing. This is an obstacle that I need to overcome. Please pray that God will send the wisdom I need to figure this out - whatever that means.
Thank you.
PS - any other ideas you want to share would be great too - if God whispers something in your ears... you could reply here or email me personally... just in case...
Friday, May 22, 2009
HELP!
Hey all - if you get a chance, please, please pray today - i am sinking fast - managed to catch myself in some kind of quicksand and i am in crisis at present. i don't post this lightly. PLEASE intercede that i can hang on because today i...
i need help.
thank you.
i need help.
thank you.
Monday, May 18, 2009
dear daddy
haven't been posting because i'm afraid. now that i have readers, i'm afraid of what y'all think. this blog hasn't been serving it's original purpose as a vent because i'm thinking about trying to be all neat and tidy for y'all - it's become an update tool instead of the vent that i needed. my dear friend D called me on that and reminded me that i NEED this blog to be a vent. so i'm going back to posting what i need to say and not looking over my shoulder when i do. so please forgive me if i offend you. i need to get this stuff out...
Dear daddy,
you hurt me. you hurt me really bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you made me hurt so bad…
mean daddy. mean daddy made me hurt. mean daddy. fingers don’t go there. not clean. this is not how you wash, daddy. soap doesn’t go there. i hate bubbles inside. they make me feel sick, daddy. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. makes me feel yucky and bad.
why do you have to look inside, daddy? why? mommy doesn’t do that. crawling on the floor, face on the ground. this hurts to be like this… it hurts to push my face in the floor and put my bum in the air so you can check me… i don’t like this, daddy. i promised i was still when you washed me – isn’t it clean YET?
you never let me say no. i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? it hurts and i am so afraid… i don’t mean to make you mad when i go slow, i’m just afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…
you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i want to do what you want… why won’t you tell me? why do you hurt me instead?
i hate my stupid button. i hate you know about my stupid button. i hate that you use it to make me do bad things. i don’t like how it makes me feel. good is bad. bad is worse. i don’t understand. bad daddy. mean daddy. bad, mean daddy. don’t hurt me, daddy. please?! please stop, daddy. please, please, please stop daddy.
you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m a bad girl. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. all i want to do is be good, but you never tell me what it is i need to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make you mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i don’t know how.
daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that i am not a bad girl. i get so confused. i want to be good. i want to believe you. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i want to please the most. why would you lie to me, daddy? why would you hurt me like that if i didn’t deserve it? what made you a bad daddy – a mean daddy? why won’t you love me?
i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so you won’t see my tears. so you won’t see my fear. so you will love me. so i can be good. nothing makes sense to me. it never makes sense.
why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because i’m finally sorry? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i want to do is make you happy…
my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to love me?
i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t’ know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to do this thing called “heal” that my new friends tell me will make my owies better. i’m afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love me because i can’t do anything right, ever.
what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust?
i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…
i’m not going to sign this letter, because i’m afraid if i do then i’ll be bad for writing it…
teddy bear, teddy bear, tell me please…
will it ever stop, will i ever get free?
Dear daddy,
you hurt me. you hurt me really bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you made me hurt so bad…
mean daddy. mean daddy made me hurt. mean daddy. fingers don’t go there. not clean. this is not how you wash, daddy. soap doesn’t go there. i hate bubbles inside. they make me feel sick, daddy. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. makes me feel yucky and bad.
why do you have to look inside, daddy? why? mommy doesn’t do that. crawling on the floor, face on the ground. this hurts to be like this… it hurts to push my face in the floor and put my bum in the air so you can check me… i don’t like this, daddy. i promised i was still when you washed me – isn’t it clean YET?
you never let me say no. i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? it hurts and i am so afraid… i don’t mean to make you mad when i go slow, i’m just afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…
you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i want to do what you want… why won’t you tell me? why do you hurt me instead?
i hate my stupid button. i hate you know about my stupid button. i hate that you use it to make me do bad things. i don’t like how it makes me feel. good is bad. bad is worse. i don’t understand. bad daddy. mean daddy. bad, mean daddy. don’t hurt me, daddy. please?! please stop, daddy. please, please, please stop daddy.
you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m a bad girl. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. all i want to do is be good, but you never tell me what it is i need to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make you mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i don’t know how.
daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that i am not a bad girl. i get so confused. i want to be good. i want to believe you. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i want to please the most. why would you lie to me, daddy? why would you hurt me like that if i didn’t deserve it? what made you a bad daddy – a mean daddy? why won’t you love me?
i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so you won’t see my tears. so you won’t see my fear. so you will love me. so i can be good. nothing makes sense to me. it never makes sense.
why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because i’m finally sorry? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i want to do is make you happy…
my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to love me?
i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t’ know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to do this thing called “heal” that my new friends tell me will make my owies better. i’m afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love me because i can’t do anything right, ever.
what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust?
i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…
i’m not going to sign this letter, because i’m afraid if i do then i’ll be bad for writing it…
teddy bear, teddy bear, tell me please…
will it ever stop, will i ever get free?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mothers' Day
Ugh. I knew the pain wouldn't stay away long. I had a fantastic break - 36 hours or so this time - they are getting longer. But I'm in another hole.
Processing another difficult series of memories. Realizing that now that I have readers, it's probably a bad idea to post even what i did last time, so i'll just say: Please pray. please, please, please...
thank you.
Processing another difficult series of memories. Realizing that now that I have readers, it's probably a bad idea to post even what i did last time, so i'll just say: Please pray. please, please, please...
thank you.
Friday, May 8, 2009
HUGE PROGRESS!!!
Okay, this will get intense, but the memory ends in such a victory, and y'all have been so supportive lately, I just HAVE to share. I know, I know... I have a long way yet to go - but today I celebrate. :)
I have been struggling with a lot of guilt lately. Feeling like it was all my fault. I know that there was no way I could have fought my father off - he started when I was soooooooooooooooo little and it just got progressively worse - I was completely powerless - but yet I have felt major guilt pangs with each and every terrible flashback and they've been VERY bad lately... also, those I vent to have been getting upset with me because everytime I go through one of my episodes I've apologized like crazy without being able to stop and it drives them crazy when i do that - they keep reminding me it wasn't my fault but i just haven't been able to believe it... to the point that the majority of my anger has been at my childhood self rather than at my father... can't even look at my own face without boiling over with anger and pain... it's been bad.
well, i finally figured out what was the problem. in the recovering of my memories, i had another new one today...(here comes the intense part, if you can't handle details, i need to warn you to stop reading now.)
when my father abused me, most of the time he would tell me, "you're a bad little girl. a very, very, very bad girl. if you were a good girl, this wouldn't happen to you. you are a bad girl. this is what being bad feels like." And he would grab a very personal part of me that is incredibly sensitive and pinch and twist and cause enough pain to make me see stars and not be able to fight back. These memories have been very vivid and have come back in a major way... but today, today the memory continued beyond that point. Before, I would never get past that moment, just be overwhelmed with severe pain and go into a panic attack and such and find myself running full force away from it. Today, it continued to what happened next. He was grabbing and causing severe pain and he put his face in mine, and with clenched teeth, pinched harder to where i could barely breathe and said, "when you are bad, you have to say your sorry. say your sorry for being so bad." and he forced me to say it. i had no choice. i had no option. it hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I had to. I had to say it. I had to say, "I'm sorry for being bad, Daddy. I'm so sorry." and keep apologizing until he thought it was enough or he wouldn't stop hurting me. Suddenly, I realized that he did that A LOT - I just hadn't been able to face that part until now.
I really can't say WHY that's so relieving, just yet. I just know that now I have a reason why I've felt so guilty for so long. Why I've felt like I was responsible. Why I feel the urge to apologize nonstop when I feel threatened or flash back, even if I've done nothing wrong.
And today, for the first time, I looked at a picture of me as a kid about that age and actually felt happy to see her. I saw her as sweet and good instead of evil and bad. Instead of wishing I could kill her, I actually wanted to hug her. This is HUGE!!!
I don't know if it will really make any difference to any of you... but it's HUMONGOUS for me - so I just had to share.
I've changed my avatar from the tears picture to the picture i saw today of me, so you all can see her too. I'm allowing her to come out of hiding, because I've finally realized it really IS NOT her fault.
And that is SUCH a relief.
Thanks for letting me share,
AngieSue
I have been struggling with a lot of guilt lately. Feeling like it was all my fault. I know that there was no way I could have fought my father off - he started when I was soooooooooooooooo little and it just got progressively worse - I was completely powerless - but yet I have felt major guilt pangs with each and every terrible flashback and they've been VERY bad lately... also, those I vent to have been getting upset with me because everytime I go through one of my episodes I've apologized like crazy without being able to stop and it drives them crazy when i do that - they keep reminding me it wasn't my fault but i just haven't been able to believe it... to the point that the majority of my anger has been at my childhood self rather than at my father... can't even look at my own face without boiling over with anger and pain... it's been bad.
well, i finally figured out what was the problem. in the recovering of my memories, i had another new one today...(here comes the intense part, if you can't handle details, i need to warn you to stop reading now.)
when my father abused me, most of the time he would tell me, "you're a bad little girl. a very, very, very bad girl. if you were a good girl, this wouldn't happen to you. you are a bad girl. this is what being bad feels like." And he would grab a very personal part of me that is incredibly sensitive and pinch and twist and cause enough pain to make me see stars and not be able to fight back. These memories have been very vivid and have come back in a major way... but today, today the memory continued beyond that point. Before, I would never get past that moment, just be overwhelmed with severe pain and go into a panic attack and such and find myself running full force away from it. Today, it continued to what happened next. He was grabbing and causing severe pain and he put his face in mine, and with clenched teeth, pinched harder to where i could barely breathe and said, "when you are bad, you have to say your sorry. say your sorry for being so bad." and he forced me to say it. i had no choice. i had no option. it hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I had to. I had to say it. I had to say, "I'm sorry for being bad, Daddy. I'm so sorry." and keep apologizing until he thought it was enough or he wouldn't stop hurting me. Suddenly, I realized that he did that A LOT - I just hadn't been able to face that part until now.
I really can't say WHY that's so relieving, just yet. I just know that now I have a reason why I've felt so guilty for so long. Why I've felt like I was responsible. Why I feel the urge to apologize nonstop when I feel threatened or flash back, even if I've done nothing wrong.
And today, for the first time, I looked at a picture of me as a kid about that age and actually felt happy to see her. I saw her as sweet and good instead of evil and bad. Instead of wishing I could kill her, I actually wanted to hug her. This is HUGE!!!
I don't know if it will really make any difference to any of you... but it's HUMONGOUS for me - so I just had to share.
I've changed my avatar from the tears picture to the picture i saw today of me, so you all can see her too. I'm allowing her to come out of hiding, because I've finally realized it really IS NOT her fault.
And that is SUCH a relief.
Thanks for letting me share,
AngieSue
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A huge concept to consider...
Okay, coming here to hash out a concept a friend of mine just said to me. It makes a lot of sense but it's difficult to wrap my brain around. So I thought if I came here to blog about it, maybe it would become more clear and absorbable. It's very good.
Let me just begin by saying that this last week has been very intense as far as flashbacks and such go and more than incredibly difficult - there are not words to describe how hard it's been and how painful. If my counselor and my good friends that know better about these things didn't keep telling me otherwise, I'd say I was completely going off the deep end. It's been really bad.
Part of my difficulty has been that my counselor tells me so adamantly that the only way to overcome this stuff and get past it is NOT to fight the flashbacks - to let them come and to feel every bit of everything associated with them so it will come OUT and be done with. Makes logical sense. But NOT to fight flashbacks of the most traumatic things you can imagine?! Easier said than done.
So I was talking with a friend from the online support group that I joined and she said something that made me think. She said that I have the ability to fight back in a different way - that there is a power I hold that he never could. Of course, she had my full attention with that kind of announcement...
"Love" she said. She went on to explain that it's obvious that all the things he said about me and called me were very wrong and that it could be proved in my life now. That proof of that was in the fact that God trusted me with a family and children and friends and a church and a calling and so much more. That God's love and the love of those around me could be used as proof to defeat all of my father's lies and to restore my heart.
I'm still not entirely sure how that will help me through the flashbacks and such in a practical way, but I sure do like the concept. So I'm just getting it down here so that:
1 - I can reinforce the concept in my head.
and
2 - So I don't forget.
I have a feeling that if I can really wrap my head around this one, that we're in for some MAJOR progress...
Let me just begin by saying that this last week has been very intense as far as flashbacks and such go and more than incredibly difficult - there are not words to describe how hard it's been and how painful. If my counselor and my good friends that know better about these things didn't keep telling me otherwise, I'd say I was completely going off the deep end. It's been really bad.
Part of my difficulty has been that my counselor tells me so adamantly that the only way to overcome this stuff and get past it is NOT to fight the flashbacks - to let them come and to feel every bit of everything associated with them so it will come OUT and be done with. Makes logical sense. But NOT to fight flashbacks of the most traumatic things you can imagine?! Easier said than done.
So I was talking with a friend from the online support group that I joined and she said something that made me think. She said that I have the ability to fight back in a different way - that there is a power I hold that he never could. Of course, she had my full attention with that kind of announcement...
"Love" she said. She went on to explain that it's obvious that all the things he said about me and called me were very wrong and that it could be proved in my life now. That proof of that was in the fact that God trusted me with a family and children and friends and a church and a calling and so much more. That God's love and the love of those around me could be used as proof to defeat all of my father's lies and to restore my heart.
I'm still not entirely sure how that will help me through the flashbacks and such in a practical way, but I sure do like the concept. So I'm just getting it down here so that:
1 - I can reinforce the concept in my head.
and
2 - So I don't forget.
I have a feeling that if I can really wrap my head around this one, that we're in for some MAJOR progress...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Praise Report
I am learning to be thankful for the little things - they are all I have right now. So here is a praise report for something that most people would seem small but it's a big deal for me:
I actually slept last night - 7 1/2 wonderful hours.
It's been far too long since that happened. I really needed it. So I just had to share. Praise God!
I actually slept last night - 7 1/2 wonderful hours.
It's been far too long since that happened. I really needed it. So I just had to share. Praise God!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Alone
How could anyone understand?
I don't even get it.
How do I expect anyone to believe me?
I don't want to believe it myself.
How does something like this happen?
How do you pick up the pieces?
How do I recover? How is that possible?
They tell me that I will heal.
That this can be overcome.
I don't see how.
The pain is so intense.
The rejection still defines me.
I am defiled. I can't get clean.
Logic doesn't help.
I know all the "right" answers.
But when it all slows down
And I'm all by myself
I am so alone.
It all floods in.
reminding me of how
hopeless it all is.
And no one understands.
And I'm right back where I started.
The progress I so long to see has got to happen.
God promises it.
I just can't wait until it also applies
when I'm all alone.
I don't even get it.
How do I expect anyone to believe me?
I don't want to believe it myself.
How does something like this happen?
How do you pick up the pieces?
How do I recover? How is that possible?
They tell me that I will heal.
That this can be overcome.
I don't see how.
The pain is so intense.
The rejection still defines me.
I am defiled. I can't get clean.
Logic doesn't help.
I know all the "right" answers.
But when it all slows down
And I'm all by myself
I am so alone.
It all floods in.
reminding me of how
hopeless it all is.
And no one understands.
And I'm right back where I started.
The progress I so long to see has got to happen.
God promises it.
I just can't wait until it also applies
when I'm all alone.
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