We shall see the King when He comes...

God is so good. He knows when enough is enough. I'm so glad!

What's the point in doing the right thing? Standing before God with a clear conscience! Regardless of what the world does, I will answer only for me.

Does what I do matter? I have to believe it does. It mattered for me that someone cared enough to offer hope. And it matters when people care now. Like a good friend of mine said, if I didn't still have a purpose, why am I still here?

Why keep going? Because life won't always be like this - this pain cannot last forever - it's a tunnel, not a pit, and the uphill battle means I'm pointed in the right direction.

Tonight at church, I was standing in my pew, weeping as usual.
It was like I stood there with God in the front and my father behind.
God said, "Lift up your hands."
I was hesitant. This is not something I do well. But I put them out.
God said, "No - lift them all the way up - stretch them out - reach for Me." Again, I hate to put them up all the way. And I was feeling very uneasy at the thought of my father - it was like he was standing there, looking over my shoulder. I was afraid.
One more time, God encouraged me,
"Raise them up. This is how you'll get free of him."
So I did. It was really hard but I kept them up.
And He met me there.
And poured hope into my heart.
And just as I'm breathing it in, the worship leader chimes in saying, "There's your hope!" (oh if she only knew...)

and God showed me:

As much as I was damaged by the acts of my earthly father unto death and hopelessness, I am now healed and set free by the acts of my Heavenly Father unto life.

I belong to Him. I am changed. I am chosen. I am truly LOVED.
THIS is what I choose to be defined by from this point forward.

I was crushed. But no more.
I'm going to be okay because God is a whole different category of dad.
And yeah, the battle's going to continue. But I'm going to be alright.

Praise God.

Sacrifice

I've always believed that self sacrifice was the highest act of love - the most holy way of life - ultimately what God wants for all of us - the way to victory. I'm finding myself really wondering about that today.

Maybe I'm thinking this way because I'm fighting major mood swings and I'm seriously depressed. Maybe I'm just too cynical today because of the events going on around me. I don't know.... But I wonder... is all of this for naught? Why bother?


Really, if selfishness rules in this world, is any of the sacrifice we put ourselves through worth it?


If we give all that we have to put others first, thinking that this is how we should live, only so they can live better and we stay forever in need - how does that help anyone?


If we go crazy doing everything we can to try to help kids live better, only to have those who should care the most throw them away, and then they (like me) spend the rest of their lives feeling worthless because the most influential people they know never cared in the slightest - is all of our heartache REALLY making any difference at all?


If we act in selfless ways, sacrificing all our time and energy, putting our needs last, and putting everyone else first, only to find the needs we work to eliminate grow larger and more impossible every day and our own hearts more miserable and alone, have we really done anything good?

Let's face it, selfishness rules in this world. And doing the right thing is NOT contagious. If I live my life as a passionate doormat, giving everything I have and am to make everyone else's life better - will any of it make any REAL difference?

And if everything I do is so easily undone by other people, what's the point in even trying? What's the point at all?

God, as I sit here and type on this blog, please forgive me for being so cynical and overwhelmed. I know that NOT doing those things isn't right either. Help me, Lord! I feel like the scriptures in Ecclesiastes - meaningless - everything is meaningless. Help me find the point! You know my heart - You know I WANT to do what's right. You know how much pain I'm walking in because of being stomped on in the name of other people's selfishness and because of watching other people suffer likewise. Show me the way, God. Help me find a way to hold on and keep going! In Jesus name...

Too much

I'm drowning. All of this emotion is just too much. I just don't know how to handle it all.

Nothing makes sense today. I'm just too overwhelmed.

I've spent a big chunk of the day searching out scriptures. It's all good.

But it doesn't lessen the pain. It hurts so bad.

When will it back off?

Please, God! When will it quit? I need help!

Hiding

Why do I hide like this? I hate it. I'm so lonely. I want people to hear and to care and to love me... but I can't help but hide.

I get so mad at myself...STUPID!
But I don't know how to do anything else.

I sound like a dufus-head when I talk to people.
I can never say what I want and it always comes out badly.
It makes so much sense when I think it, but I can never speak it well.
I feel like a little kid who has no business in an adult world.
Then I just sit there like a lump on a log and say nothing while my heart is bursting inside me to be heard.
And yet I'm silent. Because I'm afraid.
Inside, that's all I am - just a scared little kid.
And I hate it.

I could kick myself for being this way.
But it doesn't help when I do.
I am who I am and that's that.
And growing up takes time.

I'm trying to change.

But right now, I hate this part of me.
I feel like I just don't belong.
So I hide.

I don't want to hide anymore.
But I'm still afraid to come out.

Power

I'm so tired.

Physically tired - my kids have both been sick and have been high need, Saturday was Sam's birthday party, my house is a disaster from caring for everyone but me, church stuff is calling, my friend lost her mother and has the funeral on Tuesday, my kids have a big deal school function tomorrow and there's an outreach on Friday to prepare for. I'm worn out and I've just gotten started! And I totally missed the baby shower this weekend and am feeling guilty for it but I'm just exhausted. And then I totally disagreed with a vocal person in Sunday School today but didn't have the nerve to speak up and say what was on my heart because I know I can't outtalk him. But what I had to say was valid. So I'm kicking myself for not saying it because he needed to hear the point. Ugh.

More than the physical, I'm worn out emotionally. This is a tough battle. The ups and downs are really wearing on me. I'm not giving up, I've come too far... I'm just worn out. Tired of being depressed. Tired of banging my head (figuratively) against the wall trying to make progress. Tired of everything. I wish I could just pray and be healed - poof - just like that. And just when I feel like no progress will ever come, God gives hope.

I'm so glad.

The worship today was filled with songs about God setting us free (I so needed that!) and then the message was all about having God's peace (need that too!). The scripture at one point in the message was John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (Aha - He wants us to have peace - He has overcome our troubles already - this is good...) Then, the preacher made the point that when we walk and live in God's peace, it crushes the devil. At first I didn't get it, how my state of mind really matters in the long run to anyone but me, but then suddenly I understood. A lightbulb moment. When I finally get free of this, I saw how free I really will be. Because when I have my head on straight and begin to see things God's way, and really trust God like I should, then the whispers and lies I'm battling really will have NO MORE POWER. Wow. Can you imagine? It was just a little glimpse into how possible this really is with God. A ray of hope - hey, this CAN work. I CAN get through it. I WILL walk victorious one day. And if THAT'S possible, then maybe the God kicks butt and I can be used to make a difference part can happen too!

Praise God for building my faith. I needed that.

Now all I've got to do is hold on and keep walking it. Keep replacing the lies with His truth and hold on tight. I'm still worn out, but I see the light.

I'm so glad....

Trying to see things clearly...

Yesterday was a breakthrough day for me - a victory to be celebrated. Today was also very good. I was actually stable. Encountered quite a few outside challenges and took them in stride without being overwhelmed. Been a long time since that happened. I was pretty impressed. Thankful to God for the progress.

But there's still work to be done. After I got the kids tucked into bed, it came time for me to slow down again. To sit with God and go over my counseling homework. To keep moving forward. This is the hard part. Distraction is too easy.

I was looking at old pictures. Thinking about our value. Thinking about my past. Trying to figure things out. Processing again.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around something that was said to me - that our value is determined by our Maker and not anyone else - that manmade value is subject to change and the only constant is the value the Maker assigns. It sounds so simple but grasping it is so difficult.

I find myself asking question after question... I can't seem to come to grips with that concept... There's so much going through my head... How did God see me then? Did His view of me change because of what happened? Was His original plan altered because of the events of my life? Because of my reactions to them? Because of the way I've run since then? If sin gets in the way of God's perfect will, am I living second best because of the choices that were made - both my own choices and those made against me? Am I receiving less because of what was done - and does that make me less valuable? Is there a way to get it back?

I have this picture of my family a year or so before the worst. I tried to post it here but simply seeing his face made it so I couldn't sleep tonight. I had to take it off. Anyway, when it was taken the tension was already building. You can't see in our faces the battle over it being the perfect family photo - the "you'd better smile or else." I wish we were the family that we appeared to be there. I wish that appearances could be trusted. I wish I could see things as they really are and not through my own messed up views of everything...

I have no clue what point I want to make today. I don't know that I have one. I guess I'm just grieving for what never was. And I'm confused over how things can really BE good and not just appear that way outside while everything boils behind the scenes.

Today's challenge from my counselor is to find the truth behind the lies I've believed and begin to speak it so I'll begin to believe it.

I guess the truth to focus on is that in God's world, pictures are actually true - not false images like that picture. When He says He loves us, He actually means it and follows through without exception. He doesn't say one thing and then do something else. He can be trusted.

God, let me live that. Thank you that You are who You say You are. Please help me to see myself as You do. Help me to to get past this shattered view of everything. Help me to find a way to understand whatever it is I need to wrap my mind around so badly. Help me to overcome this confusion with Your truth. Just help me, Lord! I want to do things Your way. But I just can't do it on my own. Give me the courage to believe what You say. I believe, God. Help me in my unbelief. Have mercy on my doubt. Replace these lies with Your truths one by one. And help me to be patient in the process. I know it won't happen overnight. But it's hard to walk. Thank you for being patient with my weakness... In Jesus' name.

My voice

(This is a long one - we'll see how much this program can hold - if you have a lack of time, please don't start reading - this needs to be read in it's entirety to be understood...)

When I was very young, I used to go out to the swingset and scream. Top of my lungs, all out, loud as I could, bloody murder screams... regularly. It confused my family. Scared my mom. Made my friend laugh at me. But it felt good. I have few memories of when I was that young. I'm guessing that's mercy, considering where I came from. But I just don't know. But I remember sitting there on the swings screaming and how good it felt.

Funny, when I got older and really needed it big time, when I know I had things to scream over, I couldn't. By then, my dad was drunk A LOT and angry all the time. The unwritten rule, strictly enforced, was to never let anyone know our family wasn't perfect. EVER. The pressure was intense.

Years we lived that way - getting worse all the time but never showing it. I was miserable. And very alone. But it never mattered. We looked good.

After the rape, I was so overwhelmed I couldn't see straight. Moving and functioning but like a zombie - just going thru the motions...trying to appear perfect but broken and empty inside - just a shell.

Not too much later, my father came to me (this I remember vividly) and told me that all of the problems in his life were because of me. The way he saw it (he was so composed and reasonable when he said this - like it was a normal conversation to have), I needed to be gone and his life would be better. If I didn't leave, I really only left him two choices, he said. He could divorce my mother or kill himself. I was stunned. But he was my dad, so I believed him.

I tried to leave. I had nowhere to go and no money to go there. Praise God that I didn't because my reasoning at the time (I was into acting - a good way to escape - I was great at being someone else) was that I should go to New York City and live there doing whatever I needed to until I could make it on Broadway and be a big star. Fat chance. I wouldn't have lasted long on the streets of NYC - a child alone and looking for attention...

So when leaving that way didn't work, I reasoned that my only other choice was my own suicide. No one loved me at home and I was already an outcast at school (Jr High social structure stinks when you enter wounded and dysfunctional to begin with) - so there was no hope for a good life anyway - why continue? Just get out of my dad's way and all would be better for everyone.

I planned it carefully. Picked out which knife I'd use. Figured out the ideal time time to use it. How many stabs it would take to do myself in... all the details... made it to the very day I had chosen. When I got home from school, no one else would be around and it would all be over.

Inside I was screaming for help, "Somebody care! I don't want to go this way! Help!" But by then, I couldn't scream with my voice anymore. Too many years of fear. I'd been taught well enough not to bother anyone...everyone was more important than me - it was simply my job to try not to mess things up for everyone else. Scum has no rights or value and I knew it. So the only way I knew how to scream was weak little comments, quiet and out of the way, praying to be heard. The best I could do was, "Can I die now?" Bold as I could get, shaking in my shoes, I asked everyone - anyone that would listen. Everyone that I passed in the halls, even the popular kids that teased me relentlessly - even the teachers. The response? Unanimous. "Whatever" "Go ahead" "I don't care" "Sure"
I was walking in a fog. Amazed but not surprised. Miserable.

Someone must have heard because I did end up being called to the guidance office and asked about it. Scared and relieved, I lied and told them I wasn't suicidal. (After all, what kind of trouble would I be in for bothering the world like THAT?!) To this day, neither the guidance counselor nor the person who told have any idea that they saved my life. I personally believe that it was God Himself who stepped in on my behalf.

I realized today that I've been angry about that day ever since. Not that God spared my life. I'm grateful for that...

Angry at the world around me at the time for not caring. For not hearing. For not understanding. I was screaming with all the being I had left for a reason to live and all I got was, "Sure. Go ahead. Kill yourself. We don't care!" I felt so worthless. So empty. So alone. HOW COULD THEY NOT CARE???!!! THIS WAS LIFE AND DEATH!!!!!

But I realize now that they were simply wrapped up in their own worlds. How could they know what was happening in mine? From their perspective, I was simply having a bad day. Because of the image of perfection that I was required to display, nobody knew about what life was like in my house... in my room... in my heart... How could they?

I've also been mad at me. For turning my world upside down for my father when he chose to be so evil. For wrapping my world around trying to get him to love me. For loving him anyway so deeply, so strongly, so obsessively. For being willing to literally kill myself at his whim. Wipe myself off the planet because my life was inconvenient to him.

But here's the deal. He was my FATHER. I needed him. I was only acting out of that need. It isn't wrong to need love from your parents! Even in the midst of the torture that was my life, I still only sought that which most people consider to be a basic human need - to be valued and loved by my dad. To be pleasing. That's it. That is NOT unreasonable.

So how does the story end? I lived. I didn't go home and try to kill myself. Just marked it up as but another failure on my part, cried my eyes out and zombied some more... Praise God for His mercy - one of my father's girlfriends saw how miserable I was and introduced me to Jesus. When I gave my life to Him, He gave me the hope I needed to hold on for 2 more years under my father until God helped us to escape for good and move across country to start a new life far away from my dad. My father ended up keeping his promise and divorcing my mother and then killing himself.
But that's another story...

That was 20 years ago last month. And I am JUST NOW REALIZING it's okay to get my voice back. To stop trying to be perfect. To let myself breathe. To wake up from the fog and come out of hiding and live again.

This blog is my first vocalization of that new beginning. Okay, so it's not actually out loud but it's a start. I have to start somewhere...

Holy God, my Heavenly new Father, thank You for Your love. Breathe Your life into me with it. Bring me back. Heal my heart. Help me to live again! Thank You so very much for being so patient and gentle - You have waited decades for this moment. I'm ready. Let's go. In Jesus name, let it be so.

I hate roller coasters

I love the real kind of roller coasters. The rush of the wind in my face and the exhileration in my stomach - the ups and downs and the fun of it all. They are worth the wait for the front row. So much fun.

I hate the kind that I've been living lately. I'm beginning to also dread the ups because I know that they are just a prelude to the really low downs... they are drastically different from the kind at the amusement park because there are no "safety" devices built in to keep you from falling off the track and getting seriously messed up. No promise that in a couple of minutes it will be over and you can get off. No choice to ride or not to ride. Just the complete lack of any control and the sickeningness (is that a word?) of being thrown up and down and back and forth and tossed to and fro like a rag doll.

What's my deal today? Been feeling really guilty about the pinches and the pokes - decided I was going to not do that anymore. Just made a stubborn decision to find healthier ways of coping. I told two friends about it and they both called it "cutting" and the consensus was that this was a bad idea and would be better not to continue.

A simple enough decision. Searched out a bunch of scriptures and armed myself with some "things to do instead". Wahoo - my life is going to be better now because I won't have to go there, right?

Ha - that's a funny joke. Truth is - I really have no clue how to cope with my pain. Scriptures are good. I'm trying desperately to hold to God's promises. But it's just not as simple as adding a memory verse or spending more time in the Word. It's not enough.

I discovered in trying to stop that I do this more than I thought I did and that when I don't, my heart doesn't know how to handle it. I can't sit still. I'm overwhelmed. "Staying inside my skin" is an impossible task.

It doesn't help that I'm trying to do this while I have PMS and that I have the dreaded annual exam tomorrow - I can't believe I have to pay to go through that and do it voluntarily.

So, for the time being, I'm quitting quitting. I'll just try to keep it small but I just don't know what else to do.

My theory is that when I've worked through this enormous pain and learned to cope, that it'll be much easier to beat. Right now, I just don't know what else to do.

Sorry, world, I've failed today. Leave me alone and talk to me in 7 to 10 days. Bring chocolate.

Holding on...

So I got brave enough to tell one person I trust that I have this blog and she didn't think I'm nuts - wahoo!

Been an up and down battle today.

God gave me the faith I'd need to make it through and I'm so glad.

This is so hard.

I've got enough fight to make it but it's so not as simple as just saying it or deciding it won't hurt anymore. God gave the faith because He knew I'd need it this afternoon. It's such a roller coaster.

I had to set aside everything for just a while and "escape" with my kids. We watched movies that inspired not giving up (Facing the Giants & Rudy) and I just sat there and held on to them. They so don't get it. I pray they never do.

But I made it through the day. And I actually laughed a little during the up times - it's been too long - felt so good.

One day down - how many more to go? Come quickly, Lord!

God's gift of faith

Been praying and seeking God. I’ve felt so alone and so desperate. He met me here today and I needed to get this down so I don’t forget.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

With God, all things are possible.

I will not be afraid, for the Lord my God is with me.

When I walk through the waters, they will not overtake me. When I pass through the fires, I will not be burned. God loves me and promises to bring me through.

By my God, I can run against a troop. With His help, I can leap over a wall.


I have determined today that I’m holding on no matter what.

Period.

I will not give in.


I wasn’t giving up before, but I had no fight left in me – had nothing left. Today, He has reinforced that there is nothing He cannot do if I’ll just not give up and keep trusting in Him.


God, I give you my all. I trust my life in Your hands. Thank You for showing Yourself strong. I so look forward to seeing what You will do. I know I’m not going through this for nothing. You are not a respecter of persons – You neither show favorites nor make exceptions – You can work what was meant for evil in my life to show Your glory. I accept Your lovingkindness and I thank you for Your strength. Help me to hold on.

In Jesus Holy Name,
Amen

What's okay and what's not?

Did it ever hurt so bad inside you felt like you needed to do something outside to make it stop? At least long enough to catch your breath?

Nothing dramatic. I'm not considering suicide. Not even. I have too much to live for.

But sometimes the pain inside is so huge I don't know how else to deal with it but to distract with a brief moment of physical pain...

The biggest thing I've done is to smash my thumb and give it a good bruise. That was really going too far in my opinion - I won't be cutting or slashing or anything - and I have no intention of it leading that far, but honestly it really helped. I was good for several days after that and then just a good jab in the bruise kept me fine for another whole week after that.

I'm embarrassed and feel extremely guilty that I need this sometimes but I just don't know what else to do and I seriously wonder how many people there are out there that feel like I do but would never admit it.... Of course, I'm not even brave enough to tell anyone I have this blog, so I may never know. But I still wonder....

Staying Inside My Skin

I feel like a tornado lives inside me
Sometimes it’s on top of me and I can barely breathe
It feels like I’m going to explode
The difference between the calm outside and the storm inside is too great
I want to scream
I panic
Everyone says I should be okay – just trust in God and pray
He’s the One who can calm the storm
And I’m not in any danger really anyway
Just keep going and trust God and things will be fine
But inside, it just keeps spinning
Nothing stops the pain
I’m so alone

The noise can be deafening
It’s so hard to concentrate
I have a hard time staying inside my skin
I want to run, to scream, to break something
Anything…Anything to make it stop
It hurts so bad
And it scares me

Sometimes the tornado is just spinning in a corner somewhere
And I can manage it
I like to pretend it’s not there
To escape for a while and pretend I’m normal
Like everyone else

I run away from it
I run so hard
I keep busy so I won’t notice it’s there
If I run hard enough, sometimes it can feel like it’s really gone
I can even convince myself life is going to be okay
And I’ve beaten the tornado
And it’s gone
And life is good
Because outside – it really is
I have a good life

But then it comes back
And it screams I’ll never be okay
It shreds the little shelter of hopes and dreams I built when it was still
It trashes my heart
Ravages my soul
Until there’s nothing left
And I wonder how I can ever be whole

It started spinning when I was small
It matched the chaos around me then
I am safe now
I don’t live there anymore
My accuser is dead and gone
But I don’t know how to get away from it
This pain inside that spins and screams
And continues on year after year
So intense
Waxing and waning but never going away
I can’t escape it
O how I’ve tried

I wonder if the storm is my fault
It should be gone by now

I’ve told it to go
I’ve prayed for it to leave
I’ve hollered and yelled at it to stop
I’ve succumbed to it’s power to try to appease it
I’ve resisted it to try to make it flee
It doesn’t matter what I do
It’s always bigger than me

Some say I should focus on good things
God is bigger than any storm

This is true

But it continues to spin nonetheless

No matter what I do

And I wonder how God could want this for anyone
I feel so alone

O God, please set me free
This storm is truly destroying me - make it stop!

I know that You can
I need Your help to hold on until you do
But please, please, please…
Please, God! Rescue me soon!

Getting Started

I'm not a blogger by nature. I don't like to share my feelings.

But right now I feel so alone. And I need to vent.

I don't know if anyone will even ever read this - but it's a way to let out some of these feelings that overwhelm me.

A place to post it without putting it on my normal myspace or facebook pages where I have friends that just wouldn't understand the storm inside me.

If you are coming across this accidentally, I don't care if you read it. If it helps, great. If it depresses you, I'm sorry. It depresses me too. But please know that I AM seeking help. Some of the things I want to say are very intense. I have a counselor who is helping me work through it all in a healthy way. But once a week is not enough as I'm overflowing with sorrow right now. So I'm using this blog to sort it through.

Don't call the men in the white coats on me. I'm getting help.

And regardless of how much I despair or how much pain I share, I cling to God and believe He'll bring me through. Because of that, I can hold on even when it feels like I'll never get through.

Praise God for Jesus. I know I'd be gone by now if it weren't for Him.