ready to "let it go"?

dont know what to title this. just feeling the need to write a bit.

still feeling the sad. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy sad. the more i read everything says just let it go and life will be good... but i keep TRYING to let it go and life is not. i dont get it. it seeks ME out. not the other way around. i wish there were a way to scream my story to the people who actually care. people who would hold me and let me cry. people who would understand my pain and validate my feelings. people that would feel righteously indignant at my abusers' actions and come up with brilliant ways to help others not to suffer similar scenarios. and simultaneously "let it go" (whatever that means) so that i could really be free from it and it would STOP replaying 24/7 in my head.

i woke up screaming last night. standard nightmare. but the worst part is that screaming is progress. until last night, i'd always been mute in my dreams - i finally could move and scream and i did. but it gets old really fast. i mean, how pathetic is it that i consider waking up screaming from a nightmare progress...?

i'm just so sick of all of it. and so tired of feeling all alone. i wish it would all be over. so so much. and yeah, the suicidal thoughts ARE back. i find myself thinking of it way too often. they are under control, i'll be a good girl and not try anything stupid, i just wish it didnt hurt so bad with no recourse in sight.

i hate this. :(