Update - no triggers

so i've been kind of out of pocket for a really long time. a head full of bad things and no words followed by a break from that but the flu took over.

now my head is clearer (still not quiet, but better) and my body, although very tired, seems to have recovered from being sick.

so....... what's happening with me?

let's see... well, i kinda recapped the last month or two in the few sentences above... i survived september even though it spilled into the first week of october too. i survived a difficult birthday, which is funny because my birthdays have never been difficult till now. i'm still plugging away. missed counseling last week because of the flu... and because my current bff in melbourne was away on a trip... guess i've had a lot going on. i've felt like progress is not being made and i've just been treading water, but looking back at the opposition i've faced, i think it's pretty good to have just held my ground lately.

yeah, i like that, holding my ground in the midst of the storm - reminds me of something Biblical - standing on the Rock. :)

so i'm standing on the Rock. yay. now i'm going back to bed. that'll have to be enough for today.

how to survive a birthday

ssooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo alone. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurting. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo dont feel like celebrating. can someone out there help me? please? anyone?

triggering - just have to get it out...

i became married to my dad - at 8 years old. not here is the "wedding" picture. i couldnt bear to post it. it's of him, and the shadow people and bloody me in the stupid white satin/lace dress being held up off the ground by my arm... this is the new memory. it's driving me crazy. i hate this. i hate september.

Triggering!

stupid new memory.

stupid dress. white. satin. lace. wedding.

mother made it for me. was she also involved?

somebody help me!

Breathing

ok so i am breathing. this is good. had another new memory surface this week, plus am facing that it's September... but other than that, i'm doing ok. have now had three nights (yes 3!) without nightmares and even a regular dream... i literally cannot remember the last time this happened. i must be doing okay.

UGH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I HATE THIS - I HATE HIM - I... UGH!

he BETRAYED me so so bad... my father. i never ever even had a CHANCE. he started all this when i was like TWO and and and.... and it wont stinking end... i was too small to have a chance. and my mom wouldnt listen. and i didnt have words. and i was all alone. NO CHANCE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

then i was like six and he sold me out to be bound and gang-raped nightly. six stinking years old. thats KINDERGARTEN!!!!!

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO STINKING ABLE TO HANDLE THAT AS A KINDERGARTENER??!!

my own father - the man i looked most up to in all the world - the one i only had eyes for - the one who should have been wrapped around my little finger - my DADDY - SOLD ME OUT to be used abused tortured and potentially be killed at SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!

WTF am i supposed to do with THAT?!

i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

crying, weeping, sobbing, groaning and gnashing my teeth.....

HOW DO I ESCAPE THIS?!?!?!?!?!?

doing better

still struggling big time with the anger.

doing better tho on the home front. only three flashbacks today. that's a plus.

a lot going on in my head. still feeling way switchy and triggery.

worried about a friend in the hospital but she's doing a little better now too so that's a sigh of relief. i would so much like to see her pain back off.

guess that's all i have to say today.