things are looking up

ok so here's what's been going on SINCE i posted those pictures. i was in a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY dark place but i've been getting better since. have been processing the anger and it's internal and external consequences. wounded on both of those fronts, but healing.

have taken a load of time to reflect. have done some additional art in the way of expressing my feelings and finally feel unburdened enough from it to be able to say with some certainty that i'm on the up side of this now.

something i read in a dear friend's blog this morning really hit home regarding my battle with self injury... whatever i'm going thru was awful, yes and unfair and wrong and all those things. but that doesnt mean i have to SI. i am beginning to see that although it helps me cope in the moment, it does nothing for me in the long run and only hinders my healing. it sounds so simple a statement that i should have seen this a long time ago - and it's not that it's not been pointed out to me bluntly enough or any of that. it's just that i'm suddenly seeing it in a new light and it's making an awful lot of sense.

yes, i messed up and hurt myself again this past week. but that doesnt mean i have to do it again. i choose instead, to see the long term progress of several months free with only a couple of mistakes. and that's all they are, mistakes - not long term statements about my value as a person.

standing on my own today and feeling good about myself as a person - getting a lot of chores accomplished and looking forward to the future. have a conference on healing from DID this weekend. looking forward to going into it with a clear head so that i can learn as much as possible and come out of it even stronger.

yes, things are looking up.

how i've been feeling

how i've been feeling:

what the LOUD in my head feels like:

breathing again

just a note to thank you all for your prayers. my head broke thru the surface this morning and i am breathing again. still hurting oh so badly. but at least breathing.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i am angry. so stinking angry. angry enough that cuss words are flowing thru my head without me intending to. (not out my mouth so much but i hate they're in my head).

angry at my mother. for not hearing me. for abandoning me and not caring when i needed her most. for not taking the time to know what was happening and for not caring enough to know now either.

so angry i'm dreaming of si. in cruel and inhumane ways. in harsh, bloody, raggedness. and .... oh God and.... and wishing for death again. it's in my heart and in my head and in my thoughts.

i am angry now at me. not my mom. because i just cant get it right.

i need help.

oh my goodness what a ride it's been. Christmas went well. we survived all the craziness that my family brings and it was actually good. :) week after christmas was crazy and good - had a visit from a very dear friend and her son and then another visit from a special couple from our previous church. it was a good week. went back to therapy feeling good and ready to face the world. house organized, book found that i wanted to share with t, everything well...

apparently not THAT well. giving her the book made me shaky and unsure of myself, like if i gave it to her i was admitting i went thru that... it was specifically written for survivors of ra. stink.

before i knew it i was flashing bad. i had gone for a walk with K at a park we frequent. it's never been an issue before but this time it was serious - the woods we walk in, although safe and tropical and nothing like the woods i was hurt in, became northern all of a sudden and it was like taking a tour of life sites and coming up on... yeah. you know what i mean. i'm having to remind myself to breathe as i type this...

i managed to make it halfway home before the hugeness of that hit me. it was bad. i couldnt tell up from down, flashback from reality, anything. for days. tuesday, wednesday, thursday and now i'm at friday and barely conscious of truth. head spinning, heart pounding, voices screaming, and trying to function for my kids... whatever breakthru that awaits is probably a biggie for a fight this hard. it's been a long time since it messed me up like this.

gtg now. kids r home. ugh.