Hiding

Why do I hide like this? I hate it. I'm so lonely. I want people to hear and to care and to love me... but I can't help but hide.

I get so mad at myself...STUPID!
But I don't know how to do anything else.

I sound like a dufus-head when I talk to people.
I can never say what I want and it always comes out badly.
It makes so much sense when I think it, but I can never speak it well.
I feel like a little kid who has no business in an adult world.
Then I just sit there like a lump on a log and say nothing while my heart is bursting inside me to be heard.
And yet I'm silent. Because I'm afraid.
Inside, that's all I am - just a scared little kid.
And I hate it.

I could kick myself for being this way.
But it doesn't help when I do.
I am who I am and that's that.
And growing up takes time.

I'm trying to change.

But right now, I hate this part of me.
I feel like I just don't belong.
So I hide.

I don't want to hide anymore.
But I'm still afraid to come out.