angry

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longing

have spent the evening reading up on DID and it's consequences and how God sees me. wishing for a place to discuss this with someone but feeling alone. so much to process but so few words... going to bed now - will think again in the morning.

more

ok so i'm not done posting. hehehe - i just posted like thirty seconds ago and i have more to say. idk if it's silly - well actually it's not but who cares... where IS everyone lately? nobody is on IM on MSN or on Yahoo and nobody is on chat in my support group places and nobody is here - no one has commented in ages - i think i depressed all my readers into their own places of doom - i have no idea but its 10 am and people should be up and around and stuff. it's like the whole world got jobs and left and i feel like it's two am and i want to be silly gosh darnit but i have no one to be silly with and this is the longest craziest runon sentence i've typed in a very long time. yeah, i should be done posting but now my fingers are happy because i'm typing as fast as i'm thinking and it's fun to watch my fingers wiggle on the keyboard and watch the words appearingn while i'm typing random stuff. the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. yeah - go me. ok maybe i CAN type silliness like my friend she-who-yawns-like-great-puppy. alright - off to do something else now. that was fun I MISS EVERYONE - COME BACK SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

a bit of silliness

ok so i just read a friend's blog with a bit of silliness. i wish i could blog like that. i have such a hard time thinking of silly things to say that they just kind of fall flat and come out as stupid. no worries tho i'm not in a mood to self bash today - i'm feeling very good and dont want to ruin it. :) so a random joke - a scientist interviews a penguin - ok yes, that's random - and the penguin says all they eat is fish and that fish have no fiber so penguin's are all constipated and that's why they walk that way. idk if that's funny to anyone else but picturing them waddling and that it's because they are constipated makes me giggle. so there's my hats off to my dear friend who shared silliness with me today - you know who you are :)

ahhhh - that's better! :-)

so i'm back, as promised, to talk more about this past week. it began with a get together i had been dreading - a time with a new friend of whom i am wary because of her current philosophy of life that differs from my own and her own admittance to lying at times in order to get her own way. nevertheless, i went ahead to meet with her and found myself, surprisingly, drawn to tell her about what happened to me. she agreed to listen and i found myself revealing details of the ritual abuse and of its frequency and severity. afterwards (the next afternoon), i dealt with the programming consequences - the panic attack that followed the telling - and vented with a dear dear friend who was willing to let me go on about how life wasnt worth living unitl i was able to finish venting and overcome those feelings. amazingly, instead of taking months or weeks (as in the past) to recover from such a telling, it was hours instead. i fell asleep exhausted that night. then, i went to therapy. again, drawn to tell. again, moved to share some of the worst parts of the ritual abuse. and of the brainwashing messages that were reinforced with such pain. and again - hours to recover. but before the night was out, i found myself AGAIN sharing details... this time with my best f2f friend. something is different. this time the telling was simpler. easier. not numb but not with the overwhelming emotion either. and i was able to fall into a deep restful sleep without nightmares. something is defintely different. this time, this whole week, the telling is coming with relief. i mentioned in my brief post earlier, this is like having vomitted up what is the worst of causing me harm and now that it's out, it feels amazingly better. dont get me wrong. i'm weak and shaky and exhausted - it's been an enormous load of work to have done all this, but i finally. finally... FINALLY am beginning to find the relief in telling that i've been longing for. and it's amazing. also, i feel more clear about what i want/need to do from here in order to continue the work. all i can say is wow. wow wow wow. praise God for progress. real, measurable, feel-able progress. it wasnt my fault. i'm so glad.

feeling better

have spoken a truckload of information over the last five days. feeling so much better. will post more in the morning but i feel like when there's something that disagrees with you and you are able to vomit it up and then there is relief. i know that's not a pretty picture but it's so much the way i feel - exhausted relief. more to follow tomorrow. g'night.

ready to "let it go"?

dont know what to title this. just feeling the need to write a bit.

still feeling the sad. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy sad. the more i read everything says just let it go and life will be good... but i keep TRYING to let it go and life is not. i dont get it. it seeks ME out. not the other way around. i wish there were a way to scream my story to the people who actually care. people who would hold me and let me cry. people who would understand my pain and validate my feelings. people that would feel righteously indignant at my abusers' actions and come up with brilliant ways to help others not to suffer similar scenarios. and simultaneously "let it go" (whatever that means) so that i could really be free from it and it would STOP replaying 24/7 in my head.

i woke up screaming last night. standard nightmare. but the worst part is that screaming is progress. until last night, i'd always been mute in my dreams - i finally could move and scream and i did. but it gets old really fast. i mean, how pathetic is it that i consider waking up screaming from a nightmare progress...?

i'm just so sick of all of it. and so tired of feeling all alone. i wish it would all be over. so so much. and yeah, the suicidal thoughts ARE back. i find myself thinking of it way too often. they are under control, i'll be a good girl and not try anything stupid, i just wish it didnt hurt so bad with no recourse in sight.

i hate this. :(

been reading David Pelzer books

so i've been reading David Pelzer's books. I finished - A Child Called "It" - and - A Man Named Dave - and am now beginning - Help Yourself.

i have to admit that they have been very challenging reading because his story carries levels of abuse comparable to mine. but he managed to make something of himself regardless of his past and i am determined also to do the same.

but for today, the sad is debilitating. i just cannot comprehend how a parent can do this - participate in this - and SHARE this level of abuse and not be instantaneously vaporized or something. a dear dear friend of mine is also facing the same levels of sad in her life but her's comes with anger that wishes for vengence - or at the very least, justice. i feel for her so much because i understand. i may be crippled when it comes to anger, but i appreciate her ability to feel it because it's true - it's just flat out WRONG that these people - so many people!!! - these "people" are allowed to continue to exist is revolting!

i wish i had a place to tell my story where people would feel anger like that over what happened to my friend and me - and to David - and all the others. people dont listen. they dont get it. i wish they would. i wish for once the anger that my friend feels would be felt in our honor for our abusers - anger that causes people to act and change the world. to make a difference for the children who are suffering today and who will suffer tomorrow if something isnt done.

in the mean time, i made it out of bed and out of the house to do an errand today. didnt manage to bathe first so i really didnt want to see people, but had to see them anyway. and managed to get stranded in the process. so had to depend on God's mercy and people's pity to get me out of a very dangerous situation this afternoon. am safe now tho. and home again. sitting here on my couch wishing i'd not gotten out of bed today. feeling the sad wash over me wave upon wave. wishing i didnt feel so very...

alone.

sad

yup. that's about it. i'm sad.

progress is being made. i'm going from twice a week to twice a month in therapy. my therapist says i've gone from victim to survivor to thriver. the flashbacks and nightmares are backing way off and everything is good.

yippee skippy.

so why do i feel like everything in all the world is falling apart. i cant shake the sad. the deep, sinking, drowning feeling of depression that quietly sucks me under and i can no longer breathe. nothing is bringing me pleasure. all i want to do is cry and sleep. i have absolutely no reason to feel this way but i wish i were dead and life were over.

please pray for me. i just no longer care. i cant cry out for help because there is nothing to be rescued from. nothing but this life crushing, soul grinding, never ending sad. sad for the childhood i never had. sad for the love i never got. sad sad sad sad sad sad sad.

:((

post without a point

so life has been crazy lately. i was hurting so so so so badly. then i got the flu. flu was a blessing because it allowed me to sleep, which i desperately needed. you know it's bad when you're happy you're sick. idk exactly how to describe what i am feeling today. it's been a good day overall. got stuff accomplished and had a relatively flashback and sickness free day. i still have plenty of residual sad but there's also a budding thankfulness for the good swirled in. i went kayaking with a friend on tuesday and it did me good to have a little adventure. it was time. idk. just not sure what to say. it's like there's two parallel lives happening. the sad one and the ok one and i feel like there will be a merger in the future but i have no clue what that will be like. i guess for now all i wish for is to sleep without coughing. ok. there. i posted. and no, i have no clue the point i wanted to make. just needed to post.