Sunday, February 19, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
TRIGGER WARNING
this post contains some graphic portions of my story. if you dont want to read, please stop now, because i need to let it out.
i
am
giving
space
here
so
you
have
time
to
close
the
browser
window
without
seeing
what
comes
next.
ok. this is very important for me to get out. i need to get it out of my head and onto "paper" in a place where other people can read if they choose. so technically i'm sharing these horrible details but no one person is forced to know because of my need to tell.
here goes...
basics only, here's what happened.
1. my earliest memory (age 2ish) is of the first rapes. i have to call them rapes instead of "molestation" because legally, that's exactly what happened. i have been told labeling it for what it was will help me heal. my daddy began raping me as young as 2 years old. he was sick. it could not have been me at fault for this. there is nothing a 2 year old can do that makes it ok to rape them. not my fault. all of this happened to luv... an innocent alter of mine from that age.
2. i was six (6) when the first gang rapes began. the first memory i have of being "shared" like that is at age six. possibly five. but definitely no older than six. i was in kindergarten. this is also "coincidentally" when they started using some chemical or drug to force unconciousness AND when i first began to have seizures "for no apparent reason." there is nothing a kindergartener can do to invite gang rapes and torture. it was not my fault. all of this happened to rosie... an innocent alter of mine from that age.
3. at eight (8) years old, it spread to daytime abuse too. this is when the animal sacrifices came into play. the first one i remember was a puppy. my dog had puppies and i was told i could keep one. she was blonde (the others were all dark colors) with curls and so i named her goldilocks. i loved that pup. but she was having trouble being housetrained so my family decided to not keep her any longer. my father told my mother he was giving her away to someone else and he took me and the puppy to the woods. he let me love on her and kiss her goodbye and play with her one last time. then he left her in a playpen while he forced me to get close to orgasm until i would let my guard down and trust him. then he hurt me on my clitoris till i couldnt see. he said that my succumbing to that "pleasure" proved i was an animal, that i "wanted it" and that i deserved to die. he then mutilated the puppy with an axe until it slowly lost enough blood to die. i can still hear her crying out in pain. he told me it should have been me, not the dog. that i was lower than a dog and i needed to always remember that. that i was bad. an animal. that i deserved those levels of pain. the torture in the nights increased and other animals were used to force that same point. both me and the animals were tied and tortured. the animals all died wimpering and bleeding to death. it was always "my fault" and i was forced to apologize for being so bad and for causing all of those deaths. there was nothing i could have done to stop them from doing those things. i was lucky to have survived. the choices i was forced to make - succumbing to their touches, playing a part in those deaths, "wanting it"... none of those things were my fault. i was 8, for goodness sake. there was no "right way" to handle that and they would have done whatever they did no matter HOW i had responded. it could not have been my fault. all of this happened to ke'ev - an alter of mine from that period in time. it was not her fault. no matter how many times she endured it. no matter how many years they drew it out.
4. thirteen (13) was the worst of it. i no longer required tying to keep me in line. i gave up. when he came to my room, he didnt even have to take me out of it. i handed him my limbs to be bound. i smiled at his approach. i participated even in the parts that could have killed me. i wanted to die. i didnt fight back. even then, i was not at fault. the alter this happened to remains nameless. there was no more me at that point in my life.
5. when i was 15, he killed himself. he blamed that on me too. he had told me he was going to if i didnt comply with his demands. i tried to comply but the demands were out of reason - above and beyond the capability of any person. i failed and he kept his word. sent a letter that arrived the day after he was found shot in the head. blaming EVERYTHING on me. no person can carry the amount of guilt that was lain on me there. it held me responsible for his choices, for his acts, for his drinking, for his illness, for his dissolved marriage and for his taking of his own life. i almost lost my life trying to save his and trying to carry all that heavy heavy guilt.
none of it was my fault. i'm trying to get that into my head. i just had to try to tell a bit of what happened here to alleviate the guilt. there is nothing i could have done. he hated me from the moment he laid eyes on me but none of that could have been my fault. i am not evil.
i wish i could learn that deeper in my soul than all this pain. i want to live.
i
am
giving
space
here
so
you
have
time
to
close
the
browser
window
without
seeing
what
comes
next.
ok. this is very important for me to get out. i need to get it out of my head and onto "paper" in a place where other people can read if they choose. so technically i'm sharing these horrible details but no one person is forced to know because of my need to tell.
here goes...
basics only, here's what happened.
1. my earliest memory (age 2ish) is of the first rapes. i have to call them rapes instead of "molestation" because legally, that's exactly what happened. i have been told labeling it for what it was will help me heal. my daddy began raping me as young as 2 years old. he was sick. it could not have been me at fault for this. there is nothing a 2 year old can do that makes it ok to rape them. not my fault. all of this happened to luv... an innocent alter of mine from that age.
2. i was six (6) when the first gang rapes began. the first memory i have of being "shared" like that is at age six. possibly five. but definitely no older than six. i was in kindergarten. this is also "coincidentally" when they started using some chemical or drug to force unconciousness AND when i first began to have seizures "for no apparent reason." there is nothing a kindergartener can do to invite gang rapes and torture. it was not my fault. all of this happened to rosie... an innocent alter of mine from that age.
3. at eight (8) years old, it spread to daytime abuse too. this is when the animal sacrifices came into play. the first one i remember was a puppy. my dog had puppies and i was told i could keep one. she was blonde (the others were all dark colors) with curls and so i named her goldilocks. i loved that pup. but she was having trouble being housetrained so my family decided to not keep her any longer. my father told my mother he was giving her away to someone else and he took me and the puppy to the woods. he let me love on her and kiss her goodbye and play with her one last time. then he left her in a playpen while he forced me to get close to orgasm until i would let my guard down and trust him. then he hurt me on my clitoris till i couldnt see. he said that my succumbing to that "pleasure" proved i was an animal, that i "wanted it" and that i deserved to die. he then mutilated the puppy with an axe until it slowly lost enough blood to die. i can still hear her crying out in pain. he told me it should have been me, not the dog. that i was lower than a dog and i needed to always remember that. that i was bad. an animal. that i deserved those levels of pain. the torture in the nights increased and other animals were used to force that same point. both me and the animals were tied and tortured. the animals all died wimpering and bleeding to death. it was always "my fault" and i was forced to apologize for being so bad and for causing all of those deaths. there was nothing i could have done to stop them from doing those things. i was lucky to have survived. the choices i was forced to make - succumbing to their touches, playing a part in those deaths, "wanting it"... none of those things were my fault. i was 8, for goodness sake. there was no "right way" to handle that and they would have done whatever they did no matter HOW i had responded. it could not have been my fault. all of this happened to ke'ev - an alter of mine from that period in time. it was not her fault. no matter how many times she endured it. no matter how many years they drew it out.
4. thirteen (13) was the worst of it. i no longer required tying to keep me in line. i gave up. when he came to my room, he didnt even have to take me out of it. i handed him my limbs to be bound. i smiled at his approach. i participated even in the parts that could have killed me. i wanted to die. i didnt fight back. even then, i was not at fault. the alter this happened to remains nameless. there was no more me at that point in my life.
5. when i was 15, he killed himself. he blamed that on me too. he had told me he was going to if i didnt comply with his demands. i tried to comply but the demands were out of reason - above and beyond the capability of any person. i failed and he kept his word. sent a letter that arrived the day after he was found shot in the head. blaming EVERYTHING on me. no person can carry the amount of guilt that was lain on me there. it held me responsible for his choices, for his acts, for his drinking, for his illness, for his dissolved marriage and for his taking of his own life. i almost lost my life trying to save his and trying to carry all that heavy heavy guilt.
none of it was my fault. i'm trying to get that into my head. i just had to try to tell a bit of what happened here to alleviate the guilt. there is nothing i could have done. he hated me from the moment he laid eyes on me but none of that could have been my fault. i am not evil.
i wish i could learn that deeper in my soul than all this pain. i want to live.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
flashbacks to the max
having a hard time. have talked to my hubby and worked out a temporary solution but the flashbacks are still going like crazy. hating having such awful things in my head. if there were ever a time to cut like crazy, it would be now... i feel so filthy and awful... but i know that's not going to change anything besides get me deeper into trouble. just helps to say it, i guess. going back to hiding under the covers now :(
Friday, February 10, 2012
ugh
sometimes being married stinks. i love my husband to death, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it's awful hard to keep up with... well... to fulfill "his needs". it's driving me crazy because i want so badly for this area of our marriage to be healed, but i also have no control over flashbacks and their timing. i don't ever want to cringe when he is near but sometimes it's all too too much. wish i had a safe way to tell him this without hurting his feelings. seems like every time we try to discuss stuff like this, it ends in a war.
ugh.
ugh.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
dont have words
the other shoe has dropped. i am very upset. dont have words so here is a picture of how i am feeling.
Friday, February 3, 2012
lost
i lost my driver's license. i know i had it this past weekend but now it's not where i thought it was. have turned the place upside down several times looking for it and cant find it anywhere. why do the simplest things make me feel so insufficient?!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
contentedness
am tired so will make this quick and expound on it more when i'm not running so hard to catch up from my weekend away, but had to take a minute to express how much better i am feeling. learned SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOO much at the conference this past weekend. have much to share. much much much. but for tonight, let's just leave it at this:
i am content. for the first time in i cant remember how long (at least 4 years!), i am feeling content AND happy to be me. AND i've felt this way for three full days now.
wow.
wow wow wow.
this is amazing. :)
i am content. for the first time in i cant remember how long (at least 4 years!), i am feeling content AND happy to be me. AND i've felt this way for three full days now.
wow.
wow wow wow.
this is amazing. :)
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