just have to do something to get these stupid memories out of my head... note to my survivor friends - dont read if you arent in a safe place... i'm trying to be vague but the triggers are huge for me, so i cant compare to see if its safe for anyone else...
i never knew a safe time. ever. the rages began the moment he first laid eyes on me. and the only reason i can think of that the abuse didnt start before it did was because he was in the navy and not around. sad but true. so no, i never knew a safe way to feel emotions. been messed up my whole life.
at any hint of resistance, much less real emotional outbursts like tears or anger, he would smash my head to the floor and... gosh this is hard to say... and cause blinding pain in bad ways while forcing me to apologize over and over and over and over again until he felt i was sorry enough for the punishment to stop. even a single tear running down my face would cause this. i was required to remain emotionless except for terror and submission.
over and over and over...
never safe. that's why i dont feel safe now. i know it. but i dont know how to make it stop in my head. ugh.
the screaming and emotion in my head are sooooooooooo loud... and i feel very unsafe. not been out of bed except to bring kids to and from school for days...
will i EVER get better?
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