Not sure even what to say here. Been a long time since I posted - life has been nuts. Christmas was very stressful. I have much to think about...

It occurred to me that most of my stress is related to trying to please my step-father the way I tried to please my biological dad. And it also is coming back void. And I'm really feeling the loss. And I'm trying to figure out a way to convince myself I don't need a father. I'm 36 - there is no real purpose he would serve except as moral support. I guess I just need to learn to live without that from a human father figure. It's a hard reality to accept. I've longed for this for so long - to just give up hope that it's ever going to happen is not an easy thing.

And as much as I love my God, there's still a void left even with His help.
I'm praying that God helps me walk this.

Guess that's all I had to say - just feeling the loss and trying to recover from Christmas - I literally spend many sleepless nights coming up with something to give my step-father for a gift that would meet his approval only to have him not say a word - he looked very disappointed. He made this huge deal about doing gifts according to the "love languages" and then reality was opposite - we gave exactly what he asked for and yet he could care less. Everyone else gave traditional gifts and he gushed over them. That hurts. Never ever being enough really hurts.

God, how do I let go of ever getting this kind of approval? Your Word is filled with comments about helping the widow and the fatherless - please be my help! My heart is broken...

Grace

Been such an emotional week. My counseling homework has been on trust and control. Halfway through, they told this story about this woman who thought she'd had this amazing faith and was such a Godly person and suddenly she had this revelation that it was only because everything was under her control and that she had actually never left room for trust... that is soooooo me. Here I am thinking I've got it all together, serving in ministry and just having my own personal issues on the side and it turns out I've messed everything up. I've always believed I had to keep juggling, that I was letting God down if I dropped a ball. Never understanding why He required me to run like this while everyone else could have lives of their own but quietly tap dancing my little heart out thinking that some of us are just the exception to the rule... I totally broke down in counseling today trying to explain how much I've failed God and how I just can't do it anymore and she had this amazing comment...

She said we're not called to be worker bees always buzzing around - this is not the heart of God. It's about relationship. It's never been about what we do, but WHO WE ARE. Of course this set me weeping like crazy - who I am has never, never been enough and never will be - this is why I do what I do - I need to make up for all of my shortcomings - try to make things right to make up for what I'm not. She so gently reminded me that I was right but that I'd forgotten that this whole thing is all about grace. I'm not supposed to earn it.

How can I miss something so basic? So fundamental to all of it? I don't know - just drilled into me since day one, I guess.

So today, I'm trying to process that none of what I've ever done is important. That it's only what God's done and that's it. That I don't have to earn anything. That He could really love ME that much when I know who the real me really is and what she's endured... It's still so much to try to take in...

Pray I get it. Please pray I get it.
I still feel like this worthless piece of trash that's messed up the whole world and isn't even worth the time of day...

Ignore me, I'm stupid

Okay, I should know better than to let myself get so emotional and exausted and then post something and expect it to be anything but panic and fear. Ignore me, I'm stupid.

Now that I've had some rest, the world is more manageable. Not that I can do anything to help my friend or that my anxiety level has changed, just my perspective in the midst of it.

How God is going to work things out, I have no idea, but I'm so glad it rests in His hands instead of on my head.

What do you say?

Just got home. It's way late at night and I should be in bed but I'm grieving for a close friend of mine. I just got back from sitting with her while she wept because her husband is leaving her just in time for Christmas. She has no predictable income without him - her employment is part time temporary - she has 3 teenage boys to look after and she's beside herself. Not only that, but the bum is so mentally off balance she has reason to believe he may do himself in. And I can't console her because I know what it's like to deal with a man that way and there really are no guarantees - sometimes they do follow through.

I wish I knew what to say. How to comfort her. How to promise her it will be okay when everything around her screams otherwise.

Why does life get unjust? Why is free choice allowed as much leash as it is that it has to leave people devastated that way? Why are there so few ways to make it better?

I'd go through everything to spare her the pain. I have my own set of issues to deal with - been flashing back every time I shut my eyes all evening. (Do you know how hard it is to be in a prayer meeting and not close your eyes? Or to sit there and not freak out when the world spins and screams around you but you know you aren't supposed to leave?) But none of my junk helps her or anyone else. If anything, her stuff helped me because it got my mind off of it for a little while. But now I'm benefitting from her pain - how wrong is that?

I just wish there was something I could do or say. Or that by praying I could convince God to do something to make it better for her right NOW.

I'm so stinking powerless it's driving me nuts.

Why, God?! Why is life so hard? How are we supposed to do it?

I wish there were answers.

Question

Question for my counseling "homework"...

What does "trust" mean to you?

I'm supposed to ask my friends for input.
Okay friends, want to help me out?

Amazing

Okay - I have something amazing to share. Well, if it's not amazing to you, tough - it was EXACTLY what I needed today...

Been feeling hopeless (what else is new?) and sad and very alone. Had some surprising and scary news last night that knocked me off my feet. This had the potential to turn my family's life upside down again and I'm just now starting to get on my feet a little so it really freaked me out. I worried about it, expressed my huge reservations to my husband about it and all that stuff.

Woke up exhausted this morning. Didn't want to go to church but I've missed the last two services and we ARE staff so it's pretty important for me to show up so I pushed and went anyway. I'm so glad.

So church starts and I'm sitting in the Sanctuary, exhausted and wishing I could go home, talking myself into staying and not just leaving, and praying. I don't normally pray this way, but given our call last night, I was desperate for an answer from God. I asked Him, "If this is something I don't need to worry about, please have someone say - 'God is with you' - during the service." I immediately felt really guilty, like this was too much to ask but I really needed this. God impressed on my heart that He was with me either way the decision went, but nonetheless, I requested confirmation. I'm so glad He's so patient with me. Here's what happened:

The very next worship song was one I had never heard before but it was filled with "God is with us" and to top it off - it was called "Emmanuel". It's like God said, "I'm so with you that it's part of my being enough to be my very name." Obviously, I started weeping. The next few songs were like that, filled with "I'm with you" verses and then there was a move of the Spirit where they reassured His presence, a Word given that confirmed that, a friend who came to pray for me that way. Then the sermon was on Luke 1 where Gabriel came to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored - the Lord is with you."

It was like God screamed it for me just when I needed it most. Reiterating it over and over and over and over and over again.

God is with me. I am not alone. He is so with me that it's his very name. He feels my pain so very much that He came to do something about it. Yes, He's with me.

Praise God.

Lonely

One of my issues right now is allowing myself to be happy. To have a good time without feeling guilty. It's stupid, I know, but I just can't let myself do it. I feel very selfish if I do anything for me... feel like I don't deserve it. Feel bad feeling good.

So I was at a church dinner last night. I've been sick so I understand no one wants it but I wasn't prepared to sit all alone. I was the first one to pick a table and sit down. And NO ONE sat with me - not even at my table on the other side. (Darin was home, still sick) Talk about rejection! Finally, someone invited me to join them at their table, but it never ceases to amaze me how I don't fit in. How I can be so alone in a room filled with people...

It ended up being a good evening, but I'm still feeling alone. Like walking through life in a shell - doing everything and participating - but just doing it as an empty, hollow shell - going through the motions. No one gets this pain. I'm so alone.

Will I ever fit in? Will life ever come naturally for me? Or is this just the way it is - you learn the choreography and do the dance but deep down inside you're limping. Do we just loose the pain of the limp or do we ever learn to dance inside and out? Dare I hope for that? I'm so afraid to...

There's a saying - it's better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all. I hate it. I don't know if they know what loss really is... maybe it doesn't apply to such extremes... I don't know. I just have trouble seeing that there will ever come a day when it's all hunky dory and that "happy" will ever come naturally for me.

Today, I'd be happy just not to be so alone.

It's raining

It's pouring outside. I have the flu. I didn't sleep much at all last night. I'm so whiny today I just can't hardly stand to be near myself.

I'm feeling conflicted. I have so much to be thankful for - my husband, my children, my church, my close friends who have been so supportive of late... and yet I still hurt so badly and nothing seems to make it quit.

I know the sun is still shining above these clouds, but it's so hard to hold on to in the midst of it all. Facing all of this and dealing with it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I never banked on it taking so long and being so hard and feeling so dark. I feel like I'm walking blind, just hoping there's another side. I know my Guide is the best there is, and He guarantees me there's another side, but that doesn't make it less scary or painful.

The Bible says that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us. Oh what I wouldn't do just to glimpse a little bit of it to garner the strength to hold on through this. It calls our present troubles light and momentary - oh how great it must be if it can consider this darkness "light and momentary" and also "not worthy to be compared"...

Lord, how 'bout a break in the clouds - just for a minute? I know faith is the evidence of things hoped for and not seen, but walking blind is HARD... I believe - help me in my unbelief!

Filler Post

Okay - this is a stupid post. I've just given out my blog address to a new friend and I'm embarrassed that I've not posted this week. So here we are.

In a nutshell, I have the flu AND I have PMS - I'm a basketcase. But I'll get over it. Such is life.

Okay, now there's a post.

Will write more in a few days when the world stops spinning... Ugh.

Welcome, new friend. If you still want to be friends with me after this lame post, I'm impressed. lol.

Feeling bad

Been a loooooooong week.


Survived Thanksgiving alright - with only minor speedbumps with the family. My stepdad drives me crazy, what can I say? I don't do well with men on power trips.


Still riding the emotional roller coaster. Tuesday before Thanksgiving was a breakthrough day but also a setback day because I pushed too hard. So it was a quick crash and it really hurt. Still recovering. Feeling bad about it - guilty because I should have known better.


Dealing with that now - was feeling very powerless until this afternoon - my dogs went missing and it seemed like everything in all the world was centered around me not being enough to make any of it function right. But God had mercy and let me find the dogs today, so it was a good victory and reminder that not EVERYTHING is hopeless.


I'm glad to have my dogs back. Just a little message of hope from God when I needed it most.


Still feeling defeated, though. I see how huge this mountain is and Tuesday really showed me how very little I've moved in the last few months. And I've put forth monumental effort. I just don't see how I'm going to finish the journey. I lack the strength to go that far.


So here I sit on my pity pot. I just need some time to snuggle the dogs and regain a little strength. How I'll do it, I have no idea. Today, I don't care. I just want to sit here and cry and hug my dogs.

Happy Thanksgiving

Okay, regardless of how melancholy I feel inside, it's thanksgiving. If I didn't post a thankful post, it just wouldn't be right. And after the last thankful list, I believe I need to have put a wee bit more thought into this one... So here goes:

1- I'm thankful for the family I have left. Even if things are tense with my step-dad, I am still in such a better place than I used to be. I'm very thankful for that.

2- I'm thankful that in the recent losses of family and friends, none of them died in trauma and all of them left peacefully and went on to be with Jesus. Although I miss them, they went the way God intended and they are all sitting at a much better table today.

3- I'm thankful that I can finally see the progress I'm making. My most recent bout with panic attacks and nightmares and the like only left me paralized a couple of days - this is much better than the months (or rather, years) on end that I've battled before. I can breathe today. That's progress. And I'm very thankful that I'm moving forward through this pain to a positive end. The light at the end of the tunnel is NOT another train.

4- I'm thankful I live in a place where I can have the space I need to work things out. My church family is willing to work around not having me running for them like I used to, my physical family is also doing their best to do the same, our finances are in a place where we can still eat if I don't work this month, and I have been blessed to live near a place that is donating the counseling I need to move on.

5- I'm thankful for my support system. I'm not alone. God has blessed me with several very good friends that are lifting me up in prayer daily and that encourage my heart no matter how discouraged I get. And so far, not one of them is screaming that I'm driving them as crazy as I feel like I am. It's like I have my own cheering section. That is an amazing gift.

6- Yes, 6, it's thanksgiving and this is the most important one and it can't be left out...I'm thankful for my God. He loves me regardless. He goes to great lengths to show it. And He has carried me so patiently my whole life. He never tires. He never complains. He always loves and always sends hope. He never gets frustrated because he knows I'm just dust and I'm doing my best. And He sees the end and has already set up the future to bring me there. Above all circumstances, He has my best interests at heart and actually has the power to set things right. I choose to trust Him regardless of what time and space constrict in my viewpoint. He is worthy to be not only trusted but PRAISED.

What more could I ask for? I'm blessed. Which leads me to the last one:

7 (yes, 7!) - I'm beginning to see it. The darkness isn't as dark as it was.

Time for an update

Don't really know what to say here. I just realized tonight I've not updated this in a while. It's been a crappy week and it's only Tuesday. Just been trying to hide under a rock - my goal in life has been to keep breathing. Such a sorry goal, but that's the best I could do this week.

Continuing to process the anger. Unfortunately, haven't done so well at managing the anger at me. Haven't cared so much about being angry at anyone or anything else, although my counselor says I should be focusing it on where it belongs and seeing that I don't deserve blame. I know it academically but feeling it is a whole other thing.

Decided last night that this was taking me far from where I really want to go. Things were just getting far to dark for the level of depression I'm fighting. Not safe. Taking a break from all of it this afternoon and finding distraction. Have a better day planned for tomorrow too.

Will be so glad when Thanksgiving is over. Not that I'm not thankful, but that I'm not looking forward to the motions of the holiday. It's going to be very empty this year with the last of my grandparents gone and most of the family out of town. So just my parents, Darin & I and our kids. This means my step-father gets to do his control thing and focus on us since there won't be a crowd to disappear into - I just really would like to skip that part, especially this year. I'll be glad when it's over.

Besides all that, life is okay. My thankful list is shallow today because I'm just too tired to give it much effort. I'll get past this, I know. I just need some space right now to work it through...
1- I'm thankful that it can't stay this dark forever.
2- I'm thankful that Thanksgiving is only one day.
3- I'm thankful that I have stuff to do to keep distracted.
4- I'm thankful that my dogs know just when I need a snuggle.
5- I'm thankful that it's time to go back to bed.

Discouraged...

I'm tired tonight. Tired of working. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything. Just flat out tired.

It's been a long week with lots of heavy issues. My head has stopped throbbing but my heart is way raw. I see that progress is being made but I'm very discouraged. I just don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard.

No, I'm too stubborn to give up. I won't quit. I can't. I'm just tired. I wish there were an easier way.

Progress is slow but sure

Just a quick post so y'all don't think I've fallen off the planet. I'm still making progress - it's slow and painful but I am still moving.

I'm thankful for weird things today. Thankful for my 6 day migraine so that I could receive the revelations I have this week, thankful that I've been strong enough to face them, thankful that there are good truths to replace the lies I've believed so long, thankful that God allows anger when it's on the path to healing, and I'm thankful that my husband is willing to put up with my attitude through this pain so that I can get well - I don't mean to be grumpy but I know I'm not easy to live with when I hurt this badly.

Back to work

Thankful for the victory on Friday. It's giving me the strength I need to get back to battle.

I'm not blogging specifics tonight because the emotions are running too high to get them started again. This is heavy stuff. My journal will hold the intensely personal details until I process enough to feel comfortable posting online. Right now, I'm taking a couple of hours off. It's been so intense that it's given me a 4 day migraine. But I'm making progress. Can't say it feels worth it now, but I know it will be in the long run...

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that shall be revealed in us...

That's all for now.

My thankful list is like I said above. Thankful for the victory, the strength it gave me for the present fight, for hope in the battle, for God's help as I make progress through it and for the promise of a time when this difficulty won't even compare to how great the good will be. It's pretty dark right now, but it won't always be. I'm hanging on to that.

Undeniable Victory

Okay, it's very late so this post is going to be short but I just had to get down for the record (before it disappears) that God smiled at me today.

There won't be a thankful list at the end because it's very late and this whole post is a Praise Report. I'm thankful for the whole evening.

I went reluctantly to a ladies night at my church tonight. I was fighting the beginning of a migraine and had a hugely emotional counseling session this morning and I just wanted, honestly, to go back to bed. But I went anyway simply because I had already made the arrangements to go and was on that end of town - thought I'd pop in, stay a short time and pop out and go crash.

But the headache faded and the evening turned out to be fantastic.

I laughed - really laughed - for first time in a very long time. Not just an obligitory laugh or a laugh at a joke or comment but an "I'm having a good time" laugh. And I didn't have (praise God!) an ounce of guilt for it.

They gave me a prize for best pajamas at the meeting (it was movie and pajama night) and I genuinely felt the love my church family offered. And didn't feel guilty for that either.

And by the end of the evening, I actually even got a little silly/giggly.

Praise God!

Thank you, Lord for smiling my way! You know how much I needed it!

Back as promised with today's list

Okay, I've had some cool down time. It's been a bad day. But I have to keep my promise and post today's thankful list. And I do have some good things to be thankful for.

1- I'm thankful that God understands my anger and that He is willing to let me walk it through to get to the other side.

2- I'm thankful there's another side to get to.

3- I'm thankful that God is holy. That He is NOTHING like my dad.

4- I'm thankful that I have the ability to walk away and process. When I lived in the midst of it all there was no break. I have options now.

5- I'm thankful that I survived. I never knew then how different life could be.

Bonus:
6- I'm thankful that since #5 is true, I can look forward to life continuing to improve. There will be good in my future. God promised.

The Tickle Game

Working on a project for my brother with old photos. (Don't ask my why I get myself into these things - I'm just stupid I guess...) Scanning the pictures in and fighting the memories as they flood in...

My father had this game he'd play with us when we were kids, my brother and I. My brother seemed to like it. I HATED it. We'd be walking by and he'd reach out and grab us to tickle us. Sounds harmless enough.

But it went beyond what's okay. He wouldn't let up. Wouldn't let go. When it ceased to be fun and the laughter turned to tears, he'd still be laughing and wouldn't quit. I remember getting REALLY mad and screaming at him, "Don't!" "Stop!" And he thought it was funny. He'd say, "Don't stop? Okay!" And keep it up. When he finally did let go, I'd be steaming mad and have to run away somewhere to hide and cool down. Some game.

I'm so angry at him. I can't understand why being cruel to someone else is funny. One time he threw a wet towel on me while we were splashing at a lake. Everyone thought it was a riot. But the towel was wet and heavy and I was little and I remember being underneath it, it so heavy over top, and I couldn't get up. He held me under long enough for me to think I was going to die. And then it was over and I was free and everyone thought that was so funny. Oh man, I was mad. Found a picture of that today. Somebody actually took a picture of that. I could spit just thinking about it.

Why is it funny when someone else suffers? Why was my anger brushed away? I see his face in those pictures and I could scream. It's not fair. Why didn't I get to be a person too? Why did it hurt me so much and nobody else even noticed?

I'll get to the thankful stuff later. I've got to go cry this out and walk it off...

Thinking about stuff...

Oh so much to think about.


Had a fantastic weekend but only had it that way because I chose to escape my problems and pretend they weren't there and just take time off from all the things that remind me of all the work I'm doing to recover. Guilty pleasure. I admit, the break was sooooooooo needed, but it just made getting back to everything this morning all that much harder...


The counselor wants me to repeat specific "affirming statements" several times a day to combat the lies my father instilled in me for so many years. I've done well with them until now. Hard but overcomeable. This last week, I couldn't do it. The task was to say "I am clean" five times a day. Couldn't get it out once except to confess at the end of the week that I couldn't do it.


I feel so filthy. And the flashbacks have been so real today that they are hugely nauseating. Specific to one of the the worst parts of the whole event. I don't know what's acceptable for a blog or not, but let's just say that choking on nastiness in my mouth and overwhelming textures and odors were involved. And I can hardly breathe when I think of it. And no matter what anyone says - THAT WAS NOT CLEAN!!!!! And I can't clean myself of that memory. Or of the sickeningness afterward. And it's overwhelming.

My counseling homework this week now is about letting go of shame. Very appropriate. But such difficult timing - all I want to do is run from it.

My friend that I confide in asked me today about what I was struggling over. When I told her, she said that no one looks on me with that filter. That there's not a person in the world that would put any bad on me at all about what happened. She said I'm beautiful and clean and a loveable person that people would only want to protect not condemn me.

So then, why can't I rid me of it? Why can't I wash enough, pray enough, clean enough, organize enough, run enough, or anything else enough to get past this? Why do I feel like such a stupid, retarded idiot that people are only friends with out of pity or obligation? Why can't I feel clean? whole?

I'm confused. And I don't know how to get it into my heart. Or even how to let myself believe it. I so see the polar opposite of that in me. I CAN see that it was not my fault - totally his choice to do what he did - but that doesn't make me whole or clean - I'm still defiled. And I still don't know how to make it right. I hate it. It's sick. Just plain sick.

So those are my thoughts today. I have no answers. I'm just still thinking... pondering... trying to get a grip and catch my breath. Trying very hard to focus and work on the task at hand and not run away.... just trying...

I have no "in conclusion" to wrap it up. Sorry. Wish I did...

Okay - thankful stuff - this is a tough assignment today:

1- I'm thankful my kids don't have to go through this.

2- I'm thankful ... (God, this is hard!) ... thankful I'm not alone. Regardless of the reason, I do have people that I can confide in and trust.

3- I'm thankful I don't ever have to see my father again. (is that bad?)

4- I'm thankful for the holidays coming. Happy traditions will help.

5- I'm thankful (yes, it's shallow, but I'm grasping here) for chocolate. It never loses it's happy moment regardless of circumstances.

Alright, enough for today... off to other things...

Today's List

Today's list of 5 things to be thankful for:

1- Interpretations of what people say can be wrong. Perspective can change everything. I was given a new outlook on hope today through a misunderstanding. I'm glad my friend clarified my error.

2- I'm glad for the freedom to process things on Fridays when I'm done with counseling. Not having to rush home right away is a good thing.

3- I'm glad God gave me a good friend who is willing to let me just go to her house and do nothing when I can't stand to be alone. Even if I don't even have the energy to tell her what's really going on, she still cares. Wow.

4- I'm thankful that even though my past holds so much pain, and even though my heart is overwhelmed at how much effort it takes to breathe, I don't live in the midst of it anymore. The memories are simply memories and are not current events for me anymore. (And I pray for those that have not yet experienced that change...which leads me to #5...)

5- I'm thankful that this world cannot continue to inflict it's wrath forever. Eventually, Jesus WILL come back and it will all end. Even if it's not in my lifetime (athough I certainly would love to go right now), just knowing that there is a promise that it WILL end is good. It's hard to look at the evil in the world and all the things that mankind can do to harm, maim and crush it's children. It's good to know that there will be an accounting. Justice WILL be served - even if it's not happening right now.

Feeling Alone

My heart is so heavy. I'm so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to play anymore. Go away, world, leave me alone!


Twice this week I've been invited to go out for lunch with friends. Yes, I did go even though I soooooooooo don't feel social. It was good to get out of the house and away from everything for a while but I found I come home feeling more empty than when I left. Pretending to be okay takes so much energy. And it just leaves me feeling guilty for not being myself in the first place. But that person is so broken right now. I'm shattered inside. And that's not what people want to deal with at a social gathering.


Does that make me a liar and a coward? I hope not. I'm not trying to lie by faking it - I'm just trying to be loved and keep my end of being a pastor's wife and go out when they ask. Years ago, I stayed home and was called a snob for it. (They so got that one wrong!) It's been pointed out to me how lucky I am to have people that care. I'm thankful they do. I realize I'm lucky. But it's just not as simple as it seems... The coward label comes in here. It's just that my issues are huge and very personal - the pain is way intense - and I'm afraid that if people knew who I REALLY am inside, if they found out what was done to me and how difficult it is for me to cope - if they saw me as I see me, they'd have nothing at all to do with me and I'd be completely alone. And I'm already so alone even in their midst... I don't know if I could take that.


The few people who have a clue about my battle keep telling me I'm so strong and making such great progress. But it hurts MORE not less. I don't get it. Maybe they just don't see what I'm battling. Or how much I'm torn up in the battle. Maybe I'm too good at hiding, even from them. Maybe, like everything else, progress must be paid for with pain and tears. I just wish it didn't cost so much simply to breathe... This makes the most sense, but I wish I understood why I have to pay so dearly just to exist. Does the rest of the world hurt like this? If they do, they're much better actors than I am, that's for sure. I just wish I could find the truth.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. I will have to go out again for a meeting tonight, so I'm going to sign off and try to get a little rest to prepare for it.

Per recommendation from my friend, D - here is a list of 5 things to be thankful for today:
1- I'm thankful that I don't have to work everyday while I go through this.
2- I'm thankful that I do have a few friends that know and they still love me anyway. Even though I feel so alone, I'm really not.
3- I'm thankful God sent me a way to get the counseling I need to recover and still feed my family. It's proof there must be hope for recovery.
4- I'm thankful that God finds a way to send people to me when I'm having trouble holding on. I was without hope yesterday and God timed TWO phone calls perfectly in order to get me through the wave until I could breathe again. More proof that God is bringing me through.
5- I'm thankful that even though I can't see the light at the end of my tunnel, that others can and they remind me of it regularly.

Back in battle

Not doing well this afternoon. Back in battle.

Pray.

Sweet Victory

Had a breakthrough today. Believe I broke something in the stronghold over my heart in this battle. Found the strength to fight back.

And fight I did. I'm exhausted but it feels good.

Not going into huge detail because I my "to do" list awaits, but just had to put on here that I'm in victory today.

For the first time in I can't remember how long, it's quiet inside my head.

I'm enjoying the peace while I can and catching my breath.

There's more battle to do, but I can taste victory. And I'm stronger today because of it.

Praise God.

Why is this so hard???

This sounds so simple - so easy - just understand a couple of really basic things: I matter. I'm not defined by this. I'm worth being cared about. Almighty God says so. And He backs that up with action... He loves me.

So, why is it so hard to get in my heart?

I understand it with my head, but it all comes down to what I REALLY believe and no matter how hard I try, I always find myself sitting on the floor, all alone, crying my eyeballs out, feeling worthless and hopeless.

Why can't I get it?

We shall see the King when He comes...

God is so good. He knows when enough is enough. I'm so glad!

What's the point in doing the right thing? Standing before God with a clear conscience! Regardless of what the world does, I will answer only for me.

Does what I do matter? I have to believe it does. It mattered for me that someone cared enough to offer hope. And it matters when people care now. Like a good friend of mine said, if I didn't still have a purpose, why am I still here?

Why keep going? Because life won't always be like this - this pain cannot last forever - it's a tunnel, not a pit, and the uphill battle means I'm pointed in the right direction.

Tonight at church, I was standing in my pew, weeping as usual.
It was like I stood there with God in the front and my father behind.
God said, "Lift up your hands."
I was hesitant. This is not something I do well. But I put them out.
God said, "No - lift them all the way up - stretch them out - reach for Me." Again, I hate to put them up all the way. And I was feeling very uneasy at the thought of my father - it was like he was standing there, looking over my shoulder. I was afraid.
One more time, God encouraged me,
"Raise them up. This is how you'll get free of him."
So I did. It was really hard but I kept them up.
And He met me there.
And poured hope into my heart.
And just as I'm breathing it in, the worship leader chimes in saying, "There's your hope!" (oh if she only knew...)

and God showed me:

As much as I was damaged by the acts of my earthly father unto death and hopelessness, I am now healed and set free by the acts of my Heavenly Father unto life.

I belong to Him. I am changed. I am chosen. I am truly LOVED.
THIS is what I choose to be defined by from this point forward.

I was crushed. But no more.
I'm going to be okay because God is a whole different category of dad.
And yeah, the battle's going to continue. But I'm going to be alright.

Praise God.

Sacrifice

I've always believed that self sacrifice was the highest act of love - the most holy way of life - ultimately what God wants for all of us - the way to victory. I'm finding myself really wondering about that today.

Maybe I'm thinking this way because I'm fighting major mood swings and I'm seriously depressed. Maybe I'm just too cynical today because of the events going on around me. I don't know.... But I wonder... is all of this for naught? Why bother?


Really, if selfishness rules in this world, is any of the sacrifice we put ourselves through worth it?


If we give all that we have to put others first, thinking that this is how we should live, only so they can live better and we stay forever in need - how does that help anyone?


If we go crazy doing everything we can to try to help kids live better, only to have those who should care the most throw them away, and then they (like me) spend the rest of their lives feeling worthless because the most influential people they know never cared in the slightest - is all of our heartache REALLY making any difference at all?


If we act in selfless ways, sacrificing all our time and energy, putting our needs last, and putting everyone else first, only to find the needs we work to eliminate grow larger and more impossible every day and our own hearts more miserable and alone, have we really done anything good?

Let's face it, selfishness rules in this world. And doing the right thing is NOT contagious. If I live my life as a passionate doormat, giving everything I have and am to make everyone else's life better - will any of it make any REAL difference?

And if everything I do is so easily undone by other people, what's the point in even trying? What's the point at all?

God, as I sit here and type on this blog, please forgive me for being so cynical and overwhelmed. I know that NOT doing those things isn't right either. Help me, Lord! I feel like the scriptures in Ecclesiastes - meaningless - everything is meaningless. Help me find the point! You know my heart - You know I WANT to do what's right. You know how much pain I'm walking in because of being stomped on in the name of other people's selfishness and because of watching other people suffer likewise. Show me the way, God. Help me find a way to hold on and keep going! In Jesus name...

Too much

I'm drowning. All of this emotion is just too much. I just don't know how to handle it all.

Nothing makes sense today. I'm just too overwhelmed.

I've spent a big chunk of the day searching out scriptures. It's all good.

But it doesn't lessen the pain. It hurts so bad.

When will it back off?

Please, God! When will it quit? I need help!

Hiding

Why do I hide like this? I hate it. I'm so lonely. I want people to hear and to care and to love me... but I can't help but hide.

I get so mad at myself...STUPID!
But I don't know how to do anything else.

I sound like a dufus-head when I talk to people.
I can never say what I want and it always comes out badly.
It makes so much sense when I think it, but I can never speak it well.
I feel like a little kid who has no business in an adult world.
Then I just sit there like a lump on a log and say nothing while my heart is bursting inside me to be heard.
And yet I'm silent. Because I'm afraid.
Inside, that's all I am - just a scared little kid.
And I hate it.

I could kick myself for being this way.
But it doesn't help when I do.
I am who I am and that's that.
And growing up takes time.

I'm trying to change.

But right now, I hate this part of me.
I feel like I just don't belong.
So I hide.

I don't want to hide anymore.
But I'm still afraid to come out.

Power

I'm so tired.

Physically tired - my kids have both been sick and have been high need, Saturday was Sam's birthday party, my house is a disaster from caring for everyone but me, church stuff is calling, my friend lost her mother and has the funeral on Tuesday, my kids have a big deal school function tomorrow and there's an outreach on Friday to prepare for. I'm worn out and I've just gotten started! And I totally missed the baby shower this weekend and am feeling guilty for it but I'm just exhausted. And then I totally disagreed with a vocal person in Sunday School today but didn't have the nerve to speak up and say what was on my heart because I know I can't outtalk him. But what I had to say was valid. So I'm kicking myself for not saying it because he needed to hear the point. Ugh.

More than the physical, I'm worn out emotionally. This is a tough battle. The ups and downs are really wearing on me. I'm not giving up, I've come too far... I'm just worn out. Tired of being depressed. Tired of banging my head (figuratively) against the wall trying to make progress. Tired of everything. I wish I could just pray and be healed - poof - just like that. And just when I feel like no progress will ever come, God gives hope.

I'm so glad.

The worship today was filled with songs about God setting us free (I so needed that!) and then the message was all about having God's peace (need that too!). The scripture at one point in the message was John 16:33, "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (Aha - He wants us to have peace - He has overcome our troubles already - this is good...) Then, the preacher made the point that when we walk and live in God's peace, it crushes the devil. At first I didn't get it, how my state of mind really matters in the long run to anyone but me, but then suddenly I understood. A lightbulb moment. When I finally get free of this, I saw how free I really will be. Because when I have my head on straight and begin to see things God's way, and really trust God like I should, then the whispers and lies I'm battling really will have NO MORE POWER. Wow. Can you imagine? It was just a little glimpse into how possible this really is with God. A ray of hope - hey, this CAN work. I CAN get through it. I WILL walk victorious one day. And if THAT'S possible, then maybe the God kicks butt and I can be used to make a difference part can happen too!

Praise God for building my faith. I needed that.

Now all I've got to do is hold on and keep walking it. Keep replacing the lies with His truth and hold on tight. I'm still worn out, but I see the light.

I'm so glad....

Trying to see things clearly...

Yesterday was a breakthrough day for me - a victory to be celebrated. Today was also very good. I was actually stable. Encountered quite a few outside challenges and took them in stride without being overwhelmed. Been a long time since that happened. I was pretty impressed. Thankful to God for the progress.

But there's still work to be done. After I got the kids tucked into bed, it came time for me to slow down again. To sit with God and go over my counseling homework. To keep moving forward. This is the hard part. Distraction is too easy.

I was looking at old pictures. Thinking about our value. Thinking about my past. Trying to figure things out. Processing again.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around something that was said to me - that our value is determined by our Maker and not anyone else - that manmade value is subject to change and the only constant is the value the Maker assigns. It sounds so simple but grasping it is so difficult.

I find myself asking question after question... I can't seem to come to grips with that concept... There's so much going through my head... How did God see me then? Did His view of me change because of what happened? Was His original plan altered because of the events of my life? Because of my reactions to them? Because of the way I've run since then? If sin gets in the way of God's perfect will, am I living second best because of the choices that were made - both my own choices and those made against me? Am I receiving less because of what was done - and does that make me less valuable? Is there a way to get it back?

I have this picture of my family a year or so before the worst. I tried to post it here but simply seeing his face made it so I couldn't sleep tonight. I had to take it off. Anyway, when it was taken the tension was already building. You can't see in our faces the battle over it being the perfect family photo - the "you'd better smile or else." I wish we were the family that we appeared to be there. I wish that appearances could be trusted. I wish I could see things as they really are and not through my own messed up views of everything...

I have no clue what point I want to make today. I don't know that I have one. I guess I'm just grieving for what never was. And I'm confused over how things can really BE good and not just appear that way outside while everything boils behind the scenes.

Today's challenge from my counselor is to find the truth behind the lies I've believed and begin to speak it so I'll begin to believe it.

I guess the truth to focus on is that in God's world, pictures are actually true - not false images like that picture. When He says He loves us, He actually means it and follows through without exception. He doesn't say one thing and then do something else. He can be trusted.

God, let me live that. Thank you that You are who You say You are. Please help me to see myself as You do. Help me to to get past this shattered view of everything. Help me to find a way to understand whatever it is I need to wrap my mind around so badly. Help me to overcome this confusion with Your truth. Just help me, Lord! I want to do things Your way. But I just can't do it on my own. Give me the courage to believe what You say. I believe, God. Help me in my unbelief. Have mercy on my doubt. Replace these lies with Your truths one by one. And help me to be patient in the process. I know it won't happen overnight. But it's hard to walk. Thank you for being patient with my weakness... In Jesus' name.

My voice

(This is a long one - we'll see how much this program can hold - if you have a lack of time, please don't start reading - this needs to be read in it's entirety to be understood...)

When I was very young, I used to go out to the swingset and scream. Top of my lungs, all out, loud as I could, bloody murder screams... regularly. It confused my family. Scared my mom. Made my friend laugh at me. But it felt good. I have few memories of when I was that young. I'm guessing that's mercy, considering where I came from. But I just don't know. But I remember sitting there on the swings screaming and how good it felt.

Funny, when I got older and really needed it big time, when I know I had things to scream over, I couldn't. By then, my dad was drunk A LOT and angry all the time. The unwritten rule, strictly enforced, was to never let anyone know our family wasn't perfect. EVER. The pressure was intense.

Years we lived that way - getting worse all the time but never showing it. I was miserable. And very alone. But it never mattered. We looked good.

After the rape, I was so overwhelmed I couldn't see straight. Moving and functioning but like a zombie - just going thru the motions...trying to appear perfect but broken and empty inside - just a shell.

Not too much later, my father came to me (this I remember vividly) and told me that all of the problems in his life were because of me. The way he saw it (he was so composed and reasonable when he said this - like it was a normal conversation to have), I needed to be gone and his life would be better. If I didn't leave, I really only left him two choices, he said. He could divorce my mother or kill himself. I was stunned. But he was my dad, so I believed him.

I tried to leave. I had nowhere to go and no money to go there. Praise God that I didn't because my reasoning at the time (I was into acting - a good way to escape - I was great at being someone else) was that I should go to New York City and live there doing whatever I needed to until I could make it on Broadway and be a big star. Fat chance. I wouldn't have lasted long on the streets of NYC - a child alone and looking for attention...

So when leaving that way didn't work, I reasoned that my only other choice was my own suicide. No one loved me at home and I was already an outcast at school (Jr High social structure stinks when you enter wounded and dysfunctional to begin with) - so there was no hope for a good life anyway - why continue? Just get out of my dad's way and all would be better for everyone.

I planned it carefully. Picked out which knife I'd use. Figured out the ideal time time to use it. How many stabs it would take to do myself in... all the details... made it to the very day I had chosen. When I got home from school, no one else would be around and it would all be over.

Inside I was screaming for help, "Somebody care! I don't want to go this way! Help!" But by then, I couldn't scream with my voice anymore. Too many years of fear. I'd been taught well enough not to bother anyone...everyone was more important than me - it was simply my job to try not to mess things up for everyone else. Scum has no rights or value and I knew it. So the only way I knew how to scream was weak little comments, quiet and out of the way, praying to be heard. The best I could do was, "Can I die now?" Bold as I could get, shaking in my shoes, I asked everyone - anyone that would listen. Everyone that I passed in the halls, even the popular kids that teased me relentlessly - even the teachers. The response? Unanimous. "Whatever" "Go ahead" "I don't care" "Sure"
I was walking in a fog. Amazed but not surprised. Miserable.

Someone must have heard because I did end up being called to the guidance office and asked about it. Scared and relieved, I lied and told them I wasn't suicidal. (After all, what kind of trouble would I be in for bothering the world like THAT?!) To this day, neither the guidance counselor nor the person who told have any idea that they saved my life. I personally believe that it was God Himself who stepped in on my behalf.

I realized today that I've been angry about that day ever since. Not that God spared my life. I'm grateful for that...

Angry at the world around me at the time for not caring. For not hearing. For not understanding. I was screaming with all the being I had left for a reason to live and all I got was, "Sure. Go ahead. Kill yourself. We don't care!" I felt so worthless. So empty. So alone. HOW COULD THEY NOT CARE???!!! THIS WAS LIFE AND DEATH!!!!!

But I realize now that they were simply wrapped up in their own worlds. How could they know what was happening in mine? From their perspective, I was simply having a bad day. Because of the image of perfection that I was required to display, nobody knew about what life was like in my house... in my room... in my heart... How could they?

I've also been mad at me. For turning my world upside down for my father when he chose to be so evil. For wrapping my world around trying to get him to love me. For loving him anyway so deeply, so strongly, so obsessively. For being willing to literally kill myself at his whim. Wipe myself off the planet because my life was inconvenient to him.

But here's the deal. He was my FATHER. I needed him. I was only acting out of that need. It isn't wrong to need love from your parents! Even in the midst of the torture that was my life, I still only sought that which most people consider to be a basic human need - to be valued and loved by my dad. To be pleasing. That's it. That is NOT unreasonable.

So how does the story end? I lived. I didn't go home and try to kill myself. Just marked it up as but another failure on my part, cried my eyes out and zombied some more... Praise God for His mercy - one of my father's girlfriends saw how miserable I was and introduced me to Jesus. When I gave my life to Him, He gave me the hope I needed to hold on for 2 more years under my father until God helped us to escape for good and move across country to start a new life far away from my dad. My father ended up keeping his promise and divorcing my mother and then killing himself.
But that's another story...

That was 20 years ago last month. And I am JUST NOW REALIZING it's okay to get my voice back. To stop trying to be perfect. To let myself breathe. To wake up from the fog and come out of hiding and live again.

This blog is my first vocalization of that new beginning. Okay, so it's not actually out loud but it's a start. I have to start somewhere...

Holy God, my Heavenly new Father, thank You for Your love. Breathe Your life into me with it. Bring me back. Heal my heart. Help me to live again! Thank You so very much for being so patient and gentle - You have waited decades for this moment. I'm ready. Let's go. In Jesus name, let it be so.

I hate roller coasters

I love the real kind of roller coasters. The rush of the wind in my face and the exhileration in my stomach - the ups and downs and the fun of it all. They are worth the wait for the front row. So much fun.

I hate the kind that I've been living lately. I'm beginning to also dread the ups because I know that they are just a prelude to the really low downs... they are drastically different from the kind at the amusement park because there are no "safety" devices built in to keep you from falling off the track and getting seriously messed up. No promise that in a couple of minutes it will be over and you can get off. No choice to ride or not to ride. Just the complete lack of any control and the sickeningness (is that a word?) of being thrown up and down and back and forth and tossed to and fro like a rag doll.

What's my deal today? Been feeling really guilty about the pinches and the pokes - decided I was going to not do that anymore. Just made a stubborn decision to find healthier ways of coping. I told two friends about it and they both called it "cutting" and the consensus was that this was a bad idea and would be better not to continue.

A simple enough decision. Searched out a bunch of scriptures and armed myself with some "things to do instead". Wahoo - my life is going to be better now because I won't have to go there, right?

Ha - that's a funny joke. Truth is - I really have no clue how to cope with my pain. Scriptures are good. I'm trying desperately to hold to God's promises. But it's just not as simple as adding a memory verse or spending more time in the Word. It's not enough.

I discovered in trying to stop that I do this more than I thought I did and that when I don't, my heart doesn't know how to handle it. I can't sit still. I'm overwhelmed. "Staying inside my skin" is an impossible task.

It doesn't help that I'm trying to do this while I have PMS and that I have the dreaded annual exam tomorrow - I can't believe I have to pay to go through that and do it voluntarily.

So, for the time being, I'm quitting quitting. I'll just try to keep it small but I just don't know what else to do.

My theory is that when I've worked through this enormous pain and learned to cope, that it'll be much easier to beat. Right now, I just don't know what else to do.

Sorry, world, I've failed today. Leave me alone and talk to me in 7 to 10 days. Bring chocolate.

Holding on...

So I got brave enough to tell one person I trust that I have this blog and she didn't think I'm nuts - wahoo!

Been an up and down battle today.

God gave me the faith I'd need to make it through and I'm so glad.

This is so hard.

I've got enough fight to make it but it's so not as simple as just saying it or deciding it won't hurt anymore. God gave the faith because He knew I'd need it this afternoon. It's such a roller coaster.

I had to set aside everything for just a while and "escape" with my kids. We watched movies that inspired not giving up (Facing the Giants & Rudy) and I just sat there and held on to them. They so don't get it. I pray they never do.

But I made it through the day. And I actually laughed a little during the up times - it's been too long - felt so good.

One day down - how many more to go? Come quickly, Lord!

God's gift of faith

Been praying and seeking God. I’ve felt so alone and so desperate. He met me here today and I needed to get this down so I don’t forget.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

With God, all things are possible.

I will not be afraid, for the Lord my God is with me.

When I walk through the waters, they will not overtake me. When I pass through the fires, I will not be burned. God loves me and promises to bring me through.

By my God, I can run against a troop. With His help, I can leap over a wall.


I have determined today that I’m holding on no matter what.

Period.

I will not give in.


I wasn’t giving up before, but I had no fight left in me – had nothing left. Today, He has reinforced that there is nothing He cannot do if I’ll just not give up and keep trusting in Him.


God, I give you my all. I trust my life in Your hands. Thank You for showing Yourself strong. I so look forward to seeing what You will do. I know I’m not going through this for nothing. You are not a respecter of persons – You neither show favorites nor make exceptions – You can work what was meant for evil in my life to show Your glory. I accept Your lovingkindness and I thank you for Your strength. Help me to hold on.

In Jesus Holy Name,
Amen

What's okay and what's not?

Did it ever hurt so bad inside you felt like you needed to do something outside to make it stop? At least long enough to catch your breath?

Nothing dramatic. I'm not considering suicide. Not even. I have too much to live for.

But sometimes the pain inside is so huge I don't know how else to deal with it but to distract with a brief moment of physical pain...

The biggest thing I've done is to smash my thumb and give it a good bruise. That was really going too far in my opinion - I won't be cutting or slashing or anything - and I have no intention of it leading that far, but honestly it really helped. I was good for several days after that and then just a good jab in the bruise kept me fine for another whole week after that.

I'm embarrassed and feel extremely guilty that I need this sometimes but I just don't know what else to do and I seriously wonder how many people there are out there that feel like I do but would never admit it.... Of course, I'm not even brave enough to tell anyone I have this blog, so I may never know. But I still wonder....

Staying Inside My Skin

I feel like a tornado lives inside me
Sometimes it’s on top of me and I can barely breathe
It feels like I’m going to explode
The difference between the calm outside and the storm inside is too great
I want to scream
I panic
Everyone says I should be okay – just trust in God and pray
He’s the One who can calm the storm
And I’m not in any danger really anyway
Just keep going and trust God and things will be fine
But inside, it just keeps spinning
Nothing stops the pain
I’m so alone

The noise can be deafening
It’s so hard to concentrate
I have a hard time staying inside my skin
I want to run, to scream, to break something
Anything…Anything to make it stop
It hurts so bad
And it scares me

Sometimes the tornado is just spinning in a corner somewhere
And I can manage it
I like to pretend it’s not there
To escape for a while and pretend I’m normal
Like everyone else

I run away from it
I run so hard
I keep busy so I won’t notice it’s there
If I run hard enough, sometimes it can feel like it’s really gone
I can even convince myself life is going to be okay
And I’ve beaten the tornado
And it’s gone
And life is good
Because outside – it really is
I have a good life

But then it comes back
And it screams I’ll never be okay
It shreds the little shelter of hopes and dreams I built when it was still
It trashes my heart
Ravages my soul
Until there’s nothing left
And I wonder how I can ever be whole

It started spinning when I was small
It matched the chaos around me then
I am safe now
I don’t live there anymore
My accuser is dead and gone
But I don’t know how to get away from it
This pain inside that spins and screams
And continues on year after year
So intense
Waxing and waning but never going away
I can’t escape it
O how I’ve tried

I wonder if the storm is my fault
It should be gone by now

I’ve told it to go
I’ve prayed for it to leave
I’ve hollered and yelled at it to stop
I’ve succumbed to it’s power to try to appease it
I’ve resisted it to try to make it flee
It doesn’t matter what I do
It’s always bigger than me

Some say I should focus on good things
God is bigger than any storm

This is true

But it continues to spin nonetheless

No matter what I do

And I wonder how God could want this for anyone
I feel so alone

O God, please set me free
This storm is truly destroying me - make it stop!

I know that You can
I need Your help to hold on until you do
But please, please, please…
Please, God! Rescue me soon!

Getting Started

I'm not a blogger by nature. I don't like to share my feelings.

But right now I feel so alone. And I need to vent.

I don't know if anyone will even ever read this - but it's a way to let out some of these feelings that overwhelm me.

A place to post it without putting it on my normal myspace or facebook pages where I have friends that just wouldn't understand the storm inside me.

If you are coming across this accidentally, I don't care if you read it. If it helps, great. If it depresses you, I'm sorry. It depresses me too. But please know that I AM seeking help. Some of the things I want to say are very intense. I have a counselor who is helping me work through it all in a healthy way. But once a week is not enough as I'm overflowing with sorrow right now. So I'm using this blog to sort it through.

Don't call the men in the white coats on me. I'm getting help.

And regardless of how much I despair or how much pain I share, I cling to God and believe He'll bring me through. Because of that, I can hold on even when it feels like I'll never get through.

Praise God for Jesus. I know I'd be gone by now if it weren't for Him.