got laptop back today. got to talk to one of my main supporters and she encouraged me a lot. feeling better. :)
praise God
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
feeling alone
my computer has a virus and so i'm using borrowed computers to leave these posts which means i have no access to my im's. feeling so isolated and alone... :(
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A quote that fits...
ok so i've been researching my diagnosis - reading like crazy. i am on my third book on the topic, "Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out" which is a compilation of quotes from others with DID that have the courage to support others in the midst of their own struggles. It's put out by Sidran Press and i'd highly recommend it.
anyway, in the midst of reading this book i found a quote that very much explains how i've been feeling lately and i wanted to share it here. idk if i have other readers or if someone might stumble on here, but if they do, i hope they find this helpful... or at least that my own readers know a little better how i feel.
"The aspect of MPD [aka DID] that all counselors, friends and support people should understand is the extreme pain it creates. Pain that is incomprehensible. Not only the physical pain, but the extreme mental anguish of knowing that your family enjoys hurting you, that they do not feel any remorse, and do not care if it kills you or maims you for life. The fact that your pain brings them pleasure is crippling.
- Louise H."
anyway, in the midst of reading this book i found a quote that very much explains how i've been feeling lately and i wanted to share it here. idk if i have other readers or if someone might stumble on here, but if they do, i hope they find this helpful... or at least that my own readers know a little better how i feel.
"The aspect of MPD [aka DID] that all counselors, friends and support people should understand is the extreme pain it creates. Pain that is incomprehensible. Not only the physical pain, but the extreme mental anguish of knowing that your family enjoys hurting you, that they do not feel any remorse, and do not care if it kills you or maims you for life. The fact that your pain brings them pleasure is crippling.
- Louise H."
Monday, July 26, 2010
As My Mind Spins....
So i ran out of my meds this week, which spun me out of control again. Nightmares are back to several a night instead of just one. Dizzy, disoriented, and an emotional mess, it's been a real bad week. Not to mention the reappearance of a major panic attack that greeted me last Tuesday - been a very long time since i had one that bad. Also, my dissociation is up and seems to happen at the worst of times....
Dissociated at the park with the kids the other day - woke up and had no clue where they were or how long i'd been "gone". It was a terrifying feeling, not to mention how inadequate it made me feel to be the only one responsible for not only my own kids, but also Sam's little friend, only to realize because of me, they'd been left unsupervised anyway. They turned out to be safe and ok, but seriously, i cant have this happening while i'm responsible for little lives!
Then today i went to group and dissociated there too. The only thing i can remember that i got from it (group is 90 min long) was that i told about my bad week and they heard and sympathized. After that... it's fuzz. the "good" news? when i woke up, it was time to leave, so i was present enough to drive myself safely home. ugh.
anyway. just had to vent that out. not really sure how it affects anyone except that i've just embarrassed myself seriously. but at least it's out.
(sigh)
Dissociated at the park with the kids the other day - woke up and had no clue where they were or how long i'd been "gone". It was a terrifying feeling, not to mention how inadequate it made me feel to be the only one responsible for not only my own kids, but also Sam's little friend, only to realize because of me, they'd been left unsupervised anyway. They turned out to be safe and ok, but seriously, i cant have this happening while i'm responsible for little lives!
Then today i went to group and dissociated there too. The only thing i can remember that i got from it (group is 90 min long) was that i told about my bad week and they heard and sympathized. After that... it's fuzz. the "good" news? when i woke up, it was time to leave, so i was present enough to drive myself safely home. ugh.
anyway. just had to vent that out. not really sure how it affects anyone except that i've just embarrassed myself seriously. but at least it's out.
(sigh)
Friday, July 9, 2010
DID
ok - not crazy - just potentially dealing with bigger issues than originally thought. every counseling session gets me closer to the diagnosis of DID. going to a DID support group for the first time on Monday.
those of y'all who disagree, please remember this is not easy on me either. this is a scary thing but i have to deal with it and look at it as it is. it really seems to be potentially true.
wow.
those of y'all who disagree, please remember this is not easy on me either. this is a scary thing but i have to deal with it and look at it as it is. it really seems to be potentially true.
wow.
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