Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming...

Some days I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo" - always ending up in the same place over and over. This has been an incredibly long week. Belly pain aside, even if it were gone, it's been awful.

Still dealing with all the memories and the feelings. I'm sure people are sick of how long this is taking. But it was horrible. And I've run from it my whole life. For good reason. And there is an awful lot of emotion that I have to clean out. And those who have not walked this path, just could never understand that.

In the beginning, all the blank spots (which really was most of my childhood) really bothered me. I wished I knew why they were missing. I wished I understood what happened. I wanted to know. I figured it was like that old cartoon, "knowing is half the battle!" All I had was one awful night, a lot of doubt and a truckload of questions. I figured if I had the answers, I could close the book and be done. Sounds logical, right?

WRONG CITY!!!! Totally wrong. Uh-uh. Not even close. Wrong-O! Absolutely not. Dead wrong. Dory was right. Maybe there really is something to being blissfully oblivious...

So I've been going through counseling. Been doing all the homework assigned. Answering all the questions. Doing everything expected. Going above and beyond doing research. Trying to find the best way to do this. Wanting to get well with all my heart. Coming to grips with that night. Working through the feelings. Dealing with the flashbacks. Coping with the nightmares. Making progress. And it's been REAL progress. I've come a long way. A really long way.

But recently... like in the last two months... my counselor says it's because I've done so much work and I feel safe, that it's a good sign... but it sure doesn't feel good... I've been discovering what was in the missing parts. Getting answers to my questions. Answers I never wanted to hear. And most of it has fallen on my head in the last week. Hit hard. REALLY, REALLY HARD!

I feel like Dory. Here I am again. Back where I started. All that progress out the window. Completely forgotten.

Don't get me wrong, I'm holding on tight to what God has done. And praying my heart out not to lose it. But WOW IT HURTS!!!!!!

It's thrown my whole world for a loop. And the emotion that is coming with it is as if it happened just now. My heart is raw. My brain is fried. I am totally wiped out. I'm floored. And I'm really having a hard time coping again. breathing. anything.

I have my answers. And they are terrible.

God,
Help me hold on!

Always gotta be a price...

This past weekend's victories were incredible - the stopping of a flashback, the diagnosis of my problem... great stuff.

I knew it wouldn't last forever. I knew the other shoe would drop. I just didn't count on it being a size 573 and dropping right on top of me. Been dealing with MAJOR flashbacks and such the past two days - can't hardly even breathe they're coming so fast.

Pardon me for not posting until it's over - please pray!!!!!!

Answer

They finally found an answer to my belly pain!!!!! Saw my husband's walk in clinic dr today and told him the whole story and he absolutely agreed that this is a hernia - the rare kind we thought - he agreed that they are both very painful and very hard to diagnose - and also said he'd have me in to a surgeon THIS WEEK!

Praise God!

Please pray now that the process runs smoothly. If uncomplicated, this is a very simple procedure that can even be done outpatient. But untreated, it can be life threatening because they believe my intestines may be caught in the hernia. Just pray please that the doctors and hospitals involved quit with the mumbo jumbo and just finally let me get well. If they operate this week, Medicaid will cover ALL of it. If they wait for April, we have to start the process all over again. (even if we do, at least we're on the right track - but it sure would be nice not to lose our house to pay for the surgery...)

Anyway, praise God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will keep y'all posted,
AngieSue

Guess what... :-)

Alright, it's been an incredibly hard week. Haven't posted because it's been hard enough I needed not to say what I felt... Couldn't have concrete black and white proof out there for the men in the white coats to stumble over...it was that bad. Just had to work through some things and try to breathe again. Kind of got sucked under with the low and just needed to survive a while.

Anyway, that's not why I'm posting. I'm still struggling but I had a breakthrough last night that I just had to share. This is HUGE!!!

Last night, for the first time ever, I was able to stop a flashback.

I don't know really if y'all totally understand how incredible this is. I've never been able to stop them before. Ever. I've just re-lived the memories over and over and not been able to do anything about it when they hit. Last night, I had the power to say no. I have some control over what's happening to me now. I have the ability to stop what I never could stop before.

Guess my words are failing me. It sounds so lame reading it and it's such a huge thing. I wish I could describe better how fantastic a victory this is. Just take my word for it, friends, it's HUGE!!!!

Praise God!

Better

Praise God He doesn't leave us at the bottom for long.

Still dealing with the physical issues. Nothing has changed there. But my dear friend D reminded me to read again what I wrote when I was feeling better - the post about breathing and about how all this is worth it. Funny, it was like reading someone else's words but it did help me remember how much hope it gave me and most importantly, that it IS possible if I'll just hold on.

So I'm doing better today. I found a way to get to church (and not have to drive dui with the meds) and even though my congregation has no clue whatsoever why this health issue is so huge for me (because of the gyn issues and the abuse), they wrapped their arms around me (literally) and let me cry and loved me anyway. That was huge. So huge.

So now Darin and the kids have gone to watch the shuttle launch and I'm sitting at home alone and hurting, but it isn't like it was 24 hours ago. I don't feel as hopeless. And that's better.

Holding on. Praying. Making it through one moment at a time. But at least I am making it. Praise God.

I give up...

Okay, ignore that last post. I've spent the day in the hospital undergoing the most degrading tests that there are, only to be told AGAIN that they see reasons for a little pain but nothing that explains the levels and length of time in it all. Another discharge. Another referral. Another prescription for pain pills. Same old story.

I give up. I just don't have it in me anymore to hope, you know? I spent the morning listening to them hear me, taking hope that they would find answers. Taking comfort in their compassion. And at the end of the day, the answer is still the same.

I'm done. I'm done hoping. I'm done caring. I'm done trying. I'm done working. I'm done fighting. Nothing I do matters. Nothing makes a difference. If nothing makes a difference, then why should I put myself through this, huh? I guess I just need to make peace with living this way long term. Make peace with that I am just one of those people that there aren't answers for. I begged and pleaded and cried at the hospital - PLEASE?! We told them we'd mortgage the house or do anything else but to please, please, please treat me. They just flat out said, they don't know what to treat. Whatever this is, in their words, isn't going to kill me today, so they have no choice to refer me elsewhere.

Maybe this is just how life is meant to be. Pain. Discouragement. Disappointment. Maybe I'm really not meant for better. Maybe this is all there is. I'm too stupid to kill myself. Don't get me wrong. Don't call the men in the white coats. Not going there. I wish I could, but I know I won't. If nothing else, I live for my kids. THEY deserve better. Even if I don't, THEY DO. I won't take that from them.

But I don't know what else to do but to give up hope on ever having better for myself. Ever having more than this. Sorry, guys. I tried. I really did.

Hope and A Future?

Okay, so it's 4 am my time (yes, the clock on this thing is set to Pacific so it disagrees with me, but I tell the truth...) and my belly is screaming so I'm awake, but my brain is also working overtime so I thought I'd get a blog in before I go to the hospital after the sun comes up (I refuse to wake my children if I can hang on until morning...but in the morning, we go to the hospital, something has to be done...)

Anyway, thinking about the future in hopeful terms for the first time in a very long time. I'm so proud of me! My bff down here has been encouraging me to consider pursuing my dreams and allowing myself to do something that I'm passionate about whenever I'm through all this pain and her encouragements are finally making sense so I thought I share my thoughts with y'all about it...

I've always wanted to learn sign language...I know a bit, but I'm far from fluent... I've also regretted not completing my degree. I was thinking about both those things and also how they might fit together (study ASL?) and it occurred to me to research it a little...but my passion for helping kids (that's what my husband and I do - we're Children's Pastors) also entered into my thoughts. Well, I started to research and found out something. I never knew that there was such a need for ASL interpreters and workers among abused deaf children! The incidence of abuse among deaf and communication challenged kids is HUGELY higher than the already staggering statistics for mainstream children. The stats tell me that 50-70% of them suffer abuse - 50-70%! Wow. So I was thinking, maybe get my degree in something that could help (child psychology, social work, something along those lines...) with a dual major in ASL and Deaf studies... I have no idea what the hope is for a career in that, being that it's so specific, and I certainly don't want to go for something beyond a Bachelor's degree because of time and money, but suddenly I feel the urge to check into this more. And again, it's the first time in a long time (that is - not since I started this whole "recovery" process...) that I've actually cared about the future, much less been excited about doing something different.

Anyway, thought it was worth sharing. Maybe it's the medicines I'm doped up on, or maybe it's the hour, or maybe it's God finally waking me up to life again, but I just had to share and ask.

What do y'all think?

Grieving...

Okay, so maybe codeine makes things fuzzy and pain makes them crazy but if nothing else I've had a lot of time to think.

Today, I grieve for my family. I'm grieving for the loss of my imaginary family. And I'm finally beginning to be willing to let them go. I grieve for the family that I wished I had - the one I wanted - the one that never was. I grieve for a mother that wanted to dote on me and buy me dresses and pay attention to every detail of my life and cry with me when things were hard and laugh with me when things were not - one that would have killed to keep me safe - a mama bear - a momma. I grieve for a brother who, even though we fought like siblings do, would also have protected me. One that was interested about my life. One that cared about his sister the way that my son cares about my daughter. One that wanted to be involved. One that never ran away. I grieve for a sister that I never had at all. One that would hear the cries of my heart and be my best friend. One that would share every joy and every pain and every moment and every passion. One that would have heard me when I cried and understood and stepped out on my behalf. Most of all, I grieve for a father...no, that's not right...I grieve for a "Daddy". I grieve for a Daddy that loves his daughter more than anything else in all the world. I grieve for a Daddy that calls me "princess" and means it. For one that wouldn't hurt me for all the money in the world and would do anything - anything to make me smile. One that takes joy in all my accomplishments and brushes me off and sets me back up to try again when the world knocks me down. One that treasures me and cheers me on. One that thinks those that do "unthinkable things" are monsters. One that would never in a million years consider becoming a monster himself.

Today I grieve for that family. Today, I accept that it will never be. Today I admit that it was never mine. Today, I weep for what I wished for. It's the first baby step toward accepting what was: I accept what was NOT.

I weep. But I weep honestly. To all the little girls in the world who actually HAVE families like that: I'm soooooooooo happy for you. I pray you realize what an amazing gift that is...

Thinking

Okay so I've been doing a lot of thinking... My belly has had me pretty much incapacitated the past couple of days - any effort at all on my part (even the simple act of folding one load of laundry) is wiping me out. When all you can do is sit, thinking is pretty much unavoidable...

Got in a fight with my mother on Sunday about my step-father. It's been bothering me big time. Normally, submission is totally my thing, but lately I'm realizing some of his demands are more than a bit unreasonable. The latest one was a blatant attack on my husband's and my authority to have a say on when and how they can take our children, especially in relation to missing church. It is not wrong for us to assert the ability to say no if they announce they're taking the children on a Sunday. Yet, they were very angry when we did and it threw me big time when my mother not only took my step-father's side, but tried to manipulate the kids to do the same. When I had cooled off enough to confront her on that (also something new - confrontation is not my thing), before I could say anything, it came out that he's been going over the top again in his controlling at home and that he is in the process of enacting major life changes that will cost her dearly and has not consulted her in the matter whatsoever. It broke my heart. Confrontation cancelled.

Realized last night as I was talking with a dear friend that this is such a big deal to me because I've been very much needing to protect my mother. But here's the deal:

1 - She's an adult. She chose this man. She has the ability to say something in this matter and is choosing not to. For whatever reason, she chooses to live this way.
2 - He's controlling like crazy and very self-centered, but he's not physically harming anyone. This is not my father. Alarm bells may be ringing in my head, but he is not going to harm her physically. That situation is over. It's different now.
3 - It's not my job to protect her. I can encourage her. I can offer to help. I can be there as a daughter and friend. But I'm out of line in stepping into the role of protector. Especially if she is choosing this for herself by not confronting his behavior.
4 - Ahhh, this is the hard one. Not only is it not my job to protect her, it was her job to protect me...

And here come the flood of emotions from when I was a kid. Because in the midst of all of this mess, the flashbacks have not stopped. And just before all of this blew in, I was dealing with that I tried to tell her... I was very, very small and had no good words to express it, so she didn't understand, but nevertheless I tried to tell her and she didn't hear me. She didn't protect me. She didn't try. Although she never connected the dots on the sexual abuse, she did know about the other. She was there when he came at me with a knife when I was six to "help me" stop sucking my thumb...and when he made a joke out of trying to drown me in the lake...and when he held his keg parties in our backyard...and when he had his drunken rages...she heard the things he said to me, saw the way he treated me. She was upset with him, but she stayed. She had words with him, but she stayed. She never took action to leave until she had to physically pull him off me a decade later... we stayed until he had become a monster that couldn't be stopped and the damage was already done. And here I am, feeling guilty for not protecting HER. How messed up is that?

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But I've got to come to my senses here. Thinking about my thought train, and the logic pattern (or lack thereof) makes me realize just how much work I still have left to do.

I'm sad. Won't hide it. I'm mourning that it had to get that bad. It really hurts that it was allowed to go that far. But I'm also realizing how messed up I've let it get. I'm realizing that now, as an adult, it's my turn to take control. It's my turn to say "enough". And I'm not going to wait another decade. I've got to stand my ground now. I have to take up for myself because no one else is going to. With God's help, I'll grow a backbone and reprogram my brain and learn to function in healthy ways. And protect my children from repeating this pattern. EVER.

Amazing. When am I going to learn? Right now!

Pray

Only have a couple of minutes to type this post because I'm late for the day even though it's not even 7 am... but just had to vent just a little. I'm so scared! Life is coming at me way too fast. All of the memories and flashbacks - the hugeness of the realizations of how bad things were for me - the whole mess that came down with my family this weekend and the fight with my mother - and then having to go to a surgeon today for consultation for exploratory surgery because this belly pain just won't quit... it's all too much! I'm scared. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to handle it all. I don't know how to juggle even just the logistics, much less the implications. How did life suddenly get so complicated? I'm not trying to be a whiner, I'm just realizing that running was so simple and feeling things makes thing so much more difficult... No, I'm not quitting. I remember my last post. I know it will be worth it. But today, I'm afraid. The journey is overwhelming. Do you ever wish you could just call in sick from life and take the day off?!

Don't Forget!!!!

This entry is to remind me what freedom feels like. To help me remember so I don’t quit. To keep going until I get there. Because it will totally be worth it.

Before today, I walked only in pain. I walked in guilt. In shame. In condemnation. The pressure was like living underwater. Living at 500 feet down. Murky. Dark. Intense. Seeing things in a blur. Needing lots of coping skills just to breathe. Fighting to move. The surface was a mystery not meant for people like me. Hard to picture a mountaintop when you live so far below even the valleys… The idea of being free was really something I figured would happen only in heaven…

Today I got a taste, just a glimpse of what freedom feels like.

It’s amazing. It’s totally worth fighting for. Worth the flashbacks and nightmares. Worth the work. For real.

Today, the light bulb went on in my head on just one issue. And it was amazing. I realized that all of the things he did to me and he said and all of the ways I hurt… ALL of it was HIS bad. My father was a sick and twisted monster and it was HIS choice to put me there and to do what he did. But I never deserved it. And I could have done nothing to prevent it. Not one iota was in my control. What he did was wrong and he had no right to do it. Not in the slightest. And instead of being just words, I really understood and believed it. I no longer had to carry the burden he wrongly buried me beneath. What a difference.

When it clicked, the guilt lifted. The shame fled. And I was able to breathe. The burden was so heavy… it was like suddenly instead of being under 500 feet of water, I was freed to float at the surface and breathe regular air. Suddenly, things made sense. I could see clearly. I could breathe freely. It no longer took huge amounts of energy to move or think or communicate. Suddenly I was free of all of that.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I’m told. I’m not even out of the water yet. I have a beach waiting. And sunshine. I’ll learn to walk right. And to dance. And to run. And there’s a mountaintop that awaits me and a view that will floor me I’m sure. And freedom like I can’t even imagine. If this is just a taste of what’s to come, then yes, freedom will be worth every sleepless night and every flashback and every awful word and painful tear. This ocean of tears that has drowned me will no longer hold me captive. Maybe I may even learn to fly… and even the mountain will be conquered… imagine that… wow…

I write this so I’ll remember. I know the road is long. I know the workload is tremendous. But I write this to remind myself that the reward is real. And that death is not required to experience it. I’ve tasted it. Romans 8:18 is right – it WILL be worth it. I write this so I don’t forget.

Relief

Thank y'all for your prayers. I feel soooooooooo much better today.
I know that I yet have plenty far to go, but today I celebrate victory...

Today, things finally came into perspective. I saw the wrong as HIS and not mine. I finally found a way to understand and allow myself to see it as it was and to give myself the room to see that I was just a kid and there really was NOTHING I could do.

I'm seriously mad at my father right now. And have plenty to work through along those lines. But it just feels so great not to wear the shame and the guilt right now that I could dance.

Praise God! Just wanted to share. :-)

Prayer Request

Been a super emotional couple of days. Have not done much real sleeping lately. Am worn out and completely exhausted. Dont' really have time or energy to get into it, but need to ask:

To my personal prayer warriors:
1 - THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 - Praise God I'm moving forward even though it hurts...
2 - I need prayer for rest so I can continue the fight...
3 - I need prayer for the ability to open up to my counselor about the latest developments - it's intensely painful and i'm very afraid to share but know i need to - I meet with her tomorrow morning. Please pray for Godly courage.

Thanks y'all,
AngieSue

this is so hard

this is so stinking hard. i'm overwhelmed. can't breathe. can't think. can't function. belly is screaming but my heart cries louder.

the flashbacks i've been so dreading finally came. i should be proud of me for surrendering and allowing them and dealing with them. it was better than i thought it would be - and God was there with me thru it. but it's still aweful. terrible.

flashed through the whole thing all night last night. feel like i've been physically through it too. i'm so sore.

today, i'm just a big, wet, gooey ball of tears and sorrow. feel used up, wadded up and left for dead.

guess that's really all i had to say today. i know i'll heal. i know last night was a step in the right direction. but today, it stinks - it hurts - and it's hard. today, i hate my life.

just had to get it out there. venting it helps. i'm not so alone when i can say how bad it feels... i'll make it through...

giving up in a good way

Alright. My friends are right. Fighting this only prolongs it. As much as I don't want to admit it, the only way out is through. I've searched and searched for the back door and found that it doesn't exist. No escape. I resign myself to face it so I can finally be done someday. I admit that I'm petrified. The idea is terrifying. Flashing back and reliving these things is horrendous. But running a gazillion miles an hour 24/7 and never allowing myself to rest is something I can't keep up with anymore either. So I give up. God, I give up in a good way. Have Your way. I surrender. Please don't hurt me... I'll try not to fight.

The following song, "If You Want Me To," was emailed to me by a dear friend. Ginny Owens sings it. Her words are better than mine...

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

A + B

Dealing with flashbacks. Puzzle pieces. Pieces I never wanted. New memories are attacking.

Not in a place where I feel free to post a lot of it right now, but suffice to say I know more is coming and it's the part I've dreaded most and really hoped to escape from.

Please pray God meets me here - I'm stuck and I'm petrified.

Thank you,
Ang