so i am sitting in my living room, the kids are spending the night with grandma and i'm here watching tv with my hubby. he's happy as a clam with the remote, the tv and a good book. i'm freaking out silently.
i'm imagining snakes and spiders in my laundry room. heart attacks or car crashes involving my children. cancer. who knows what. just WAITING for the other shoe to drop even in the midst of a perfectly fine evening.
WHAT IS STINKING WRONG WITH ME??? AM I GOING INSANE OR WHAT???
or maybe the nightmares are just affecting me in the day too - this is the kind of stuff i'd deal with in one.
idk. but for the record, it stinks. i wish my heart would stop pounding...
Saturday, June 12, 2010
nightmares
stupid nightmares. every night i have them. one of two kinds:
one - personal disasters (such as fires, floods, nazi's, etc) where i lose everything and everyone i care about and face life threatening situations.
or two - enduring abuse and rape. who, when and how differs, but the ending is always the same - can't get free no matter how hard i try and someone slimy and despicable hurts me in the most personal way possible.
last night was both. combined with yesterday's migraine. today i am shaken and sad and still sore in my head and neck.
i wish they would go away.
one - personal disasters (such as fires, floods, nazi's, etc) where i lose everything and everyone i care about and face life threatening situations.
or two - enduring abuse and rape. who, when and how differs, but the ending is always the same - can't get free no matter how hard i try and someone slimy and despicable hurts me in the most personal way possible.
last night was both. combined with yesterday's migraine. today i am shaken and sad and still sore in my head and neck.
i wish they would go away.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
why
ok - i know i should be over this by now. but a friend posed some very good questions and i wanted to mull over the topic again.
what i know: he was sick - two t's have called him a sociopath, comparing him to ted bundy and others. i know he grew up in a strict, disciplinary environment and that he went crazy when he got to college - that rebellion and alcoholism was his thing when i was born. i know he wanted a boy and so never bonded with me - instead irritated that i was in his way. i know that the rebellion and alcoholism were also paired with a huge power fixation and all increased as i hit puberty. but none of those things except the sociopath thing can explain how the man could have drugged, raped, and tortured (literally) his own flesh and blood for a decade or so...
what i think: he truly was psychotic and sociopathic. that it began as following his own father's actions (or maybe being forced to?) as he grew up under his father's leadership in the masonic group in his area that just so happened (proved by their website) to be fixated on torture methods and outcomes. but then, how did he have two sisters that seemed to come out fine? idk...
there truly has to be something incredibly wrong with someone who will build and design tools of torture and offer his own daughter up to not only his own experimentation but to a group's evil ideals and terrible plans... regularly.
i think he had to be different from the average abuser because it was so involved and planned and so ritualistic. not that i want to excuse others who abuse but this was way over the top.
he still had opportunity to get help. he could have made it right. but he threw that away. all the way to his self imposed death and the letter that came with it, he intentionally spit on my existence and chose never to love or show kindness. who knows how many other girls suffered at the hands of him and his group.
all i ever wanted was his love. his care. gosh, i even would have endured it all just for a smile and a hug...
a friend of mine endured similar except that she found the strength to escape. unfortunately, all the pain made enough impact that she got into some bad stuff and behaviours in getting free. i still admire her for taking the chance to get out. it's a terrifying existence and something no human being should ever have to live thru. but no matter what she had to endure to get free, she DID find a way to begin her healing. and so did i.
i dont know that i will ever understand the why's completely. or that i'll ever truly be able to let go of them. but we (my friend and i - and many others) are on our way to healing and fighting to gain ground, even a centemeter at a time. i have to believe those efforts count for something... dont y'all?
what i know: he was sick - two t's have called him a sociopath, comparing him to ted bundy and others. i know he grew up in a strict, disciplinary environment and that he went crazy when he got to college - that rebellion and alcoholism was his thing when i was born. i know he wanted a boy and so never bonded with me - instead irritated that i was in his way. i know that the rebellion and alcoholism were also paired with a huge power fixation and all increased as i hit puberty. but none of those things except the sociopath thing can explain how the man could have drugged, raped, and tortured (literally) his own flesh and blood for a decade or so...
what i think: he truly was psychotic and sociopathic. that it began as following his own father's actions (or maybe being forced to?) as he grew up under his father's leadership in the masonic group in his area that just so happened (proved by their website) to be fixated on torture methods and outcomes. but then, how did he have two sisters that seemed to come out fine? idk...
there truly has to be something incredibly wrong with someone who will build and design tools of torture and offer his own daughter up to not only his own experimentation but to a group's evil ideals and terrible plans... regularly.
i think he had to be different from the average abuser because it was so involved and planned and so ritualistic. not that i want to excuse others who abuse but this was way over the top.
he still had opportunity to get help. he could have made it right. but he threw that away. all the way to his self imposed death and the letter that came with it, he intentionally spit on my existence and chose never to love or show kindness. who knows how many other girls suffered at the hands of him and his group.
all i ever wanted was his love. his care. gosh, i even would have endured it all just for a smile and a hug...
a friend of mine endured similar except that she found the strength to escape. unfortunately, all the pain made enough impact that she got into some bad stuff and behaviours in getting free. i still admire her for taking the chance to get out. it's a terrifying existence and something no human being should ever have to live thru. but no matter what she had to endure to get free, she DID find a way to begin her healing. and so did i.
i dont know that i will ever understand the why's completely. or that i'll ever truly be able to let go of them. but we (my friend and i - and many others) are on our way to healing and fighting to gain ground, even a centemeter at a time. i have to believe those efforts count for something... dont y'all?
Monday, June 7, 2010
Pain in the Nursery
ok so i quit everything but the church nursery, serving once a month. till suzie (*name change) came it has been fine. working with a partner and only for 90 minutes a month it's been doable and even enjoyable.
but when suzie's family joined the church it got extremely difficult to serve. she looks just like little me. has the same demeanor. the same type of mannerisms. and she's the same age i was when the abuse began.
that's enough to be triggering already. it was difficult to be in the same room with her. she's so little. so vulnerable. so much a reminder just how helpless i was. flashbacks galore with little suzie in my care.
well this past wednesday did it for me. her parents changed how they were potty training her (yes she wears little pink panties like i did - no more pullups - she's not exactly modest and they put her in short little skirts). anyway, they insisted we make her go. MAKE her go no matter how she protests, they said.
so the time came to make her go. of course she didnt want to. but instead of refusing and just being stubborn like a normal kid, she had to do what i would have done... she ran and hid under a piece of furniture and hollered and screamed, "no, no, no! i'll go when i get home! i'll go when i get home!"
her mommy had been so clear - MAKE her go - so i had to move the furniture and pull her out kicking and screaming and get her to the bathroom. she DID go, and my other survivor friends say i did nothing wrong, but i feel like i became my father in that moment.
little me is so betrayed and very much upset - sooooooooo shaken up. inside me she is screaming and hollering and crying and pitching a fit, just like little suzie. and in my heart, i betrayed her.
i told the nursery director i'm not doing that again and i need out of the nursery. she understood and said she'd speak to the mommy about not expecting that out of our workers. but i just can't go back there with little suzie again.
that's why i cant work with kids at all till i can get stable. the voices in my head are VERY upset and my world is spinning like crazy. if i'm not DID, i'm going insane... i dont deserve to be anywhere near kids while i go thru this.
:( :( :(
but when suzie's family joined the church it got extremely difficult to serve. she looks just like little me. has the same demeanor. the same type of mannerisms. and she's the same age i was when the abuse began.
that's enough to be triggering already. it was difficult to be in the same room with her. she's so little. so vulnerable. so much a reminder just how helpless i was. flashbacks galore with little suzie in my care.
well this past wednesday did it for me. her parents changed how they were potty training her (yes she wears little pink panties like i did - no more pullups - she's not exactly modest and they put her in short little skirts). anyway, they insisted we make her go. MAKE her go no matter how she protests, they said.
so the time came to make her go. of course she didnt want to. but instead of refusing and just being stubborn like a normal kid, she had to do what i would have done... she ran and hid under a piece of furniture and hollered and screamed, "no, no, no! i'll go when i get home! i'll go when i get home!"
her mommy had been so clear - MAKE her go - so i had to move the furniture and pull her out kicking and screaming and get her to the bathroom. she DID go, and my other survivor friends say i did nothing wrong, but i feel like i became my father in that moment.
little me is so betrayed and very much upset - sooooooooo shaken up. inside me she is screaming and hollering and crying and pitching a fit, just like little suzie. and in my heart, i betrayed her.
i told the nursery director i'm not doing that again and i need out of the nursery. she understood and said she'd speak to the mommy about not expecting that out of our workers. but i just can't go back there with little suzie again.
that's why i cant work with kids at all till i can get stable. the voices in my head are VERY upset and my world is spinning like crazy. if i'm not DID, i'm going insane... i dont deserve to be anywhere near kids while i go thru this.
:( :( :(
Random Thoughts
it's summer. the kids are out of school. i have time with them, which is wonderful, i love my children, but for the next two months, i have no alone time either. no venting. no crying it out. no thinking my way back to sanity. no ability to deal with the flashbacks and stuff. that's scary and very hard. like my world is spinning all the time.
still being terribly triggered, having regular flashbacks, and dreaming just about every night. that alone is exhausting. i find myself spending more and more time just hiding in my bed, unable to deal with the world. but...
am glad to have finally found a counselor tho that listens and cares and actually helps. she's teaching me coping skills to deal with this stuff. helping me cope. and, for the first time in my life, even tho i'm still struggling, i can honestly say that i have enough hope to not think suicidally. that's a HUGE step for me. and i am more and more able to talk because she "gets me".
she told me she thinks i probably have DID. this worries me. not that i think she's wrong, she's probably right, i just am afraid of the label causing a problem with my work with children. i have taken time off from everything to do with them while i'm unstable, but eventually i want to be able to get better enough to go back. my heart breaks for them - the kids who are hurting and/or being hurt. and i'm compelled to do SOMETHING. and i dont want my background to stop me from that. i truly have a big place in my heart for those kids and i dont see how i should be disqualified from helping them because i belong to that same category they come from. difference will be i will have healed and have the strength to reach out and share what i've learned. because i "get it" for them too. idk. just am afraid of the label.
anyway, i guess this post is getting too scatterbrained. signing off for now.
next post: what happened that caused me to step out of working with kids
still being terribly triggered, having regular flashbacks, and dreaming just about every night. that alone is exhausting. i find myself spending more and more time just hiding in my bed, unable to deal with the world. but...
am glad to have finally found a counselor tho that listens and cares and actually helps. she's teaching me coping skills to deal with this stuff. helping me cope. and, for the first time in my life, even tho i'm still struggling, i can honestly say that i have enough hope to not think suicidally. that's a HUGE step for me. and i am more and more able to talk because she "gets me".
she told me she thinks i probably have DID. this worries me. not that i think she's wrong, she's probably right, i just am afraid of the label causing a problem with my work with children. i have taken time off from everything to do with them while i'm unstable, but eventually i want to be able to get better enough to go back. my heart breaks for them - the kids who are hurting and/or being hurt. and i'm compelled to do SOMETHING. and i dont want my background to stop me from that. i truly have a big place in my heart for those kids and i dont see how i should be disqualified from helping them because i belong to that same category they come from. difference will be i will have healed and have the strength to reach out and share what i've learned. because i "get it" for them too. idk. just am afraid of the label.
anyway, i guess this post is getting too scatterbrained. signing off for now.
next post: what happened that caused me to step out of working with kids
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Catching up
ok so it's been an awful long time since i blogged. i'd start with all the apologies and guilt, but you know what? it's MY blog, not anyone else's so i'm going to dispense with the guilt and get back to using this site for the purpose it was made...
So... uh.... have been in the hospital twice for suicidal stuff once in November '09 and once in March '10. i seem to have gotten past that for the most part. so glad.
have dealt with differing diagnoses, the most disturbingly accurate of which is probable DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder - formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder). wow that kinda changed my world up quite a bit...
have much more to write - will try again tomorrow when i've had some rest. my night meds are kicking in and i need the sleep
bye for now
So... uh.... have been in the hospital twice for suicidal stuff once in November '09 and once in March '10. i seem to have gotten past that for the most part. so glad.
have dealt with differing diagnoses, the most disturbingly accurate of which is probable DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder - formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder). wow that kinda changed my world up quite a bit...
have much more to write - will try again tomorrow when i've had some rest. my night meds are kicking in and i need the sleep
bye for now
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