note to self

note to self - stay away from attics! the smell is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo triggering. ugh

confused

hey so confused. have spent the last week in flashback mode. i know it's because i'm writing my book. and that i'm going to have to ask for help if i'm going to finish it, but i'm determined to be able to do this and do it well. so i'm writing my story in detail. i have 22 pages so far. but the editing to make it reasonable to read is so difficult. ugh. on page 14 so far - but have been working on it for months. ouch. part of me says no no no no no this is not possible to have happened. and part of me says how can it not be true with all of the flashbacks and pain and stuff. i'm so so so confused. going back to bed. my only respite is hiding under the pillows and fading in and out of consciousness. ugh.

piece of what happened to me (TW!)

TRIGGER WARNING!!! when i was like 8 my father tried to drown me. it was a game. i dont know he actually meant to try to kill me, i think it was more a game of fear and control. we were all splashing in the lake and i splashed him back good. he was mad. he threw a wet towel over my head and it pushed me under, then he held me down under it till i couldnt breathe any more - ignoring my struggling - leaving me there under the water. when he finally let me up, he was laughing... laughing! i thought i was going to die and he thought it was funny. there is a picture of me storming away from him that day in my mother's memory albums. i wish i could burn it. everyone thought it was a big joke. humiliated, wet, terrified and laughed at, i stormed off to my room to cry it out alone.