thank you to everyone that prayed. session went well. many tears and such but i do feel lighter. still work to do, but hey, i'll take all the help i can get.
thanks again,
ang
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
prayer request
meeting with a new friend to do some spiritual warfare tomorrow. would love some prayer covering if anyone is still out there reading.
thanks.
thanks.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A month has gone by already?!
ok so i promised regular updates and obviously have not kept my end of the deal. but here i am trying again. it's been more than a month since i was here last so i guess an update is in order.
uhm... last i typed i had ended up spending time in the hospital to ward of a major threat of suicide. since then have gotten more stable on the new meds they put me on. yeah, i still think that way. and yeah, am still self injuring, but am doing better. right now it's been 10 days since i last did any worthy of mentioning injuring. scabs are beginning to fade and skin getting clearer. couple of the places will scar, but i can live with that. it's improvement and i'm glad of that.
flashbacks are getting lesser. not completely gone but lesser. i even had two days in a row last week without even one (except for night). and sleeping better is making me more able to think and function like a regular human being.
the sad is still thick and heavy, making it hard to breathe, but i guess i should get used to it as it seems that this is just going to be a part of my life now.
made it through the christmas season alright. managed to function enough to make it through all the meetings, and still get christmas cards out. held breath through the mandatory family gathering and very much enjoyed time with the immediate family.
just the sad remains. i did manage to meet with my brother and ask him some questions regarding our childhood, as most of my memory is sketchy at best for anything but the abuse. he confirmed to me that he was untouched, not even verbally abused. if anything, simply neglected. he also confirmed my being of a scapegoat. and that he found evidence of... ugh.... erm.... he found pornography. found it in the woods near our house. which to me was probably as much proof as i'm going to actually get about what happened in the woods. wow that hit me hard. didnt let on, 'cause i dont feel comfortable saying things that'll ruin his happy memories, but yeah, things just feel all too real now.
i know the next step is working towards acceptance. nobody who's not a survivor seems to understand the hardness of this task. "just do it already" is the mantra. but it's not that simple. every fiber of my being wants to scream, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" at the thought of accepting it as fact. but explaining that to those who are frustrated with the fact that my pace at this healing stuff is probably 1/1,000th of a snail's pace is just impossible, so i trod along alone.
between the sad and the lonely i dont want to get out of bed and much prefer to find a nice sized boulder to hide under for the next decade or so, but that's not allowed either so on i go.
alright, this post is sounding more and more whiney and i;'m still not speaking in a way that i think sounds clear so its time to sign off. that's your update. i'm still breathing.
ttyl all,
me
uhm... last i typed i had ended up spending time in the hospital to ward of a major threat of suicide. since then have gotten more stable on the new meds they put me on. yeah, i still think that way. and yeah, am still self injuring, but am doing better. right now it's been 10 days since i last did any worthy of mentioning injuring. scabs are beginning to fade and skin getting clearer. couple of the places will scar, but i can live with that. it's improvement and i'm glad of that.
flashbacks are getting lesser. not completely gone but lesser. i even had two days in a row last week without even one (except for night). and sleeping better is making me more able to think and function like a regular human being.
the sad is still thick and heavy, making it hard to breathe, but i guess i should get used to it as it seems that this is just going to be a part of my life now.
made it through the christmas season alright. managed to function enough to make it through all the meetings, and still get christmas cards out. held breath through the mandatory family gathering and very much enjoyed time with the immediate family.
just the sad remains. i did manage to meet with my brother and ask him some questions regarding our childhood, as most of my memory is sketchy at best for anything but the abuse. he confirmed to me that he was untouched, not even verbally abused. if anything, simply neglected. he also confirmed my being of a scapegoat. and that he found evidence of... ugh.... erm.... he found pornography. found it in the woods near our house. which to me was probably as much proof as i'm going to actually get about what happened in the woods. wow that hit me hard. didnt let on, 'cause i dont feel comfortable saying things that'll ruin his happy memories, but yeah, things just feel all too real now.
i know the next step is working towards acceptance. nobody who's not a survivor seems to understand the hardness of this task. "just do it already" is the mantra. but it's not that simple. every fiber of my being wants to scream, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" at the thought of accepting it as fact. but explaining that to those who are frustrated with the fact that my pace at this healing stuff is probably 1/1,000th of a snail's pace is just impossible, so i trod along alone.
between the sad and the lonely i dont want to get out of bed and much prefer to find a nice sized boulder to hide under for the next decade or so, but that's not allowed either so on i go.
alright, this post is sounding more and more whiney and i;'m still not speaking in a way that i think sounds clear so its time to sign off. that's your update. i'm still breathing.
ttyl all,
me
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