Trying to see things clearly...

Yesterday was a breakthrough day for me - a victory to be celebrated. Today was also very good. I was actually stable. Encountered quite a few outside challenges and took them in stride without being overwhelmed. Been a long time since that happened. I was pretty impressed. Thankful to God for the progress.

But there's still work to be done. After I got the kids tucked into bed, it came time for me to slow down again. To sit with God and go over my counseling homework. To keep moving forward. This is the hard part. Distraction is too easy.

I was looking at old pictures. Thinking about our value. Thinking about my past. Trying to figure things out. Processing again.

I'm trying to wrap my brain around something that was said to me - that our value is determined by our Maker and not anyone else - that manmade value is subject to change and the only constant is the value the Maker assigns. It sounds so simple but grasping it is so difficult.

I find myself asking question after question... I can't seem to come to grips with that concept... There's so much going through my head... How did God see me then? Did His view of me change because of what happened? Was His original plan altered because of the events of my life? Because of my reactions to them? Because of the way I've run since then? If sin gets in the way of God's perfect will, am I living second best because of the choices that were made - both my own choices and those made against me? Am I receiving less because of what was done - and does that make me less valuable? Is there a way to get it back?

I have this picture of my family a year or so before the worst. I tried to post it here but simply seeing his face made it so I couldn't sleep tonight. I had to take it off. Anyway, when it was taken the tension was already building. You can't see in our faces the battle over it being the perfect family photo - the "you'd better smile or else." I wish we were the family that we appeared to be there. I wish that appearances could be trusted. I wish I could see things as they really are and not through my own messed up views of everything...

I have no clue what point I want to make today. I don't know that I have one. I guess I'm just grieving for what never was. And I'm confused over how things can really BE good and not just appear that way outside while everything boils behind the scenes.

Today's challenge from my counselor is to find the truth behind the lies I've believed and begin to speak it so I'll begin to believe it.

I guess the truth to focus on is that in God's world, pictures are actually true - not false images like that picture. When He says He loves us, He actually means it and follows through without exception. He doesn't say one thing and then do something else. He can be trusted.

God, let me live that. Thank you that You are who You say You are. Please help me to see myself as You do. Help me to to get past this shattered view of everything. Help me to find a way to understand whatever it is I need to wrap my mind around so badly. Help me to overcome this confusion with Your truth. Just help me, Lord! I want to do things Your way. But I just can't do it on my own. Give me the courage to believe what You say. I believe, God. Help me in my unbelief. Have mercy on my doubt. Replace these lies with Your truths one by one. And help me to be patient in the process. I know it won't happen overnight. But it's hard to walk. Thank you for being patient with my weakness... In Jesus' name.