Not sure even what to say here. Been a long time since I posted - life has been nuts. Christmas was very stressful. I have much to think about...

It occurred to me that most of my stress is related to trying to please my step-father the way I tried to please my biological dad. And it also is coming back void. And I'm really feeling the loss. And I'm trying to figure out a way to convince myself I don't need a father. I'm 36 - there is no real purpose he would serve except as moral support. I guess I just need to learn to live without that from a human father figure. It's a hard reality to accept. I've longed for this for so long - to just give up hope that it's ever going to happen is not an easy thing.

And as much as I love my God, there's still a void left even with His help.
I'm praying that God helps me walk this.

Guess that's all I had to say - just feeling the loss and trying to recover from Christmas - I literally spend many sleepless nights coming up with something to give my step-father for a gift that would meet his approval only to have him not say a word - he looked very disappointed. He made this huge deal about doing gifts according to the "love languages" and then reality was opposite - we gave exactly what he asked for and yet he could care less. Everyone else gave traditional gifts and he gushed over them. That hurts. Never ever being enough really hurts.

God, how do I let go of ever getting this kind of approval? Your Word is filled with comments about helping the widow and the fatherless - please be my help! My heart is broken...