breathing again

i am alive. still here. breathing again. last week was very very very very very very hard but i survived it. my support system tells me i'm doing well. i felt very much like i was going backwards but they tell me i'm not. last year must have been pretty miserable if this was better. oh well. tired now - gonna get some rest. good night.

screaming

hurting so so badly. wanting to scream and shout and stomp my feet and fall apart and cry. parts inside making funeral arrangements for me and it's scaring me a lot. i wish i dint feel so alone...

today :'(

24 years ago today my father killed himself and blamed it on me. 22 years ago today was the last rape i ever endured from him this date is also the anniversary of many other rapes and beatings endured at his hands. i am no longer his slave. this year, for the first time, i didnt spend this day hiding in my bed. but i still have a tsunami of emotion turning me every which way but up. one day i will look back on all this and snub my nose and go on with my life. God, i wish that day would come quickly.

From Feb 1st in the hospital...

I wrote this on a Sunday night in the hospital a year and a half ago or so - still affecting me. Have more to share after this but this'll give y'all an idea for now about how tangible God has been through all this...

Today I was given the gift of a Sabbath from my pain - literally - both kinds. It was a very good day - no hurt from my heart and my belly was in control too. I've been here now 3 days. As I lay in the bed praying and thanking God for the day and the much needed break, the bed began to feel like it was a rocking cradle and I imagined God stroking my hair and kissing my forehead and smiling saying, "I knew you needed the rest." He followed that with, "Are you ready to get back to work tomorrow? Will you trust me no matter WHAT it holds?"

I may have answered that differently before, but having the rest and this encounter - it boosted my faith. "Yes, Lord. I will." Still hesitant, knowing the pain of pain and not wanting to go back, but willing, knowing I have His arms to carry me through. For the first time, I was able to see "Father" in the light He meant for it to be seen in. Beheld it. Loved it. I wept a little, still asking the "why" questions, but ultimately I knew I could trust Him and the yes came quickly.

It occurred to me that the answer to my "where were you" question was hidden in this physical thing. When I came into the ER crying and moaning and dizzy with pain, the staff surrounded me in a whirlwind activity (like they do on TV) and before I knew what was happening, they had me changed into a gown, lying in a bed, with blood drawn, an IV started, oxygen flowing and monitors hooked up. I barely knew what was happening because the pain had me so focused on ME. But the team was there, taking care of my every need. In the midst of all my heart trauma, all I can see is also me - because the pain narrows my vision - but God is always there. Like the trauma team in the ER, working outside my line of focus but working diligently nonetheless for my ultimate benefit. Did I enjoy the tests and procedures they did to try to bring relief? Of course not. But the purpose was larger than the moment. Do I enjoy still having this physical pain and being stuck in the hospital? Of course not. But seeing even a glimpse of an answer for my heart long term is worth it.

Right now, in the long term, I just can't see how God was there when my father was treating me the way he did. But I have to believe and trust in my God who sees the bigger picture and is working for my benefit despite the pain of the moment. Not sure really how that fits into all of everything. After all, I was just a kid and I still can't see how any kid deserves what I got. But here's the thing - without God, I have no answer or stability or hope. Regardless of how things appear, or how dizzying the pain is, I have to trust that my God knows more than I do and is working everything out for my good, you know?

I have to see Him rocking me and stroking my hair and smiling, kissing me, "I knew you needed the rest." He knows my need, and even now is working to heal not just my belly, but also my heart, so we can move on to higher adventures together and I can go from patient to nurse and encourage others on THEIR journeys to healing and let them know that God can rock them too. Rock on, God... Rock on...

2 am

so it's almost 2 am - anniversary time. cant sleep. wishing to. ugh.

once upon a time...

once upon a time there was a little girl who suffered greatly at the hands of her tormentors... but she learned to endure. to breathe. to hold on. to survive. she escaped their grasp at 15 but spent the next twenty five years suffering in the aftermath of the pain. but, at age 40, she was given the gift of new life and freedom, not just physically but mentally as well. no longer did she just survive - she began to live. now, her passion is to see that similar suffering is stopped. that others are rescued and that tragedies are prevented. this is my life. that is what this book will be about.

just thinkin'...

ok so i'm thinking of changing things up. i am at a point in my healing where i feel like i can turn a corner and start to put all of this pain into perspective and use my experiences for good. i want to write a book. i want to go to college. i want to study social work and become an advocate for abused kids - especially ones who have been severely abused and/or trafficked. like i did. what do you think? it's six one way half dozen the other on opinions of my friends whether i can handle a career of that nature. i really really really want to do something with my life that makes a difference - i want to help people who have been hurt and give them hope and tools for healing - but i also want to advocate for prevention. i am not a public speaker or a politically savvy person - my best work is one on one i think, and also thru the power of the written word. another thought is to do a trial run as a guardian ad litem to see how i could handle advocating before i go and invest in a college degree in that... but i dont know what kind of a caseload commitment or long term commitment that entails. or if i'm actually ready to handle such triggering stuff right away... does anyone out there have ideas for me? thanks, AngieSue

parents... ugh - help?

my parents came to visit on saturday. made a big deal about how they barely slept the night before and got up super early to come. they took the kids to a beach 2 hours away because it's known for shells and shark teeth. and made a huge deal about the trip and stuff. but we live like 10 minutes from the beach - they didnt HAVE to do that. and again - a huge show about buying them things and giving them money. and a big deal about moving to the mountains and making a cool place for the kids to come visit.... it's so all about them... but these are the same people who turned their backs on my abuse. my mother, when it was happening and my stepfather when i finally told and reached out for help. they refused to believe me. to protect me. to offer even a hug or a tear for what i went through. a care at all. i am at a place where i can no longer trust them. finally the anger is coming through and i dont need them in my face playing "hero" when they were the villians. i am trying to walk in forgiveness and i know that God says i need to honor my parents... but here's the deal. i dont believe honor equals stupidity or that forgiveness equals allowing it to happen to my children. i've been confronted and it's suggested i need to cut ties... or at least to establish healthy boundaries. guess i just need some input and support. help?