omgoodness is this a difficult topic. i have so much anger inside that it surprises and scares me. what happened was so so so so so so so so so so wrong. and bad. and mean. and intentional. deliberate. planned out. sick. as much as it's been so hard to believe that it really was, there's really no arguing that now. not with the explanations and memories and everything. it just was. which means... it was NOT me that caused it. that changing of perspective is very disturbing to me. it's so hard to be angry with him (my dad)... to try to understand with my head how a father could be capable of that level of sickness at all, nevermind with his own firstborn - his daughter... it's very hard to accept. but if i do, wow, have i been wronged. how to cope... idk.
i am realizing this is a lot of where the si is coming from. this ambivalence about blame and the conflict inside that follows. and having the anger erupt... well, let's just say it's very good i didnt act on my urges today or i'd have been in the hospital...
i hate anger. so so so very much. i wish i had a clue how to deal with this besides just "containing" it until t...
am weeping now... gotta go.
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