so it was likely drug induced. i've not found anything on seizures online that can describe anything close to this... closest description i can find is that it may have been related to some psychedilic hallucinogen like LSD.

that scares the snot out of me.

i just dont know where this is gonna end.

one other friend suggested it's migraine related instead. apparently they can mess with all the senses too but not to the extreme i am dealing with. idk but it's happening right now with my eyes and i'm freaking out.

very afraid

there's this thing that happens to me - been happening since i was young. i always thought i was just weird and lacked words to describe it because it's a sensory overload thing. anyway, it's been happening again so i mentioned to my t and described it as best as i could - apparently it sounds like some kind of drug-induced problem from when i was abused or seizure related activity. i could lose driving privileges which means losing my whole irl support system including therapy... i am scared to death. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12 days

twelve good days before the bad hit again. twelve days of christmas? idk - it was a gift anyway.

stuck back in the pits of why. feeling very much like hurting myself. knowing that i shouldnt. confused. hurt. sad sad sad.

:(

more good

just had to blog again - we're now at five good days, which is amazing. and my dear friend had a good one yesterday too. it feels so great. i am so so blessed. you know what else is great? i'm not afraid for the other shoe to drop. i'm just enjoying the good. ahhhhhhhhhh!

Sweet Relief

a very dear friend of mine posted a story on her blog that taught me something new today - that each moment of good needs to be celebrated. i have had a couple of days of good lately and am STILL in the good right now. it is such a sweet relief after my time of struggling so so hard lately. so i am celebrating two good days - and ten days (or so) without si. wanted to share it with you. i am consciously taking note of the good so that when i look back on this journey i remember that light was scattered in places all along the journey - God is so very good to me. :)

so confused - trigger warning!

so lately i've been dealing a lot with my littles. luv and rosie mainly. there may be another 5 y/o but i'm not sure. they are so so so confused. nothing is making sense and it's bleeding into my own world as well. anyway, i needed to type a little about how luv is feeling but that includes some history about what happened. dear, precious survivor friends, this is where you check out and stop reading - TW!!!

she was 5. the "molestation" had been going on for 3 years already. idk that even that word is acceptable because some people tell me it counts as rape if penetration happens - even with fingers and/or objects. in her case, both. since day one. the worst was the soap because it burned and left "bubbles" up inside. she tried to explain this very uncomfortable feeling to her mother but nothing came of it. which only led to more confusion. how can this be happening? is this ok? it sure feels wrong and dirty... but it's my daddy and daddies are supposed to be good and right. daddy is ALWAYS right, even when she is wrong, because the pain. god, he could make it hurt bad. in so many ways. slamming her head to the floor and pushing it into the ground hard hard hard. she was sure one day her head would pop like a grape. or using her stupid button. it proved she was stupid. but the people at school said she was smart...ugh. nothing ever made sense anymore. since this whole thing started, nothing made sense. frustration and anger were high, but not allowed. it just made her feel more how she was bad and not enough. life was hard.

pardon me - i'm a mess

please forget the last post. it was all a huge misunderstanding.and we've worked it out since then. i'm just an emotional mess.

sorry

maybe i should disappear

this is one of a very few places i can just be myself. i've just been told i'm ruining someone elses life by being honest on one of the other places. feeling so very insignificant and stupid and worthless. if i cant use my voice, and have to go back into silence, i'll explode. maybe i should just delete everything and disappear.

Angry

omgoodness is this a difficult topic. i have so much anger inside that it surprises and scares me. what happened was so so so so so so so so so so wrong. and bad. and mean. and intentional. deliberate. planned out. sick. as much as it's been so hard to believe that it really was, there's really no arguing that now. not with the explanations and memories and everything. it just was. which means... it was NOT me that caused it. that changing of perspective is very disturbing to me. it's so hard to be angry with him (my dad)... to try to understand with my head how a father could be capable of that level of sickness at all, nevermind with his own firstborn - his daughter... it's very hard to accept. but if i do, wow, have i been wronged. how to cope... idk.

i am realizing this is a lot of where the si is coming from. this ambivalence about blame and the conflict inside that follows. and having the anger erupt... well, let's just say it's very good i didnt act on my urges today or i'd have been in the hospital...

i hate anger. so so so very much. i wish i had a clue how to deal with this besides just "containing" it until t...

am weeping now... gotta go.

trigger warning

just have to do something to get these stupid memories out of my head... note to my survivor friends - dont read if you arent in a safe place... i'm trying to be vague but the triggers are huge for me, so i cant compare to see if its safe for anyone else...

i never knew a safe time. ever. the rages began the moment he first laid eyes on me. and the only reason i can think of that the abuse didnt start before it did was because he was in the navy and not around. sad but true. so no, i never knew a safe way to feel emotions. been messed up my whole life.

at any hint of resistance, much less real emotional outbursts like tears or anger, he would smash my head to the floor and... gosh this is hard to say... and cause blinding pain in bad ways while forcing me to apologize over and over and over and over again until he felt i was sorry enough for the punishment to stop. even a single tear running down my face would cause this. i was required to remain emotionless except for terror and submission.

over and over and over...

never safe. that's why i dont feel safe now. i know it. but i dont know how to make it stop in my head. ugh.

the screaming and emotion in my head are sooooooooooo loud... and i feel very unsafe. not been out of bed except to bring kids to and from school for days...

will i EVER get better?

i hate my father

trying so so hard to put the blame where it belongs. anger is so very very difficult but i've got to rescue the little ones. i hate how his actions make me feel. i hate being so alone and small. i just really need to hate my dad today.

better and better

ok so i'm improving. i'm diary-ing this blog again (ugh!) but i AM improving.

had a major lightbulb moment the other day about the source of some MAJOR fears i'd been struggling through. it finally made sense why i was afraid and where that came from, so then i was able to see that the fear was irrational (seeing with head AND heart is rare - lol) and able to dismiss the fear.

not ready to share because of the person it involves would be mortified if i shared my issues with them online. but suffice to say, things will be much better as soon as i get the courage up to voice my concerns. just searching for the right words now.

anyway, that was a HUGE victory. besides that - still going thru all the standard stuff - nightmares, flashbacks, etc. just realizing it's been awhile on the panic attacks tho - wahoo!

hope and light in the tunnel today - so glad.

(sigh)

so here i am, again, blogging in a more diary type fashion than what i intended this to be - i really want to air my thoughts and think things thru but my life is so hectic it's all i can do to blog once a week even... ugh.

anyway, here's what's happening... went to a conference with my church and it went really well - God pretty much read my mail (what i asked Him to do) and stepped in to save the day... won't tell y'all what from because i REALLY dont want to end up in trouble with someone over it...

so there were a few good days post conference. i slept three whole nights in a row - two of them WITHOUT sleepy meds... had four or so days of minimal flashbacks and peacefullish thoughts. it was a marvelous break.

break's now over. still struggling with the same issues i had pre-conference and now the flashbacks are back with vividness. and my guard was down because i was rested and relaxed... needless to say i am frustrated and upset with myself for not seeing this coming.

had a friend bring up a very good point to me yesterday - i feel this huge empty place for my father's love. i wanted him to love me more than anything else in all the world. i was mad at me for not being angry at him and hating him, hugely mad for loving him even. but my friend said that just being desperate for his love doesnt mean the same thing as loving him. i am more confused than ever about that but it was a good point because it made me realize that i cant feel safe without his approval and that THAT might be the reason i cant feel angry and feel this huge emptiness where his love should have gone.

idk. i dissociated during that conversation so i dont have it all. hence the confusion. but at least for a little while it made sense and helped me not feel so awful for "loving" such a monster.

idk but now that i've written this out i'm struggling to keep my eyes open. i gotta go and escape into sleep.

those of you that still read, and those of you that have a relationship with God, please pray for me. this feels like an important battle.

thanks,
me

lost and alone

this is how i am feeling. cant go into more detail because i'm afraid of who will read this. just feeling so lost and so alone and so hopeless...

Update - no triggers

so i've been kind of out of pocket for a really long time. a head full of bad things and no words followed by a break from that but the flu took over.

now my head is clearer (still not quiet, but better) and my body, although very tired, seems to have recovered from being sick.

so....... what's happening with me?

let's see... well, i kinda recapped the last month or two in the few sentences above... i survived september even though it spilled into the first week of october too. i survived a difficult birthday, which is funny because my birthdays have never been difficult till now. i'm still plugging away. missed counseling last week because of the flu... and because my current bff in melbourne was away on a trip... guess i've had a lot going on. i've felt like progress is not being made and i've just been treading water, but looking back at the opposition i've faced, i think it's pretty good to have just held my ground lately.

yeah, i like that, holding my ground in the midst of the storm - reminds me of something Biblical - standing on the Rock. :)

so i'm standing on the Rock. yay. now i'm going back to bed. that'll have to be enough for today.

how to survive a birthday

ssooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo alone. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurting. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dont feel like celebrating. can someone out there help me? please? anyone?

triggering - just have to get it out...

i became married to my dad - at 8 years old. not here is the "wedding" picture. i couldnt bear to post it. it's of him, and the shadow people and bloody me in the stupid white satin/lace dress being held up off the ground by my arm... this is the new memory. it's driving me crazy. i hate this. i hate september.

Triggering!

stupid new memory.

stupid dress. white. satin. lace. wedding.

mother made it for me. was she also involved?

somebody help me!

Breathing

ok so i am breathing. this is good. had another new memory surface this week, plus am facing that it's September... but other than that, i'm doing ok. have now had three nights (yes 3!) without nightmares and even a regular dream... i literally cannot remember the last time this happened. i must be doing okay.

UGH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I HATE THIS - I HATE HIM - I... UGH!

he BETRAYED me so so bad... my father. i never ever even had a CHANCE. he started all this when i was like TWO and and and.... and it wont stinking end... i was too small to have a chance. and my mom wouldnt listen. and i didnt have words. and i was all alone. NO CHANCE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

then i was like six and he sold me out to be bound and gang-raped nightly. six stinking years old. thats KINDERGARTEN!!!!!

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO STINKING ABLE TO HANDLE THAT AS A KINDERGARTENER??!!

my own father - the man i looked most up to in all the world - the one i only had eyes for - the one who should have been wrapped around my little finger - my DADDY - SOLD ME OUT to be used abused tortured and potentially be killed at SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!

WTF am i supposed to do with THAT?!

i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crying, weeping, sobbing, groaning and gnashing my teeth.....

HOW DO I ESCAPE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?

doing better

still struggling big time with the anger.

doing better tho on the home front. only three flashbacks today. that's a plus.

a lot going on in my head. still feeling way switchy and triggery.

worried about a friend in the hospital but she's doing a little better now too so that's a sigh of relief. i would so much like to see her pain back off.

guess that's all i have to say today.

dear mom

dear mom how dare you have a relationship with me when you never supported me. how dare you seek MY support now?! i am struggling like crazy and wondering who's fault all this is - having trouble not taking blame - and do you speak on my behalf? not a word. not one. do you care that he hurt me? do you care that i hurt? do you even notice? i am angry with you as much as i am angry with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was 3, maybe even 2, and you abandoned me to him - you refused to question as i got older you even made more abuse possible by being absent and by assuring me i'd have plenty of time with my father how dare you call yourself a mother? i wish i could hate you! without love, your broken daughter

Going Mad...

the mad is taking over my brain. head spinning and screaming. i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

more coming soon.....

Rosie is Dead

Rosie is dead.
they killed her.
she lays limp on the table
beaten, bloodied, raw
her life sucked out of her
to breathe no more.

this was her destiny
they decided it for her
and now she is gone.

DO NOT GRIEVE HER LOSS
blink your tears away
for it is morning
and though she is listless and pale
she has school to face.

they brought her back
in the middle of the night
put her into her own bed
to regain consciousness
doomed to face another day
another night
another dance with death

Why does no one see her pain?!
she lives her personal hell every night
writhing under their ever present hands
praying for death
but it never comes
she looses consciousness only to awaken again
in her own bed
alive.

WHY?! why… why… why….
Angie lives yet again
but Rosie is dead.

08/07/11 - AngieSue

devastated

drowning in tears. cant stop crying. been that way since the last post - weeks now.

the full weight of the sra is crushing me.

somebody care, please?

Emotional Overload

so here i am. all this work. years of it. only in the last year making progress but now that i have a t that "gets me" (and is leaving grrrrrr) i've finally made lots of progress. i should be doing better, right?

WRONG - i'm a basketcase. i finally let the part that hurts so badly talk in t - first time i've let her "out" there and what does she do? does she appreciate it and keep things in control? noooooooooooooooo of course not. she opens the emotional floodgates and leaves me a basketcase unable to stop the flood of emotions...

so a three hour trip turns into almost 5 as i cant get home because i'm switching between rational and stupid hysterical and cant drive. and then when i need to call for help, does my cell phone have battery? of course not.

stranded in orlando. the magical fun city. miserable and alone.

yes, i bet you've read between the lines and noticed my anger. i'm REALLY mad as a part of this emotional flooding... i hate mad. scares the daylights out of me.

idk what to do.

ugh

Transitions (venting)

beginning in the month of 9 (yes, the dreaded 9), i will be under the counsel of a new t. my old t (that's "therapist" to those of you not in the know) is being promoted. which means i'm being demoted. i can no longer see her - she'll only be seeing people who can pay t fees... (i see her under a victim services grant that allows me to see her without having to pay). however the grant is only for the t in this position and no other. so i'll be seeing her replacement.

that sounds simple enough - months warning, the chance to meet her before it's permanent, continuing under the grant, etc... except that it's not. soooooo not... yes, will continue under the grant, praise God, since i cannot afford t rates... and all those other things are also true. but (and yes, my but is a biggie) i have NOT had good luck with t's. finding K, my current t, has been hard enough. i went thru three other unqualified t's before her and each one scared me in their own unique ways... but TRUSTING someone ELSE with the painful and embarrassing details of my story... that's a ginormously huge task. one that i'm not sure i or J (the replacement t) are up to. she's just a beginner with no experience. and i'm just barely stable and in the middle of trauma work with no end in sight. AND i'm the only ritual abuse client that K has ever treated so the experience base is low to start with. closest we've come to qualified is that K is highly schooled in dissociation and DID and therefore can take severe abuse cases and deal with them. J has only expressed interest in these areas - no schooling AND no experience. How will she know how to guide me thru if she's not gone that way at least in theory?!

and if all that is not enough - she will be officially gone RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MONTH OF 9!!!!! my total WORST point of the year - it couldnt be worse unless she left on the 18th.

needless to say, i'm terrified. i WILL be giving it my all and i've already met J and started talking with K about the transition, i just feel so inadequate and so so scared.

guess i just needed to say that "out loud".

this is why i dont generally journal

i feel like this blog has just come down to a summary of how things are. that's not at all what i intended it to be. this is supposed to be a place to journal, to vent, to express myself and really, it's just (lately) one big apology letter for forgetting about it. that stops today.

these last few weeks have been very hard. i'm trying to be very open with my friends now - the ones i trust - to let them know where i am really at as much as possible - to be vulnerable enough to allow in the care that i so desperately need.

my one friend who i stay with for t, she knows i have "a dissociative disorder" but not that it's DID. DID is scary. The name is scary. The situations are scary. Everything about it is scary - at least to me. i so so so dont want to lose her.

and then all of the stuff lately. parts acting up, coming out, being so needy. flashbacks all over my days... and nights. nightmares of bizarre things like my mother being angry or my father trying to drown me (which really happened), or my friends getting angry or scared and running away. and of course the always repeating dream of the police chasing me down to kill me...

i dont even know why i'm writing this anymore. my head is so full and going so every which way, i guess this is going to be a "stream of consciousness" entry. confusing as all get out for anyone but me, but enough of a vent for me that i'll feel better when it's over.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the main flashback i've been having lately is driving me crazy. i was 12 or 13 and we had just moved in to the new house, not the one with the sra, but the one after, where he stalked us. i still had boxes everywhere and was going thru them when my dad came in angry as all get out and scary scary insane looking eyes. he threw me across the room onto my bed where i fell backward onto the mattress. bad bad bad. i forgot to apologize and i was in a bad position for this anger to be released on. i fought back. i thought i was fighting for my life. bad bad bad. fighting back is bad. he had my hands held down over my head and managed to get in a blow to my belly that was so hard it left me seeing stars and unable to move. before i knew what was happening, he'd taken my clothes and had me cowering under his anger. stupid stupid face. his stubble burning my skin as he hurt me. next thing i knew he had a knife. a madman with a knife. my father. oh god. he weilded the thing like crazy and before i could take a breath, he had it on my private parts. cutting them and causing awful pain. he was trying to hurt me bad bad bad. he was going to carve out my clitoris. stupid stupid stupid. nothing stopped him and i couldnt fight it hurt so so badly. idk how it ended. like most of my memories it cuts off there. i likely switched to deal with it. idk. but it freaks me out.

body memories. pain pain pain. miserable and fear like crazy.

idk. i have to stop now.

sorry.

nightmares

overall my nightmares are getting better. more able to distinguish them as dreams and much less vivid and real... but they are mostly right now of me being crazy angry at my mother. last night i caused her physical harm in my dreams. levels like that of anger really scare me a lot. this is NOT me. not at all. and i see no need to manifest anger toward her. idk. now that i'm writing this out it seems so stupid but it really IS bothering me.

shutting up now. sorry.

update

ok - still suffering a huge lack of words but it's time to do what i can to update you all on where i am at...

finally got angry. still misplaced anger but at least its present and not aimed at myself.

in the process of dealing with the anger, i discovered something wonderful. it finally made it from my head to my heart that all the stuff they called me were lies. that i really am a human being and a real person who has a right to exist and to feel and to be.

unfortunately the breakthru didnt last long... four days.... and then the flashbacks came back with a passion and another big deal problem, one i dont feel comfortable revealing here... but that my t says is "normal". anyway, i've been in a very bad place and have been very self destructive. the pain is incredible inside and i've just not known what to do to make it so i can breathe thru.

so i'm back to treading water.

sorry the news couldnt be better,
me

ok - here's what's new

telling has been extremely difficult. i still lack many words but it is better now. have had a couple of major breakthrus. will share in detail when my words return.

lack of words

lacking a lot of words at present. feeling like i could type a huge blog about it but yeah, no words... flashbacks are very in my face. anticipating "telling" at t on Monday. i know in my head she won't hate me for it, but my heart is very afraid.

ok so here's what's happening

so the tsunami is over... for now. i managed to forgive little luv for being who she is and dealing with what she did in the way that she did. it occurs to me i had to do this with Rosie also, not too long ago. i'm wondering if there's a pattern here. ie - let me count the ways i hate myself and one at a time learn to forgive me for being the stupid whatever that i am and someday i'll like myself? idk.

anyway, i went to therapy on monday and talked to my t about all this. she said that all parts need a voice even the ones who dont have pleasant things to say and that i should let them talk. at first i was very afraid of that - who knows what they might say or do? - but she assured me that therapy is the place to work those things out so i, for the first time, let my guard down enough for her to meet them. and meet them, she did! they came out hollering and yelling and crying and throwing fits. they came out in all sorts of ways - and luv came out too. she came out curled up in a ball, trying not to suck her thumb and bawling and crying and very insecure and afraid. she was last and it took a long time till i was able to come back and take over. and when i did i was hyperventilating too and not being able to deal with all that happened.

we talked a long long time - had time to go over a lot - that extra half hour meant so much and we used it well. by the time it was over i'd done everything from flailing and stomping to curling up tiny and tight. i was physically, emotionally and spiritually worn out. but better.

a whole lot more peaceful and such anyway. and not a silent head but certainly one with much much less noise.

since then it's been up and down. the tsunami of flooding of emotions may have passed but the waves are still very large and the wind is still moving fast.

i was in crisis mode last night and talked to everyone who would lend an ear but Darin. i still dont think he gets it. anyway all that ended about midnight or so and i was just beginning to collapse into the pillows when my cell rang and it was Robin - one of the people i'd talked to earlier. she had taken the only audible phrase i could remember recurring and googled it.

some black magick group that works with masons and does awful things. she kept reiterating that this was real and not imaginary. i'd have reacted more awfully afraid but i was on my sleeping meds and so it was all i could do to stay awake to listen. it's really hitting home now (13 hours later).

it was real. it was ALL real. and there are others who have this awful past too. THEN i get confirmation from a different friend that she knows someone who was abused by this same group and they even have same specific symptoms and sounds in their heads.

omg. i feel so unsafe now.

i am so awful

ok so peace is over. it lasted three wonderful weeks - 23 beautiful days.

my t said i was "stable" (NOT!), so we started the "telling" phase of therapy last week (that's step 2 of 3, impressive)... ok so i told the tiniest piece. told how his face keeps coming up in mine. told how he used to be at bathtime. told how he'd scrub me raw inside and out with a bottle brush - at three years old - and make me beg him to forgive me for being bad. And how i wasnt allowed to cry and how i had to deal with the inspections and stuff... just that. that's it.

of course it would have to be in the midst of still moving, less than a week following my car wreck that totaled the car and sent my son and i to the ER... in the midst of flashbacks and nightmares and such. so.... neeedless to say it's been awful since then. back to panic attack world. chest pains and all.

the emotions have been super strong and the flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks relentless. got to the point where i could barely get out of bed again and i felt like i was back to square one. not good.

t said to use my binder and try ALL the coping skills till i found something that worked. so i decided on writing. not sure if that was a good idea, it DID help me come to a solution but i KNOW the solution is probably one of the least healthy things i can do...

i stared at the picture i have of luv for a long long time. and i gave her the pen and let her use it to express her feelings (i wrote what she said). again, very strong feelings - that of a three yr old that understands nothing - and flashbacks and another panic attack.

so i let my other parts speak next. and what they said made so much sense. basically it boiled down to that luv was spoiled rotten and didnt have to go thru nearly anything in the horrible list of stuff we've been thru. she also got to sleep EVERY NIGHT and play carefree EVERY DAY. the only time she ever had to deal with any of the pain was at bathtime and then it was so minor in comparison to the rest. she was so spoiled. she had it so good.

so i decided to abandon her again. to mark her pain up to spoiled brat tantrum overreacting and excommunicate her from us.

and you know what? it surprised me but the minute i decided that and did it, i was filled with such a peace and calm. i hadnt' cut or anything else unhealthy, and suddenly the pain was gone anyway.

so here i am in the numb of it all, enjoying the break and the peace and sleeping even. i know i made a terrible decision and i'm told i'll pay for it threefold. but wow. why should i feel bad - the argument makes so much sense. i know it's all over when i go back to t on Monday but in the mean time no more luv. and it feels so good.

how awful does that make me?

Big Changes

first - i need to retract that last post - it is NOT impossible for someone to make things stop... God could, and DID.

AND He helped me to forgive little Luv

AND i now have such a peace - it's beautiful.

in addition to all that, there's MORE good news...

we have a job. Florida.

Praise God!

(huge sighs of much relief)

I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my littlest little part - her name is luv. she's 3.

i cannot get over my anger for her for not telling well enough to stop him. i feel like, because she couldnt get my mother to hear her (she did try but not hard enough), all of the abuse was her fault. yes, her fault. clearly.

i wish she would disappear and die. i want to kill her by shredding my arms. i want to kill her by jumping in front of a bus. i need her to leave, even if it means dying. (No, people, this is not a serious threat - i cant' do that to my children.) i am just so freaking mad at her it's interfering with my ability to function.

everything hurts that much more. i just cant handle all this emotion.

i wish someone would hear me and make all this stop. but that's impossible.

so i sit and cry and cry and cry... i'm so so exhausted. i wish it all would stop.

:'(

still in Florida...

Okay, Oklahoma has ceased all contact. that one's out. the only one that remains is the Florida one. I know i said i so so didnt want to be there but it looks like all doors besides that one are closing. we shall see.

also, flashbacks are on the rise again. desperately wanting someone to hear me out about the worst one but having trouble asking for someone to listen because i'm terrified to say it. ugh.

enough of the update. i dont even want to listen to myself anymore why should i expect anyone else to?

yeah, ok... shut up ang.

OK?

looks like Oklahoma may be our new home. there are still cards on the table tho so the final outcome of the application game is unknown. we shall see.

and it's getting closer and closer to an official diagnosis - i'm DID. am feeling far less stressed about this title. whatever we call it, it's been happening for a while, i am who i am, so it's just a label. just feeling very very alone right now.

too much up in the air. too short on time, resources and human contact.

will be glad when we get past thursday's florida interview and get that behind us. i so so so dont want to go there. i wish hubby would take that seriously.

hrumph.

yeah, that's all i've got to say for today.

wow

ok so i'm doing a bit better. have allowed people to convince me that i am safe. that's it's ok not to be so paranoid. just putting my life in God's hands...

one thing that's helping me feel more secure - we have big changes on the way. we are moving again (making ourselves hard to find is a great side benefit). seeking another job because my husband's paying job is ending very quickly (like probably in the next 4-6 weeks - care of our local lack of economy). We have applications out now all over the country.

Anyone know somewhere that needs a good Children's Pastor?
preferably somewhere that snows a bit?

weekly update

we are safe thus far and there's been no further contact. am still scared poo-less but so far so good.

rosie is talking more. she even colored a picture in my journal the other day.

i am talking less. nobody understands. i feel pointless.

and my online friend, Quilley, committed suicide. sometimes im' jealous. sometimes i'm just sad.

why am i here?