What's okay and what's not?

Did it ever hurt so bad inside you felt like you needed to do something outside to make it stop? At least long enough to catch your breath?

Nothing dramatic. I'm not considering suicide. Not even. I have too much to live for.

But sometimes the pain inside is so huge I don't know how else to deal with it but to distract with a brief moment of physical pain...

The biggest thing I've done is to smash my thumb and give it a good bruise. That was really going too far in my opinion - I won't be cutting or slashing or anything - and I have no intention of it leading that far, but honestly it really helped. I was good for several days after that and then just a good jab in the bruise kept me fine for another whole week after that.

I'm embarrassed and feel extremely guilty that I need this sometimes but I just don't know what else to do and I seriously wonder how many people there are out there that feel like I do but would never admit it.... Of course, I'm not even brave enough to tell anyone I have this blog, so I may never know. But I still wonder....