Staying Inside My Skin

I feel like a tornado lives inside me
Sometimes it’s on top of me and I can barely breathe
It feels like I’m going to explode
The difference between the calm outside and the storm inside is too great
I want to scream
I panic
Everyone says I should be okay – just trust in God and pray
He’s the One who can calm the storm
And I’m not in any danger really anyway
Just keep going and trust God and things will be fine
But inside, it just keeps spinning
Nothing stops the pain
I’m so alone

The noise can be deafening
It’s so hard to concentrate
I have a hard time staying inside my skin
I want to run, to scream, to break something
Anything…Anything to make it stop
It hurts so bad
And it scares me

Sometimes the tornado is just spinning in a corner somewhere
And I can manage it
I like to pretend it’s not there
To escape for a while and pretend I’m normal
Like everyone else

I run away from it
I run so hard
I keep busy so I won’t notice it’s there
If I run hard enough, sometimes it can feel like it’s really gone
I can even convince myself life is going to be okay
And I’ve beaten the tornado
And it’s gone
And life is good
Because outside – it really is
I have a good life

But then it comes back
And it screams I’ll never be okay
It shreds the little shelter of hopes and dreams I built when it was still
It trashes my heart
Ravages my soul
Until there’s nothing left
And I wonder how I can ever be whole

It started spinning when I was small
It matched the chaos around me then
I am safe now
I don’t live there anymore
My accuser is dead and gone
But I don’t know how to get away from it
This pain inside that spins and screams
And continues on year after year
So intense
Waxing and waning but never going away
I can’t escape it
O how I’ve tried

I wonder if the storm is my fault
It should be gone by now

I’ve told it to go
I’ve prayed for it to leave
I’ve hollered and yelled at it to stop
I’ve succumbed to it’s power to try to appease it
I’ve resisted it to try to make it flee
It doesn’t matter what I do
It’s always bigger than me

Some say I should focus on good things
God is bigger than any storm

This is true

But it continues to spin nonetheless

No matter what I do

And I wonder how God could want this for anyone
I feel so alone

O God, please set me free
This storm is truly destroying me - make it stop!

I know that You can
I need Your help to hold on until you do
But please, please, please…
Please, God! Rescue me soon!