i hate this stupid day

dear dad i hate u. u don't even deserve to be called a dad. you ruined my life. you ruined so much. i hate u. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

changes

amazing how fast things change. I told on Monday last week - it's been one week. in that time I have been sick, switchy, overwhelmed, lost time, not functioning, numb, functional and now happy. if this were an ad for bipolar i'd believe it was true. too many parts making too many changes. I like what a friend told me today tho - that things are like the waves on the beach with incoming tide. forward and backward but progress nonetheless. she says I have been making huge leaps forward lately and I should expect backward motion a little as I process. I like that. I sure hope she's right.

update - triggers - use caution

it's been a long time since I posted. i'm guessing that's a good thing as I usually post when things are difficult and therefore things must be getting better since I've not had the urge to post since March and it's May now. but oh i'm having a hard time today. INE is remembering the hardest memory of all - the last rape. we talked about it at therapy this last week. so much going on in my head. so much. INE feels responsible. but she was drugged and that was likely why she did what she did. she also feels like a failure for not dying when she was meant to die during that particular assault. he flat out told her that pretty much. add to that that she was "out" while I was trying to talk to a friend and I "came to" in time to see the friend had left thinking we were mad at them - because they were also having a hard time and INE is only a child and very self centered and didn't drop her own stuff for that friend the way I would have. now I have no way of explaining that to my friend because this whole DID thing is so crazy it just sounds like an insane excuse. ugh gracie

career plan

ok so i had a nightmare a while back about my sweet husband going home to be with Jesus and leaving me devastated, alone and without a plan. that has weighed heavily on my heart ever since. months now. not that i want or forsee any change in his condition - i am blessed with a healthy, wonderful husband who loves me and isnt going anywhere anytime soon to our knowledge, but... as life is often unpredictable, i choose to take this as a warning. it got me thinking, in addition to the recent changes in my own sanity's state, that i believe i am ready for a career. ready to finish school. ready to go on and do something with my life that is my OWN contribution to the world. i already help my dear husband to the best of my ability but the ministry is HIS baby. i love and believe in him and all that we do together, but if he were to pass along, i know that i know that i know i could not continue it in his absence. which leads me to the question... what to do with my life? well, having survived what i have, i believe it's time to go back to school. time to get a degree and time to get to work using my survival and compassion skills to help others. using my past to make a better future for other kids. so it's decided, i will look into shadowing someone in several different specialties of social work and etc. and decide with their help what is the best way to go and go back to school in the fall. i'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh well

so i realized today that it's been three wonderful weeks of good. just about anyway. but the good was facade i think - the aha moments still apply. and that's wonderful. but somehow, some way while i was rejoicing over that, denial snuck back in and that's why the good has been facade like - artificial - wrong. see - i'm still tied to my past. it never went away, it just went into hiding. sorry. back to bummerville.

aha moments :)

therapy went sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more smoothly today and i've had a series of aha moments. here's what made it from my head to my heart today: 1 - I am NOT crazy !!!!!!!!! this is amazing as i've struggled with this since i was 15 2 - if #1 is true, then i can do anything with God including going back to school, getting a degree and helping others 3 - again, because #1 is true, it's ok for people to be my friends. i am not evil or bad or broken or burned or damaged or any of that. i am acceptable in God's sight the same as the rest of the christians. Jesus died for me too. 4 - if all three of these are true, then i need not fear any sudden lightning strikes or cancer scares or anything else - God is not planning retribution on me. wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow

back to therapy

so so much to think about. went back to therapy. her answers to my pleas and questions amazed me. she said i've done the work. that i've been thru the worst. that there is nothing more to fear because i've faced everything. i'm still considering her words and her thoughts. she said that, in answer to the plea for how am i ever going to live with this - that i already AM living with it. that i already AM getting better and that the improvements WILL continue. that there is no need to fear further issues because the worst is behind us. wow. wouldn't that be incredible? what a concept. then. as if that was not enough, when i talked about sharing and how it scared me, she said lets play devil's advocate. what scares me most? not being believed? already faced that. being rejected? faced that too. issues with my husband, my brother, my mother? all of those have come up as well. and i've dealt with each one, bit by bit. what an amazing thing to consider...

update

posted a bit of my story today on an online support group. wanting so badly to be heard. but also afraid of telling. what's it gonna take to break out of this hole and get to "healed" world...? idk. does such a place exist? can i ever live with this story and not have it wretch my guts into shreds? those are hard questions. it's definitely time to go back to counseling. (sigh)

Merry Christmas

so it's Christmas once again. a time to be thankful and to be glad for all the gifts we've been given. this year, a huge gift to me is that my mother and stepfather have moved away and we get to do Christmas on our own. i thought i never would have had the guts to do that on my own - separate from them during the holidays - but i managed to do it regarding thanksgiving and it was SUCH a gift. then they decided to move away and it's been very good for all of us. my parents are doing what they've always wanted to do - living in the mountains and doing crafts and such. and my family, although the beginnings are very humble, is enjoying a self-made christmas. this is incredible. :) Merry Christmas everyone!

proud of myself

so i finished part one of my book which at the moment is more like a booklet but anyway - finished writing the first draft of the story portion of my book and will be putting the rough draft version into the capable hands of a couple of grammar nuts i know for editing because reading it is highly triggering for me. (plus, with the runon sentence i just typed, golly, it's obvious i need editing help...) also, am reading it to my counselor for her help dealing with making the story public as telling sets off all sorts of programming problems for me. right now am sitting up late next to my friend who i stay with when i go to counseling. she is snoring (she works weekends and is often exhausted) and i am ruminating on what all i want to do/say before i can shut the brain down for sleep myself. regardless of whatever i just wanted to note here that i am proud of myself. not only for working on the book, which is super hard but is like a declaration of independance for me from my abusers, but also for enduring the fight with hubby and the yelling that followed and coming to grips with it in just a weekend's amount of time. i am congratulating myself on only one day spent in bed rather than kicking myself for ending up in the bed again. progress! ok well, the snoring is sounding inviting. gotta go get ready for bed. gnite all.

fight

got in a fight with my husband this morning. ended with yelling and such. scared me badly. i know it's just a bad day. things are crazy right now and we are both at our limits. i just wish i had someone to talk to about it. wish there was a way to improve things. but i'm still scared. i hate this. :(

is it real? ...answers!

so i've got some answers tonight i can make peace with. was the abuse and the horror and the chaos and all of it real? i dont know. but here's what i DO know: God loves me. If it was real, His love is evident in my survival of all of the chaos physically and otherwise. If it was not, and I am crazy, His love is evident in His mercy for my survival of all of this chaos mentally and otherwise. I am alive, therefore, God is good. regardless of if it's real or not. my job is simply to live and be as real as i can. i believe it all to have been true because God has not struck me dead for lying and I know His heart and mine are alligned in wanting the truth to be known. this stuff is not something i would want to make up in a billion years. no one in their right mind would want to experience it. and as my friends have assured me, it wouldnt have affected me this way if it were not real. plus all of the assurances that eveyrthing was my fault, was my father's way of acknowledging the reality and trying to escape it. that's my proof. the memories i am sure of back up the memories i am not sure of. i know this post will make no sense to anyone but me. and maybe not me by morning. all i know is that for tonight, i have peace that i am ok with God. and i needed that.

note to self

note to self - stay away from attics! the smell is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo triggering. ugh

confused

hey so confused. have spent the last week in flashback mode. i know it's because i'm writing my book. and that i'm going to have to ask for help if i'm going to finish it, but i'm determined to be able to do this and do it well. so i'm writing my story in detail. i have 22 pages so far. but the editing to make it reasonable to read is so difficult. ugh. on page 14 so far - but have been working on it for months. ouch. part of me says no no no no no this is not possible to have happened. and part of me says how can it not be true with all of the flashbacks and pain and stuff. i'm so so so confused. going back to bed. my only respite is hiding under the pillows and fading in and out of consciousness. ugh.

piece of what happened to me (TW!)

TRIGGER WARNING!!! when i was like 8 my father tried to drown me. it was a game. i dont know he actually meant to try to kill me, i think it was more a game of fear and control. we were all splashing in the lake and i splashed him back good. he was mad. he threw a wet towel over my head and it pushed me under, then he held me down under it till i couldnt breathe any more - ignoring my struggling - leaving me there under the water. when he finally let me up, he was laughing... laughing! i thought i was going to die and he thought it was funny. there is a picture of me storming away from him that day in my mother's memory albums. i wish i could burn it. everyone thought it was a big joke. humiliated, wet, terrified and laughed at, i stormed off to my room to cry it out alone.

venting our anger

Ke'ev is a good venter. she learned how to rant and rave and use angry language in order to vent the anger to the point that it is vented well (privately of course) and we feel good. Rosie especially. (ahhhhhh) (sigh of relief)

what's happening

ok so i didnt confront my mother. it was hard and i wasnt able to do what i wanted to do. but the groundwork was laid. also - i finally told my dr that i wanted a new one. she said no. but i did it. i feel very empowered and brave today :)

severing the apron strings

so i am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ready to sever (yes, sever, not just cut) the apron strings. not just with my cell phone but to let this move my parents are making be that which creates the freedom for us to have our own life apart from their interference. not that they would not have grandchildren time, but that it would be far less obtrusive and more controlled by us than by them - with clear boundaries. yes, although it scares the poo out of me, i believe it's time. wow.

ugh

a cry of desperation. i am reading a book - the sociopath next door - to try to get some insight into the thought life of my father - some semblance of why answered - or at the very least - how could he. but no. other than a benal "lack of conscience" - there seems to be no answers. will i never understand? ugh.

(sigh of relief)

am at my retreat. am feeling better not worse. much much much better. i was freaking out earlier today because of a conversation but the person who i spoke to was so kind and gentle and sweet and the prayer she prayed so sincere and effective that i really do feel better. it is hard to believe. i told about my past to a perfect stranger. and although i ended up weeping and shaking uncontrollably - and although it put me into a panic attack right after the fact that i couldnt get out of without medication - i am actually doing very very well tonight. i did it. i told. and i didnt die. and i didnt si or even feel urges to do so. i have been kind to me since then and this has been such an incredible change. praise God. i feel no shame - none. wow. maybe i really AM healing!