Had a fantastic weekend but only had it that way because I chose to escape my problems and pretend they weren't there and just take time off from all the things that remind me of all the work I'm doing to recover. Guilty pleasure. I admit, the break was sooooooooo needed, but it just made getting back to everything this morning all that much harder...
The counselor wants me to repeat specific "affirming statements" several times a day to combat the lies my father instilled in me for so many years. I've done well with them until now. Hard but overcomeable. This last week, I couldn't do it. The task was to say "I am clean" five times a day. Couldn't get it out once except to confess at the end of the week that I couldn't do it.
I feel so filthy. And the flashbacks have been so real today that they are hugely nauseating. Specific to one of the the worst parts of the whole event. I don't know what's acceptable for a blog or not, but let's just say that choking on nastiness in my mouth and overwhelming textures and odors were involved. And I can hardly breathe when I think of it. And no matter what anyone says - THAT WAS NOT CLEAN!!!!! And I can't clean myself of that memory. Or of the sickeningness afterward. And it's overwhelming.
My counseling homework this week now is about letting go of shame. Very appropriate. But such difficult timing - all I want to do is run from it.
My friend that I confide in asked me today about what I was struggling over. When I told her, she said that no one looks on me with that filter. That there's not a person in the world that would put any bad on me at all about what happened. She said I'm beautiful and clean and a loveable person that people would only want to protect not condemn me.
So then, why can't I rid me of it? Why can't I wash enough, pray enough, clean enough, organize enough, run enough, or anything else enough to get past this? Why do I feel like such a stupid, retarded idiot that people are only friends with out of pity or obligation? Why can't I feel clean? whole?
I'm confused. And I don't know how to get it into my heart. Or even how to let myself believe it. I so see the polar opposite of that in me. I CAN see that it was not my fault - totally his choice to do what he did - but that doesn't make me whole or clean - I'm still defiled. And I still don't know how to make it right. I hate it. It's sick. Just plain sick.
So those are my thoughts today. I have no answers. I'm just still thinking... pondering... trying to get a grip and catch my breath. Trying very hard to focus and work on the task at hand and not run away.... just trying...
I have no "in conclusion" to wrap it up. Sorry. Wish I did...
Okay - thankful stuff - this is a tough assignment today:
1- I'm thankful my kids don't have to go through this.
2- I'm thankful ... (God, this is hard!) ... thankful I'm not alone. Regardless of the reason, I do have people that I can confide in and trust.
3- I'm thankful I don't ever have to see my father again. (is that bad?)
4- I'm thankful for the holidays coming. Happy traditions will help.
5- I'm thankful (yes, it's shallow, but I'm grasping here) for chocolate. It never loses it's happy moment regardless of circumstances.
Alright, enough for today... off to other things...
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