ahhhh - that's better! :-)

so i'm back, as promised, to talk more about this past week. it began with a get together i had been dreading - a time with a new friend of whom i am wary because of her current philosophy of life that differs from my own and her own admittance to lying at times in order to get her own way. nevertheless, i went ahead to meet with her and found myself, surprisingly, drawn to tell her about what happened to me. she agreed to listen and i found myself revealing details of the ritual abuse and of its frequency and severity. afterwards (the next afternoon), i dealt with the programming consequences - the panic attack that followed the telling - and vented with a dear dear friend who was willing to let me go on about how life wasnt worth living unitl i was able to finish venting and overcome those feelings. amazingly, instead of taking months or weeks (as in the past) to recover from such a telling, it was hours instead. i fell asleep exhausted that night. then, i went to therapy. again, drawn to tell. again, moved to share some of the worst parts of the ritual abuse. and of the brainwashing messages that were reinforced with such pain. and again - hours to recover. but before the night was out, i found myself AGAIN sharing details... this time with my best f2f friend. something is different. this time the telling was simpler. easier. not numb but not with the overwhelming emotion either. and i was able to fall into a deep restful sleep without nightmares. something is defintely different. this time, this whole week, the telling is coming with relief. i mentioned in my brief post earlier, this is like having vomitted up what is the worst of causing me harm and now that it's out, it feels amazingly better. dont get me wrong. i'm weak and shaky and exhausted - it's been an enormous load of work to have done all this, but i finally. finally... FINALLY am beginning to find the relief in telling that i've been longing for. and it's amazing. also, i feel more clear about what i want/need to do from here in order to continue the work. all i can say is wow. wow wow wow. praise God for progress. real, measurable, feel-able progress. it wasnt my fault. i'm so glad.