Merry Christmas

so it's Christmas once again. a time to be thankful and to be glad for all the gifts we've been given. this year, a huge gift to me is that my mother and stepfather have moved away and we get to do Christmas on our own. i thought i never would have had the guts to do that on my own - separate from them during the holidays - but i managed to do it regarding thanksgiving and it was SUCH a gift. then they decided to move away and it's been very good for all of us. my parents are doing what they've always wanted to do - living in the mountains and doing crafts and such. and my family, although the beginnings are very humble, is enjoying a self-made christmas. this is incredible. :) Merry Christmas everyone!

proud of myself

so i finished part one of my book which at the moment is more like a booklet but anyway - finished writing the first draft of the story portion of my book and will be putting the rough draft version into the capable hands of a couple of grammar nuts i know for editing because reading it is highly triggering for me. (plus, with the runon sentence i just typed, golly, it's obvious i need editing help...) also, am reading it to my counselor for her help dealing with making the story public as telling sets off all sorts of programming problems for me. right now am sitting up late next to my friend who i stay with when i go to counseling. she is snoring (she works weekends and is often exhausted) and i am ruminating on what all i want to do/say before i can shut the brain down for sleep myself. regardless of whatever i just wanted to note here that i am proud of myself. not only for working on the book, which is super hard but is like a declaration of independance for me from my abusers, but also for enduring the fight with hubby and the yelling that followed and coming to grips with it in just a weekend's amount of time. i am congratulating myself on only one day spent in bed rather than kicking myself for ending up in the bed again. progress! ok well, the snoring is sounding inviting. gotta go get ready for bed. gnite all.

fight

got in a fight with my husband this morning. ended with yelling and such. scared me badly. i know it's just a bad day. things are crazy right now and we are both at our limits. i just wish i had someone to talk to about it. wish there was a way to improve things. but i'm still scared. i hate this. :(

is it real? ...answers!

so i've got some answers tonight i can make peace with. was the abuse and the horror and the chaos and all of it real? i dont know. but here's what i DO know: God loves me. If it was real, His love is evident in my survival of all of the chaos physically and otherwise. If it was not, and I am crazy, His love is evident in His mercy for my survival of all of this chaos mentally and otherwise. I am alive, therefore, God is good. regardless of if it's real or not. my job is simply to live and be as real as i can. i believe it all to have been true because God has not struck me dead for lying and I know His heart and mine are alligned in wanting the truth to be known. this stuff is not something i would want to make up in a billion years. no one in their right mind would want to experience it. and as my friends have assured me, it wouldnt have affected me this way if it were not real. plus all of the assurances that eveyrthing was my fault, was my father's way of acknowledging the reality and trying to escape it. that's my proof. the memories i am sure of back up the memories i am not sure of. i know this post will make no sense to anyone but me. and maybe not me by morning. all i know is that for tonight, i have peace that i am ok with God. and i needed that.