Merry Christmas

so it's Christmas once again. a time to be thankful and to be glad for all the gifts we've been given. this year, a huge gift to me is that my mother and stepfather have moved away and we get to do Christmas on our own. i thought i never would have had the guts to do that on my own - separate from them during the holidays - but i managed to do it regarding thanksgiving and it was SUCH a gift. then they decided to move away and it's been very good for all of us. my parents are doing what they've always wanted to do - living in the mountains and doing crafts and such. and my family, although the beginnings are very humble, is enjoying a self-made christmas. this is incredible. :) Merry Christmas everyone!

proud of myself

so i finished part one of my book which at the moment is more like a booklet but anyway - finished writing the first draft of the story portion of my book and will be putting the rough draft version into the capable hands of a couple of grammar nuts i know for editing because reading it is highly triggering for me. (plus, with the runon sentence i just typed, golly, it's obvious i need editing help...) also, am reading it to my counselor for her help dealing with making the story public as telling sets off all sorts of programming problems for me. right now am sitting up late next to my friend who i stay with when i go to counseling. she is snoring (she works weekends and is often exhausted) and i am ruminating on what all i want to do/say before i can shut the brain down for sleep myself. regardless of whatever i just wanted to note here that i am proud of myself. not only for working on the book, which is super hard but is like a declaration of independance for me from my abusers, but also for enduring the fight with hubby and the yelling that followed and coming to grips with it in just a weekend's amount of time. i am congratulating myself on only one day spent in bed rather than kicking myself for ending up in the bed again. progress! ok well, the snoring is sounding inviting. gotta go get ready for bed. gnite all.

fight

got in a fight with my husband this morning. ended with yelling and such. scared me badly. i know it's just a bad day. things are crazy right now and we are both at our limits. i just wish i had someone to talk to about it. wish there was a way to improve things. but i'm still scared. i hate this. :(

is it real? ...answers!

so i've got some answers tonight i can make peace with. was the abuse and the horror and the chaos and all of it real? i dont know. but here's what i DO know: God loves me. If it was real, His love is evident in my survival of all of the chaos physically and otherwise. If it was not, and I am crazy, His love is evident in His mercy for my survival of all of this chaos mentally and otherwise. I am alive, therefore, God is good. regardless of if it's real or not. my job is simply to live and be as real as i can. i believe it all to have been true because God has not struck me dead for lying and I know His heart and mine are alligned in wanting the truth to be known. this stuff is not something i would want to make up in a billion years. no one in their right mind would want to experience it. and as my friends have assured me, it wouldnt have affected me this way if it were not real. plus all of the assurances that eveyrthing was my fault, was my father's way of acknowledging the reality and trying to escape it. that's my proof. the memories i am sure of back up the memories i am not sure of. i know this post will make no sense to anyone but me. and maybe not me by morning. all i know is that for tonight, i have peace that i am ok with God. and i needed that.

note to self

note to self - stay away from attics! the smell is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo triggering. ugh

confused

hey so confused. have spent the last week in flashback mode. i know it's because i'm writing my book. and that i'm going to have to ask for help if i'm going to finish it, but i'm determined to be able to do this and do it well. so i'm writing my story in detail. i have 22 pages so far. but the editing to make it reasonable to read is so difficult. ugh. on page 14 so far - but have been working on it for months. ouch. part of me says no no no no no this is not possible to have happened. and part of me says how can it not be true with all of the flashbacks and pain and stuff. i'm so so so confused. going back to bed. my only respite is hiding under the pillows and fading in and out of consciousness. ugh.

piece of what happened to me (TW!)

TRIGGER WARNING!!! when i was like 8 my father tried to drown me. it was a game. i dont know he actually meant to try to kill me, i think it was more a game of fear and control. we were all splashing in the lake and i splashed him back good. he was mad. he threw a wet towel over my head and it pushed me under, then he held me down under it till i couldnt breathe any more - ignoring my struggling - leaving me there under the water. when he finally let me up, he was laughing... laughing! i thought i was going to die and he thought it was funny. there is a picture of me storming away from him that day in my mother's memory albums. i wish i could burn it. everyone thought it was a big joke. humiliated, wet, terrified and laughed at, i stormed off to my room to cry it out alone.

venting our anger

Ke'ev is a good venter. she learned how to rant and rave and use angry language in order to vent the anger to the point that it is vented well (privately of course) and we feel good. Rosie especially. (ahhhhhh) (sigh of relief)

what's happening

ok so i didnt confront my mother. it was hard and i wasnt able to do what i wanted to do. but the groundwork was laid. also - i finally told my dr that i wanted a new one. she said no. but i did it. i feel very empowered and brave today :)

severing the apron strings

so i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ready to sever (yes, sever, not just cut) the apron strings. not just with my cell phone but to let this move my parents are making be that which creates the freedom for us to have our own life apart from their interference. not that they would not have grandchildren time, but that it would be far less obtrusive and more controlled by us than by them - with clear boundaries. yes, although it scares the poo out of me, i believe it's time. wow.

ugh

a cry of desperation. i am reading a book - the sociopath next door - to try to get some insight into the thought life of my father - some semblance of why answered - or at the very least - how could he. but no. other than a benal "lack of conscience" - there seems to be no answers. will i never understand? ugh.

(sigh of relief)

am at my retreat. am feeling better not worse. much much much better. i was freaking out earlier today because of a conversation but the person who i spoke to was so kind and gentle and sweet and the prayer she prayed so sincere and effective that i really do feel better. it is hard to believe. i told about my past to a perfect stranger. and although i ended up weeping and shaking uncontrollably - and although it put me into a panic attack right after the fact that i couldnt get out of without medication - i am actually doing very very well tonight. i did it. i told. and i didnt die. and i didnt si or even feel urges to do so. i have been kind to me since then and this has been such an incredible change. praise God. i feel no shame - none. wow. maybe i really AM healing!

ugh

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 things are hard at the moment. i've been doing so much better. i dont know what's happening now. i had a bad reaction to anger from my counselor and an email that triggered me big time and then lost half a day and almost one of my best friends cause i was stupid and dissocciating and ended up making some bad ch;oices. now i'm fixing to go away for three days and have zero alone time and it's scaring me cause i cant get my head on straight. ugh. prayers appreciated.

celebration of life / birthday party

ok so i heard a cool thing on the radio last night. the radio host has the same birthday as me - tomorrow - and she had the greatest idea so i want to see if i can implement it too. an international birthday celebration. to see if one can get as many people as you are old (those of you who know me know this is a big one) to join in random acts of kindness on the actual day. it's tomorrow - will anyone join me in celebrating life by doing something kind for someone else in my honor? thanks, me

breathing again

i am alive. still here. breathing again. last week was very very very very very very hard but i survived it. my support system tells me i'm doing well. i felt very much like i was going backwards but they tell me i'm not. last year must have been pretty miserable if this was better. oh well. tired now - gonna get some rest. good night.

screaming

hurting so so badly. wanting to scream and shout and stomp my feet and fall apart and cry. parts inside making funeral arrangements for me and it's scaring me a lot. i wish i dint feel so alone...

today :'(

24 years ago today my father killed himself and blamed it on me. 22 years ago today was the last rape i ever endured from him this date is also the anniversary of many other rapes and beatings endured at his hands. i am no longer his slave. this year, for the first time, i didnt spend this day hiding in my bed. but i still have a tsunami of emotion turning me every which way but up. one day i will look back on all this and snub my nose and go on with my life. God, i wish that day would come quickly.

From Feb 1st in the hospital...

I wrote this on a Sunday night in the hospital a year and a half ago or so - still affecting me. Have more to share after this but this'll give y'all an idea for now about how tangible God has been through all this...

Today I was given the gift of a Sabbath from my pain - literally - both kinds. It was a very good day - no hurt from my heart and my belly was in control too. I've been here now 3 days. As I lay in the bed praying and thanking God for the day and the much needed break, the bed began to feel like it was a rocking cradle and I imagined God stroking my hair and kissing my forehead and smiling saying, "I knew you needed the rest." He followed that with, "Are you ready to get back to work tomorrow? Will you trust me no matter WHAT it holds?"

I may have answered that differently before, but having the rest and this encounter - it boosted my faith. "Yes, Lord. I will." Still hesitant, knowing the pain of pain and not wanting to go back, but willing, knowing I have His arms to carry me through. For the first time, I was able to see "Father" in the light He meant for it to be seen in. Beheld it. Loved it. I wept a little, still asking the "why" questions, but ultimately I knew I could trust Him and the yes came quickly.

It occurred to me that the answer to my "where were you" question was hidden in this physical thing. When I came into the ER crying and moaning and dizzy with pain, the staff surrounded me in a whirlwind activity (like they do on TV) and before I knew what was happening, they had me changed into a gown, lying in a bed, with blood drawn, an IV started, oxygen flowing and monitors hooked up. I barely knew what was happening because the pain had me so focused on ME. But the team was there, taking care of my every need. In the midst of all my heart trauma, all I can see is also me - because the pain narrows my vision - but God is always there. Like the trauma team in the ER, working outside my line of focus but working diligently nonetheless for my ultimate benefit. Did I enjoy the tests and procedures they did to try to bring relief? Of course not. But the purpose was larger than the moment. Do I enjoy still having this physical pain and being stuck in the hospital? Of course not. But seeing even a glimpse of an answer for my heart long term is worth it.

Right now, in the long term, I just can't see how God was there when my father was treating me the way he did. But I have to believe and trust in my God who sees the bigger picture and is working for my benefit despite the pain of the moment. Not sure really how that fits into all of everything. After all, I was just a kid and I still can't see how any kid deserves what I got. But here's the thing - without God, I have no answer or stability or hope. Regardless of how things appear, or how dizzying the pain is, I have to trust that my God knows more than I do and is working everything out for my good, you know?

I have to see Him rocking me and stroking my hair and smiling, kissing me, "I knew you needed the rest." He knows my need, and even now is working to heal not just my belly, but also my heart, so we can move on to higher adventures together and I can go from patient to nurse and encourage others on THEIR journeys to healing and let them know that God can rock them too. Rock on, God... Rock on...

2 am

so it's almost 2 am - anniversary time. cant sleep. wishing to. ugh.

once upon a time...

once upon a time there was a little girl who suffered greatly at the hands of her tormentors... but she learned to endure. to breathe. to hold on. to survive. she escaped their grasp at 15 but spent the next twenty five years suffering in the aftermath of the pain. but, at age 40, she was given the gift of new life and freedom, not just physically but mentally as well. no longer did she just survive - she began to live. now, her passion is to see that similar suffering is stopped. that others are rescued and that tragedies are prevented. this is my life. that is what this book will be about.

just thinkin'...

ok so i'm thinking of changing things up. i am at a point in my healing where i feel like i can turn a corner and start to put all of this pain into perspective and use my experiences for good. i want to write a book. i want to go to college. i want to study social work and become an advocate for abused kids - especially ones who have been severely abused and/or trafficked. like i did. what do you think? it's six one way half dozen the other on opinions of my friends whether i can handle a career of that nature. i really really really want to do something with my life that makes a difference - i want to help people who have been hurt and give them hope and tools for healing - but i also want to advocate for prevention. i am not a public speaker or a politically savvy person - my best work is one on one i think, and also thru the power of the written word. another thought is to do a trial run as a guardian ad litem to see how i could handle advocating before i go and invest in a college degree in that... but i dont know what kind of a caseload commitment or long term commitment that entails. or if i'm actually ready to handle such triggering stuff right away... does anyone out there have ideas for me? thanks, AngieSue

parents... ugh - help?

my parents came to visit on saturday. made a big deal about how they barely slept the night before and got up super early to come. they took the kids to a beach 2 hours away because it's known for shells and shark teeth. and made a huge deal about the trip and stuff. but we live like 10 minutes from the beach - they didnt HAVE to do that. and again - a huge show about buying them things and giving them money. and a big deal about moving to the mountains and making a cool place for the kids to come visit.... it's so all about them... but these are the same people who turned their backs on my abuse. my mother, when it was happening and my stepfather when i finally told and reached out for help. they refused to believe me. to protect me. to offer even a hug or a tear for what i went through. a care at all. i am at a place where i can no longer trust them. finally the anger is coming through and i dont need them in my face playing "hero" when they were the villians. i am trying to walk in forgiveness and i know that God says i need to honor my parents... but here's the deal. i dont believe honor equals stupidity or that forgiveness equals allowing it to happen to my children. i've been confronted and it's suggested i need to cut ties... or at least to establish healthy boundaries. guess i just need some input and support. help?

trying again

Dear mom, I don’t get it. I have no clue how a person can disown her own child. Her firstborn. How in the world could you ignore my pleas for help? Why did you not pay attention?! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you Loving you is so so so so hard i am crying. you are not worth my tears and yet this pain still wracks my heart. i dont have words for the obscenities i'd like to shout. i dream about taking out all of my anger and frustrations on you. about bludgeoning you - pummelling you with my fists - pounding until blood spurts, bones break and more importantly, your heart begins to be affected by these levels of pain... why could you never see how much this pain bludgeoned ME? i was 2 - TWO!!! - only two years old and yet you turned deaf ears. i used the only words i had - i told you what was happening to the best of my ability... IT WAS YOUR JOB TO LISTEN AND HEAR! YOU DIDNT DO YOUR JOB. Now you want to move away. to make our visits more difficult. i know my heart should be breaking at our distancing but even when i share the same town as you, i avoid you. i NEED the distance. you dont even know the levels of pain and despair that you contributed to. i hate you. i HATE you. I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need to hate you. i dont hate you. i love you. and i hate you for that. that i cannot even have the freedom to scream the words that i wish would break your heart. you broke mine. i just have no concept how you could have abandoned me that way. i need you to know that.

angry letter

i was going to write a letter to my mother with all the anger i am feeling at her at the moment but so many feelings are contradictory and i dont think i'm ready. to those that are reading, yeah, i'm struggling again, but it's that time of year and the month of nine is around the corner. i will survive. i will beat this. but at the same time, i am struggling.

Look Out!!!

ok so i am feeling the strongest and most empowered i have ever felt. i believe i am ready to speak. here goes... the rapes began when i was 2. at first it was digital and objects. it was full on by the time i hit kindergarten. by first grade he was sharing me with friends. this went on until seventh grade. there was psychological, emotional, physical, sexual and every other kind of torture that exist to my knowledge. i've called it molestation, rape, abuse, SRA... trafficking, even. but i never understood really what was happening until now. it was all about power, sexual climax, pain, sadism and profit. it was never about me. never was i allowed to exist. it all stops now. i have finally come to the point where i feel empowered and strong and human and well and good and powerful myself. i choose to spend the rest of my life helping others recover from such histories. i am ready to speak. to go back to school. to learn. to grow. to be an adult. i want to find my niche in fighting human trafficking. as far as i am concerned, i'll save as many as i can. like the starfish story. i am human hear me roar - look out world - i'm ready!

Declaration of Independance

I declare this day my independance from all the stupid people who hurt me. My name is AngieSue. I am a survivor of a horrific past. I am a person with a tremendous future. Including the ability to help others in need. Look out, world, here I come!!!

update

doing well. feeling good. things are peaceful at the moment. am busy enjoying the break. will post more if i get some time but just wanted my faithful followers to know that the quiet this time is for good things happening, not for bad. :)

long week

ok so it's been a long week. we did vbs and bussed for it. so i've been up at six every morning - out early driving busses, running vacation bible school behind the scenes - playing mediator to fighting workers - and driving busses in the afternoon heat... followed by various evening activities. my daughter preached for the first time on Wednesday and will be singing in church on Sunday. we just completed our four week camp for autistic children. and i'm going to travel next week and the week after for various reasons. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo exhausted. also - i ended up self harming this week. which i feel VERY bad over. one of my readers will understand exactly why. the rest of you can assume it's because it's not a good practice to be in and i feel badly over it. needless to say, i do. still having marriage difficulties. i thought we had progress but when everything blew up again last night, it was pointed out to me that the reason i feel that way is because i've been sleeping pretty much alone all week. ooops. anyway, things are hard. o how i wish i knew how to handle all this stuff better. i guess that's all i have to say. just wanted to provide an update. g'nite.

calm in the storm

praise God - we have found some calm in the storm! my best friend in the f2f world came for a quick 2 day visit. we've been talking a lot lately about memories and flashbacks and safe places and she had an inspiration from God to create a safe place place in my home - an actual, physical area in my house that i can go specifically to ground and to recover that i find fun, inspiring, relaxing and peaceful. so - in two days we did a miracle makeover of my bedroom - the one room creating the most triggers and stress in the house - the room where peace was most needed. i believe she was inspired! because it is AMAZING the difference. we cleared out all of the laundry and boxes and bins and extra furniture and clutter and put in it's place a table with drawers, a basket, and my favorite comfy chair. we included (in the new hidden storage areas) my music, my journals, favorite pictures and inspiring writings, books, knicknacks that remind me of happy things, and what my friend calls fidgets - a bunch of things of various textures and shapes that help soothe me and my "inner children". oh what a tremendously huge difference it's made and the room has not even been finished for 12 hours yet! for the first time in a long time, i've had a whole day without flashbacks, a nap without nightmares, and a general feeling of peace and happy. what a terrific thing. especially in that room. hopefully this will help with many areas that have been affected by the stress produced by the triggers of that room. that's the plan anyway. so - just had to share that - even if it's short term - there is calm in my storm. praise God! :)

Rosie's flashback

sitting here in my house at three in the afternoon with my pajamas still on. i have company coming in tonight and i am not showered dressed grocery shopped laundered or cleaned... its all rosie. she's so afraid no one will come. its reminding her of sitting in the closet and waiting on her mom to come home and rescue her. her mother never came. it was always her father. stupid daddy. time for a bath. time to be washed. time to be abused. time to throw up. she didnt ddare scxream. but she had so so much to be afraid of. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. why cant i stop remembering and get out of this stupid flashback?

marriage counseling?

desperately wanting to make my marriage better, i made an appointment for marriage counseling for today. husband had me cancel it. am disappointed and frustrated with this as it means that, again, progress will be slow. he seems to think we dont need it but i know we do. to be blunt, things are bad in the bedroomm. also, finances are tight, making alternatives for therapy even more elusive. but.... (praise God for but's) it DID end up in a long into the night conversation where i felt we were both able to be much more honest and open then we have been before and finally put away the swords enough to hear each other. again, we are kinda figuring this out on our own if there's no counselor, so the progress will be slow but at the moment any progress is good. i wish he had someone to talk to who has successfullly supported someone thru a journey like mine but again... some things seem to be just too much to ask... just pleasse, those who pray, please pray. we needd progress here and idk how much i can stand of the inch by inch method. thanks.

i'm alive!

inspired by a friends blog post of a recent victory in her life, i just wanted to post myself also. i am thankful to have made it through last week and not have done something stupid. i am grateful for my life and for the progress i've made in healing thus far. it may not be the glorious victory she posted about quite yet, but for the first time in a long time - i am truly grateful for my life and that in itself is a good thing. i know you all know this, but i wanted to say something else... just to test the waters. i am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse. and i am ok. what a concept. :)

it's ok

only have a moment to write as i am currently evacuated from my home due to tropical storm debby - just wanted to post - God provided (as He always does) the break i needed from the pain. i have a safety plan in action and am doing much better. so so greatful for therapy and therapy friends who care enough to help me through the worst of things. ttys, angie sue

grrrrrrrr

i hate my dad and his people. they hurt me so so bad. it's driving me crazy!!!! i hate them ----- i hate them ----------- i hate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! more new memories - just cant take much more of this... aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!

another fight

fighting with husband again. started out as cuddling but he wanted more and i just wasnt up for that. i hate that he gets attitude when i tell him no. i NEED the space to be able to do that... especially when i've been flashing back a lot and i feel small. just drives us both crazy. but then there's this big old wall that comes up and we just end up both mad and sulky. sometimes, marriage really stinks.

another stupid memory - TW

TRIGGERING they were intent on breaking my spirit. nothing was sacred. even my bodily functions were not my own. stupid enemas. stupid cramping. forced emptying of my bowels until i was curled in a little ball on the filthy shower floor above the drain. feeling like i was going to die. jeered and poked and hit and kicked. when will it end?

wow it's been a while! sorry!

wow, it's been quite a while since i posted much - but that's due to good things, for a change. i have a new support group online - a christian one for DID survivors and it's been very good - it's answering a lot of my questions and addressing a lot of my issues. i have a book i found that i've not read in a very long time that's helping me with some of my why's and stuff too. AND - the strain on relationships is lessening too. i'm learning how to communicate more effectively and more positively and it's making a big difference... and for my readers that pray for me, thank you - truly God is at work. if you would please pray specifically for me to make more solid friendships where i live now, that'd be great because i soooooooooooooooo want to be more grounded here and i believe it will help my hubby too as he has been very concerned of late about that specifically. thanks again everyone for your patience. i'm learning to "get a life" and it's a very good thing. ttfn, AngieSue

progress

can't comment specifically because the issues are very sensitive and personal to others - but i am definitely seeing progress in my relationships to dearly loved ones. just realized i rarely post the good stuff here so had to put something.

spoke to hubby

he just doesnt get it. shared my poem with him and he just shrugged it off. feeling pretty alone right now. :(

A new name

INE has a new name. It's Precious. she is allowed to exist now. counseling has been hard but good. just wanted to share that.

anger

anger at my grandfather. anger at my mother. anger at the shadow people. anger. not an easy subject. controversial really but so far, very eye opening. my christian friends will swear by the truth of the need for forgiveness. i agree. but i also believe that in order to fully forgive, i need to fully accept what happened and that's going to stir up anger. anger no longer directed at God or myself. therefore, something i need to allow to happen. so here i am. this post is letting that flow out. so, here i go... i'm angry at my grandfather - he wrote that book and put in it that it was my mother's fault for the divorce and subsequent death of my father. he never acknowledged even a little of the hell we endured. my father could do no wrong. i say BOLOGNA! Bull! and then to have admitted to intentionally hiding the contents of whatever note was left behind... he's guilty by association then. how can you be so quick to judge? easy. easy peasy lemon squeezy people. try living what i lived and having someone laugh in your face over it and see how that feels! yeah, he's a deluded old man who wants to live in fantasy land. that's what my mother says. let him live in his little world. a quote... let him see what his son wanted him to see... WHY?! to preserve my father's memory in a dying man's eyes. translation my grandfather's wishes usurp my need for validation from my pain. you know what? no. no! not this time. at least here in my private little blog i can let my feelings go and let them out and no one can yell at me and tell me i dont matter. i've played pretend at their every whim for my whole life. i'm done. i'm so done. yes, i WILL publish my book whenever it's done. my story needs to be told and i choose this day not to bow down any longer and kiss the feet that kick me. God, please help me to forgive in due time. please help me not to let my anger turn into bitterness but also please help me to realize that righteously indignant is something you feel too. what they did was wrong. and it's about time someone said it.

liar liar pants on fire

my grandfather is such a stupid liar. i hate him. hate hate hate him in this moment. he blamed the divorce on dad's acting career and mom's insistence that he stay close. AND he ADMITTED there WAS a note left behind at the scene of the suicide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm so mad i could spit and cuss and beat up and be awful to that mean old man who claims to be my grandfather but has the gall to contact me and feed me these LIES. i hate him. i hate my dad. i hate what they did. God, this HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God was with me - TRIGGERING

God was with me when the slid the hood over my head... God was with me when they threw me across the room and into the wall... God was with me as i lay in a heap, unconcious there, where i fell... He wept for what was happening.... ... God was with me when they stripped me ... He was there when they stole my clothes... quietly reminding me they stole his too... ... He was with me on the table. the dreaded table... He was with me in the forest surrounded by evil men... He was with me in the concrete room and the blinding light... it was His voice that screamed and cried when i had none... and He cradled me in His arms when i ceased to exist... at the hands of my abusers... when i became an object of torture... rather than a human being... ... he took the cold water to rinse the blood away... it was His blood too, that bled for this... that i might live... and survive... when i prayed to die, He allowed INE to take my place... just as He took mine on the cross to bear my pain... when i cry out "why?!" "how?!"... he listens and cares... He is the Man that proves that all men are not bad... and that i am indeed worthy of love... it is He that stores my tears up in buckets and barrels... and He who will relieve me of this pain one day... when i lie in a heap... at the foot of His throne.

Rosie and INE

so Rosie and INE have been quite vocal today. flashbacks and crying and feeling very bad about ourselves. it was suggested we talk about it - so we tried to but no one was much around for very long. only one whole conversation and that ended up in making our dear friend late so we felt badly. other than that all conversations resulted in being cut short. Rosie is so so lonely. and INE is so so afraid. we are trying to fight it but it's hard. yes i know i'm whining. but golly people, it was AWEFUL what they endured!!!!!! so yeah, we're sitting with the sad. with the scared. with the loneliness. and we are trying to convince INE that she wasnt bad. we could really use some hugs if anyone has any. sorry. :'(

therapy

so i talked to my therapist about the anger. turns out it was bigger than just the anger at the doctor. it was based in some irrational logic in my head. it doesnt make sense when i type it but somehow it follows logic in my head, but i had been getting upset at the doc and my hubby's comments (pretty much the same thing for each of them) that i should just think of something else as dismissing my concerns because they dont matter. which led to i dont matter. which led to i'm not enough. i know these thoughts are wrong. i just dont know how to stop them. but at least acknowledging that those were incorrect helped me not to feel so invalidated. ok - this probably makes no sense as my head hurts from thinking and being triggered but i just wanted to get the gist out so i can walk away and be ok. if this makes no sense, come back later and i will have had a chance (after my head stops pounding) to look this over and correct it so it does make sense). thanks for listening

GRRRRR

so frustrated with my psychiatrist. i went today for a follow up appointment for my medications and mentioned that i've been struggling with depression and sad lately. she asked why and i let her know that i've been covering difficult material in therapy. her advice? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - she said we shouldnt focus on the past in therapy but just current issues and how to go on from here because it would make me sad.... ISNT THAT THE POINT???????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ugh - where do these people get off telling me i have to work thru it and then not to think about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (feeling very sad and alone - heading to therapy to discuss this with my counselor very soon but just had to get it out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

angry

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! somebody help me please!

longing

have spent the evening reading up on DID and it's consequences and how God sees me. wishing for a place to discuss this with someone but feeling alone. so much to process but so few words... going to bed now - will think again in the morning.

more

ok so i'm not done posting. hehehe - i just posted like thirty seconds ago and i have more to say. idk if it's silly - well actually it's not but who cares... where IS everyone lately? nobody is on IM on MSN or on Yahoo and nobody is on chat in my support group places and nobody is here - no one has commented in ages - i think i depressed all my readers into their own places of doom - i have no idea but its 10 am and people should be up and around and stuff. it's like the whole world got jobs and left and i feel like it's two am and i want to be silly gosh darnit but i have no one to be silly with and this is the longest craziest runon sentence i've typed in a very long time. yeah, i should be done posting but now my fingers are happy because i'm typing as fast as i'm thinking and it's fun to watch my fingers wiggle on the keyboard and watch the words appearingn while i'm typing random stuff. the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. yeah - go me. ok maybe i CAN type silliness like my friend she-who-yawns-like-great-puppy. alright - off to do something else now. that was fun I MISS EVERYONE - COME BACK SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

a bit of silliness

ok so i just read a friend's blog with a bit of silliness. i wish i could blog like that. i have such a hard time thinking of silly things to say that they just kind of fall flat and come out as stupid. no worries tho i'm not in a mood to self bash today - i'm feeling very good and dont want to ruin it. :) so a random joke - a scientist interviews a penguin - ok yes, that's random - and the penguin says all they eat is fish and that fish have no fiber so penguin's are all constipated and that's why they walk that way. idk if that's funny to anyone else but picturing them waddling and that it's because they are constipated makes me giggle. so there's my hats off to my dear friend who shared silliness with me today - you know who you are :)

ahhhh - that's better! :-)

so i'm back, as promised, to talk more about this past week. it began with a get together i had been dreading - a time with a new friend of whom i am wary because of her current philosophy of life that differs from my own and her own admittance to lying at times in order to get her own way. nevertheless, i went ahead to meet with her and found myself, surprisingly, drawn to tell her about what happened to me. she agreed to listen and i found myself revealing details of the ritual abuse and of its frequency and severity. afterwards (the next afternoon), i dealt with the programming consequences - the panic attack that followed the telling - and vented with a dear dear friend who was willing to let me go on about how life wasnt worth living unitl i was able to finish venting and overcome those feelings. amazingly, instead of taking months or weeks (as in the past) to recover from such a telling, it was hours instead. i fell asleep exhausted that night. then, i went to therapy. again, drawn to tell. again, moved to share some of the worst parts of the ritual abuse. and of the brainwashing messages that were reinforced with such pain. and again - hours to recover. but before the night was out, i found myself AGAIN sharing details... this time with my best f2f friend. something is different. this time the telling was simpler. easier. not numb but not with the overwhelming emotion either. and i was able to fall into a deep restful sleep without nightmares. something is defintely different. this time, this whole week, the telling is coming with relief. i mentioned in my brief post earlier, this is like having vomitted up what is the worst of causing me harm and now that it's out, it feels amazingly better. dont get me wrong. i'm weak and shaky and exhausted - it's been an enormous load of work to have done all this, but i finally. finally... FINALLY am beginning to find the relief in telling that i've been longing for. and it's amazing. also, i feel more clear about what i want/need to do from here in order to continue the work. all i can say is wow. wow wow wow. praise God for progress. real, measurable, feel-able progress. it wasnt my fault. i'm so glad.

feeling better

have spoken a truckload of information over the last five days. feeling so much better. will post more in the morning but i feel like when there's something that disagrees with you and you are able to vomit it up and then there is relief. i know that's not a pretty picture but it's so much the way i feel - exhausted relief. more to follow tomorrow. g'night.

ready to "let it go"?

dont know what to title this. just feeling the need to write a bit.

still feeling the sad. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy sad. the more i read everything says just let it go and life will be good... but i keep TRYING to let it go and life is not. i dont get it. it seeks ME out. not the other way around. i wish there were a way to scream my story to the people who actually care. people who would hold me and let me cry. people who would understand my pain and validate my feelings. people that would feel righteously indignant at my abusers' actions and come up with brilliant ways to help others not to suffer similar scenarios. and simultaneously "let it go" (whatever that means) so that i could really be free from it and it would STOP replaying 24/7 in my head.

i woke up screaming last night. standard nightmare. but the worst part is that screaming is progress. until last night, i'd always been mute in my dreams - i finally could move and scream and i did. but it gets old really fast. i mean, how pathetic is it that i consider waking up screaming from a nightmare progress...?

i'm just so sick of all of it. and so tired of feeling all alone. i wish it would all be over. so so much. and yeah, the suicidal thoughts ARE back. i find myself thinking of it way too often. they are under control, i'll be a good girl and not try anything stupid, i just wish it didnt hurt so bad with no recourse in sight.

i hate this. :(

been reading David Pelzer books

so i've been reading David Pelzer's books. I finished - A Child Called "It" - and - A Man Named Dave - and am now beginning - Help Yourself.

i have to admit that they have been very challenging reading because his story carries levels of abuse comparable to mine. but he managed to make something of himself regardless of his past and i am determined also to do the same.

but for today, the sad is debilitating. i just cannot comprehend how a parent can do this - participate in this - and SHARE this level of abuse and not be instantaneously vaporized or something. a dear dear friend of mine is also facing the same levels of sad in her life but her's comes with anger that wishes for vengence - or at the very least, justice. i feel for her so much because i understand. i may be crippled when it comes to anger, but i appreciate her ability to feel it because it's true - it's just flat out WRONG that these people - so many people!!! - these "people" are allowed to continue to exist is revolting!

i wish i had a place to tell my story where people would feel anger like that over what happened to my friend and me - and to David - and all the others. people dont listen. they dont get it. i wish they would. i wish for once the anger that my friend feels would be felt in our honor for our abusers - anger that causes people to act and change the world. to make a difference for the children who are suffering today and who will suffer tomorrow if something isnt done.

in the mean time, i made it out of bed and out of the house to do an errand today. didnt manage to bathe first so i really didnt want to see people, but had to see them anyway. and managed to get stranded in the process. so had to depend on God's mercy and people's pity to get me out of a very dangerous situation this afternoon. am safe now tho. and home again. sitting here on my couch wishing i'd not gotten out of bed today. feeling the sad wash over me wave upon wave. wishing i didnt feel so very...

alone.

sad

yup. that's about it. i'm sad.

progress is being made. i'm going from twice a week to twice a month in therapy. my therapist says i've gone from victim to survivor to thriver. the flashbacks and nightmares are backing way off and everything is good.

yippee skippy.

so why do i feel like everything in all the world is falling apart. i cant shake the sad. the deep, sinking, drowning feeling of depression that quietly sucks me under and i can no longer breathe. nothing is bringing me pleasure. all i want to do is cry and sleep. i have absolutely no reason to feel this way but i wish i were dead and life were over.

please pray for me. i just no longer care. i cant cry out for help because there is nothing to be rescued from. nothing but this life crushing, soul grinding, never ending sad. sad for the childhood i never had. sad for the love i never got. sad sad sad sad sad sad sad.

:((

post without a point

so life has been crazy lately. i was hurting so so so so badly. then i got the flu. flu was a blessing because it allowed me to sleep, which i desperately needed. you know it's bad when you're happy you're sick. idk exactly how to describe what i am feeling today. it's been a good day overall. got stuff accomplished and had a relatively flashback and sickness free day. i still have plenty of residual sad but there's also a budding thankfulness for the good swirled in. i went kayaking with a friend on tuesday and it did me good to have a little adventure. it was time. idk. just not sure what to say. it's like there's two parallel lives happening. the sad one and the ok one and i feel like there will be a merger in the future but i have no clue what that will be like. i guess for now all i wish for is to sleep without coughing. ok. there. i posted. and no, i have no clue the point i wanted to make. just needed to post.

so done

ugh. am so done with all this. enough is enough. i wish i knew how to make it stop. it's not even about the levels of pain anymore. there is no more "shock" in my reactions - just sadness. sadness it all had to exist. sadness it's still coming at me. sadness for the life i will never have. i wish it were over. i am so done.

cant breathe

these flashbacks are killing me. more and more time spent locked in that attic in the heat. had to take panic attack meds for the first time in months and it STILL took hours to calm down last night. was up at 3 and didnt get back down until after 5. ugh. i am really beginning to hate this.

TW - new memories

gotta talk about it cause avoiding it is not helping. trigger warning.

i remember narrow stairs going up to my grandparents' (paternal) attic. at the top there is a bedroom with two beds and a slanted ceiling on both sides making an upside down v at the top. there are small doors - four of them in the four corners of the room. each side has a narrow - in the attic crawl space with bare beams and pink insulation inside. also shelves with games and such. it is hot in those places. hot and still. air unmoving. it is in that attic i remember being bound to an empty bedframe and hurt. the actual act and the perpetrator are missing but being bound and knowing what was coming - not being able to breathe for the heat and stillness and the loud silence of waiting. this implicates my grandparents but idk that it wasnt my father there. or another person. i just know that location. and i hate it.

also more flashbacks from the woods. about the pain and the torture. the stupid punishments and the rod of correction. wow i hated that thing.

i gtg now. this is too much....

more pieces

in the attic at my grandparents house - dad's paarents. cant breathe. trapped.

more in the woods.

i wish these stupid memories would quit.

i get it

ok. have finally had some sleep - not like naps but like wake up covered in drool and dizzy and shaking because i've slept so hard sleep. i soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo needed that. and the good 24 hours of crying that preceeded it. i feel better.

and i feel like i have an answer to the sun question. God WILL come and justice WILL be served. it's not if, it's when. i believe He is waiting because He wants to give everyone a chance to make things right, but that one day His patience will be over and it will be time. i have to believe that justice will be served. and i know that's a scary doom and gloom message for those of you reading that dont know Jesus like i know Him. and i'm sorry. but i have to believe that if i believe God is just.

i feel better. thanks everyone for your prayers. please pray for my leg to heal too - it's infected i think. i'm looking after it now.

how does the sun continue to shine?

how does the sun continue to shinne when such darkness and sin reside in the world? How can such evil be allowed to exist? How can life go on as tho nothing is wrong...?! i am not so self centered as to think the world revolves around me and my issues but seriously people - how can it happen while children suffer this way? people go on about their lives blissfully oblivious and sad to the core all at the same time... i dontn understand.

swearing

ok so you'll notice in my last post i used some language i dont normally use. but there's a reason. "holy shit." that's what my dear friend said when she saw my collage from INE and Rosie. i know it's not couth to say that but you know what... it really fit the situation. what i went thru that's depicted there - it was. and that's how i feel.

it so was. how does one use polite language to speak of such horrors? i am shaking my head - it fit. and it's how i feel. and i'm sorry if it offends some of you. but this post is not here because i need to make an apology. it's here because it's 3:30 am and my brain won't shut down. i am choosing not to cut tonight so i am occupying myself with other ways to get out the emotions of the moment...

or many moments. i've been up since 1:45. this is one of the joys of ptsd. or maybe it's the ocd. idk. i want to txt or call a friend. i want to scream and cry. i want to dig at this pain and pull it out by the root. and yet here i am. perseverating. stuck.

it's driving me nuts... but the pain that i feel is not in my flesh. i guess that's the point i'm trying to make. it's in my heart, not my leg. so if it's going to come out of me, no amount of my own blood will cover it. and now i am going round in circles thinnking this blog post makes sense to no one but me. people will think i'm crazy. but i have to get these words out there. these feelings out of my heart.

ugh. what do you get when you cross a chicken and a pitbull? just the pitbull. for tonight, i feel like that chicken. :(

the sad

yeah, so the sad is taking over the world. got a lot in my head just now. wishing there were words. this post is really for me more than for anyone else... i just have to put some thoughts out there for safe keeping so i can get some sleep. dont read if you are easily offended this is not for you.

1 - the angry isnt over
2 - the sad is grief? t says i've only just begun to grieve. great.
3 - so much work to do - so much need to rest - so much arguing in my head over what's more important. this is more than a marathon. but i want it OVER
4 - i think i'm ready to be known regardless of the consequences. but i know i will regret it tomorrow so i'm not acting on that.
5 - oh god, i need to cut
6 - THIS HURTS AND I HATE IT!
7 - "Holy shit."

doing better

another update to tell you how i'm doing.

more and more days without flashbacks and nights without nightmares. this is good. i am so so thankful.

still, the sad endures. i have a lot to be sad about. it's gonna take a while to process these feelings - i know not the depth or width of this ocean of tears - only that it exists and that the space i have inside with which to hold it is far too small...

a lot to think about. a lot to consider.

a marriage with a lot of problems. a nest of children that need a mother. and a congregation of little ones that need someone stable to care and love them. still i have issues. and i cannot possibly attend to all those who seem to need me if i dont tend to my own inside children... my selves who hurt so badly.

i need to learn the word no. while the world (and the church) screams yes at the top of it's voice.

i need. (sigh) need... good days are good things and i know it's a sign of progress, but the sad just... yeah.

shutting up now.

sorry.

its a mixed bag

walking in mixed blessings right now. things are happening that are so so encouraging but at the same time am fighting harder than i think i've ever had to fight before. for instance, i had FOUR DAYS IN A ROW without flashbacks or nightmares or body memories or anything like that. that's not happened since denial! was amazing. at the same time, came out of that and into the worst memories i've had yet and the finding out of who is the alter that's doing the cutting. is a real roller coaster at present and it's hard because i see encouraging progress but it's followed by such desperate battles.

thank you so much for any hugs and prayers you all might send my way.

help?

the sad is taking over the world. i'm trapped and alone. i need help.

si and parts of me

so i've finally gotten a moment to get a grip about what's happening in my world of self injury. i've been doing very well for several weeks but the temptation in the last few days is HUGE again. i am finally recognizing from whence comes my urges. INE. INE is the part that holds the need to cut. to stab. to mutilate. she's the one that needs pain in order to keep it together.

i cant say a lot about her at present. she's very very very very very upset. turns out that photo collage from rosie isnt rosie's. it's INE's. she holds the ritual abuse memories. she holds the worst pain. the torture. and the suicidal parts too. she holds the worst of the messages. she is the one tied to the altar in white.

i am having an awful time accepting her as me. but at least i know now where it is all coming from and why.

hopefully that will mean some relief soon...

update

ok so things have been pretty dark lately. just had to add an update to let you all know that things are lightening up for me. certainly nowhere near all healed but that i am sleeping again (mostly) - the nightmares are way less - so much so that they are adjusting my meds accordingly. and my days are getting better. it's now two weeks since si. and i've told some stuff lately without temptation to hurt myself again.

things with hubby are still tense - i looked into counseling for us but have yet to broach the subject with him as he's had his own share of stress of late.

just had to put an update on here to let you all know i'm still alive and that things are improving.

hopefully will have more to say soon.

me

Rosie

TRIGGER WARNING

this post contains some graphic portions of my story. if you dont want to read, please stop now, because i need to let it out.

i
am
giving
space
here
so
you
have
time
to
close
the
browser
window
without
seeing
what
comes
next.












ok. this is very important for me to get out. i need to get it out of my head and onto "paper" in a place where other people can read if they choose. so technically i'm sharing these horrible details but no one person is forced to know because of my need to tell.












here goes...

basics only, here's what happened.

1. my earliest memory (age 2ish) is of the first rapes. i have to call them rapes instead of "molestation" because legally, that's exactly what happened. i have been told labeling it for what it was will help me heal. my daddy began raping me as young as 2 years old. he was sick. it could not have been me at fault for this. there is nothing a 2 year old can do that makes it ok to rape them. not my fault. all of this happened to luv... an innocent alter of mine from that age.

2. i was six (6) when the first gang rapes began. the first memory i have of being "shared" like that is at age six. possibly five. but definitely no older than six. i was in kindergarten. this is also "coincidentally" when they started using some chemical or drug to force unconciousness AND when i first began to have seizures "for no apparent reason." there is nothing a kindergartener can do to invite gang rapes and torture. it was not my fault. all of this happened to rosie... an innocent alter of mine from that age.

3. at eight (8) years old, it spread to daytime abuse too. this is when the animal sacrifices came into play. the first one i remember was a puppy. my dog had puppies and i was told i could keep one. she was blonde (the others were all dark colors) with curls and so i named her goldilocks. i loved that pup. but she was having trouble being housetrained so my family decided to not keep her any longer. my father told my mother he was giving her away to someone else and he took me and the puppy to the woods. he let me love on her and kiss her goodbye and play with her one last time. then he left her in a playpen while he forced me to get close to orgasm until i would let my guard down and trust him. then he hurt me on my clitoris till i couldnt see. he said that my succumbing to that "pleasure" proved i was an animal, that i "wanted it" and that i deserved to die. he then mutilated the puppy with an axe until it slowly lost enough blood to die. i can still hear her crying out in pain. he told me it should have been me, not the dog. that i was lower than a dog and i needed to always remember that. that i was bad. an animal. that i deserved those levels of pain. the torture in the nights increased and other animals were used to force that same point. both me and the animals were tied and tortured. the animals all died wimpering and bleeding to death. it was always "my fault" and i was forced to apologize for being so bad and for causing all of those deaths. there was nothing i could have done to stop them from doing those things. i was lucky to have survived. the choices i was forced to make - succumbing to their touches, playing a part in those deaths, "wanting it"... none of those things were my fault. i was 8, for goodness sake. there was no "right way" to handle that and they would have done whatever they did no matter HOW i had responded. it could not have been my fault. all of this happened to ke'ev - an alter of mine from that period in time. it was not her fault. no matter how many times she endured it. no matter how many years they drew it out.

4. thirteen (13) was the worst of it. i no longer required tying to keep me in line. i gave up. when he came to my room, he didnt even have to take me out of it. i handed him my limbs to be bound. i smiled at his approach. i participated even in the parts that could have killed me. i wanted to die. i didnt fight back. even then, i was not at fault. the alter this happened to remains nameless. there was no more me at that point in my life.

5. when i was 15, he killed himself. he blamed that on me too. he had told me he was going to if i didnt comply with his demands. i tried to comply but the demands were out of reason - above and beyond the capability of any person. i failed and he kept his word. sent a letter that arrived the day after he was found shot in the head. blaming EVERYTHING on me. no person can carry the amount of guilt that was lain on me there. it held me responsible for his choices, for his acts, for his drinking, for his illness, for his dissolved marriage and for his taking of his own life. i almost lost my life trying to save his and trying to carry all that heavy heavy guilt.


none of it was my fault. i'm trying to get that into my head. i just had to try to tell a bit of what happened here to alleviate the guilt. there is nothing i could have done. he hated me from the moment he laid eyes on me but none of that could have been my fault. i am not evil.

i wish i could learn that deeper in my soul than all this pain. i want to live.

flashbacks to the max

having a hard time. have talked to my hubby and worked out a temporary solution but the flashbacks are still going like crazy. hating having such awful things in my head. if there were ever a time to cut like crazy, it would be now... i feel so filthy and awful... but i know that's not going to change anything besides get me deeper into trouble. just helps to say it, i guess. going back to hiding under the covers now :(

ugh

sometimes being married stinks. i love my husband to death, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it's awful hard to keep up with... well... to fulfill "his needs". it's driving me crazy because i want so badly for this area of our marriage to be healed, but i also have no control over flashbacks and their timing. i don't ever want to cringe when he is near but sometimes it's all too too much. wish i had a safe way to tell him this without hurting his feelings. seems like every time we try to discuss stuff like this, it ends in a war.

ugh.

dont have words

the other shoe has dropped. i am very upset. dont have words so here is a picture of how i am feeling.

lost

i lost my driver's license. i know i had it this past weekend but now it's not where i thought it was. have turned the place upside down several times looking for it and cant find it anywhere. why do the simplest things make me feel so insufficient?!

contentedness

am tired so will make this quick and expound on it more when i'm not running so hard to catch up from my weekend away, but had to take a minute to express how much better i am feeling. learned SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOOOO much at the conference this past weekend. have much to share. much much much. but for tonight, let's just leave it at this:

i am content. for the first time in i cant remember how long (at least 4 years!), i am feeling content AND happy to be me. AND i've felt this way for three full days now.

wow.

wow wow wow.

this is amazing. :)

things are looking up

ok so here's what's been going on SINCE i posted those pictures. i was in a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY dark place but i've been getting better since. have been processing the anger and it's internal and external consequences. wounded on both of those fronts, but healing.

have taken a load of time to reflect. have done some additional art in the way of expressing my feelings and finally feel unburdened enough from it to be able to say with some certainty that i'm on the up side of this now.

something i read in a dear friend's blog this morning really hit home regarding my battle with self injury... whatever i'm going thru was awful, yes and unfair and wrong and all those things. but that doesnt mean i have to SI. i am beginning to see that although it helps me cope in the moment, it does nothing for me in the long run and only hinders my healing. it sounds so simple a statement that i should have seen this a long time ago - and it's not that it's not been pointed out to me bluntly enough or any of that. it's just that i'm suddenly seeing it in a new light and it's making an awful lot of sense.

yes, i messed up and hurt myself again this past week. but that doesnt mean i have to do it again. i choose instead, to see the long term progress of several months free with only a couple of mistakes. and that's all they are, mistakes - not long term statements about my value as a person.

standing on my own today and feeling good about myself as a person - getting a lot of chores accomplished and looking forward to the future. have a conference on healing from DID this weekend. looking forward to going into it with a clear head so that i can learn as much as possible and come out of it even stronger.

yes, things are looking up.

how i've been feeling

how i've been feeling:

what the LOUD in my head feels like:

breathing again

just a note to thank you all for your prayers. my head broke thru the surface this morning and i am breathing again. still hurting oh so badly. but at least breathing.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i am angry. so stinking angry. angry enough that cuss words are flowing thru my head without me intending to. (not out my mouth so much but i hate they're in my head).

angry at my mother. for not hearing me. for abandoning me and not caring when i needed her most. for not taking the time to know what was happening and for not caring enough to know now either.

so angry i'm dreaming of si. in cruel and inhumane ways. in harsh, bloody, raggedness. and .... oh God and.... and wishing for death again. it's in my heart and in my head and in my thoughts.

i am angry now at me. not my mom. because i just cant get it right.

i need help.

oh my goodness what a ride it's been. Christmas went well. we survived all the craziness that my family brings and it was actually good. :) week after christmas was crazy and good - had a visit from a very dear friend and her son and then another visit from a special couple from our previous church. it was a good week. went back to therapy feeling good and ready to face the world. house organized, book found that i wanted to share with t, everything well...

apparently not THAT well. giving her the book made me shaky and unsure of myself, like if i gave it to her i was admitting i went thru that... it was specifically written for survivors of ra. stink.

before i knew it i was flashing bad. i had gone for a walk with K at a park we frequent. it's never been an issue before but this time it was serious - the woods we walk in, although safe and tropical and nothing like the woods i was hurt in, became northern all of a sudden and it was like taking a tour of life sites and coming up on... yeah. you know what i mean. i'm having to remind myself to breathe as i type this...

i managed to make it halfway home before the hugeness of that hit me. it was bad. i couldnt tell up from down, flashback from reality, anything. for days. tuesday, wednesday, thursday and now i'm at friday and barely conscious of truth. head spinning, heart pounding, voices screaming, and trying to function for my kids... whatever breakthru that awaits is probably a biggie for a fight this hard. it's been a long time since it messed me up like this.

gtg now. kids r home. ugh.