'nother update. still riding the emotional roller coaster. just is less chaotic. had a good day yesterday and am still doing better today. the new meds they put me on are helping me to be more myself and allowing me to sleep at night and it's making a wonderful difference.
still struggling during down times but regardless, am still doing better than before.
praise God
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
her
her. the other side of me. little me. no - no - no - no - not me! HER.
i can see her in my mind's eye. she has brown, straight, shoulder length hair, big brown eyes and a child's body. about 7 years old. she is sleepwalking. standing at the foot of her parents' brown wood waterbed. i have no memory of this. simply a picture and an explanation - a story i was told that i now repeat. but the face in the picture - it's hers. mine from then. staring blankly off into space.
she doesnt know. she is oblivious to the world. just there. red velvet robe. i remember that robe - its soft texture and the silly way the zipper didnt go all the way to the bottom like a regular robe, you had to step into it. long soft sleeves with ruffles on the shoulders. typical for the early 80's. she is unaware she is to fall in love with a puppy only to lose it. she is unaware of anything. she's sound asleep. yet walking.
i want to holler at her. to scream, to yell, to shake her. wake up! wake up! but she doesnt have a clue. she doesnt know. i am jealous of that deep sleep - walking or not, as i sit here after midnight typing thoughts instead of catching z's. been thinking a lot tonight. mainly how different and separate we are - she and i.
my son is 8 now. just had a birthday - only slightly older then she was - right about there anyway. god, i know the expectations i put on that little girl are outrageous. a dear friend of mine that's also a survivor, talking to her about the same issue in her life, made me realize how much i expected is unreasonable and what a terrible position for someone so young to face...
yeah, i know... am rambling... just using this safe place to vent again. to think.
what do i want from her? i want her not to have endured that. i want the memories of that awful table to be gone - for it not to be real. and so i fight this war. i am so so so so so so so angry with her for surviving, for doing whatever it took to live but never making it stop or getting help. and she returns that anger with child like indignation only a little kid can muster. i left her. i left her there on that table. with the shadow people. or on the bathroom floor at home. i left her. i threw everything on her shoulders and headed out and left her alone to face it. face him. them.
we both want one another dead. got me a trip to the hospital last week. yep. psych ward. no - not kidding. turned out a lot of the problem was my meds. they changed them up 'cause i had a bad mix. but still - even now, her weakness still is costing me time, energy, help and hope. i cant feel anything good for her because all i see when i look at her is a mousey, quiet, weak little girl who complied without question and never stopped it.
god, it was awful. so so much to go thru. i know the next step in the journey is accepting her. just have no clue how. i see with my logical head it was him but when it all comes down to it, i still hold her accountable.
how could she possibly have allowed it?
ugh. i hate her.
i can see her in my mind's eye. she has brown, straight, shoulder length hair, big brown eyes and a child's body. about 7 years old. she is sleepwalking. standing at the foot of her parents' brown wood waterbed. i have no memory of this. simply a picture and an explanation - a story i was told that i now repeat. but the face in the picture - it's hers. mine from then. staring blankly off into space.
she doesnt know. she is oblivious to the world. just there. red velvet robe. i remember that robe - its soft texture and the silly way the zipper didnt go all the way to the bottom like a regular robe, you had to step into it. long soft sleeves with ruffles on the shoulders. typical for the early 80's. she is unaware she is to fall in love with a puppy only to lose it. she is unaware of anything. she's sound asleep. yet walking.
i want to holler at her. to scream, to yell, to shake her. wake up! wake up! but she doesnt have a clue. she doesnt know. i am jealous of that deep sleep - walking or not, as i sit here after midnight typing thoughts instead of catching z's. been thinking a lot tonight. mainly how different and separate we are - she and i.
my son is 8 now. just had a birthday - only slightly older then she was - right about there anyway. god, i know the expectations i put on that little girl are outrageous. a dear friend of mine that's also a survivor, talking to her about the same issue in her life, made me realize how much i expected is unreasonable and what a terrible position for someone so young to face...
yeah, i know... am rambling... just using this safe place to vent again. to think.
what do i want from her? i want her not to have endured that. i want the memories of that awful table to be gone - for it not to be real. and so i fight this war. i am so so so so so so so angry with her for surviving, for doing whatever it took to live but never making it stop or getting help. and she returns that anger with child like indignation only a little kid can muster. i left her. i left her there on that table. with the shadow people. or on the bathroom floor at home. i left her. i threw everything on her shoulders and headed out and left her alone to face it. face him. them.
we both want one another dead. got me a trip to the hospital last week. yep. psych ward. no - not kidding. turned out a lot of the problem was my meds. they changed them up 'cause i had a bad mix. but still - even now, her weakness still is costing me time, energy, help and hope. i cant feel anything good for her because all i see when i look at her is a mousey, quiet, weak little girl who complied without question and never stopped it.
god, it was awful. so so much to go thru. i know the next step in the journey is accepting her. just have no clue how. i see with my logical head it was him but when it all comes down to it, i still hold her accountable.
how could she possibly have allowed it?
ugh. i hate her.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
what a difference
been a while since i posted. been battling hard. wont' lie - the suicidal and self harming urges kind of kicked my butt for a while. was sinking down and sinking fast. friday a week ago, i finally got the courage to tell my therapist how bad it was getting. but she didnt understand, i dont think, because i didnt get the help i needed from her. i left her office very frustrated and went straight to the store to buy me another blade (i had given the first one away to a friend because i didnt feel safe from myself after i told so much in therapy the week before). anyway, intent was to use it to express the extreme levels of emotions i had going on because i was just flat out overwhelmed. did NOT use it tho. :-)
battled HARD HARD HARD all weekend. talked to friends. prayed. slept. anything i could think of to keep safe. managed, but still was hurting super super bad. was like being sucked down into quicksand. the harder i tried to get free, the worse it got. by tuesday it was so bad i found myself formulating a plan to end it all. just couldnt see or think straight i hurt so badly. so i finally told my husband and a couple of close friends. ended up going into the psych hospital on suicide watch. this was a HUGE step for me because i was deathly afraid of those places. kinda seems silly typing it, but it was real and terrifying to me. was believing what my abusers said - if i ever told i'd get locked away in a hospital where awful things happen and where bad people have all the control. to me, going to the psych hospital was equivalent to walking back into the abuse.
but, praise God, it wasnt true. they took good care of me there. i told them how afraid i was. i told them how desperately i needed help. God gave me the courage to tell them straight up how much i hurt and what all i was going through. turns out that what was happening wasn't what i thought. turns out that i had a bad mix of medicines and that THAT was what was causing so much of the problems i was dealing with. so they took me off the one med that was causing so much of this and put me on a different one that still had the effect i needed but also worked to combat the spiral i was dealing with.
feel so much myself again. have slept through the night three nights in a row now. the world is no longer spinning out of control in my heart or screaming so loudly in my ears. i can breathe again. and best of all, i feel more myself then i have in ages. have only had a few of flashbacks since i started it on Wednesday (before, i was having them up to 3 or 4 in an hour). have had zero nightmares and also no panic attacks. is incredible the difference.
the best part? i am me again. i can think clearly. i can feel the good things again. i can be myself and not be crushed by all of the pain so much. yeah, i still have a lot to deal with, and i will continue to push on. but its just so so good to not feel like its all taking over anymore. watched a movie with my kids and didnt' black out once. am typing this post and havent lost concentration or needed to break down and cry... just amazing the difference. AND... turns out people don't hate or judge me for feeling so badly. those who know are so so supportive.
so - have faced a huge phobia due to the lies i was told, and won. have gotten the help i needed so much. have put husband on the same page as far as what am going thru. and have found my old self again. even praying is easier. hope abounds.
so praise God! He is so so faithful!
just wanted to update everyone. love to you all and thank you so much for your prayers.
battled HARD HARD HARD all weekend. talked to friends. prayed. slept. anything i could think of to keep safe. managed, but still was hurting super super bad. was like being sucked down into quicksand. the harder i tried to get free, the worse it got. by tuesday it was so bad i found myself formulating a plan to end it all. just couldnt see or think straight i hurt so badly. so i finally told my husband and a couple of close friends. ended up going into the psych hospital on suicide watch. this was a HUGE step for me because i was deathly afraid of those places. kinda seems silly typing it, but it was real and terrifying to me. was believing what my abusers said - if i ever told i'd get locked away in a hospital where awful things happen and where bad people have all the control. to me, going to the psych hospital was equivalent to walking back into the abuse.
but, praise God, it wasnt true. they took good care of me there. i told them how afraid i was. i told them how desperately i needed help. God gave me the courage to tell them straight up how much i hurt and what all i was going through. turns out that what was happening wasn't what i thought. turns out that i had a bad mix of medicines and that THAT was what was causing so much of the problems i was dealing with. so they took me off the one med that was causing so much of this and put me on a different one that still had the effect i needed but also worked to combat the spiral i was dealing with.
feel so much myself again. have slept through the night three nights in a row now. the world is no longer spinning out of control in my heart or screaming so loudly in my ears. i can breathe again. and best of all, i feel more myself then i have in ages. have only had a few of flashbacks since i started it on Wednesday (before, i was having them up to 3 or 4 in an hour). have had zero nightmares and also no panic attacks. is incredible the difference.
the best part? i am me again. i can think clearly. i can feel the good things again. i can be myself and not be crushed by all of the pain so much. yeah, i still have a lot to deal with, and i will continue to push on. but its just so so good to not feel like its all taking over anymore. watched a movie with my kids and didnt' black out once. am typing this post and havent lost concentration or needed to break down and cry... just amazing the difference. AND... turns out people don't hate or judge me for feeling so badly. those who know are so so supportive.
so - have faced a huge phobia due to the lies i was told, and won. have gotten the help i needed so much. have put husband on the same page as far as what am going thru. and have found my old self again. even praying is easier. hope abounds.
so praise God! He is so so faithful!
just wanted to update everyone. love to you all and thank you so much for your prayers.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
the sad
i lack the word to describe the emotion in my heart
"tell how you feel, in one word" cant be done tonight
the sad is descending again.
like a heavy lead blanket
weighing me down
making it hard to move or think
how can my daddy hate me like he did
why could i not earn his love
what makes an infant deserve to be banished
or a child worth betraying
why do people not understand
"shake it off," they say,
"change your thoughts"
"busy your hands"
...nothing works
still the sad is pressing
pushing
weighing
crushing my heart
making even breathing difficult
sad is such a puny word
seems so small and simple
this is so much more than that
but i lack the word to say
and so i sit
alone
hiding
wishing for a 3D friend
someone - just one
that would really understand
and listen
and know
and hold me while i cry
while i try to release just a few of these tears
that erupt from my soul every time i turn around
that betray me when i say "i'm fine"
to those who insist i pretend
even if i had that friend, though
with arms that hold me tight
i dont know that even that
could change it
or make it go away
it's just become a part of me
a terrible part i cant name
and don't want
and yet its there
so i just call it
the sad
:(
"tell how you feel, in one word" cant be done tonight
the sad is descending again.
like a heavy lead blanket
weighing me down
making it hard to move or think
how can my daddy hate me like he did
why could i not earn his love
what makes an infant deserve to be banished
or a child worth betraying
why do people not understand
"shake it off," they say,
"change your thoughts"
"busy your hands"
...nothing works
still the sad is pressing
pushing
weighing
crushing my heart
making even breathing difficult
sad is such a puny word
seems so small and simple
this is so much more than that
but i lack the word to say
and so i sit
alone
hiding
wishing for a 3D friend
someone - just one
that would really understand
and listen
and know
and hold me while i cry
while i try to release just a few of these tears
that erupt from my soul every time i turn around
that betray me when i say "i'm fine"
to those who insist i pretend
even if i had that friend, though
with arms that hold me tight
i dont know that even that
could change it
or make it go away
it's just become a part of me
a terrible part i cant name
and don't want
and yet its there
so i just call it
the sad
:(
Saturday, November 7, 2009
wow
so - been a ridiculously hard week. here's what's new... had a failure in the si (self injury) department on monday. took a lot out on me and pretty badly - enough to not be able to hide. made seeing the dr on thursday even more scary as she was previously unaware of the si and was very afraid of the consequences for that even beyond the fear of the ordeal of the point of the double appointment as well. was a blubbering mess. shaking and crying and such so badly that she just did the procedure necessary quickly to help me get past it and calm down. was so upset that it inadvertently served as a distraction and she never even noticed the cuts, scabs scrapes, scars and bloody places or if she did she didnt say anything. in the discussion of meds (which she had no trouble adjusting - the need was obvious), she had to ask the obligatory questions, which include if i am having thoughts of harming myself. i managed to be brave and tell her about the si. certainly not in any detail that might get me locked away, but at least i was able to say so now i dont have to hide it from her and i can have more accountability and help to overcome this. truly, that is the goal. anyway. have followup appointments to check both on the medications and the cysts. so will be looked after, but for now am just way way glad that's done.
yesterday was therapy. and yes, am a glutton for punishment. went there too. as i told y'all, last week i confronted my counselor about a need for a new direction. she responded so well. i showed up with my homework (a list of things i felt needed to be covered) and she kept her end of the deal and immediately got to the point when i came in, letting me take the lead yet still helping me deal with what i had to say in a somewhat saner manner. somehow overcoming the dr thing thursday made me feel more empowered and i got a boost of courage and followed thru on what i needed to say. that is - finally beginning to reveal the darkest parts of my story. told her things i've never told another soul... certainly by no means have it all on the table, but got a lot more out there then i thought i could ever accomplish, and did it in such a short amount of time. just opened my mouth and suddenly so much came pouring out of me...
am kind of in a state of shock now. her response was very different then i anticipated. good, but still different. first off, she didnt call me a liar, run screaming from the room or call the men in the white coats to lock me away. irrational, i know, as its her job NOT to do those things, but it's a phobia i have, so it was a huge relief to see not happen. more importantly tho, she listened. she asked relevant questions. she validated my feelings and experiences. and where i had bits and pieces that made no sense at all, she helped me come to understand how such terrible things could come to be. the one thing i was not prepared for tho, was the label she attached to it all, and that she had suspected that what happened to me might fit such a label before i ever opened my mouth. i hesitate to say it, because it hurts my heart so unbearably to admit... but the point is to face and heal so, i guess it's finally time to say it...
i am a survivor of sadistic ritual abuse.
and it hurts. dear Jesus, it hurts. but i am determined not to let them win. so much so that, in order to avoid punishing myself for telling, i had friends stay with me when i was home alone last night and way tempted to do something stupid. and i gave them my blade so i cant use it again. and i've promised myself i am not going to go out and aquire another. its time for the cycle to end. i am getting help. it hurts like crazy - but it hurts even when i hide - so i might as well make progress.
alright. so that's what i wanted to say. going back to bed now. i am wiped out.
yesterday was therapy. and yes, am a glutton for punishment. went there too. as i told y'all, last week i confronted my counselor about a need for a new direction. she responded so well. i showed up with my homework (a list of things i felt needed to be covered) and she kept her end of the deal and immediately got to the point when i came in, letting me take the lead yet still helping me deal with what i had to say in a somewhat saner manner. somehow overcoming the dr thing thursday made me feel more empowered and i got a boost of courage and followed thru on what i needed to say. that is - finally beginning to reveal the darkest parts of my story. told her things i've never told another soul... certainly by no means have it all on the table, but got a lot more out there then i thought i could ever accomplish, and did it in such a short amount of time. just opened my mouth and suddenly so much came pouring out of me...
am kind of in a state of shock now. her response was very different then i anticipated. good, but still different. first off, she didnt call me a liar, run screaming from the room or call the men in the white coats to lock me away. irrational, i know, as its her job NOT to do those things, but it's a phobia i have, so it was a huge relief to see not happen. more importantly tho, she listened. she asked relevant questions. she validated my feelings and experiences. and where i had bits and pieces that made no sense at all, she helped me come to understand how such terrible things could come to be. the one thing i was not prepared for tho, was the label she attached to it all, and that she had suspected that what happened to me might fit such a label before i ever opened my mouth. i hesitate to say it, because it hurts my heart so unbearably to admit... but the point is to face and heal so, i guess it's finally time to say it...
i am a survivor of sadistic ritual abuse.
and it hurts. dear Jesus, it hurts. but i am determined not to let them win. so much so that, in order to avoid punishing myself for telling, i had friends stay with me when i was home alone last night and way tempted to do something stupid. and i gave them my blade so i cant use it again. and i've promised myself i am not going to go out and aquire another. its time for the cycle to end. i am getting help. it hurts like crazy - but it hurts even when i hide - so i might as well make progress.
alright. so that's what i wanted to say. going back to bed now. i am wiped out.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
soooooooooooo tired......
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired.
tired of the nightmares. tired of the flashbacks. tired of fighting battles. tired of having to pretend to be "fine" for the world in general - but even more so for my church. just tired of all of it.
doctors appointment to get meds adjusted thursday but have to deal with an ordeal in order to afford it. feels like everything in the world i do has to be hard.
tired of people seeing me as one big bummer pity party person. i know i'm no fun to be with - heck, i don't want to be with me! - but PLEASE WORLD! i am SO not living this nightmare ON PURPOSE!
there IS one piece of good news. finally got to desperation point, and with the help of a very good friend, managed to tell my therapist what she needed to know to get us both on the same page. so we are starting a new direction in counseling on friday. i know its going to be really hard still, but at least we'll be on the same page and working in a way that meets my needs better.
anyway, guess i just wanted to whine a bit about feeling so isolated at church and so frustrated with the whole "gotta pretend to be fine" game i feel so forced into. bad enough to battle the constant flashback memories and horrific nightmares and exhaustion and depression, but to have to look "fine" when i feel this way? it is just more than i can tolerate right now. :(
tired of the nightmares. tired of the flashbacks. tired of fighting battles. tired of having to pretend to be "fine" for the world in general - but even more so for my church. just tired of all of it.
doctors appointment to get meds adjusted thursday but have to deal with an ordeal in order to afford it. feels like everything in the world i do has to be hard.
tired of people seeing me as one big bummer pity party person. i know i'm no fun to be with - heck, i don't want to be with me! - but PLEASE WORLD! i am SO not living this nightmare ON PURPOSE!
there IS one piece of good news. finally got to desperation point, and with the help of a very good friend, managed to tell my therapist what she needed to know to get us both on the same page. so we are starting a new direction in counseling on friday. i know its going to be really hard still, but at least we'll be on the same page and working in a way that meets my needs better.
anyway, guess i just wanted to whine a bit about feeling so isolated at church and so frustrated with the whole "gotta pretend to be fine" game i feel so forced into. bad enough to battle the constant flashback memories and horrific nightmares and exhaustion and depression, but to have to look "fine" when i feel this way? it is just more than i can tolerate right now. :(
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