is it real? ...answers!

so i've got some answers tonight i can make peace with. was the abuse and the horror and the chaos and all of it real? i dont know. but here's what i DO know: God loves me. If it was real, His love is evident in my survival of all of the chaos physically and otherwise. If it was not, and I am crazy, His love is evident in His mercy for my survival of all of this chaos mentally and otherwise. I am alive, therefore, God is good. regardless of if it's real or not. my job is simply to live and be as real as i can. i believe it all to have been true because God has not struck me dead for lying and I know His heart and mine are alligned in wanting the truth to be known. this stuff is not something i would want to make up in a billion years. no one in their right mind would want to experience it. and as my friends have assured me, it wouldnt have affected me this way if it were not real. plus all of the assurances that eveyrthing was my fault, was my father's way of acknowledging the reality and trying to escape it. that's my proof. the memories i am sure of back up the memories i am not sure of. i know this post will make no sense to anyone but me. and maybe not me by morning. all i know is that for tonight, i have peace that i am ok with God. and i needed that.