spoke to hubby

he just doesnt get it. shared my poem with him and he just shrugged it off. feeling pretty alone right now. :(

A new name

INE has a new name. It's Precious. she is allowed to exist now. counseling has been hard but good. just wanted to share that.

anger

anger at my grandfather. anger at my mother. anger at the shadow people. anger. not an easy subject. controversial really but so far, very eye opening. my christian friends will swear by the truth of the need for forgiveness. i agree. but i also believe that in order to fully forgive, i need to fully accept what happened and that's going to stir up anger. anger no longer directed at God or myself. therefore, something i need to allow to happen. so here i am. this post is letting that flow out. so, here i go... i'm angry at my grandfather - he wrote that book and put in it that it was my mother's fault for the divorce and subsequent death of my father. he never acknowledged even a little of the hell we endured. my father could do no wrong. i say BOLOGNA! Bull! and then to have admitted to intentionally hiding the contents of whatever note was left behind... he's guilty by association then. how can you be so quick to judge? easy. easy peasy lemon squeezy people. try living what i lived and having someone laugh in your face over it and see how that feels! yeah, he's a deluded old man who wants to live in fantasy land. that's what my mother says. let him live in his little world. a quote... let him see what his son wanted him to see... WHY?! to preserve my father's memory in a dying man's eyes. translation my grandfather's wishes usurp my need for validation from my pain. you know what? no. no! not this time. at least here in my private little blog i can let my feelings go and let them out and no one can yell at me and tell me i dont matter. i've played pretend at their every whim for my whole life. i'm done. i'm so done. yes, i WILL publish my book whenever it's done. my story needs to be told and i choose this day not to bow down any longer and kiss the feet that kick me. God, please help me to forgive in due time. please help me not to let my anger turn into bitterness but also please help me to realize that righteously indignant is something you feel too. what they did was wrong. and it's about time someone said it.

liar liar pants on fire

my grandfather is such a stupid liar. i hate him. hate hate hate him in this moment. he blamed the divorce on dad's acting career and mom's insistence that he stay close. AND he ADMITTED there WAS a note left behind at the scene of the suicide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so mad i could spit and cuss and beat up and be awful to that mean old man who claims to be my grandfather but has the gall to contact me and feed me these LIES. i hate him. i hate my dad. i hate what they did. God, this HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God was with me - TRIGGERING

God was with me when the slid the hood over my head... God was with me when they threw me across the room and into the wall... God was with me as i lay in a heap, unconcious there, where i fell... He wept for what was happening.... ... God was with me when they stripped me ... He was there when they stole my clothes... quietly reminding me they stole his too... ... He was with me on the table. the dreaded table... He was with me in the forest surrounded by evil men... He was with me in the concrete room and the blinding light... it was His voice that screamed and cried when i had none... and He cradled me in His arms when i ceased to exist... at the hands of my abusers... when i became an object of torture... rather than a human being... ... he took the cold water to rinse the blood away... it was His blood too, that bled for this... that i might live... and survive... when i prayed to die, He allowed INE to take my place... just as He took mine on the cross to bear my pain... when i cry out "why?!" "how?!"... he listens and cares... He is the Man that proves that all men are not bad... and that i am indeed worthy of love... it is He that stores my tears up in buckets and barrels... and He who will relieve me of this pain one day... when i lie in a heap... at the foot of His throne.

Rosie and INE

so Rosie and INE have been quite vocal today. flashbacks and crying and feeling very bad about ourselves. it was suggested we talk about it - so we tried to but no one was much around for very long. only one whole conversation and that ended up in making our dear friend late so we felt badly. other than that all conversations resulted in being cut short. Rosie is so so lonely. and INE is so so afraid. we are trying to fight it but it's hard. yes i know i'm whining. but golly people, it was AWEFUL what they endured!!!!!! so yeah, we're sitting with the sad. with the scared. with the loneliness. and we are trying to convince INE that she wasnt bad. we could really use some hugs if anyone has any. sorry. :'(

therapy

so i talked to my therapist about the anger. turns out it was bigger than just the anger at the doctor. it was based in some irrational logic in my head. it doesnt make sense when i type it but somehow it follows logic in my head, but i had been getting upset at the doc and my hubby's comments (pretty much the same thing for each of them) that i should just think of something else as dismissing my concerns because they dont matter. which led to i dont matter. which led to i'm not enough. i know these thoughts are wrong. i just dont know how to stop them. but at least acknowledging that those were incorrect helped me not to feel so invalidated. ok - this probably makes no sense as my head hurts from thinking and being triggered but i just wanted to get the gist out so i can walk away and be ok. if this makes no sense, come back later and i will have had a chance (after my head stops pounding) to look this over and correct it so it does make sense). thanks for listening

GRRRRR

so frustrated with my psychiatrist. i went today for a follow up appointment for my medications and mentioned that i've been struggling with depression and sad lately. she asked why and i let her know that i've been covering difficult material in therapy. her advice? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - she said we shouldnt focus on the past in therapy but just current issues and how to go on from here because it would make me sad.... ISNT THAT THE POINT???????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ugh - where do these people get off telling me i have to work thru it and then not to think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (feeling very sad and alone - heading to therapy to discuss this with my counselor very soon but just had to get it out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!