Been such an emotional week. My counseling homework has been on trust and control. Halfway through, they told this story about this woman who thought she'd had this amazing faith and was such a Godly person and suddenly she had this revelation that it was only because everything was under her control and that she had actually never left room for trust... that is soooooo me. Here I am thinking I've got it all together, serving in ministry and just having my own personal issues on the side and it turns out I've messed everything up. I've always believed I had to keep juggling, that I was letting God down if I dropped a ball. Never understanding why He required me to run like this while everyone else could have lives of their own but quietly tap dancing my little heart out thinking that some of us are just the exception to the rule... I totally broke down in counseling today trying to explain how much I've failed God and how I just can't do it anymore and she had this amazing comment...
She said we're not called to be worker bees always buzzing around - this is not the heart of God. It's about relationship. It's never been about what we do, but WHO WE ARE. Of course this set me weeping like crazy - who I am has never, never been enough and never will be - this is why I do what I do - I need to make up for all of my shortcomings - try to make things right to make up for what I'm not. She so gently reminded me that I was right but that I'd forgotten that this whole thing is all about grace. I'm not supposed to earn it.
How can I miss something so basic? So fundamental to all of it? I don't know - just drilled into me since day one, I guess.
So today, I'm trying to process that none of what I've ever done is important. That it's only what God's done and that's it. That I don't have to earn anything. That He could really love ME that much when I know who the real me really is and what she's endured... It's still so much to try to take in...
Pray I get it. Please pray I get it.
I still feel like this worthless piece of trash that's messed up the whole world and isn't even worth the time of day...
1 comment:
If you, and your dad were the only people on earth, and he had done to you what he did, God would have still sent Jesus to die on the cross... Just for you.
Love ya.
D
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