Feeling Alone

My heart is so heavy. I'm so tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to play anymore. Go away, world, leave me alone!


Twice this week I've been invited to go out for lunch with friends. Yes, I did go even though I soooooooooo don't feel social. It was good to get out of the house and away from everything for a while but I found I come home feeling more empty than when I left. Pretending to be okay takes so much energy. And it just leaves me feeling guilty for not being myself in the first place. But that person is so broken right now. I'm shattered inside. And that's not what people want to deal with at a social gathering.


Does that make me a liar and a coward? I hope not. I'm not trying to lie by faking it - I'm just trying to be loved and keep my end of being a pastor's wife and go out when they ask. Years ago, I stayed home and was called a snob for it. (They so got that one wrong!) It's been pointed out to me how lucky I am to have people that care. I'm thankful they do. I realize I'm lucky. But it's just not as simple as it seems... The coward label comes in here. It's just that my issues are huge and very personal - the pain is way intense - and I'm afraid that if people knew who I REALLY am inside, if they found out what was done to me and how difficult it is for me to cope - if they saw me as I see me, they'd have nothing at all to do with me and I'd be completely alone. And I'm already so alone even in their midst... I don't know if I could take that.


The few people who have a clue about my battle keep telling me I'm so strong and making such great progress. But it hurts MORE not less. I don't get it. Maybe they just don't see what I'm battling. Or how much I'm torn up in the battle. Maybe I'm too good at hiding, even from them. Maybe, like everything else, progress must be paid for with pain and tears. I just wish it didn't cost so much simply to breathe... This makes the most sense, but I wish I understood why I have to pay so dearly just to exist. Does the rest of the world hurt like this? If they do, they're much better actors than I am, that's for sure. I just wish I could find the truth.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. I will have to go out again for a meeting tonight, so I'm going to sign off and try to get a little rest to prepare for it.

Per recommendation from my friend, D - here is a list of 5 things to be thankful for today:
1- I'm thankful that I don't have to work everyday while I go through this.
2- I'm thankful that I do have a few friends that know and they still love me anyway. Even though I feel so alone, I'm really not.
3- I'm thankful God sent me a way to get the counseling I need to recover and still feed my family. It's proof there must be hope for recovery.
4- I'm thankful that God finds a way to send people to me when I'm having trouble holding on. I was without hope yesterday and God timed TWO phone calls perfectly in order to get me through the wave until I could breathe again. More proof that God is bringing me through.
5- I'm thankful that even though I can't see the light at the end of my tunnel, that others can and they remind me of it regularly.