Lonely

One of my issues right now is allowing myself to be happy. To have a good time without feeling guilty. It's stupid, I know, but I just can't let myself do it. I feel very selfish if I do anything for me... feel like I don't deserve it. Feel bad feeling good.

So I was at a church dinner last night. I've been sick so I understand no one wants it but I wasn't prepared to sit all alone. I was the first one to pick a table and sit down. And NO ONE sat with me - not even at my table on the other side. (Darin was home, still sick) Talk about rejection! Finally, someone invited me to join them at their table, but it never ceases to amaze me how I don't fit in. How I can be so alone in a room filled with people...

It ended up being a good evening, but I'm still feeling alone. Like walking through life in a shell - doing everything and participating - but just doing it as an empty, hollow shell - going through the motions. No one gets this pain. I'm so alone.

Will I ever fit in? Will life ever come naturally for me? Or is this just the way it is - you learn the choreography and do the dance but deep down inside you're limping. Do we just loose the pain of the limp or do we ever learn to dance inside and out? Dare I hope for that? I'm so afraid to...

There's a saying - it's better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all. I hate it. I don't know if they know what loss really is... maybe it doesn't apply to such extremes... I don't know. I just have trouble seeing that there will ever come a day when it's all hunky dory and that "happy" will ever come naturally for me.

Today, I'd be happy just not to be so alone.