still here. so sorry. battling like crazy. but finally seeing real progress.
things finally starting to make sense. and the voices in my head are losing their power. and because of that i'm beginning to see me gaining mine. don't feel quite comfortable telling details of my story here - just too graphic - but needless to say that i'm beginning to understand more and more - things are making sense. and in my support group, i broke my silence today. just a piece, but it's a start.
also, my self harming urges are backing off, as i'm realizing just how small and powerless i really was - am forgiving that little girl and learning to have mercy on her and be gentle with myself.
just wanted to let y'all know. Praise God! we may just do this yet!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Made A Decision
Have been in hiding. Have spent the last few days praying and pondering over things, seeking God for clarity and progress. Just HAD to do SOMETHING... had bad reaction to sleeping medicines that have had me having seizures as of late and the idea of fighting without sleep sent me into desperation mode at God's feet.
Made a decision. Basically, if i'm going to be miserable anyway, i'm going to go down fighting. enough is enough. it's time. realized that all of the things going thru my head over and over - the messages pounded into me over the years - none of it is doing me any good at all and running in fear of it isn't either. i have to get free.
until now, i realize i've still been running from it - yes, letting a select few people know about my pain - but still running from it. my mantra, so to speak, has been "how in the world do i live with this..." this changes now. now, i fight back. i stop running. i stop hiding behind my pain. i stop hiding, period. how in the world do i live with this? i don't know. i have absolutely no idea. but it's time to try.
praying now over a battle plan, as i KNOW this is going to be a battle. began with being honest with my therapist today about some things i'd been very afraid to say. and also with my dr, since i had to see her about the seizures anyway. together, God is directing the three of us about how to win this battle. but battle i will.
i have made a decision. i will no longer hide. it's time to fight. i WILL be free!
Made a decision. Basically, if i'm going to be miserable anyway, i'm going to go down fighting. enough is enough. it's time. realized that all of the things going thru my head over and over - the messages pounded into me over the years - none of it is doing me any good at all and running in fear of it isn't either. i have to get free.
until now, i realize i've still been running from it - yes, letting a select few people know about my pain - but still running from it. my mantra, so to speak, has been "how in the world do i live with this..." this changes now. now, i fight back. i stop running. i stop hiding behind my pain. i stop hiding, period. how in the world do i live with this? i don't know. i have absolutely no idea. but it's time to try.
praying now over a battle plan, as i KNOW this is going to be a battle. began with being honest with my therapist today about some things i'd been very afraid to say. and also with my dr, since i had to see her about the seizures anyway. together, God is directing the three of us about how to win this battle. but battle i will.
i have made a decision. i will no longer hide. it's time to fight. i WILL be free!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sad, Scared, Confused
I am battling so many emotions right now. In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, a very, very dear friend of mine that shares a similar background to mine was found again by her dad and attacked pretty severely. I encouraged her to go to the police (this would be the first time she's done so) and she did. So now it's been almost 18 hours since I've heard from her and it's getting really hard to think that she's okay. I know logically they've probably got her in some kind of shelter so she can't communicate (to keep her safe) but it's so hard to not know.
I'm holding on and being strong. Another dear friend, was so smart, she knows that weekends are hard on me, told me to write myself a note after Friday's therapy session to remind me to hold on and be strong. I'm holding on to that and reading it and doing my best. She's right, it IS helping, but it's still so hard.
If any of you think to pray for her, please do. There are two little girls and one young lady at risk here - pray God keeps them safe please.
Thanks,
me
I'm holding on and being strong. Another dear friend, was so smart, she knows that weekends are hard on me, told me to write myself a note after Friday's therapy session to remind me to hold on and be strong. I'm holding on to that and reading it and doing my best. She's right, it IS helping, but it's still so hard.
If any of you think to pray for her, please do. There are two little girls and one young lady at risk here - pray God keeps them safe please.
Thanks,
me
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Praise God for progress!
last night i told a friend. the worst details. the newest memories. i told her and she loved me anyway. i finally let it be true - including the most horrible parts. and i discovered what i never thought possible... i discovered that it IS possible to let it (the event) be true AND still combat it (the lies)... just have to separate them from each other and have courage enough to look at it long enough to do so. so grateful my friend helped me and loved me through it... truly was worried i'd lose her telling her what i did. amazed me when i didn't.
anyway, an even more amazing thing happened after i did that. i actually SLEPT. i've been having nightmares for months - and terribly awful ones for weeks. i finally escaped in my dream and got away from the people hurting me. i lit the house (in the dream, not for real) on fire that they were in and i ran far far far away. far enough away to find the safe place where the other kids were playing. the place where no bad guys can go. and little me actually smiled. they invited her to play. and although she was awkward in how to do that exactly, she felt safe enough to join in.
and today i finally feel better. it's like the war in my heart is quiet. i'm so glad. and i had to share it with you. Praise God!!!!!!!!!!
anyway, thanks for listening and praying. Praise God for progress!
anyway, an even more amazing thing happened after i did that. i actually SLEPT. i've been having nightmares for months - and terribly awful ones for weeks. i finally escaped in my dream and got away from the people hurting me. i lit the house (in the dream, not for real) on fire that they were in and i ran far far far away. far enough away to find the safe place where the other kids were playing. the place where no bad guys can go. and little me actually smiled. they invited her to play. and although she was awkward in how to do that exactly, she felt safe enough to join in.
and today i finally feel better. it's like the war in my heart is quiet. i'm so glad. and i had to share it with you. Praise God!!!!!!!!!!
anyway, thanks for listening and praying. Praise God for progress!
Monday, July 13, 2009
So Confused...
i am so confused. so so confused. i hate little me. i hate her and blame her for everything. she's the only one i've ever been allowed to be mad at so all my anger goes there and i'm VERY VERY VERY angry. pardon me for not being pretty about this but i've got to figure this through so i'm just going to let it all spill out so i can sort it out.
i hate her. i wish she'd never been born. she was stupid. stupid and weak. if she'd fought him harder. or resisted him more. or been able to go away in her head better. if she'd not succumbed to his tactics. something... something... none of this pain would be if it weren't because she was too whatever to make it go away.
don't even start with me on the "none of this was her fault" bologna either. i've heard the arguments - he was bigger, he was stronger, he would have killed her if she'd done those things... don't you think i know that? that was life and death! she had the gall to be born, why didn't she have the gall to end it? it WAS to the death, but she caved. and now this pain is killing me and it's all her fault. if she'd fought him, he would have killed her - good - end of pain. if she'd dissociated better, i'd be still buried - good - end of pain. if she'd not succumbed to his tactics and believed his lies, i'd have the strength i need to finish this and heal. every time i hurt, it's because she did it wrong. i hate her.
but then you get the arguement - she had no choice. she was so small. she did the best she could with what she knew. that hurts. it's true. it really was. but until now i had her locked in that closet all safe and tucked away - they couldn't hurt me any more. she demands to get out - to be part of me... that's not fair. i'm an adult now - don't i get a choice?! do you think i WANT to live with those labels? to live with that past? PEOPLE!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but then...if i keep her locked in that closet... i'm doing the same thing my mother did. denial. her idea of healing is closing the door - locking it like a gazillion times - barracading it - bricking over the barracades. sheetrocking the brick. painting over it. putting furniture in front of it. pretending it never existed and calling that healed. dear God, that's exactly what i've been doing... this is NOT healed... not even close.
so what am i supposed to do? "face it" they say. "face it in all it's awfulness and accept it for what it was and move on"... so stinking easy to say. feels so impossible to do. because if i face it i have to live with it. forever. have to live with those labels i never wanted.
I CANNOT BE WHAT HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NOT BE WHAT HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's so much pain. so much awfulness. so many horrible things that i don't want to be a part of me. things i don't know how to live with that happened. and that little girl... little me... she was made to believe all that. to behave based on all that. to... no no no no no no no no no... it's like asking me to jump off a cliff... nobody seems to understand the consequences. everyone thinks this is just a little hop...that i'm being so stubborn because it's like 3 feet down.
IT'S MORE LIKE THREE MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know how to do this.
if i accept her, i accept him and all that he was. all that he did. all that he said. all that he forced her to be. and i accept this world as a place to be utterly alone - a place where there's really no rescue and bad people can do whatever they want - a place where even mommies look the other way - a place where "free will" means no one is safe... not even the kids i minister too... not even my own children. this is like a mini multiple personality thing. as long as i hate her and keep her at arms length, i continue to hold some semblance of control - it all happened to HER. the minute i allow her to be me - it happened to me, too. who in their right mind volunteers for THAT?! i am so sick of trying to explain to people the enormity of that. i just dont know how to explain it in a way people understand without using the words that say it all... this is MY blog... maybe i will...
or maybe i won't. saying it only makes it real. makes it hurt more. makes it harder to run from. harder to hide from. harder to figure out.
i'm so confused...
i hate her. i wish she'd never been born. she was stupid. stupid and weak. if she'd fought him harder. or resisted him more. or been able to go away in her head better. if she'd not succumbed to his tactics. something... something... none of this pain would be if it weren't because she was too whatever to make it go away.
don't even start with me on the "none of this was her fault" bologna either. i've heard the arguments - he was bigger, he was stronger, he would have killed her if she'd done those things... don't you think i know that? that was life and death! she had the gall to be born, why didn't she have the gall to end it? it WAS to the death, but she caved. and now this pain is killing me and it's all her fault. if she'd fought him, he would have killed her - good - end of pain. if she'd dissociated better, i'd be still buried - good - end of pain. if she'd not succumbed to his tactics and believed his lies, i'd have the strength i need to finish this and heal. every time i hurt, it's because she did it wrong. i hate her.
but then you get the arguement - she had no choice. she was so small. she did the best she could with what she knew. that hurts. it's true. it really was. but until now i had her locked in that closet all safe and tucked away - they couldn't hurt me any more. she demands to get out - to be part of me... that's not fair. i'm an adult now - don't i get a choice?! do you think i WANT to live with those labels? to live with that past? PEOPLE!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but then...if i keep her locked in that closet... i'm doing the same thing my mother did. denial. her idea of healing is closing the door - locking it like a gazillion times - barracading it - bricking over the barracades. sheetrocking the brick. painting over it. putting furniture in front of it. pretending it never existed and calling that healed. dear God, that's exactly what i've been doing... this is NOT healed... not even close.
so what am i supposed to do? "face it" they say. "face it in all it's awfulness and accept it for what it was and move on"... so stinking easy to say. feels so impossible to do. because if i face it i have to live with it. forever. have to live with those labels i never wanted.
I CANNOT BE WHAT HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NOT BE WHAT HE CALLED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's so much pain. so much awfulness. so many horrible things that i don't want to be a part of me. things i don't know how to live with that happened. and that little girl... little me... she was made to believe all that. to behave based on all that. to... no no no no no no no no no... it's like asking me to jump off a cliff... nobody seems to understand the consequences. everyone thinks this is just a little hop...that i'm being so stubborn because it's like 3 feet down.
IT'S MORE LIKE THREE MILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't know how to do this.
if i accept her, i accept him and all that he was. all that he did. all that he said. all that he forced her to be. and i accept this world as a place to be utterly alone - a place where there's really no rescue and bad people can do whatever they want - a place where even mommies look the other way - a place where "free will" means no one is safe... not even the kids i minister too... not even my own children. this is like a mini multiple personality thing. as long as i hate her and keep her at arms length, i continue to hold some semblance of control - it all happened to HER. the minute i allow her to be me - it happened to me, too. who in their right mind volunteers for THAT?! i am so sick of trying to explain to people the enormity of that. i just dont know how to explain it in a way people understand without using the words that say it all... this is MY blog... maybe i will...
or maybe i won't. saying it only makes it real. makes it hurt more. makes it harder to run from. harder to hide from. harder to figure out.
i'm so confused...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
NEED PRAYER!!!
he doesn't go away. he never goes away. it just keeps getting harder. i know it sounds crazy but i swear he's trying to kill me.
had a long talk with my therapist and with a couple of very trusted friends... everyone said the same thing. this is not a battle with my father. yes, the memories exist. yes, the abuse was horrendous. but he is dead. he cannot come back and "haunt" - this is flat out a spiritual battle. and i can't fight it alone. something big must be at stake because there are no stops pulled here...
i won't lie - the nightmares and flashbacks are the worst i've ever had. i'm truly unsure that i'm up for this task. at the same time, i'm so thankful that i have promises to stand on - God says that He is faithful to complete the work he started, that all things work for good to those He calls, and that His calling is without repentance... so I'm calling out and hanging on and calling in the troops for support. Please, everyone, please pray hard right now?
last night, during one of the really, really bad nightmares... i managed to squeak in a word - just one - Jesus. He stopped the dream. But left me with a realization of how bad it was - what my father did - a reality check. And a breaking heart for what happened. i'm exhausted. i'm confused. i'm battling to the death. but i'm not giving up. please hang with me, ok? this has to end eventually, right?
had a long talk with my therapist and with a couple of very trusted friends... everyone said the same thing. this is not a battle with my father. yes, the memories exist. yes, the abuse was horrendous. but he is dead. he cannot come back and "haunt" - this is flat out a spiritual battle. and i can't fight it alone. something big must be at stake because there are no stops pulled here...
i won't lie - the nightmares and flashbacks are the worst i've ever had. i'm truly unsure that i'm up for this task. at the same time, i'm so thankful that i have promises to stand on - God says that He is faithful to complete the work he started, that all things work for good to those He calls, and that His calling is without repentance... so I'm calling out and hanging on and calling in the troops for support. Please, everyone, please pray hard right now?
last night, during one of the really, really bad nightmares... i managed to squeak in a word - just one - Jesus. He stopped the dream. But left me with a realization of how bad it was - what my father did - a reality check. And a breaking heart for what happened. i'm exhausted. i'm confused. i'm battling to the death. but i'm not giving up. please hang with me, ok? this has to end eventually, right?
Saturday, July 4, 2009
a letter of venting
from little ang... (yeah, it's both very raw and very long - sorry - had a lot i needed to say)
daddy
GO AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GO AWAY!!!
i'm so tired, daddy. i'm so tired of living in this closet. i wish you would go away and leave me alone. i'm so so so so tired... i hate that you make me hide in this closet. i hate that you torture me day and night. i hate that you sneak up on me every time things are good. i hate that you won't let me rest. i'm exhausted. please... please leave me alone, daddy. please? please go away?
i did everything to please you daddy. i made you the center of my world to earn your love. i did anything and everything for you. things a little girl should never have to do. i even tried to DIE for you, daddy. it's time to let me go. i can't please you. i can't do it. i just don't have it left in me... i can't be your slave anymore. please, please, please... let me be free.
you hurt me. you hurt me real bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you hurt me really bad… you’re a very mean daddy. a mean daddy that makes me feel sick. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. it makes me feel yucky and bad.
you never let me say no. NO! NO! NO! i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? i want to cry out loud - to scream - to be allowed to show this pain - it hurts and i am so afraid… i am so so so afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i wish you would go away and leave me alone...
you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m bad. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. i’m so so so so sorry – i promise i’m really, really sorry… all i want to do is be good. i’m trying – i’m trying so hard! but i don’t know what i’m supposed to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make anybody mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i just don’t know how…
daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that even in your dying words, you lied. that i am not a bad girl. that you are not dead because of me. i get so confused. i want to be good. i don't want to believe you anymore. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i wanted to please the most. but you lied to me, daddy! now i just want you to go away!
i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so the people won’t see my tears. so they won’t see my fear. so they will love me. so i can be good… i’m trying SO HARD to be good… but nothing makes sense. it never makes sense. i don’t understand… i can’t make it work – i try so hard – i promise I do… i want to be good, i really do!!!
why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because you proved I’m stupid? you LIE – i’m NOT stupid – you MADE me do those things… you are so MEAN… you gave me no choice and you called me stupid for it!!! do you smile because i’m finally sorry enough? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i ever wanted to do was make you happy… it’s NOT FAIR!!! IT’S SO NOT FAIR!!!! my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to go away? because i wish you were dead in my head like you are for real? you broke me, daddy! you broke my heart and my will and just plain ME and it wasn’t fair!!!! not even close to fair… you are a mean, mean man…
i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don't know how...i don't know how... nobody tells me how! i don't know how to get free. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to make my owies heal... how to make you go away and leave me alone. i’m afraid to come out. i am afraid to let people see me - i'm afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid they'll hurt me too. that they’ll hate me too. that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love who i really am because i can’t do anything right, ever. what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust? i'm so scared... i’m so so so so scared.
i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…please. please, i need you to go away from me, daddy. please go away and leave me alone, daddy. please. please, i want to be free. i can't ever get free if you keep me trapped in here. please, daddy, please - please leave me alone. please go away!
i’m mad with you, daddy. i am SO, SO mad. in my head I have bad thoughts. i wish i could do bad things to you too, sometimes. i am trying so hard to forgive but being trapped like this makes me really, really mad. i don’t want to be like you, daddy. i don’t want to fall into your trap and be a mad monster like you. i try to make this mad go away. it scares me like crazy. but I’m very mad at you. what you did was not fair… NOT FAIR!!!
(she curls up tiny in her closet behind the boxes, and blankets, and clothes – crying hard, silently screaming and desperately trying to swallow the pain and the mad and make it stop… that’s all she can say for now...)
daddy
GO AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GO AWAY!!!
i'm so tired, daddy. i'm so tired of living in this closet. i wish you would go away and leave me alone. i'm so so so so tired... i hate that you make me hide in this closet. i hate that you torture me day and night. i hate that you sneak up on me every time things are good. i hate that you won't let me rest. i'm exhausted. please... please leave me alone, daddy. please? please go away?
i did everything to please you daddy. i made you the center of my world to earn your love. i did anything and everything for you. things a little girl should never have to do. i even tried to DIE for you, daddy. it's time to let me go. i can't please you. i can't do it. i just don't have it left in me... i can't be your slave anymore. please, please, please... let me be free.
you hurt me. you hurt me real bad. i want to tell you how you made me feel. you are a bad daddy. bad, bad daddy… you hurt me really bad… you’re a very mean daddy. a mean daddy that makes me feel sick. please stop. please, please, please stop, daddy – i don’t like that. it makes me feel yucky and bad.
you never let me say no. NO! NO! NO! i need to cry, daddy. why won’t you let me cry? i want to cry out loud - to scream - to be allowed to show this pain - it hurts and i am so afraid… i am so so so afraid, i don’t like this game… please don’t hurt me, daddy. please don’t hurt me like you do…you make me so afraid. i want to yell. i want to cry. i want to fight you. i want to love you and make you happy. and i don’t understand. i don’t know what you want. i don’t know how to make you happy. i am so confused and scared. i wish you would go away and leave me alone...
you tell me i’m a bad girl. you tell me you do this because i’m bad. you say this is what bad feels like. i feel it daddy. i do. i feel it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry for everything. i’m so so so so sorry – i promise i’m really, really sorry… all i want to do is be good. i’m trying – i’m trying so hard! but i don’t know what i’m supposed to do or not do. i want to scream and cry. but i don’t feel like that because i want to be bad or make anybody mad, daddy. i feel like that because i want so much to understand. i want to be good, i do, i really, really do, i promise. i want to be good and make you happy and let me go… i just don’t know how…
daddy, my new friends tell me that you are wrong. that you lied to me. that even in your dying words, you lied. that i am not a bad girl. that you are not dead because of me. i get so confused. i want to be good. i don't want to believe you anymore. you’re my daddy. in all the world, you are the one i wanted to please the most. but you lied to me, daddy! now i just want you to go away!
i’m afraid, daddy. i’m afraid. and i hide in my closet. i hide in there to cry so the people won’t see my tears. so they won’t see my fear. so they will love me. so i can be good… i’m trying SO HARD to be good… but nothing makes sense. it never makes sense. i don’t understand… i can’t make it work – i try so hard – i promise I do… i want to be good, i really do!!!
why, daddy? why do you treat me like that? why won’t you love me? why won’t you see me when i’m doing good things? why do you hurt me? why, if i’m so bad, do you smile when you hurt me? why do you LIKE my pain? when it hurts that bad… when you hurt my stupid button… you smile… i don’t understand… do you smile because you proved I’m stupid? you LIE – i’m NOT stupid – you MADE me do those things… you are so MEAN… you gave me no choice and you called me stupid for it!!! do you smile because i’m finally sorry enough? don’t you know i was sorry before? all i ever wanted to do was make you happy… it’s NOT FAIR!!! IT’S SO NOT FAIR!!!! my new friends tell me that you smile because you are sick. that you are a sick, bad, mean daddy and that everything you say is wrong. i’m sorry you are sick daddy. i want to make you better. am i bad because i want you to be better? does it make me bad because i need you to go away? because i wish you were dead in my head like you are for real? you broke me, daddy! you broke my heart and my will and just plain ME and it wasn’t fair!!!! not even close to fair… you are a mean, mean man…
i can’t come out of this closet, because i don’t know what to do, daddy. i don’t what i’m supposed to do. i don't know how...i don't know how... nobody tells me how! i don't know how to get free. i don’t know how to be good. i don’t know how to not get hurt anymore. i don’t know how to make my owies heal... how to make you go away and leave me alone. i’m afraid to come out. i am afraid to let people see me - i'm afraid of them too. i’m afraid i’ll do it wrong. i’m afraid they'll hurt me too. that they’ll hate me too. that maybe you were right and nobody can ever love who i really am because i can’t do anything right, ever. what am i supposed to do? i’m so confused… i’m so alone… if i can’t trust you, daddy, who am i supposed to trust? i'm so scared... i’m so so so so scared.
i wish someone would come rescue me from this closet and tell me what to do…please. please, i need you to go away from me, daddy. please go away and leave me alone, daddy. please. please, i want to be free. i can't ever get free if you keep me trapped in here. please, daddy, please - please leave me alone. please go away!
i’m mad with you, daddy. i am SO, SO mad. in my head I have bad thoughts. i wish i could do bad things to you too, sometimes. i am trying so hard to forgive but being trapped like this makes me really, really mad. i don’t want to be like you, daddy. i don’t want to fall into your trap and be a mad monster like you. i try to make this mad go away. it scares me like crazy. but I’m very mad at you. what you did was not fair… NOT FAIR!!!
(she curls up tiny in her closet behind the boxes, and blankets, and clothes – crying hard, silently screaming and desperately trying to swallow the pain and the mad and make it stop… that’s all she can say for now...)
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