so here i am. all this work. years of it. only in the last year making progress but now that i have a t that "gets me" (and is leaving grrrrrr) i've finally made lots of progress. i should be doing better, right?
WRONG - i'm a basketcase. i finally let the part that hurts so badly talk in t - first time i've let her "out" there and what does she do? does she appreciate it and keep things in control? noooooooooooooooo of course not. she opens the emotional floodgates and leaves me a basketcase unable to stop the flood of emotions...
so a three hour trip turns into almost 5 as i cant get home because i'm switching between rational and stupid hysterical and cant drive. and then when i need to call for help, does my cell phone have battery? of course not.
stranded in orlando. the magical fun city. miserable and alone.
yes, i bet you've read between the lines and noticed my anger. i'm REALLY mad as a part of this emotional flooding... i hate mad. scares the daylights out of me.
idk what to do.
ugh
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Transitions (venting)
beginning in the month of 9 (yes, the dreaded 9), i will be under the counsel of a new t. my old t (that's "therapist" to those of you not in the know) is being promoted. which means i'm being demoted. i can no longer see her - she'll only be seeing people who can pay t fees... (i see her under a victim services grant that allows me to see her without having to pay). however the grant is only for the t in this position and no other. so i'll be seeing her replacement.
that sounds simple enough - months warning, the chance to meet her before it's permanent, continuing under the grant, etc... except that it's not. soooooo not... yes, will continue under the grant, praise God, since i cannot afford t rates... and all those other things are also true. but (and yes, my but is a biggie) i have NOT had good luck with t's. finding K, my current t, has been hard enough. i went thru three other unqualified t's before her and each one scared me in their own unique ways... but TRUSTING someone ELSE with the painful and embarrassing details of my story... that's a ginormously huge task. one that i'm not sure i or J (the replacement t) are up to. she's just a beginner with no experience. and i'm just barely stable and in the middle of trauma work with no end in sight. AND i'm the only ritual abuse client that K has ever treated so the experience base is low to start with. closest we've come to qualified is that K is highly schooled in dissociation and DID and therefore can take severe abuse cases and deal with them. J has only expressed interest in these areas - no schooling AND no experience. How will she know how to guide me thru if she's not gone that way at least in theory?!
and if all that is not enough - she will be officially gone RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MONTH OF 9!!!!! my total WORST point of the year - it couldnt be worse unless she left on the 18th.
needless to say, i'm terrified. i WILL be giving it my all and i've already met J and started talking with K about the transition, i just feel so inadequate and so so scared.
guess i just needed to say that "out loud".
that sounds simple enough - months warning, the chance to meet her before it's permanent, continuing under the grant, etc... except that it's not. soooooo not... yes, will continue under the grant, praise God, since i cannot afford t rates... and all those other things are also true. but (and yes, my but is a biggie) i have NOT had good luck with t's. finding K, my current t, has been hard enough. i went thru three other unqualified t's before her and each one scared me in their own unique ways... but TRUSTING someone ELSE with the painful and embarrassing details of my story... that's a ginormously huge task. one that i'm not sure i or J (the replacement t) are up to. she's just a beginner with no experience. and i'm just barely stable and in the middle of trauma work with no end in sight. AND i'm the only ritual abuse client that K has ever treated so the experience base is low to start with. closest we've come to qualified is that K is highly schooled in dissociation and DID and therefore can take severe abuse cases and deal with them. J has only expressed interest in these areas - no schooling AND no experience. How will she know how to guide me thru if she's not gone that way at least in theory?!
and if all that is not enough - she will be officially gone RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MONTH OF 9!!!!! my total WORST point of the year - it couldnt be worse unless she left on the 18th.
needless to say, i'm terrified. i WILL be giving it my all and i've already met J and started talking with K about the transition, i just feel so inadequate and so so scared.
guess i just needed to say that "out loud".
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