Terrified

the leader of the group that i am reasonably sure was responsible for the ritual sadistic abuse i endured has contacted me three different ways in the past 7 days. i am terrified they will come after my children.

PLEASE PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long Time No Post!

ok so i've been distracted lately. i hadnt realized it'd been quite so long since i posted last. so here's a quick update:

chest pains turned out to be caused by very high blood pressure which has now been remedied by doctors playing with my med dosages and such until they were happy. My heart was tested and has been deemed strong and healthy.

i became a part of a new support group and it's helping me tremendously. of course, with the breakthru came new info about what i'm struggling with. I've been diagnosed as DDNOS bordering on DID. for those of you who dont' know - that's dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (in plain english - i cope thru disconnecting my mind from my body sometimes) bordering on dissociative identity disorder (more commonly known as MPD - Multiple personality disorder). i have personalities inside that sometimes take the reigns for me when i cant deal with things by myself. they just arent totally different from me enough that i lose consciousness often enough to call it officially DID.

i know it sounds complicated and scary. if you are thinking, "she's nuts this is a sybil scenario!", think again. it's not as dramatic as it sounds and even my husband is unaware of the switching because it is so subtle. this is my first attempt at sharing the Dx with people outside of my husband and best friends. i'm sharing it here because i know i have people that support me no matter what here.

anyway, that's been a huge learning curve for me, but my therapist and my other DID friends are helping make it easier.

i'll try to update more often from now on.

Merry Christmas everyone!

update

still having the chest pains. still recording high blood pressure with it. so my doctor says we've got to get that under control even if we dont know what's causing it. she is slowly weaning me on to two new meds to take care of this.

meantime, i'm exhausted as all get out. sleeping like a late term pregnant person but without the baby. still taking it one day at a time.

from home

all tests came back normal and good. whatever the pains are caused by, they are NOT my heart. my heart is healthy.

i was released from the hospital as soon as the last one came back.

am glad to be home. will followup with my dr on thursday

from the hospital

so i'm writing this from my hospital bed. chest pains and spiked bp landed me here yesterday. they are testing like crazy. blood every couple of hours, chest xray and halter monitor... and praise God so far every one has turned out well. this morning i have a stress test and then (i hope!!!) i'll be allowed to go home.

on the memory front, i had a HUGE breakthru. on saturday (my worst day), i took an old photo of him, nailed it to a piece of wood (oh that felt good), burned the wood (safely) four different ways (let's say all that was left was ashes, hehehe) then buried it and desecrated the grave the best i knew how. it threw me into dissociation but regardless, i managed to do SOMETHING to take my power back and reclaim the day. since then i've kinda been a walking zombie - so so soooooooooooooo exhausted - but better.

that's about all i have to share as i am waiting any minute for the person with the wheelchair to arrive to take me to my test. will post again when it's over and tell you how it went. hopefully with good news.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i found myself very emotional today. the tears began before 9:30am. all the pain of my past - the need to tell my story - the need to get out the nasty details - and trying so hard to hold on to the progress made tuesday and wednesday... i just couldnt manage - i fell apart. it's so so hard to consider that MY VERY OWN FATHER could be a sociopath to the point he literally held no empathy or remorse for his actions... i mean, for seven years i was his stupid playtoy for finding out just how much pain a human being can tolerate without tears... and in the end - just to do what i couldnt handle on my own - he drugged me and did all he wanted anyway. and then put pressure on ME to disappear and when i couldnt (because i was THIRTEEN YEARS OLD) he threatened the two most precious things in my life - himself and my mother. and then after watching me mess up big time and be a failure at disappearing - even to the point i was willing to give my own life in exchange for his - he killed himself and put the blame for it on my shoulders through a letter he mailed the day before he did it. and he never cared about me or my feelings or my wellbeing. ever.

i'm angry yes, but i'm also in pain because of it all.

guess i just needed to vent these feelings. tomorrow is the day of the anniversary both of his final rape - with the drugs - and also of his death. and i'm drowning in the pain.

Good News and Bad News

Good news is i've finally broken through whatever it was in my heart that kept me from seeing the truth. from believing it. finally, i've learned to see that i was never at fault for any of the awfulness. including his suicide. i've stopped being angry at me and begun to feel the anger that God intended - righteous anger at my father for what he did. who he was to me. this is a huge huge huge obstacle to overcome and i'm thrilled to say i'm here. feels so freeing - so good. i wouldnt say yet that i have peace exactly, but a sense of validation - being glad i exist instead of wishing not to is a wonderful change.

so mentally and emotionally, i'm in a good place right now. except...

Bad news is i'm having chest pains. they're scaring me quite well thank you very much. i went to the dr today and had an ekg but there are still more tests to do as they dont know the cause of whatever it is that's happening. i have testing this week, a change in meds, and two more appointments next week. have also been told that if it gets worse or changes in a way that causes me concern, that i should go straight to the emergency room.

anyway. please pray. i promise to update as soon as i know something more concrete. thanks in advance.

so i ended up sick when i skipped church - good thing i didnt go, i didnt realize it yet and was contagious so it was good i stayed home.

since then - had a good saturday and a terrible rest of the time including today.

found myself today a basketcase and ended up opening up and sharing things i've not shared before AT ALL... EVER... with a new friend. am praying now she doesnt end up not liking me because of the huge levels of pain and ignorance i showed.

tomorrow is wednesday and i have to work. please pray that i have some semblance of sanity and self control to do so without falling apart again.

guess that's all i can handle sharing tonight. headed to bed.

goodnight, world.

Goodbye August...

the month of Nine is here again. i got out of bed and went to work today but not willingly. i wish i stayed in bed. nothing about the day was redeemable.

skipped church tonight - too exhausted to go.

this is not a good beginning.

lately

so i've decided to make this september better than in years past. it's always a hard month for me - is the same month my father chose to do most of the abuse, to try to get rid of me, and to end his own life. is very triggering to say the least.

so - i've made two lists - one of reasons to keep going and keep working on healing and the other of healthy coping skills to do instead of unhealthy ones. i've removed all of my self injury tools from the house and had a friend throw them away for me so i can go after them. and i've set me up a network of real people to talk to 24/7 if i have need as well.

am feeling very prepared and ready to tackle the first task of therapy homework. containing the pain in my father's memory in a concrete way.
just finding and printing and old pic has been difficult but i want to heal so badly... besides next step is to hammer as many nails as i like into his picture... and then hotglue him inside an airtight container and bring him to therapy to leave him there.

well, i guess that's a good update for now. i've got to go.

thanks for reading, y'all - your support means the world to me.

Group Therapy

Group was especially good today. felt included and worthwhile. then when it was over, none of us felt ready to leave so we hung out a while and i made a friend with one of the members of the group. we talked for about an hour.

not going to include conversation topics here because i want to leave her comments in her hands, not mine, but i WILL say that it was so therapeutic for me.

and although there will be no group next week, they are allowing us to have double group this week. will see them all again on Thursday evening. :)

Praise God for a good day AND progress made.

Is ANYBODY out there?

just feeling alone and pointless in the world... wondering if anyone actually reads this thing anymore or if it's back to being an online journal...?

Praise God

got laptop back today. got to talk to one of my main supporters and she encouraged me a lot. feeling better. :)

praise God

feeling alone

my computer has a virus and so i'm using borrowed computers to leave these posts which means i have no access to my im's. feeling so isolated and alone... :(

A quote that fits...

ok so i've been researching my diagnosis - reading like crazy. i am on my third book on the topic, "Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out" which is a compilation of quotes from others with DID that have the courage to support others in the midst of their own struggles. It's put out by Sidran Press and i'd highly recommend it.

anyway, in the midst of reading this book i found a quote that very much explains how i've been feeling lately and i wanted to share it here. idk if i have other readers or if someone might stumble on here, but if they do, i hope they find this helpful... or at least that my own readers know a little better how i feel.


"The aspect of MPD [aka DID] that all counselors, friends and support people should understand is the extreme pain it creates. Pain that is incomprehensible. Not only the physical pain, but the extreme mental anguish of knowing that your family enjoys hurting you, that they do not feel any remorse, and do not care if it kills you or maims you for life. The fact that your pain brings them pleasure is crippling.
- Louise H."

As My Mind Spins....

So i ran out of my meds this week, which spun me out of control again. Nightmares are back to several a night instead of just one. Dizzy, disoriented, and an emotional mess, it's been a real bad week. Not to mention the reappearance of a major panic attack that greeted me last Tuesday - been a very long time since i had one that bad. Also, my dissociation is up and seems to happen at the worst of times....

Dissociated at the park with the kids the other day - woke up and had no clue where they were or how long i'd been "gone". It was a terrifying feeling, not to mention how inadequate it made me feel to be the only one responsible for not only my own kids, but also Sam's little friend, only to realize because of me, they'd been left unsupervised anyway. They turned out to be safe and ok, but seriously, i cant have this happening while i'm responsible for little lives!

Then today i went to group and dissociated there too. The only thing i can remember that i got from it (group is 90 min long) was that i told about my bad week and they heard and sympathized. After that... it's fuzz. the "good" news? when i woke up, it was time to leave, so i was present enough to drive myself safely home. ugh.

anyway. just had to vent that out. not really sure how it affects anyone except that i've just embarrassed myself seriously. but at least it's out.

(sigh)

DID

ok - not crazy - just potentially dealing with bigger issues than originally thought. every counseling session gets me closer to the diagnosis of DID. going to a DID support group for the first time on Monday.

those of y'all who disagree, please remember this is not easy on me either. this is a scary thing but i have to deal with it and look at it as it is. it really seems to be potentially true.

wow.

hello, i'm crazy...

so i am sitting in my living room, the kids are spending the night with grandma and i'm here watching tv with my hubby. he's happy as a clam with the remote, the tv and a good book. i'm freaking out silently.

i'm imagining snakes and spiders in my laundry room. heart attacks or car crashes involving my children. cancer. who knows what. just WAITING for the other shoe to drop even in the midst of a perfectly fine evening.

WHAT IS STINKING WRONG WITH ME??? AM I GOING INSANE OR WHAT???

or maybe the nightmares are just affecting me in the day too - this is the kind of stuff i'd deal with in one.

idk. but for the record, it stinks. i wish my heart would stop pounding...

nightmares

stupid nightmares. every night i have them. one of two kinds:

one - personal disasters (such as fires, floods, nazi's, etc) where i lose everything and everyone i care about and face life threatening situations.

or two - enduring abuse and rape. who, when and how differs, but the ending is always the same - can't get free no matter how hard i try and someone slimy and despicable hurts me in the most personal way possible.

last night was both. combined with yesterday's migraine. today i am shaken and sad and still sore in my head and neck.

i wish they would go away.

why

ok - i know i should be over this by now. but a friend posed some very good questions and i wanted to mull over the topic again.

what i know: he was sick - two t's have called him a sociopath, comparing him to ted bundy and others. i know he grew up in a strict, disciplinary environment and that he went crazy when he got to college - that rebellion and alcoholism was his thing when i was born. i know he wanted a boy and so never bonded with me - instead irritated that i was in his way. i know that the rebellion and alcoholism were also paired with a huge power fixation and all increased as i hit puberty. but none of those things except the sociopath thing can explain how the man could have drugged, raped, and tortured (literally) his own flesh and blood for a decade or so...

what i think: he truly was psychotic and sociopathic. that it began as following his own father's actions (or maybe being forced to?) as he grew up under his father's leadership in the masonic group in his area that just so happened (proved by their website) to be fixated on torture methods and outcomes. but then, how did he have two sisters that seemed to come out fine? idk...

there truly has to be something incredibly wrong with someone who will build and design tools of torture and offer his own daughter up to not only his own experimentation but to a group's evil ideals and terrible plans... regularly.

i think he had to be different from the average abuser because it was so involved and planned and so ritualistic. not that i want to excuse others who abuse but this was way over the top.

he still had opportunity to get help. he could have made it right. but he threw that away. all the way to his self imposed death and the letter that came with it, he intentionally spit on my existence and chose never to love or show kindness. who knows how many other girls suffered at the hands of him and his group.

all i ever wanted was his love. his care. gosh, i even would have endured it all just for a smile and a hug...

a friend of mine endured similar except that she found the strength to escape. unfortunately, all the pain made enough impact that she got into some bad stuff and behaviours in getting free. i still admire her for taking the chance to get out. it's a terrifying existence and something no human being should ever have to live thru. but no matter what she had to endure to get free, she DID find a way to begin her healing. and so did i.

i dont know that i will ever understand the why's completely. or that i'll ever truly be able to let go of them. but we (my friend and i - and many others) are on our way to healing and fighting to gain ground, even a centemeter at a time. i have to believe those efforts count for something... dont y'all?

Pain in the Nursery

ok so i quit everything but the church nursery, serving once a month. till suzie (*name change) came it has been fine. working with a partner and only for 90 minutes a month it's been doable and even enjoyable.

but when suzie's family joined the church it got extremely difficult to serve. she looks just like little me. has the same demeanor. the same type of mannerisms. and she's the same age i was when the abuse began.

that's enough to be triggering already. it was difficult to be in the same room with her. she's so little. so vulnerable. so much a reminder just how helpless i was. flashbacks galore with little suzie in my care.

well this past wednesday did it for me. her parents changed how they were potty training her (yes she wears little pink panties like i did - no more pullups - she's not exactly modest and they put her in short little skirts). anyway, they insisted we make her go. MAKE her go no matter how she protests, they said.

so the time came to make her go. of course she didnt want to. but instead of refusing and just being stubborn like a normal kid, she had to do what i would have done... she ran and hid under a piece of furniture and hollered and screamed, "no, no, no! i'll go when i get home! i'll go when i get home!"

her mommy had been so clear - MAKE her go - so i had to move the furniture and pull her out kicking and screaming and get her to the bathroom. she DID go, and my other survivor friends say i did nothing wrong, but i feel like i became my father in that moment.

little me is so betrayed and very much upset - sooooooooo shaken up. inside me she is screaming and hollering and crying and pitching a fit, just like little suzie. and in my heart, i betrayed her.

i told the nursery director i'm not doing that again and i need out of the nursery. she understood and said she'd speak to the mommy about not expecting that out of our workers. but i just can't go back there with little suzie again.

that's why i cant work with kids at all till i can get stable. the voices in my head are VERY upset and my world is spinning like crazy. if i'm not DID, i'm going insane... i dont deserve to be anywhere near kids while i go thru this.

:( :( :(

Random Thoughts

it's summer. the kids are out of school. i have time with them, which is wonderful, i love my children, but for the next two months, i have no alone time either. no venting. no crying it out. no thinking my way back to sanity. no ability to deal with the flashbacks and stuff. that's scary and very hard. like my world is spinning all the time.

still being terribly triggered, having regular flashbacks, and dreaming just about every night. that alone is exhausting. i find myself spending more and more time just hiding in my bed, unable to deal with the world. but...

am glad to have finally found a counselor tho that listens and cares and actually helps. she's teaching me coping skills to deal with this stuff. helping me cope. and, for the first time in my life, even tho i'm still struggling, i can honestly say that i have enough hope to not think suicidally. that's a HUGE step for me. and i am more and more able to talk because she "gets me".

she told me she thinks i probably have DID. this worries me. not that i think she's wrong, she's probably right, i just am afraid of the label causing a problem with my work with children. i have taken time off from everything to do with them while i'm unstable, but eventually i want to be able to get better enough to go back. my heart breaks for them - the kids who are hurting and/or being hurt. and i'm compelled to do SOMETHING. and i dont want my background to stop me from that. i truly have a big place in my heart for those kids and i dont see how i should be disqualified from helping them because i belong to that same category they come from. difference will be i will have healed and have the strength to reach out and share what i've learned. because i "get it" for them too. idk. just am afraid of the label.

anyway, i guess this post is getting too scatterbrained. signing off for now.

next post: what happened that caused me to step out of working with kids

Catching up

ok so it's been an awful long time since i blogged. i'd start with all the apologies and guilt, but you know what? it's MY blog, not anyone else's so i'm going to dispense with the guilt and get back to using this site for the purpose it was made...

So... uh.... have been in the hospital twice for suicidal stuff once in November '09 and once in March '10. i seem to have gotten past that for the most part. so glad.

have dealt with differing diagnoses, the most disturbingly accurate of which is probable DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder - formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder). wow that kinda changed my world up quite a bit...

have much more to write - will try again tomorrow when i've had some rest. my night meds are kicking in and i need the sleep

bye for now

recurring flashbacks - warning: NASTY!

these are my latest repetetive flsshbacks. kinda graphic and painful. dont' read if you arent ok cause it tells just a little of what they did...

the first time this happened, i was 5. it kept up for at least 6 more years. much more awful things happened as well, but this is what is hurting me most right now. what i see, hear, smell, taste and feel whenever i am flashing back this week… i hate it! but its real.

it starts with little me, lying in bed, sound asleep. suddenly my dad is there. i am being taken from my bed and before i can realize what is happening he covers my face roughly with a very smelly rag. i try to fight, afraid, but i begin to pass out instead, feeling like i cant breathe. as the world spins and morphs, i am vaguely aware of being carried out my window…then the world disappears.

i wake up tied by my limbs to the wooden table they’ve built for me in the woods. i must have been bad again because they are punishing me, my dad and his friends. they are cussing and spitting and what feels like a million hands roughly hold me still while someone rams the insides of my private area down below with a long, hard, blunt rod. like a battering ram, they just keep pounding and pounding without mercy. it hurts like hell. i cannot struggle. i must not scream. i know i shouldn’t cry but tears pour out anyway. i am apologizing for whatever i’ve done whenever they stop long enough for me to get a breath. they continue to cuss and slam my insides. i beg for it to stop. please please i’m sorry – im so so so sorry… but it continues for what feels like forever. …eventually i pass out again…god, it hurts…

next thing i know i am back in my own bed, alone in the dark, terrified. the pain is tremendous. i weep silently because i know if i am caught crying, i will pay dearly. curling in a ball and hiding under my covers, i flood my teddybear with silent tears, wishing i knew how to be good. needing to pee but unable to get up and go, between the pain and the fear of being caught… i hold it until morning and try to sleep…

thank you

thank you to everyone that prayed. session went well. many tears and such but i do feel lighter. still work to do, but hey, i'll take all the help i can get.

thanks again,
ang

prayer request

meeting with a new friend to do some spiritual warfare tomorrow. would love some prayer covering if anyone is still out there reading.

thanks.

A month has gone by already?!

ok so i promised regular updates and obviously have not kept my end of the deal. but here i am trying again. it's been more than a month since i was here last so i guess an update is in order.

uhm... last i typed i had ended up spending time in the hospital to ward of a major threat of suicide. since then have gotten more stable on the new meds they put me on. yeah, i still think that way. and yeah, am still self injuring, but am doing better. right now it's been 10 days since i last did any worthy of mentioning injuring. scabs are beginning to fade and skin getting clearer. couple of the places will scar, but i can live with that. it's improvement and i'm glad of that.

flashbacks are getting lesser. not completely gone but lesser. i even had two days in a row last week without even one (except for night). and sleeping better is making me more able to think and function like a regular human being.

the sad is still thick and heavy, making it hard to breathe, but i guess i should get used to it as it seems that this is just going to be a part of my life now.

made it through the christmas season alright. managed to function enough to make it through all the meetings, and still get christmas cards out. held breath through the mandatory family gathering and very much enjoyed time with the immediate family.

just the sad remains. i did manage to meet with my brother and ask him some questions regarding our childhood, as most of my memory is sketchy at best for anything but the abuse. he confirmed to me that he was untouched, not even verbally abused. if anything, simply neglected. he also confirmed my being of a scapegoat. and that he found evidence of... ugh.... erm.... he found pornography. found it in the woods near our house. which to me was probably as much proof as i'm going to actually get about what happened in the woods. wow that hit me hard. didnt let on, 'cause i dont feel comfortable saying things that'll ruin his happy memories, but yeah, things just feel all too real now.

i know the next step is working towards acceptance. nobody who's not a survivor seems to understand the hardness of this task. "just do it already" is the mantra. but it's not that simple. every fiber of my being wants to scream, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" at the thought of accepting it as fact. but explaining that to those who are frustrated with the fact that my pace at this healing stuff is probably 1/1,000th of a snail's pace is just impossible, so i trod along alone.

between the sad and the lonely i dont want to get out of bed and much prefer to find a nice sized boulder to hide under for the next decade or so, but that's not allowed either so on i go.

alright, this post is sounding more and more whiney and i;'m still not speaking in a way that i think sounds clear so its time to sign off. that's your update. i'm still breathing.

ttyl all,
me