I hate roller coasters

I love the real kind of roller coasters. The rush of the wind in my face and the exhileration in my stomach - the ups and downs and the fun of it all. They are worth the wait for the front row. So much fun.

I hate the kind that I've been living lately. I'm beginning to also dread the ups because I know that they are just a prelude to the really low downs... they are drastically different from the kind at the amusement park because there are no "safety" devices built in to keep you from falling off the track and getting seriously messed up. No promise that in a couple of minutes it will be over and you can get off. No choice to ride or not to ride. Just the complete lack of any control and the sickeningness (is that a word?) of being thrown up and down and back and forth and tossed to and fro like a rag doll.

What's my deal today? Been feeling really guilty about the pinches and the pokes - decided I was going to not do that anymore. Just made a stubborn decision to find healthier ways of coping. I told two friends about it and they both called it "cutting" and the consensus was that this was a bad idea and would be better not to continue.

A simple enough decision. Searched out a bunch of scriptures and armed myself with some "things to do instead". Wahoo - my life is going to be better now because I won't have to go there, right?

Ha - that's a funny joke. Truth is - I really have no clue how to cope with my pain. Scriptures are good. I'm trying desperately to hold to God's promises. But it's just not as simple as adding a memory verse or spending more time in the Word. It's not enough.

I discovered in trying to stop that I do this more than I thought I did and that when I don't, my heart doesn't know how to handle it. I can't sit still. I'm overwhelmed. "Staying inside my skin" is an impossible task.

It doesn't help that I'm trying to do this while I have PMS and that I have the dreaded annual exam tomorrow - I can't believe I have to pay to go through that and do it voluntarily.

So, for the time being, I'm quitting quitting. I'll just try to keep it small but I just don't know what else to do.

My theory is that when I've worked through this enormous pain and learned to cope, that it'll be much easier to beat. Right now, I just don't know what else to do.

Sorry, world, I've failed today. Leave me alone and talk to me in 7 to 10 days. Bring chocolate.