so done

ugh. am so done with all this. enough is enough. i wish i knew how to make it stop. it's not even about the levels of pain anymore. there is no more "shock" in my reactions - just sadness. sadness it all had to exist. sadness it's still coming at me. sadness for the life i will never have. i wish it were over. i am so done.

cant breathe

these flashbacks are killing me. more and more time spent locked in that attic in the heat. had to take panic attack meds for the first time in months and it STILL took hours to calm down last night. was up at 3 and didnt get back down until after 5. ugh. i am really beginning to hate this.

TW - new memories

gotta talk about it cause avoiding it is not helping. trigger warning.

i remember narrow stairs going up to my grandparents' (paternal) attic. at the top there is a bedroom with two beds and a slanted ceiling on both sides making an upside down v at the top. there are small doors - four of them in the four corners of the room. each side has a narrow - in the attic crawl space with bare beams and pink insulation inside. also shelves with games and such. it is hot in those places. hot and still. air unmoving. it is in that attic i remember being bound to an empty bedframe and hurt. the actual act and the perpetrator are missing but being bound and knowing what was coming - not being able to breathe for the heat and stillness and the loud silence of waiting. this implicates my grandparents but idk that it wasnt my father there. or another person. i just know that location. and i hate it.

also more flashbacks from the woods. about the pain and the torture. the stupid punishments and the rod of correction. wow i hated that thing.

i gtg now. this is too much....

more pieces

in the attic at my grandparents house - dad's paarents. cant breathe. trapped.

more in the woods.

i wish these stupid memories would quit.

i get it

ok. have finally had some sleep - not like naps but like wake up covered in drool and dizzy and shaking because i've slept so hard sleep. i soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo needed that. and the good 24 hours of crying that preceeded it. i feel better.

and i feel like i have an answer to the sun question. God WILL come and justice WILL be served. it's not if, it's when. i believe He is waiting because He wants to give everyone a chance to make things right, but that one day His patience will be over and it will be time. i have to believe that justice will be served. and i know that's a scary doom and gloom message for those of you reading that dont know Jesus like i know Him. and i'm sorry. but i have to believe that if i believe God is just.

i feel better. thanks everyone for your prayers. please pray for my leg to heal too - it's infected i think. i'm looking after it now.

how does the sun continue to shine?

how does the sun continue to shinne when such darkness and sin reside in the world? How can such evil be allowed to exist? How can life go on as tho nothing is wrong...?! i am not so self centered as to think the world revolves around me and my issues but seriously people - how can it happen while children suffer this way? people go on about their lives blissfully oblivious and sad to the core all at the same time... i dontn understand.

swearing

ok so you'll notice in my last post i used some language i dont normally use. but there's a reason. "holy shit." that's what my dear friend said when she saw my collage from INE and Rosie. i know it's not couth to say that but you know what... it really fit the situation. what i went thru that's depicted there - it was. and that's how i feel.

it so was. how does one use polite language to speak of such horrors? i am shaking my head - it fit. and it's how i feel. and i'm sorry if it offends some of you. but this post is not here because i need to make an apology. it's here because it's 3:30 am and my brain won't shut down. i am choosing not to cut tonight so i am occupying myself with other ways to get out the emotions of the moment...

or many moments. i've been up since 1:45. this is one of the joys of ptsd. or maybe it's the ocd. idk. i want to txt or call a friend. i want to scream and cry. i want to dig at this pain and pull it out by the root. and yet here i am. perseverating. stuck.

it's driving me nuts... but the pain that i feel is not in my flesh. i guess that's the point i'm trying to make. it's in my heart, not my leg. so if it's going to come out of me, no amount of my own blood will cover it. and now i am going round in circles thinnking this blog post makes sense to no one but me. people will think i'm crazy. but i have to get these words out there. these feelings out of my heart.

ugh. what do you get when you cross a chicken and a pitbull? just the pitbull. for tonight, i feel like that chicken. :(

the sad

yeah, so the sad is taking over the world. got a lot in my head just now. wishing there were words. this post is really for me more than for anyone else... i just have to put some thoughts out there for safe keeping so i can get some sleep. dont read if you are easily offended this is not for you.

1 - the angry isnt over
2 - the sad is grief? t says i've only just begun to grieve. great.
3 - so much work to do - so much need to rest - so much arguing in my head over what's more important. this is more than a marathon. but i want it OVER
4 - i think i'm ready to be known regardless of the consequences. but i know i will regret it tomorrow so i'm not acting on that.
5 - oh god, i need to cut
6 - THIS HURTS AND I HATE IT!
7 - "Holy shit."

doing better

another update to tell you how i'm doing.

more and more days without flashbacks and nights without nightmares. this is good. i am so so thankful.

still, the sad endures. i have a lot to be sad about. it's gonna take a while to process these feelings - i know not the depth or width of this ocean of tears - only that it exists and that the space i have inside with which to hold it is far too small...

a lot to think about. a lot to consider.

a marriage with a lot of problems. a nest of children that need a mother. and a congregation of little ones that need someone stable to care and love them. still i have issues. and i cannot possibly attend to all those who seem to need me if i dont tend to my own inside children... my selves who hurt so badly.

i need to learn the word no. while the world (and the church) screams yes at the top of it's voice.

i need. (sigh) need... good days are good things and i know it's a sign of progress, but the sad just... yeah.

shutting up now.

sorry.

its a mixed bag

walking in mixed blessings right now. things are happening that are so so encouraging but at the same time am fighting harder than i think i've ever had to fight before. for instance, i had FOUR DAYS IN A ROW without flashbacks or nightmares or body memories or anything like that. that's not happened since denial! was amazing. at the same time, came out of that and into the worst memories i've had yet and the finding out of who is the alter that's doing the cutting. is a real roller coaster at present and it's hard because i see encouraging progress but it's followed by such desperate battles.

thank you so much for any hugs and prayers you all might send my way.

help?

the sad is taking over the world. i'm trapped and alone. i need help.

si and parts of me

so i've finally gotten a moment to get a grip about what's happening in my world of self injury. i've been doing very well for several weeks but the temptation in the last few days is HUGE again. i am finally recognizing from whence comes my urges. INE. INE is the part that holds the need to cut. to stab. to mutilate. she's the one that needs pain in order to keep it together.

i cant say a lot about her at present. she's very very very very very upset. turns out that photo collage from rosie isnt rosie's. it's INE's. she holds the ritual abuse memories. she holds the worst pain. the torture. and the suicidal parts too. she holds the worst of the messages. she is the one tied to the altar in white.

i am having an awful time accepting her as me. but at least i know now where it is all coming from and why.

hopefully that will mean some relief soon...

update

ok so things have been pretty dark lately. just had to add an update to let you all know that things are lightening up for me. certainly nowhere near all healed but that i am sleeping again (mostly) - the nightmares are way less - so much so that they are adjusting my meds accordingly. and my days are getting better. it's now two weeks since si. and i've told some stuff lately without temptation to hurt myself again.

things with hubby are still tense - i looked into counseling for us but have yet to broach the subject with him as he's had his own share of stress of late.

just had to put an update on here to let you all know i'm still alive and that things are improving.

hopefully will have more to say soon.

me