ok so you'll notice in my last post i used some language i dont normally use. but there's a reason. "holy shit." that's what my dear friend said when she saw my collage from INE and Rosie. i know it's not couth to say that but you know what... it really fit the situation. what i went thru that's depicted there - it was. and that's how i feel.
it so was. how does one use polite language to speak of such horrors? i am shaking my head - it fit. and it's how i feel. and i'm sorry if it offends some of you. but this post is not here because i need to make an apology. it's here because it's 3:30 am and my brain won't shut down. i am choosing not to cut tonight so i am occupying myself with other ways to get out the emotions of the moment...
or many moments. i've been up since 1:45. this is one of the joys of ptsd. or maybe it's the ocd. idk. i want to txt or call a friend. i want to scream and cry. i want to dig at this pain and pull it out by the root. and yet here i am. perseverating. stuck.
it's driving me nuts... but the pain that i feel is not in my flesh. i guess that's the point i'm trying to make. it's in my heart, not my leg. so if it's going to come out of me, no amount of my own blood will cover it. and now i am going round in circles thinnking this blog post makes sense to no one but me. people will think i'm crazy. but i have to get these words out there. these feelings out of my heart.
ugh. what do you get when you cross a chicken and a pitbull? just the pitbull. for tonight, i feel like that chicken. :(
1 comment:
Well, you know my language goes way beyond holy shit, so I'm not offended. :) I totally agree with you about the need for bad language...there truly aren't words terrible enough to describe this stuff. Ironically I've found that since being sober I've cussed A LOT more. I think it's because I'm actually having to face things...and damn it's hard!
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